


Pacific Daydream

by regionals



Series: Joshler QAF!AU [1]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cancer Arc, Drug Addiction, HIV Positive Character, HIV/AIDS, Hate Crimes, Homophobia, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking, early 2000s
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2019-05-16 18:46:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 95,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14816840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: "How would you feel," Josh starts as he bends down, letting his slightly chapped lips graze against the shell of the boy's ear. His voice drops in volume as he finishes his question, sounding equal parts seductive and tempting; "if I made your night a little more special?"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE SCHEDULES //  
> Chapters 1-9: Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays from June 6th to June 19th.  
> Chapters 10-21: Mondays, Wdnesdays, & Fridays from July 2nd to July 27th.

****Josh sighs, and tries his best to tune Brendon out as soon as the man starts griping at him in the same way, and tone, even, that his mother used to when he was a teenager. He's being a dick right now--he knows it. He promised Brendon, and Pete by association, a ride home, yet here he is, with his keys in his right hand, getting ready to unlock his car, and to make the short drive back to his apartment building.

He's about to look up and over to Brendon to tell him to shut the fuck up, but he only gets about halfway through the motions of doing that before having to stop, and mentally say, _"Wow, holy shit,"_ as he catches sight of the man he decides is going to be his next trick, standing on the other side of the street, looking a little lost and a little confused.

Josh, unaware of what he's about to be getting himself into, shoves his keys into the front pocket of his jeans, and strides across the street, confidently and smoothly, while also ignoring Brendon (and Pete) who are both asking him what the fuck he's going.

Josh stands a good foot taller than this man, and that fact is made obvious by the time he's standing right in front of him, looking down into eyes that are the prettiest hazel. Josh finds himself speaking before his head has a chance to catch up with him. "You doing anything special tonight?" He can hear Brendon telling him to worry about something other than getting his dick sucked from across the street, and on some level he wants to listen to him, but on many other levels, he, unfortunately, likes to take care of his dick.

The man, or boy, Josh is noticing, shifts back and forth on his feet a little bit before he's looking Josh dead in the eyes, and responding to his question. "Not really, no. I was just, uh, checking out some of the bars. Poppers, Neptune's... y'know." He shrugs a little bit, and Josh almost laughs at how bad his bluff is.

"Neptune's? You don't really strike me as the leather daddy type." The corner of Josh's mouth lifts up into a smirk, and he even smirks a little bit more once he catches the awestruck look on his face.

Josh has to physically stop himself from calling the kid out on his bluff when he's saying, "Yeah, I totally am," in an unsure tone.

He does huff a bit though before propositioning him. "How would you feel," Josh starts as he bends down, letting his slightly chapped lips graze against the shell of the boy's ear. His voice drops in volume as he finishes his question, sounding equal parts seductive and tempting; "if I made your night a little more special?"

The, "I'm up for it," that passes through his lips is all Josh needs before he's making a smug face, and leading the way back to his car, one arm wrapped around the kid's shoulders, still ignoring Brendon, who's just saying, _"Are you fucking kidding me?"_ as Josh is unlocking and opening the passenger's door for the kid.

***

Tyler follows the older man to the elevator in his apartment complex, stands through a slightly awkward elevator ride, and then follows the man down the hall and into his actual apartment. He's dying of anticipation the entire time--he has no idea what's going to happen, but he's _excited,_ given he's a horny sevente--wait, _no,_ he totally means _twenty one_ year old. He is not being a delinquent right now. Nope. Never.

Tyler lingers in the doorway once the man is fully inside of his apartment, because, hey, even though he's excited, he's still apprehensive and a touch wary. He only has _maybe_ ten seconds to internally bicker with himself, though, because after pouring a shot of what Tyler's pretty sure is whiskey, and downing it, the man asks, "Are you coming or going, man?"

Tyler has to admit... He's _beyond_ attracted to this man. He's wearing a Rush t-shirt, jeans-- _tight_ jeans that compliment his legs and ass amazingly, and if Tyler were a slightly worse human being than he already is, he'd consider stealing the boots he's wearing. They look cool, alright? "I think I'll stay," he finally answers after spending long enough checking the dude out.

He steps into the apartment himself, closes the door behind him, and gently toes his shoes off when he's being told to do so. Hot Guy bends down for a moment, almost stumbling but grabbing at a bit of counter space just in time, and unties the laces on his boots so he can easily kick them off and push them aside with one of his sock covered feet. His socks aren't anything miraculous--they're black and go up just past his ankles.

Tyler takes his jacket off, draping it on the back of one of the bar stools that the guy is standing by. (Specifically, the one furthest from him.) Hot Guy uses a finger to beckon Tyler forward, a smirk playing on his features. He's... very handsome. Tyler steps closer to him, and he gets a moment to take in his face before Hot Guy is bending down to kiss him. In the dim lighting of his apartment, his eyes look more black than they do brown, yet somehow, his freckles are fairly visible. Tyler thinks they're cute. Hot Guy's lips are a little wet and red and, _god,_ he's _very_ good at kissing.

Tyler brings his arms up, tentatively placing his hands on Hot Guy's shoulders as the older man's hands come to rest on his hips. Admittedly, Tyler hasn't really kissed a lot of people, and this is more of a kiss than any of his other kisses have been. He's shared a few with his best friend, and a few other girls, never any boys, but this-- _this_ is nothing like that. It's cliche, sure, but he always thought kissing was overrated, at least until now. He finds himself kissing back immediately, and, shit, he even hesitates to _break_ the kiss as Hot Guy is pulling away to ask, "Wanna move this to the bedroom...?"

His heart jumps into his throat, but he nods and says, "Yeah."

Hot Guy gives him one last kiss, a nice and slow one, before grabbing him by the hand and leading him further into the apartment. His apartment is nice, honestly. It's not _huge_ by any means, but it's definitely something out of Tyler's price range. He doesn't have the time to take a tour of the apartment, though, because he's being pulled into a bedroom, and-- _wow._

Alright. It's a nice fucking bedroom. The decor isn't anything to write home about, but the furniture is _nice,_ everything looks modern and sleek, and this is honestly the kind of room Tyler could only _dream_ of getting fucked in.

For the first time, Hot Guy actually talks to Tyler. "Are you clean?" is what he asks. He's a little drunk and a little... _something,_ but he asks that with this level of certainty.

Tyler's awkward and kind of a dumb ass, so he all but blurts, "Um. What kind of _clean_?"

"... Any kind, actually." Hot Guy looks a little taken aback. "So?"

"I'm clean in pretty much every sense of the word." And that's the truth. Tyler took a bus from his subdivision to this part of Columbus with the intention of losing his virginity. He wasn't about to come unprepared.

Hot Guy smirks for the millionth time, and chuckles a bit. "That's good. I'm Josh, by the way."

Tyler barely has time to say, "I'm Tyler," before he's being pulled in for another kiss.

***

Sex, with a guy, isn't anything like Tyler thought it was going to be. He's not disappointed, he's _definitely_ not disappointed, and, in fact, it's better than he thought it'd be. Josh is gentle with him, which surprises Tyler, since he gets the vibe that this guy isn't overly emotional or touchy feely in the first place.

As soon as Tyler tells him he's a virgin, though, his entire demeanor changes. He goes from rushing it and being a little rough to taking his time and, well, savoring it. He takes his sweet time getting Tyler turned on, kissing him, _touching_ him, giving him a few hickeys, and paying attention to him in ways that Tyler would've never _thought_ would turn him on.

Tyler decides that his favorite thing in the world, at least at the moment, is the feeling of someone going down on him while he's getting fingered. It hurts a little bit at first--getting fingered--especially since Josh has _thick_ fingers, but after at least ten or twenty minutes, Tyler's making that aforementioned decision.

Tyler feels his heart strings being tugged on when Josh asks, "Are you alright with everything that's happening right now?" as he's rolling a condom onto himself.

He seems genuine, so Tyler takes a moment to consider the question. "Yeah, I am."

Josh doesn't make eye contact with him, but he smiles a little bit, and, alright, this smile is a million times better than the stupid smirk he kept doing earlier. (Not that the smirk wasn't super hot or anything, of course.)

He goes slow once he's between Tyler's legs, stopping and slowing down whenever he's asked, until he's bottomed out. He lets Tyler pull him down into a kiss, seemingly happy to indulge him. Once he gets the go ahead to start, y'know, moving, he does so, nice and slow.

Tyler's a little adamant on kissing him the whole time, only pulling away to breathe and to occasionally moan, and also to quickly say, _"God,_ you're huge."

That makes Josh chuckle a little bit. "Yeah? You're tight." Things progress, and once Josh is absolutely _plowing_ Tyler, he has a hand around his neck, not choking him or anything, but rather holding him in place, he looks down at him with this dark sort of look. "Every time you're with someone else after this, I want you to remember tonight, and I want to be the one you think about _every single time,"_ he fucks in, _hard,_ to punctuate those three words, "you're getting fucked."

***

Josh wakes up the next morning with a splitting headache, disoriented, and wondering why he's so fucking sweaty. It takes him a few more moments to fully wake up, and to realize that the reason he's so sweaty is because he, apparently, was more tweaked than he thought, and let the kid from the night before sleep over. The kid is pressed against his side, sleeping peacefully with his head on Josh's shoulder. ' _Fucking Saporta. Whatever that was, it wasn't E. Probably some fucking cocktail he whipped up in his apartment. Fucker.'_ Is what he thinks to himself as he's rudely getting up, and walking around his room, picking up the kid's clothes, and throwing them at him. "Hey, asshole, wake up. You need to go home."

The kid was awake as soon as Josh was up and out of the bed. He's rubbing at his eye, and sitting up. After a stretch and one good yawn, he says, "I can't go home."

Josh stops dead in his tracks. He was about half way from the bed to the en suite. "Excuse me?"

"Um. My parents think I'm at a friend's house."

"Parents? You live with your _parents?"_

The kid nods, and slides out of the bed, nonchalantly following Josh. Josh doesn't have any plans to use his bathroom, at least not right now, so that's the only reason he lets the kid follow him. (Well, that and the fact that the kid smells a little rank. The smell of sex isn't that attractive when you _aren't_ about to fuck someone within an inch of their life.) "I'm a sophomore. In college."

 _'God, he's so full of shit.'_ "Uh-huh. Right." Josh gives him a noncommittal grunt, as he's stepping into his shower, and motioning for the kid to join him. "How old are you?"

While Josh is taking the shower head out of it's holder, and as he's holding it towards the corner of the shower to avoid being blasted with cold water right off the bat, Tyler answers him. "I'm twenty one."

"Alright. What year were you born?" Josh has to raise his voice a little bit.

"Nineteen... seventy nine."

"You're full of shit. You had to think. How old are you _really?"_ Josh reaches up to place the shower head back where it came from, and to adjust it so he can at least get his hair wet. He hands his body wash to the kid when he's being asked to.

"Twenty."

"You're still lying."

The kid frowns, and Josh just gives him a blank look before pressing down on the pump on his shampoo bottle. "Nineteen."

Josh sighs, and closes his eyes so he doesn't get shampoo in them.

"Eighteen?"

"Please tell me you're at least sixteen, dude."

"I turn eighteen in four months," he finally admits in a defeated tone.

 _Good enough for me._ "What is it with kids these days...?" Josh mutters as he's dipping his head under the stream of water to rinse his hair.

The kid responds as Josh is moving out of the way so he can rinse his body. "I just wanna get laid, man, just like everyone else."

Josh rolls his eyes. "Right. Do you need a ride to school?" He's pressing the top of an Old Spice can, getting a decent amount of shaving cream on his hand before lathering his jaw and picking his razor up from where it rests on top of the shower door.

"If it's not too much trouble...?"

"I suppose it's not."

The kid whines like a child when Josh takes his razor to his beard. "Aw, c'mon, man, why are you shaving the beard? It's hot."

"I look like a lumberjack. Anyways, I have work. My boss has been on my ass to shave it for a few weeks anyways." Josh mutters the last sentence, and the kid just... watches in awe as he goes from a self proclaimed lumberjack to a chiseled god, looking even more beautiful than he thought possible. Josh catches the look on his face, and questions him while making eye contact through the mirror hanging in his shower. "What's with the look?"

"You're fucking hot, bro."

Josh snorts and rolls his eyes. "Thanks."

***

Josh has his hand down the back of the kid's pants, and he's kissing him pretty fucking intently when he hears two loud _thuds_ against his apartment door before it opens. Tyler jerks away from him, but Josh draws him back with his thumb and index finger on either side of his chin, telling him not to worry about it.

Josh knows it's Brendon. He always knocks, twice, before opening the door and inviting himself in. He's _positive_ it's Brendon when he hears, _"Yo, Dun! I need a ride to work!"_

Josh ignores him. He likes making out with this kid, and he kind of wants to get his dick sucked before work. He does happen to hear Brendon calling him an asshole as he's walking down the hall and throwing Josh's bedroom door open. Brendon gets an eyeful of the kid straddling Josh, and he makes a gagging noise. "Jesus fucking Christ. Didn't the two of you get enough last night? Also, Josh, did you hear me?"

Josh sighs, and withdraws his hand from the kid's pants, shooing him off his lap so they can finish getting dressed. "I'm not deaf, you fuck. Kids need a high protein breakfast these days, y'know?"

The kid snorts, and Brendon looks like he's at his wit's end. "Shut up, fuckhead."

Josh gives him a tiny shit eating look. "I'll take you to work after I get this one," he smacks the kids ass as he's standing up to fetch his socks, "to school."

Brendon scoffs sharply. _"School?_ How old is he?"

The kid answers for him. "Seventeen."

"Oh, for fuck's sake--"

"What? He's seventeen. He can consent."

"Do you even know his name?" Brendon gives him a pointed look, hands on his hips.

Josh racks his brain for a few moments. He knows that the kid told him his name, but he's drawing blanks, so he just avoids eye contact as he's buttoning his shirt and tucking it into his slacks.

The kid lets out a dejected sigh. "It's Tyler."

"You _fucked him_ and you didn't even know his name?" is what Brendon mutters under his breath in an incredulous tone.

Josh shrugs. "I don't know the names of half the guys I fuck, Brendon. Get off my back."

***

Some kid shouts, "Faggot!" at Tyler from across the front lawn of Tyler's school as he's getting out of Josh's car.

Josh opens his own car door, and stands up to point at the kid who'd yelled at Tyler. "Watch your fucking tongue, or I'll march me and my perky ass over there to kick _your_ tight little virgin ass, got it?"

Tyler giggles a little bit at the mortified look on the other kid's face. Once Josh sits back down in his car, Tyler bends down until he's eye level, so he can ask, "When can I see you again?"

Brendon laughs from the other side of Josh, and Josh lets out a wry laugh himself. "In your dreams, kid." He pulls Tyler into one last quick kiss, and after that, he's closing his car door and pulling out from his parking space so he can drop Brendon off at work.

***

"Give me _one_ good reason as to why I shouldn't kick your fucking ass, you piece of shit," Ashley starts the second she gets her eyes on Tyler.

"I'm cute and sensitive?" Tyler supplies, not at all helpfully.

"No, fuck that. That's not good enough. Where were you last night? Your mom called my cell, and I didn't know what the fuck to tell her, because I haven't seen you outside of school since summer break ended! At least give me a heads up when you need someone to cover for you!"

Tyler makes a face, and leads the way to his locker, so he can get his things, which he left at school on Friday. As he's entering his locker combination, he admits, "I was with someone."

 _"With someone?"_ Ashley laughs out of shock. "You're full of shit."

"Nope. I met a guy last night, and we fucked for, like, two hours. It's a miracle I can even _walk_ right now."

"No fucking way." Her face is growing more and more shocked by the second. As soon as Tyler has his textbook and his binder under his arm, and his locker closed, she's grabbing him by the arm and tugging him down the hall and into an empty classroom. It's one that they both know won't be occupied until the afternoon, which is why they're able to get away with it. She closes the door behind them, and they stand in place to where they can't be seen from the window. "Tell me what happened."

"Alright, so, you know that one street on the south end of town? Independence avenue? With the gay club and all the gay bars and that one diner?"

"Every queer in existence knows of that street. Of course I do."

Tyler rolls his eyes. He's trying to speed through the story so he's not late to first period. "Okay, so, I got a bus from my subdivision to there, and I was, like, walking down the street, kind of just... fucking around and exploring, really, and I was about to cross the street to see if I could get into the gay club, because I was morbidly curious, but then this _guy_ comes up to me--I swear, Ash, he's such a fucking wet dream."

"Describe him. Make this real for me."

"Six two, possibly of Asian decent, _beard,_ sharp jawline and fairly high cheekbones. Decent eyebrows, same haircut that I have right now, except his hair is fluffy, a little darker than mine, and _curly._ His eyes are the _prettiest_ shade of brown. I couldn't see it last night, but I saw them this morning, and, god, he's so fucking beautiful. He's muscular, very muscular. I'm sure he was flexing half the time, but his abs... I would pay just to lick them. Also, you know when guys have, like..." Tyler tries finding a way to describe it, before setting his binder and textbook down on the shelf next to him, and pulling his shirt up. He points at his v-line. "That? He had that. Holy shit, man. I didn't get to suck his dick, but I swear to fuck, the first chance I get, _I will."_

"What was he wearing? That's important to me."

"He was wearing a Rush t-shirt, kind of like the one I have except the font looked a little cooler. Um. Tight jeans. Tight jeans aren't even in style, but he rocked them. His ass looked fucking great. He had on boots, kind of like the ones you're wearing. I was half tempted to steal them, honestly, but I'm barely a good enough person to not. That's pretty much it."

"Great, now _I_ want to fuck him."

"Trust me, so did I. He marched across the fucking street, didn't even give a shit that cars were honking at him, and he just stopped, like, right in front of me. I was like _holy shit,_ because the hottest guy I've seen, ever, is now in front of me, looking me up and down, and pretty much just inviting me back to his place."

"His _place?_ What's his place like?"

"I didn't, uh, see much of it besides the kitchen, the hall, and his bedroom, but from what I saw, it was... It's fucking nice. If it was more than one story, I'd call it a condo, honestly. It's about the size of a small house. Jesus. I don't care what I have to do--I'm _so_ marrying this guy. I'm pretty sure I'm in love."

"Uh-huh, right. How old is he?"

"... I'm unsure, but he's definitely at _least_ a decade older than we are."

"And what's his name?"

"Josh--probably Joshua--Dun. He's a fucking god, Ash."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Monday somewhere smh

Tyler finds himself on Independence Avenue a week later, this time on a Saturday, so he doesn't have to worry about being up for school. If he's being honest with himself, he's there with the intention of seeing Josh again, or at least someone to cop a little weed from. It just depends on which one he manages to do first. He's a rebellious teenager. Fucking hot older guys and smoking weed is what he does with his life.

He slips into one of the bars, figuring that this can be the first place he checks. _Sure,_ maybe he's stalking Josh, but, like... He's hot. Tyler can't help it. He manages to make himself at home on one of the bar stools, and after flirting with the bartender for ten minutes or so, he gets a watered down beer to show for it. It's better than nothing, he supposes, and he's sipping at it, not really paying attention to his surroundings, when the guy who'd showed up at Josh's apartment, yelling about a ride to work, walks up to where he's at, sits next to him, and nudges him in the shoulder. "What are you doing here? Didn't you get enough last week?"

Tyler makes a face before rolling his eyes. He looks the guy in the eye. "I was _kind of_ hoping to see Josh again. Not that it's any of your business, of course." Tyler shrugs, and takes a hearty swig of his watered down beer.

Weird Shouty Guy gives him a dubious look before answering him. "You should check Atlantis. It's a gay dance club a few blocks down the street from here. It's pretty nondescript from the outside, but there's usually a bit of a line, and you can hear the music from outside. He tends to be there on the weekends. Though... You shouldn't involve yourself with him." Weird Shouty Guy adds the last part with a bit of a mutter.

"And why not?" Tyler raises his eyebrows.

"He's not a good person." That raises a red flag in Tyler's head. Not about Josh, but about this guy. "He doesn't do relationships. You're just going to end up heartbroken and disappointed."

"What's your name?" Tyler asks with a tilt of his head.

"It's... Brendon?" Weird Shouty Guy--Brendon--seems a little confused, probably wondering why Tyler asked him for his name out of pretty much nowhere.

Tyler holds up a finger, and pretty much chugs the rest of his beer. He sets his glass down on the counter, and after recovering from the post-alcohol cringe, he's saying, "Thanks for the advice, Brendon," in an obviously sarcastic tone before he's getting down from the bar stool, exiting the bar, and asking someone for directions to the dance club that Brendon had told him about.

***

Tyler tries bluffing his way into the club, but one of the bouncers catches on to the fact that he's underage, and Tyler, being the self aware little shit he is, knowing he's attractive in that cute, innocent, twink way, ends up giving one of the bouncers a quick handy behind the club just to get inside.

Once he's actually inside, he examines the crowd for a few minutes, before he spots Josh. Josh is close enough to make eye contact with him, and Tyler's pretty sure that he says, _"Shit,"_ under his breath, given the way his lips had moved, and the look on his face.

Tyler starts walking towards him, naively hopeful, smiling even, but Josh just grabs his arm, and drags him right back outside of the club to talk to him. They're out of earshot of anyone who might hear them when Josh basically hisses, "Are you _stalking_ me now?"

Tyler frowns, and shakes his head. "N-no, not at all. I was just--I was kind of hoping we could... um... see each other again...?" His breath catches in his throat, and, god, he's actually super fucking embarrassed right now.

"Didn't you hear me last week? I said _no._ Look--" Josh takes a deep breath; "--I get it. I took your virginity, and I'm sure that meant something to you, but it didn't mean _shit_ to me. What we did wasn't _love,_ or whatever the fuck else you're telling yourself it was. It was just a _fuck._ We aren't _boyfriends,_ we aren't in love; you're _nothing_ to me. Anyways--let's face it." Josh laughs now, nice and cruel. "I've already had you, so quit following me, you little shit."

Tyler quits making eye contact with Josh about halfway through that. He's... shocked, to say the least. He can feel tears of, well, mortification in his eyes, and he's turning around and rushing away before any of those tears have a chance to fall. It's not as if he's heartbroken or anything, but his feelings are definitely hurt.

As he's walking, he thinks. For the most pa rt, he hadn't convinced himself that he had anything more with Josh. He knew they didn't really have anything, but Josh was right--after all, he was Tyler's first. That meant something to Tyler. The experience itself wasn't _bad._ It was a pretty fucking great experience, if anything, but Josh's words... They were just straight up _mean._ No one likes having someone be _mean_ to them.

Once he's pretty sure that Josh isn't watching him walk away anymore, he pulls his wallet out of his back pocket, and counts his money. He has about seventy dollars, and he decides that he's going to use some of that to get something to eat.

It takes another few blocks of walking before he sees a restaurant named after the avenue. He finds it a little funny, and a little charming, so he steps inside, and looks around. There's pride flags and posters all over the damn place, and there's a few obviously gay men and women in the restaurant, or diner, rather, eating their meals. A few of the men give him predatory looks, but he ignores them, opting to just take a seat at the counter.

The waiter currently working the graveyard shift steps behind the counter, and walks over to where he's standing in front of where Tyler's sitting so he can take his order. He's a peculiar looking guy. He's built like a brick shit house, has teeth that are just a little too white, hair that's dyed black and unnaturally straight, and his eyes--they're green, and look far too receptive for Tyler's liking.

"Uh..." Tyler drawls out, dumbly, as he glances up at the menu on the wall behind the man, whose name tag reads _Pete :)._ "Can I get a hamburger, but without the onion or mustard. Please. Also..." Tyler looks around to make sure no ones listening to him, before quietly finishing with, "Do ya think I could order a beer, too?"

"If you can show me an ID to verify you're over twenty one, then yeah, I can," comes his nice, smooth response. "And I'm not saying it has to be a real one," he keeps his voice down. "I was a teenager once too, so I feel you. I just can't let you have a drink without an ID."

Tyler sighs, obviously disappointed. "I don't have a valid ID on me."

"I'll give you a number to call if you want a fake one. _Anyways--_ hamburger, hold the onion and the mustard, and would you like anything to drink besides a beer?"

Tyler looks at the drinks menu. "Eh, fuck it. How about a chocolate milkshake?"

Pete repeats his order back to him once again, just to confirm it's correct, and once he gets that confirmation, he's grinning, saying, "Coming right up man," before he's walking over to hang the meal ticket up for the chef to look at. He slinks back over to the counter, and makes himself look busy, wiping down cups and stacking them neatly. "Aren't you the guy Josh picked up last week?"

 _Oh, god._ Tyler recognizes him now. He was one of Josh's buddies. He nods. "Uh. Yeah. I kind of came back here to see if I could, y'know, get with him again, but he was kind of mean about turning me down." Tyler explains the gist of what Josh had told him, and Pete winces a bit.

"You look young, and like you don't want some thirty something year old's advice about someone you shouldn't really even be pursuing in the first place, but you need to avoid Josh. He's an asshole, and he's selfish. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, _maybe_ Brendon, but even then, he treats Brendon like shit half the time. He doesn't do boyfriends, and, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't even capable of caring for anyone anymore. Feel free to push your luck, because I can't control you, but that's just my two cents."

Tyler makes a look that's bordering on disgusted. "How come everyone thinks he's such an emotionless asshole? That Brendon guy--he basically told me the same thing about half an hour ago. Said Josh wasn't a good person. Why does everyone think that?"

"I've known him since he was eighteen, and he's twenty nine now. Brendon's known him since he was twelve. We've both been around him long enough to know what he's like--he's not a good person, at least not the kind of person that someone your age needs to be going after."

Tyler doesn't say anything else after that. Sure, Josh was a _major_ fucking asshole earlier, and he appreciates the concern from Pete, but he just finds it odd, how Josh's friends talk about him behind his back.

***

Another week passes, and Josh finds himself at Atlantis again. To be fair, he's here almost every night, but this night, specifically, is a little interesting.

Brendon meets a guy, and although Josh isn't getting very good vibes from the guy, he still gives Brendon a shit eating look, because it's not really his problem. He couldn't give less of a shit about the baby faced thirty five year old hitting on his best friend, especially when there's a certain seventeen year old grinding up on some other guy out on the floor.

Josh watches them for awhile, stewing. Tyler looks over at him a few times, giving him a dirty look, and, honestly, Josh is a little butt hurt. Not jealous, but definitely butt hurt. He was half expecting Tyler to be fawning over _him,_ staring at _him_ in awe, admiring _him_ from afar, _pining,_ but right now, he's not. He's just letting some--some _guy_ grab his ass through his jeans.

Josh is about two seconds from getting up to go split Tyler and his current trick up, but he hears a voice in his ear at some point, one belonging to Brendon, saying, "I'm ducking out to go get laid, but please, for the love of all that's holy, don't tell me you're actually considering taking that kid home again. What happened to your 'never more than once' rule?"

Josh rolls his eyes, and shoves Brendon away. "It's none of your fucking business." It really isn't. "Go be jealous elsewhere."

 _"Jealous?_ Fuck you." Josh gets whacked in the back of the head for that, and Brendon's gone before he can do anything about it.

He slaps a twenty on the bar, before getting off of his bar stool, and basically stalking over to Tyler. He looks the guy Tyler was dancing with in the eye, and says, "Fuck off." Thankfully, the guy isn't a confrontational type, and fucks off without protesting. Once he's gone, Josh takes his place, and asks, "What are you doing here again?" as he's putting his hands on Tyler's hips, and pulling him back to where his ass is right on the crotch of Josh's jeans, while they half-ass dance to Bananarama's Venus.

"Trying to get fucked, because I'm horny," Tyler answers, bluntly, figuring that holding his ground with Josh might be a good way to start. "Is it any of your business?" Tyler turns around so he can look up at Josh. He pretty much has to crane his neck back to look up at him, since he only goes up to about Josh's shoulders.

Josh gets away with stealing a single kiss from Tyler. He shrugs as he says, "I guess not."

"Don't you have someone else to fuck? I thought you were done with me."

"I'm not having any luck, and we _all_ know you're infatuated." Josh is teasing him, and tyler just rolls his eyes and turns around again, trying to act like he's not interested. Josh is somehow smooth about wrapping his arms around Tyler's waist, and pulling him back far enough to where he can _definitely_ feel the hard on in Josh's leather pants.

Tyler rolls his eyes, even though Josh can't see him. "You're a presumptuous son of a bitch, you know that? Why should I sleep with you again?"

"Why not? You're hot, I'm hot, and, hey, you ain't a half bad lay."

Tyler considered the offer for a few moments, despite alright knowing that he's going to say yes. He just doesn't want to come off as _too_ desperate. "It's tempting."

"Yeah?" Josh bites at his earlobe and lets one of his hands slide up Tyler's shirt. "How about it?"

 _"Fine."_ Tyler turns around once again, placing his hands on Josh's shoulders so he can stand up on his toes to ask, "Do you wanna go back to your place, or?"

"There's a perfectly fine bathroom."

Tyler doesn't verbally respond to him, at least not at first. He does eventually tell Josh to lead the way, though, and Josh listens to him. He grabs him by the hand, and pulls him towards the bathroom. He backs Tyler into a stall once they're in the bathroom, and only gets a kiss in before Tyler's pushing him away to ask, "Do you have a condom with you?"

"That and a travel sized packet of lube. Who do you think I am?"

"I kind of think you're a massive asshole."

"Gee, thanks." Josh rolls his eyes. "Don't worry about it. I almost always have a condom or two on me."

Tyler pulls him down into a kiss, and, well. They kiss for a good five minutes or so, Tyler rubbing Josh's cock through his leather pants, and Josh pretty much fondling Tyler's ass. Their kiss is rough and sloppy, and Tyler can smell, not to mention taste the booze on Josh's tongue. Josh doesn't seem very inebriated, but Tyler doesn't have the time to question it, since Josh is unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his jeans, pulling his cock out of his boxers, and pushing Tyler down to his knees.

Tyler looks provocative on his knees like this, looking up at Josh as he's reaching down to place his thumb on Tyler's bottom lip. Tyler opens his mouth, and wraps his lips around Josh's thumb as he's sticking it into Tyler's mouth, right in the middle of his tongue. He's using his other hand to stroke himself, and he bites his lip as he looks down at Tyler.

Josh removes his thumb from Tyler's mouth, letting out a little sigh as the boy's mouth drops open. ' _Fuck. He's hot.'_ Josh runs his fingers through Tyler's hair, and clenches his fist just tight enough to where he has a fairly decent grip on his hair. Josh hasn't fucked any young guys in awhile. He always forgets how eager they are until he's actually _with one._

Tyler wraps his lips around the head of Josh's cock as it's being led into his mouth, and closes his eyes. Josh can tell this is the first, or at least one of the first blow jobs Tyler's given someone. He's not _that_ great at it, but he's hot enough to get away with it. Josh has to make him stop the second Tyler decides to display the fact that he, _apparently,_ doesn't have a gag reflex, and knows how to _deep throat._

"Oh, _fuck,_ don't do that. Holy shit."

Tyler smirks up at him, and wipes his mouth off. He gets back onto his feet, cheekily saying, "I got a little creative with bananas when I was in boy scouts."

That makes Josh let out a quick huff of laughter. "Turn around, boy scout."

Tyler gives him a silly little salute before listening to him. He preemptively leans forward and plants his hand flat on the wall in front of him as Josh is tugging his jeans and underwear down at the same time. When he turns his head to look over his shoulder, Josh is tearing open a packet of lube. He dips his middle finger into it, and has that finger pressed against Tyler's entrance when they make eye contact. "You good?"

Tyler nods, because, yeah, he is.

"I want you to say it. Out loud."

"I'm good. Keep going." Tyler pushes his ass back a little bit, against Josh's finger. Tyler feels like he's a little foolish for placing so much trust in Josh right now. The last time he had sex with anyone was when he met Josh for the first time a few weeks ago, and that experience was, obviously, fucking great, and Tyler still trusts him not to hurt him, or anything like that. He starts feeling as if his trust isn't misplaced, though, since Josh is adamant on getting explicit consent from him.

He finds himself leaning into Josh's touch as he slides his left hand up the back of Tyler's shirt. He doesn't know if this is just a thing Josh does, or if it's, like, a gesture of affection or something--what he does know, though, is that he enjoys the contact.

Josh works him up to two fingers, then three, and by the time he's pulling them out for good, Tyler's _desperate,_ and trying not to make any noise, aside from a few whispered 'fuck me's and 'Josh, please's here and there.

Josh shushes him, and Tyler almost _moans_ when he hears Josh fiddling with a condom. He ends up with Josh's hand over his mouth as the man starts fucking him. He whispers filthy things into his ear, _absolute sin,_ and Tyler swears he's never been so turned on before. Like, who knew that getting fucked in the bathroom at a gay dance club could be so _arousing?_

Tyler winds up biting a few of Josh's fingers while he's getting fucked, and he bites down _hard_ as he's coming, _barely_ holding back a slew of moans, legs trembling, and hands grasping for purchase on the tiled wall they'd been on. Tyler's panting and out of breath by the time Josh has finished, and they stay there like that for a few minutes, Josh with his head pressed against the back of Tyler's shoulder, eventually pressing a few kisses to the back of his neck.

Josh pulls out eventually, and tries to be as quick and as neat as possible about getting the condom off of himself, and tossing it, plus the wrappers for both the condom and the lube, into the toiled in front of Tyler. He's also quick about tucking himself back into his underwear, and getting his pants pulled up, zipped, and buttoned.

Tyler gets himself situated--pulls his own underwear and pants up. He's trying to reign in his emotions, but Josh giving him this stupid, dumb, vulnerable look and asking, "You alright?" in an almost whisper is _really_ making it hard.

Tyler nods, and lets out a breath. He makes a vague gesture with his hand, and tries saying something. He doesn't get very far into what he's trying to say before just cracking and asking, "Can I just... have a hug?"

Josh nods, and tugs Tyler towards him. Tyler takes the bait, immediately wrapping his arms around Josh's torso, pressing his face against his chest. Josh wraps his arms around Tyler, and tries his best to make it a _good_ hug. He runs his hand through Tyler's hair and kisses the top of his head. They stay like that for a few minutes and Josh finds himself making an offer that he hasn't ever made to anyone before. "You need a place to stay for the night?" He's a little caught off guard by Tyler's sudden vulnerability, and figures that's why he's suddenly concerned.

Tyler pulls away from him to shake his head. "No, but, uh... You sober enough to drive me home if I give you directions?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Only had a few shots of tequila earlier. Um. Are you alright? You--you kinda look upset, or something, and I just--I have this thing about wanting my sexual partners to feel safe and all that shit." While that's true, Josh mentally points out that he's never gone this far out of his way for _anyone_ except for the one boyfriend he had in his early twenties and, on occasion, Brendon.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Don't worry. Just, uh, trying to get used to the idea of casual sex is all."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is wednesday my dudes  
> i dont think i edited the note in the first chapter to say monday/wednesday/friday instead of monday/friday WOOPS

Tyler's life goes on for a few months, everything just the same as usual. He sneaks out at least once a week, sometimes twice, goes to bars and clubs, sees Josh just about every other week, sees _other_ men, and hits the diner to get something to eat and to bullshit with whoever is working the graveyard shift (usually Pete) before catching a bus back to his neighborhood so he can walk home and crawl in through his bedroom window at some ungodly hour of the morning.

He usually gets at least a few hours of sleep in before he's being woken up again to go to school, and if it's a weekend, specifically a Sunday, he sleeps in. (His parents are Seventh Day Adventists.) He always sleeps in on Sundays. Unless, of course, it's this Sunday specifically, because bright and fucking early, much to his disliking, his mother is nudging him awake, smiling at him sweetly as if she wasn't screaming at him the night before, looking somewhat excited, saying, "Tyler, go get ready. I want to go out for breakfast."

Tyler groans, and rolls over, hoping she takes that as a no. He's tired and he's fucked out, courtesy of Josh. He needs at _least_ another four hours to be properly rested, but he knows his mom, and he knows that unless he wants to get yelled at and possibly slapped, he needs to get up.

Added... There's three people in the world more stubborn than Tyler is. First, it's his mother, then his father, then Josh, but, with Josh, it's more or less an equal level of stubbornness, one which Tyler's trying to work on. He's persistent and he has a crush.

God, it seems as if his life revolves around _Josh_ right now. He's intrigued by the older man, to say the least, and given the way Josh has been acting lately, and given some of the things that Pete, and a few of Josh's other friends have said to him, he figures it's say to assume that at least a little bit of that interest is mutual. (The hickeys on his collarbones and thighs, and the way his ass aches the mornings after he sees Josh are a pretty good, ah, _indicator_ of the man's _interest._ Tyler also supposes he should feel creeped out around Josh, given the man is almost thirty, and that he's a few months shy of eighteen, but, honestly, he doesn't.)

He takes his shower, though, and when he's walking back into his room, in his sweatpants with a towel conveniently placed around his neck, covering his collarbones, he finds his mother looking at something with an almost mortified expression on her face. He doesn't have his contacts in, so he doesn't realize what she's looking at until he's right in front of her, squinting down at the _Polaroids_ in her hands, and, _oh fuck._ They're Polaroids that Pete had snapped, mostly to annoy Josh, the one time they had ran into each other at the diner.

Tyler was there late (or early) enough to where Josh had stopped by on his way to work to get breakfast, and, for some reason, Josh had decided to sit across from Tyler. Tyler wasn't one to complain of course, since Josh paid for his meal. Tyler was, admittedly, flirting with Josh, along with trying to make decent conversation, and, apparently, they'd been eye fucking or looking at each other lovingly (Brendon and Pete argued over it), so Pete decided to take a few pictures. Tyler likes the one where Josh is flipping the camera off, and he himself is just sitting there, hiding his face, and trying not to laugh too much because, _hey,_ Josh is _so_ uptight.

"What are these?" She asks, quietly.

"They're just pictures." Tyler snatches them from her hands after that. He doesn't want her to take them away. These pictures are important to him.

She's quiet for a moment, but eventually asks, "Who is he?"

Tyler lies, saying, "Just a friend." Josh isn't his boyfriend, and they aren't dating, but they meet up once in awhile to fuck, and Josh sometimes buys him drinks at Atlantis and a few of the bars if he's feeling nice. They don't even know each other that well; all Tyler really knows about Josh is that he's not as much of an asshole as everyone thinks he is, and all Josh knows about Tyler is that he's just a kid with a crush. It is what it is, and it's not that deep of a relationship, if you could even call it that.

Tyler stuffs the photos into the binder he uses for school, and places his backpack in such a way to where he's going to know if anyone tampered with it.

"I don't believe you."

"Alright. That's your problem. I don't have to justify myself to you. I'm seventeen."

"You're still a minor, and you live in _my_ house. You _do_ have to justify yourself to me. Tell me who he is."

"He's a friend. We met at, a, uh, restaurant Ash took me to a few months ago. He's just a friend that I talk to about things. I can trust him." Mostly a lie. Tyler does try talking to Josh sometimes, but mostly it's just him rambling, and offhand comments here and there. For the most part, all Josh does to reply to him is either respond with some smart ass comment, or give him a grunt to acknowledge that he heard him.

His mother just makes a noise of acknowledgment herself before she's stepping out of the room, presumably to give him a little privacy while he gets dressed.

***

Josh gets about five minutes of alone time in his apartment after kicking his latest trick out before the door is getting knocked on, and he's repeating a manta of, _"Please don't be Tyler, please don't be Tyler,"_ under his breath.

He's pretty sure it isn't, since it's eleven on a Thursday, and since Tyler's typical days are Fridays and Saturdays. Thankfully, it actually _isn't_ Tyler, but rather Brendon, who's holding up a plastic bag containing what is most definitely a few nuggets of weed, and a pipe.

"Better not be any of that dry ass shit that Saporta tries selling," Josh mutters as he lets Brendon into his apartment.

"No, fuck that. It's the kind Pete always gets. He didn't want the rest of it, so I offered to take it off his hands."

Josh grunts, and picks his lighter out of his jacket pocket before following Brendon into his living room. "Go open all the windows," he instructs his friend as he's stepping over to his desk, which is at one end of his living room, opening the bottom drawer, and rummaging around until he finds his 'herb grinder.' (It's definitely meant for shit like oregano, but that's not what Josh uses it for.)

It takes another five minutes or so of preparation until Josh is packing a bowl, and asking, "Why are you here? Weed means we're gonna have a talk."

Brendon's sitting on the floor on the other side of Josh's coffee table, playing with his own lighter, running his hand back and forth of the flame, as he responds. "Yeah. I wanted to talk about the one guy I fucked awhile. Tall and pretty."

"What's there to talk about?" Josh looks up for a moment to give him a weird look. "You already told me he's hung and that he's a good fuck. There honestly can't be anything more to it."

Brendon rolls his eyes and sets his lighter down. "There's more to people than their dick size, and there's more to relationships than sex. Point is, I went on a few dates with him."

"Uh-huh..." Josh is listening, but he's acting as if he's not that interested, and, to be fair, he sort of isn't, but Brendon's his best friend, so he's pretty sure he's, like, obligated to listen to him. He holds the pipe out towards Brendon, telling him he can do the honors and take the first hit of the night. Brendon starts talking as he's handing the pipe back across the table.

"He's kind, he's nice to me, and he's so... charming. He's perfect. _Also,_ he's rich. Well... Not _rich..._ But he's comfortable."

"How comfortable?"

"He could retire at thirty five and live comfortably for two lifetimes. Okay, I think that's an exaggeration, but he's a stockbroker or some shit."

"That's it. It's the money. That's why you like him." _Seems reasonable._

"It's not about the _money._ I didn't even know until a few days ago. It's just... I'm serious, man, he's so nice, y'know? And--and we get along almost perfectly. I feel like I might _have_ something with him."

"You shouldn't be putting him up on a pedestal like that." Josh shakes his head. He's had enough experience with other men to know that by now. "He's probably not as great as you're making him out to be."

Brendon scoffs, and laughs. "Can it, you fuck. You hate _everyone_ except for me and that kid. Jesus--are _you_ jealous?"

"I don't like that _kid,_ and I'm not jealous of you." Josh flips him off.

Brendon sighs, sarcastically, and leans forward. "Don't worry, Joshie. You're still the love of my life. I'm just falling for someone else, y'know? You'll always be my number one though."

Josh gives him a dead in the eyes sort of look. "Fuck off. Also, you still owe me two fifty from when I covered your bills last month."

Brendon groans. "Of course, of course--you choose _now_ to bring that up. Look, man, not everyone happens to be an ad exec that makes millions each and every day."

"Okay, that's just a lie. I brought home about three hundred thou last month. You're grossly overestimating how much I make. _Anyways!_ Aren't you the one who told me that the second I got this job, you didn't want me treating you any differently because I suddenly had more money? _I'm_ listening to you. Also, not everyone happens to work at a fucking book store that pays for shit."

Brendon makes a face. "Whatever. Topic change. Talk to Papa Brendon about that kid. Are you, like, in love with him or something?"

Josh is in the middle of inhaling smoke, and _that_ catches him by surprise, causing him to start coughing. "No, you _fuck._ I don't _love_ him. Shit--I don't even _like_ him. I've only known him for a few months anyways. That's not long enough to _love_ someone."

"So... You're admitting the possibility is there?"

"That is _not_ what I said. Quit twisting my words. Look, contrary to popular belief, I'm not completely emotionless, alright? I'm capable of loving someone, but if I were to love someone _like that,_ it wouldn't be him." Josh can feel the hair on the back of his neck standing up--something that happens whenever he lies. He doesn't know why, though.

"Why not? He's cute and he's the only person on this planet besides me who likes you and who puts up with your shit. Also, he's _so_ far up your ass."

"He is _not_ up my ass, Brendon."

"Yes he is! He looks at you like you hung the stars in the sky."

Josh takes less than a minute to successfully change the subject after that. _I don't like Tyler like that. He's just some kid with weird priorities._

***

A week after Tyler's mother finds the Polaroids, he's at a bar, a gay bar of course, with Josh and a few of Josh's friends. There's a handful of bars on this street, and out of all of them, Vista has to be Tyler's favorite. It's not sleazy, or at least _that_ sleazy, and the bartenders don't card. The only downside that Tyler can really even think of is that the air is thick with cigarette smoke every single night.

Tyler's sitting in a chair that he moved to be close to Josh, close enough to where he can comfortably tuck himself into the man's side. Josh has one muscular arm around his slender shoulders as he's bickering with Brendon, and Tyler himself is trying not to be too giddy, since this is one of the very, _very_ rare occasions that Josh is openly showing him affection, aside from after sex. (Josh can act like an asshole all he wants, but he's a firm believer in aftercare.)

Tyler is also most _definitely_ giving everyone at the table smug looks, as if to say, _"I'm the favorite!"_

On the other side of the table sits Brendon, with Ryan, his current beau, who is giving Josh dirty looks for whatever reason. It befuddles Tyler. He's met Ryan a handful of times, and, honestly, he's used to _Brendon_ being the insanely jealous type; not the typically mild-mannered thirty five year old that he's been seeing.

On the other side of Ryan sits Pete, who's having a conversation with Patrick. Tyler's only met Patrick one other time. He's a super nice guy, at least in Tyler's opinion. Sure, he's a little misguided, but he's _nice._ Tyler likes him and they get along pretty alright. He wouldn't necessarily hang out with him on his own, were the occasion to arise, but he'd trust the guy to save him if he were ever dangling off of a cliff or something.

Patrick's a little peculiar looking, kind of like Pete. His hair is bleached blonde, and Tyler can tell that Patrick doesn't have a very thick head of hair. Along with _that,_ he's lanky, almost as skinny as Tyler is, which is saying something. He's not lanky in that teenager way, though; it's more in the _I'm trying very hard to cling to my youth_ sort of way. Tyler doesn't knock him for it, though, because, hey--he apparently has a pretty active sex life.

Tyler gets dragged out of his thoughts by Josh, who's giving him a quick peck on the lips, saying, "I gotta go to the bathroom. You want anything from the bar?"

Tyler holds up one finger, smiling up at him sweetly; "One beer."

Josh hesitates for a few seconds, but he smiles back a little awkwardly, and once he's out of earshot, Pete's slowly asking, "What the fuck did you do to him?"

"Huh?" Tyler feigns innocence, acting confused--taken aback. He knows exactly what Pete's getting at, but he likes playing dumb.

"What did you _do_ to him? He's acting like a _boyfriend,_ and in the eleven years I've known that man, not _once_ have I seen him do anything more affectionate than a quick bro-hug."

Tyler shrugs. "No idea. He's probably just in a mood or something. I mean, most of the time he's about as tight lipped as the North Korean border. Anyways, he's not completely emotionless, y'know. Even Joshua William Dun, world's biggest asshole, has feelings."

Brendon makes a face at that before taking a sip of his own drink, and Tyler calls him out on it.

"What's that face for, Urie?"

Patrick's the one who rolls his eyes with an overly dramatic _sigh_ before he's reaching over to take one of Brendon's hands in his own, telling him, "It's okay to admit that you're jealous of Tyler." _He's definitely drunk._ "It's understandable that you're upset over not being the only twink in Josh's life anymore."

Tyler laughs a little bit when Brendon's batting Patrick's hands away and telling him to fuck off. He bites the inside of his cheek at the pissy little look on Ryan's face too, before calling _him_ out. "You too. What's _that_ look for?"

"Oh, haven't you heard, Tyler?" Pete's tone is _dripping_ with sarcasm as he looks to Ryan, then to Tyler. "Ryan doesn't _like_ Josh, not one bit. He's totally afraid that Brendon's going to leave him for Josh."

Tyler actually snorts this time, and after Brendon gets done calling everyone an asshole, Josh conveniently chooses that moment to come back to the table with a glass of scotch for himself and a can of PBR for Tyler. He's also the bearer of bad news. "Bar closes in fifteen, guys," is what he says as he's sitting back down.

Everyone groans.

Tyler sucks down his beer in record time, and he holds onto Josh's arm as the man is leading the way out of the bar. Everyone goes their own way, with Tyler and Josh heading in one direction, towards Josh's car, and everyone else heading toward their respective cars.

Josh steals a few kisses from Tyler while they're walking, and barely manages to get one more before Tyler's getting into the car with a stupid little grin on his face.

During the fairly short ride to Josh's apartment (which is a few streets over), where Tyler just assumes they're going to fool around, since that's what they always do, he decides to ask, "What was with you tonight?"

He knows full well what Tyler meant, but still responds with, "What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I mean. You aren't stupid, Josh." _He's so... weird. One minute he's acting like I'm the scum of the earth, treating me like I don't even exist, then the next he's all hugs and kisses, treating me like--well--a boyfriend. What's his deal._ "Thought I was just a quick fuck." Tyler might or might not be a _little_ tipsy.

Josh shrugs, and his expression softens for a few moments as he says, "You're alright to be around."

"You're alright to be around too, sometimes."

"'Sometimes.'" Josh raises an eyebrow as he glances over at Tyler before turning a corner.

"Don't act like you don't know that you act like an asshole. Y'know... I have a sneaking suspicion that you're actually just a _huge_ teddy bear."

Josh's face hardens right back up, and he snaps a little bit. "Do you want to go home with me or not?" It makes Tyler laugh, light an airy, before he's leaning across the console to press a gentle kiss to Josh's cheek.

Josh jerks his head away, and gives Tyler a dirty look.

Tyler grins at him with all the sunshine in the world.

Josh feels his gut do a few _flip-flops_ in his abdomen.

***

Typically, Josh is one for self gratification, and he's not really one for giving, even during sex, but he really, _really_ wants to watch Tyler fall apart. He likes the way the boy's prominent Adam's apple bobs as he tries to control his breathing, and he likes the way he bites at his lips until they're red and raw, and how he bites at whatever else is in biting distance of his mouth. He likes the way Tyler's cheeks turn the prettiest ruby red color, and how that ruby red color spreads from his cheeks all the way down to his chest. He likes the way Tyler's mouth drops open and the way his chest heaves whenever he's about to shoot. He likes the way the boy's thighs shake and quiver just from how sensitive he is, and he likes the way Tyler's hand grip at whatever they can until his knuckles, his pretty, tan knuckles, turn white.

Present time, Tyler's hands are balled up in Josh's hair, and his grip is strong enough that Josh will genuinely be surprised if he even has any hair left by the end of the night. He's doing his best to give Tyler the blowjob of his life, sucking and licking at all the right times, drawing the prettiest little noises from him. Josh, also, isn't and idiot, and he knows what he, himself, likes when it comes to blowjobs, so he's _sure_ to pay at least a little extra attention to Tyler's balls.

Josh _does_ have to keep an arm over Tyler's hips, of course, to hold them in place. Tyler has a tendency to try fucking Josh's mouth. it's not intentional, and Josh knows that, but he does, i nfact, have a gag reflex, and he'd prefer to not asphyxiate, or to vomit on Tyler mid-blowjob. (Added, Tyler's dick isn't small by any means.)

Things progress, and Josh waits to pull his mouth of of Tyler's cock until Tyler's just on the edge of coming. Josh swallows the extra saliva in his mouth, and wipes his lips off before waving his hand at his bedside table, meaning for Tyler to grab whichever bottle of lube and whichever condom was nearest. Tyler gets the hint, and obeys the unspoken request.

Josh sits up once he has lube and a condom packet in his hand, and, as usual, he makes sure he has Tyler's explicit consent before he starts getting to work on stretching him open with his fingers. He's noticed that Tyler sort of likes to talk whenever they're in the process of actually preparing to have full on penetrative sex, so he asks, "When do you actually turn eighteen?"

"Next Friday, actually. First of December."

"Yeah? Huh." Josh has two fingers in him right now, not really _doing_ anything with them, other than rubbing. Tyler's squirming a little bit, since it feels _good._ "You should come over. Find an excuse to be gone or something, because I like to make birthday sex a _real_ treat."

When Tyler looks up at Josh, he winks, and Tyler rolls his eyes and grins a little stupidly. "Shut up, you goof. I will look into it, even though I'm just assuming you want an excuse to fuck me."

Josh smiles a coy little smile and shrugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i went over this as best as i could for typos but didnt see any so either i missed a bunch or this chapter has no typos


	4. Chapter 4

_Knock knock knock._

Tyler groans a little bit, and after another set of knocks, he looks over his shoulder to look at Josh and ask, "Do you--ah--do you wanna go get the door, or...?"

Josh shakes his head, and doesn't falter in the slightest when it comes to him and his mission of fucking Tyler into the mattress. "Whoever it is, they'll go away eventually.

Tyler just nods, trusting Josh's judgment, and goes back to biting at one of Josh's pillows. Everything feels so _good_ and he's self conscious about the noises he makes during sex; what can you do, y'know?

When the doorbell rings, Tyler hears Josh let out a long-suffering sigh. Tyler also happens to choose the moment that the door to the apartment opens to let out a bit of a moan, and Josh chooses that moment to _groan,_ and to say, _"Oh my god,"_ in a pissy tone, before muttering, _"Fucking Brendon,"_ under his breath.

"Why the fuck does he have a key?" Tyler grumbles as he shoos Josh away for a moment so he can roll over, and also so he can sort of passive aggressively hand Josh the lube.

Josh gets the hint-- _more lube,_ and, also, _hurry up._ Before Josh gets back to fucking him, though, he answers the question. "He _doesn't_ have a key. He just knows where I keep my spare."

"I wasn't looking for an answer. I couldn't give less of a shit about Brendon, especially while your dick is in my ass. Like, talking about Brendon while we're _fucking_ is the number one way to get me to lose my boner."

Josh rolls his eyes before he's pushing in again, and bending down to kiss Tyler. He, personally, feels bad about cutting this short, because he _really_ wanted to drag this out for at least another hour. It's Tyler's birthday, and he _was_ making it his mission to show him a good time, or at least a fuck of a better time than usual.

It doesn't take them that long to finish, and once he's caught his breath, he gives Tyler a gentle kiss. "I'll be back as soon as I possibly can, alright?" he promises just before getting up to get a pair of briefs from his underwear drawer. "You know where I keep my towels. Feel free to take a shower or a bath if you want," Josh tells him as Tyler's getting up himself and heading towards the bathroom.

"Already a step ahead of you.".

***

Josh finds himself saying, "Jesus, Urie--what the fuck happened?" as soon as he gets a glimpse at Brendon. The man is sitting on Josh's couch, wiping at his eyes and sipping at a bottle of the stupid water that Josh gets in the square bottles.

Brendon nudges a pair of pants, the pair that Tyler was wearing earlier, Josh notices, off of the couch. Josh takes it as a hint to sit next to him, nonchalantly pulling the blanket from the back of the couch to at least sort of cover his junk, since he's only wearing a pair of briefs. Brendon asks if he has someone there with him when he hears the shower turn on, and Josh shrugs, saying, "Tyler's here. It's his birthday. That doesn't matter, though. Why are you, like... crying?"

"I had a shitty day at work, right?" He starts. He leans back, and lets his head fall back, and his eyes close. "I had a shitty day, and I was just--I was _really_ looking forward to coming home and complaining about it to Ryan while he made dinner or something, but when I--when I walked in, he was fucking some other guy." Brendon wipes his hand over his eyes, and Josh feels a little bad for him. Just a little bit, though.

Josh gives him a mock-sympathetic look, since he's pretty sure that's what he's supposed to do in this situation, and leans over to pull his best friend into a bit of a side hug. "I mean this in the nicest way possible, B, but I think you should break up with him."

"I love him, though. I really, _really_ love him."

"And that may be true, but apparently, he doesn't love you as much as you thought he did, especially if he's fucking other guys while you're at work."

"What the fuck am I going to do, though?" Brendon pushes Josh away, gently. "He--he pays for _everything._ He pays the bills, he fucking paid off _my_ debt, and he's the reason I'm not basically homeless right now. I can't just _leave_ him."

"Move back in with Pete, or, if need be, you could stay here for a few months or something until you got back on your feet...?"

"I'm not living with you." Brendon wipes his nose on his hand. "You work best when you live alone, and the last time we lived together, it didn't end very well."

"I mean... we lived together just fine for almost six years, man."

"Yeah, but you got super weird and pissy the last few months we were living together. I dunno." Brendon shrugs. "It's not the right time to talk about that. Can I crash on your couch tonight?"

"Of course." Josh feels as if he's walking on eggshells around Brendon right now, afraid that if he makes even one wrong move, the man will lose it, and, like, do something totally drastic and unnecessary. "I'll grab another blanket and a few pillows for you."

***

Once Brendon is settled on the couch, Josh goes back into his bedroom, and crawls across his bed to straddle Tyler's thighs, and to run his hands up and down the now eighteen year old's back. Tyler jerks awake, and gives Josh a groggy, dirty look, from over his shoulder. "Why are you like this?"

"We didn't get to finish properly."

"We got interrupted, and I'm sleepy."

"I mean... we're alone now?"

"I know Brendon's still here. I don't wanna fuck with him here, and I don't think I have another round in me anyways. I _will_ make a deal with you, though." Tyler rolls over, and Josh moves to where he's sitting next to him. "How about, in the morning, after he leaves, and before I walk to the diner to get something to eat, we finish what we started."

"Mm... I don't know if I'll be up for it," Josh teases as he's crawling under the blankets, subconsciously scooting towards Tyler.

"Oh, _c'mon."_ Tyler's eyes aren't open anymore, since he's rolled onto his side, probably to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep, but Josh knows he's rolling his eyes. "You're _always_ up for it. Like, it honestly shocks me as to how you're constantly up to having sex."

Josh answers him in a dry and slightly sarcastic tone, even though, in no way, is he _truly_ being sarcastic. "I use sex as a coping mechanism to deal with all of the shitty things that've happened to me in my life." He shrugs, and scoots over until he's spooning Tyler, and presses a kiss to the back of his neck.

***

Tyler wakes up to the apartment door slamming shut, and figures that Brendon must've left. He rolls over, or at least tries to, but he realizes that Josh is pretty much clinging to him, preventing him from moving. Tyler thinks that, in the long run, it'd be best not to tease Josh about this.

Once he wakes up a little more, and once he manages to turn over in Josh's grip without waking him, he decides he's going to wake him up by kissing his face, over and over. Josh sighs eventually, and opens one eye at some point, asking, "What are you doing?"

"Trying to wake you up without being mean...?"

Josh lets out a noncommittal grunt and closes his eyes again, making no effort whatsoever to release Tyler from the embrace, or to even get up. In fact, he scoots closer, getting more comfortable. Tyler wraps one arm around his torso, and presses a gentle kiss to his lips. "Josh, I'm serious about waking you up."

"What time is it?"

Tyler has to pretty much press his body against Josh's so he can squint his eyes to try and see the clock on the side table on the other side of the bed. "A little after eight. Brendon slammed the door on his way out and woke me up. I'm surprised you didn't hear."

"I'm a heavy sleeper, I guess." He shrugs as best as he can, and yawns.

"Dude, c'mon." Tyler whines a little bit, and slots one of his legs between Josh's. He can feel Josh's morning wood, and prays that this could possibly be a way of indirectly bribing the man into waking up fully.

"I'm tired, Tyler."

"And I'm _hard."_

"Hello, hard--"

"Josh, you shut up right now, or I am getting my clothes and leaving without having sex with you, I swear to god."

At _that,_ Josh opens his eyes, and gives Tyler a _look._ He squints as he says, "You _wouldn't."_

"You wanna test me?"

"...Not really, no."

Tyler grins and kisses him again. Josh actually reciprocates this time, and Tyler pulls away for just a second to say, "Good." After that, Josh is taking control of the situation, and eventually ends up with Tyler straddling his hips as they make out.

When Tyler goes to slide a hand into Josh's underwear, he gets stopped, and Josh tells him to be patient. Tyler whines, and Josh pinches his ass, which earns him a gentle whack to the chest, and a muttered. "Ow, you asshole."

Josh sticks his tongue out at him, and pulls him back down into another kiss. Between kisses, Tyler asks him how long they're going to spend making out before they get this show on the road.

"Quit being impatient."

"Josh, seriously. I've been hard for the better part of an hour now. I think I reserve the right to be impatient. Do you know how close I am to just jerking off in the bathroom?"

"Mm... Sounds hot," Josh drawls out.

Tyler gives him a pointed look before getting up. Josh rolls his eyes, and manages to grab Tyler by the wrist before he's too far away from the bed. "Sweetheart, c'mon, I was kidding. Get back here. I _promise_ that I will fuck you the way you deserve to be fucked."

Tyler makes a noise at the pet name, and turns to give Josh an incredulous look. The look on Josh's face... _Does he not realize what he just called me? Holy shit._ Tyler's careful with what he says and how he says it. "Ever the romantic, Joshua Dun." _Smooth. Nailed it._

Josh wiggles his eyebrows, and flashes Tyler one of his award winning and dangerously seductive looks as he's tugging him back towards the bed. As Tyler's crawling onto his hips again, he asks, "How, exactly, do I deserve to be fucked?"

"Why don't I just show you?" Josh sits up after asking this, and holds onto Tyler so he doesn't fall backwards.

Tyler readjusts his position a little bit, and realizes that like this, the size difference between him and Josh is way more obvious. (It's slowly getting smaller--he's grown about an inch and a half since he met him, but Josh still stands six inches taller than he does.) He bites the inside of his cheek for a second before admitting, "I'd kind of like to know what I'm getting myself into."

Josh is receptive to his vulnerability. Though, by now, that's not really a huge shock. He's gotten sort of alright at reading Tyler, at least at specific moments. "We don't have to do anything that you don't want to."

"I mean, _I want to,_ but I'm just not in the mood for anything super intense, at least not at this specific moment. Like... don't fuck me within an inch of my life, I guess. Not that that's not enjoyable, but... I dunno. Can we just, like... take it slow?" Tyler isn't making eye contact with him anymore, opting to instead rub his thumb over the darker and more noticeable freckles on Josh's chest.

"It's your birthday sex, man. My sexual prowess is basically at your disposal right now. Within reason, of course."

Tyler looks up at him now, and cocks a brow. "Within reason?"

"I think there's only a handful of things I wont do, but anything involving piss, shit, or vomit pretty much covers the whole kit and caboodle."

"Yeah, don't worry, then. I'm, uh, pretty tame when it comes down to it, I think. I don't know what my boundaries are, but I do know I'm not, like, some kinky avenger. I like to get fucked, but... Sometimes I like to feel like I'm, y'know, respected."

"I respect and care about you more than you think I do." Josh reaches a hand up to run it through Tyler's messy bed hair. "I know I act like an asshole, but I do actually think you're alright to be around. It's... refreshing to be around an optimistic eighteen year old rather than a bunch of pessimistic thirty-something year olds."

Tyler smiles a little bit, and leans forward to kiss him, just once, nice and sweet.

"How about we just take our sweet time instead of rushing it? I'll take care of you; I promise."

Tyler nods, and they start kissing each other again, this time with less talking.

Josh runs his hands all over Tyler's body, squeezing all the right places, effectively getting him _worked up,_ making him feel as if his body were on fire. He doesn't pay any attention to Tyler's cock, though, under Tyler's rolling his hips, and whining a little bit. He's close to begging. Even Josh can tell that.

Josh rubs his thumb over the head of Tyler' cock through his briefs, and bites his lip, because, _jeez,_ he's so _hard._ He tugs at the underwear until Tyler gets the hint to take them off. Josh doesn't let him back into his lap, though. He tells him to stay put as he's scooting down the bed and rolling onto his stomach. Tyler mutters something about _fuck yeah_ and how much he loves getting sucked off when Josh is taking the head of his cock into his mouth. He takes his time, and doesn't rush this blowjob. He teases Tyler, always stopping or slowing down right as he's about to come.

Josh nudges Tyler in the way that he does when he wants him to roll over onto his stomach, and as Tyler's doing so, he says, "I thought you said we were taking it slow."

Josh rolls his eyes even though Tyler cant see him. "We are. I mean, still hand me lube and a condom, if you could, but, _trust me,_ I'm not fucking you quite yet."

Tyler grunts as he's reaching for the requested items. He doesn't quite get what Josh is doing under there's hands on either side of his ass, spreading his cheeks apart, and until there's a _tongue_ licking over his hole, and, _oh,_ that's what he's doing. Tyler's a little skeptical at first, not getting how this is supposed to be a turn on, but he still finds himself squirming and moaning underneath Josh.

Josh takes way more time than he usually does working Tyler open with his fingers, and Tyler gets why within a few minutes. He's slowly fucking two fingers in and out of him, taking the time here and there to rub _directly_ at his prostate.

Tyler wouldn't tell anyone else this, but, when Josh whispers, _"I'm going to ruin you,"_ into his ear as he's starting to fuck him, he moans like a whore.

***

"I don't know how that turned into six hours of fucking over and over." It's barely two in the afternoon at this point, and Tyler's _really_ fucking exhausted, basically curled up and tucked nice and neat into Josh's side.

"Was it bad?" Tyler can picture the face Josh is making.

He shakes his head. "No. God no. I'm just, like... _very_ fucked out right now."

Josh runs his hand through Tyler's hair. "We should probably take a shower or a bath or something. We're, ah, sort of covered in spunk."

Tyler's _very_ reluctant to get up right now, especially since Josh is so warm, and since, for once in his goddamn life, he's acting at least a _little_ cuddly, so he just says, "Only if you carry me."

And, of course, he's not actually expecting Josh to fucking _carry_ him, but he does.

***

They don't go and get anything to eat until around five. Tyler and Josh are sitting at the counter in the diner, next to each other, chatting quietly and exchanging a few fond looks here and there. Pete immediately notices that something's up, that something about their dynamic has changed, meaning that it takes less than a minute for him to have his hands on the counter, asking, "What happened between the two of you?"

Josh shrugs, and doesn't say anything, whereas Tyler mouths, "Later," when Josh isn't looking.

***

Josh takes Tyler home around noon on Sunday. Tyler barely has enough time to kick his shoes off by the door before his parents are all over him.

"Where the _hell_ have you been?" His mother starts, voice shrill and piercing and enough to make Tyler cringe.

He lies through his teeth, though, nice and smooth and the image of a golden child. "I went to Ashley's house."

"Really?" His mother puts her hands on her hips, and gives him a stern look. "That's funny, because I actually called her parents, and they said that they hadn't seen you since _September_."

 _Fuck._ "Well, that didn't exactly turn out as well as I had hoped," Tyler mutters, mostly to himself. "I was at a different friend's house, alright? It's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?" She raises her voice a little bit. "Your father and I were worried _sick_ about you!" One of her arms flies out, gesturing in the direction of his parents' room, which is where Tyler guesses his father is at. He really wishes she'd just, like... not. "Do you know how bad this looks to your brother?!" _Oh my god. Leave him out of this._ "You--you're being a _terrible_ role model!"

"I'm sorry," he tries, meekly. He's avoiding eye contact right now, taking to just setting his overnight bag on the ground. Of course, though, she's not having any of the 'I'm sorry' business that Tyler's currently in.

"You're _sorry?_ Sorry? Who were you even _with,_ anyways?"

"His name is Josh. We were just hanging out and we lost track of time, alright? It happens. I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself."

"Tyler, you're still a _kid." Ah, yes, now she's correcting me. Great._

"Well, _legally,_ I'm an adult, and I am sick and _fucking_ tired of you and Father treating me like I'm some incompetent brat!" He finally snaps. Based on past experience, he knows that snapping, typically, isn't the best choice to make when arguing with his mother, but he cant help it. He's getting more and more pissed off as time passes.

She barks out a quick, dry, mocking laugh. "An _adult?_ Do you have a job? Do you pay taxes? Do you drink? Do you smoke? Do you have a _family_ to take care of?"

"Uh, _well,_ I'm working on it, not yet, yes, yes, and I don't want children or to get married in general at this particular moment, plus it's not my responsibility to take care of you, Father, and my little brother. Those are my answers, respectively."

She's quiet for a few minutes, but eventually, she slowly says, "You _drink_ and you _smoke?"_

"What's the big fucking deal? It's not like I go out and get fucked up every single fucking night."

"How--how do you even _get_ alcohol? Or cigarettes?" She looks like she's losing her fucking mind and Tyler really wants to laugh. _Like mother like son._

"Well... You're not very good at remembering to lock the liquor cabinet, and I have both of-age friends, plus a fake ID."

At this point, she tries grounding him, and Tyler's the one who isn't putting up with her shit.

He actually laughs at her now. "You can't fucking _ground_ me."

"You want to bet?"

"Yes, actually, I do. If you ground me, I'm just going to find more ways to sneak out. You act like I live by the _grace_ of you, but I _don't."_

She starts screaming at him, Tyler screams and yells back, Tyler gets slapped, Tyler shoves her and chews her out, crying while he does it, and then she's kicking him out. Whether or not it's for the night or for good, he's not sure.

***

Tyler uses the last of his money on a bus ride from his neighborhood back to where he'd come from. He stands outside of a gas station, next to an ash tray, smoking a cigarette to calm his nerves as he's typing Josh's number into his phone from memory. He's jiggling his legs a little bit and trying not to start crying again as he listens to his phone ring, praying that Josh isn't already busy, and that he isn't mad at Tyler for calling him so soon. The phone rings five times before Josh is picking up, asking, _"Did you forget something?"_ He sounds bored and unamused, but not annoyed, thankfully.

Tyler's still sort of panicking so he speaks a little too fast and a little too shakily while he tries explaining. "Um. No. I, uh... Got into it with my mom and she kicked me out for the night. I was--I was sort of hoping I could sleep on your couch, or that you could give me Pete's number so I could hit him up or something." Pete's the only other adult that Tyler knows and trusts.

_"Just come back over. That'd be easiest."_

"I've already spent two nights, though."

Tyler hears Josh sigh, even if it's quiet and barely there. _"It's alright. Where are you?"_

"At the gas station on the west end of Independence. Close enough to walk, I guess."

_"Are you sure? I can come get you if you need me to."_

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

_"Alright. Be safe."_

"Thanks, Josh."

_"No problem."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good evening gents  
> like last chapter -- tried my best to get any typos but no promises lol


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its monday somewhere  
> im watching brendons instagram live and hes cute  
> also kodaline's high hopes is the only valid high hopes

Tyler's still on the verge of crying, and he's shivering a _lot_ since it's December in Ohio and since he's only wearing a thin jacket. He takes a deep breath and knocks on Josh's door exactly three times.

It opens within a minute, and Tyler sees the way Josh grimaces. He figures that he looks like a mess. Josh tells him to go sit in the living room while he's getting a bottle of water for him. Tyler listens to him, and he actually lets himself start crying a little bit when Josh is draping the blanket from the back of the couch over his shoulders, before handing him a bottle of water and half of a Xanax.

"It's a Xanax. Check the imprint on the internet later if you want."

"Prescription, or did you buy it from someone?" Tyler asks as he rolls the pill around between two of his fingers.

"Prescription. As much as I love Xanax, I don't trust my dealer enough to buy it from him."

"How much is this?" Tyler's going to take it anyways, but he figures he should ask, just in case.

"Two milligrams."

He nods before he pops the half pill into his mouth, and washes it down with a few fairly hearty swigs of the bottle of water he'd been given. Tyler's in the middle of screwing the lid back onto the bottle when he feels lips on the back of his neck. Josh has a habit of kissing his neck whenever he's angling for something sexual. Tyler leans away from him and says, "I'm not in the mood."

Josh makes a noise, and Tyler doesn't see him do it, but he frowns out of concern. "Sorry."

Tyler... shrugs. "It's fine. I just... I dunno. No sex right now."

"I'm not--I'm not good at these things."

"You don't have to do anything," Tyler states. "You've already done more than I expected you to do anyways." At this point, he remembers that he should probably take his shoes off, as to not get anymore dirt than absolutely necessary on Josh's carpet. (Josh is a little bit of a clean freak, Tyler's noticed.)

"I'm better with actions than I am with words," he comments as he walks around his couch, sitting on the end opposite of Tyler. "Uh... Pete's shift starts in a few hours if you want to hang out or something until then. Or... you could just spend the night again. It's up to you."

Tyler shakes his head and wipes his eyes off. "No. I don't want to spend the night."

Josh frowns again, this time out of confusion. "Why not? Did I do something?"

"You didn't do anything. It's just that I've already been here since Friday, and you always get pissy with me whenever I overstay my welcome, and I hate when you're pissy with me because you get mean and it confuses me because I already don't know where the fuck I stand with you half the time anyways."

Josh is quiet, a little too quiet, for a few minutes after Tyler says that. When he does speak, it's very carefully, and Tyler can tell he's trying his best to choose his words wisely. "Oh. I mean... you're not wrong, but I'm sort of saying that I'd--I'd honestly feel a lot better if you spent another night here. You don't look like you're doing too hot, and at least if you're here, you're safe. I didn't--I didn't really have a safe place when I was your age, like... A _completely_ safe space, and, I mean, look at how fucked up I am. I know I'm an asshole and all but if you ever need somewhere safe to go, my apartment's open to you."

Tyler looks over at Josh and makes eye contact with him for the second time since arriving. "What would warrant me coming over for something like that?"

"I dunno. Say you were to have a bad trip or something. Like, maybe you experiment with something and it doesn't go well. You could come here and sleep it off, or if I thought it was necessary, I'd take you to an emergency room. Or call 911. Just depends on how sober I am. It's--it's better than something happening. I mean, at the very least, you get this shitty imported couch."

 _It's like he's asking me to be his boyfriend. Jesus._ Tyler turns around a bit, and folds one of his legs under himself, wrapping the blanket tighter around his body, but leaving his arms (mostly) free. He reaches over, and places his hand over Josh's. He squeezes it, and he isn't surprised when Josh doesn't reciprocate. "That means a lot to me, that you'd say that." He rubs his thumb across Josh's knuckles before removing his hand. "Can I ask what your parents did when you told them you're gay...?" Tyler asks that in a quiet and, quite frankly, scared tone.

"I haven't told them." Josh answers honestly. "Not only are they both massive homophobes, it's also none of their business in the first place, and I haven't spoken to either of them in over a year anyways."

"Oh. I was, um, hoping I could ask for advice or something."

"Dude, I'm almost thirty. I can still give you advice."

"In that case... I think my mom might know, and if she does, then I'm fucked."

"How about your dad?"

"He's about as dumb as a sack of bricks when it comes to certain stuff, but if he knew, I don't think he'd really care all that much. I don't think he'd go and join PFLAG or anything, but I also don't think he'd beat the shit out of me or kick me out or something either."

"Are they religious at all?"

"Mom is. Dad's... He kind of is, but he mostly goes to church because Mom goes. Pop's a follower of Islam and Nan's not overly religious, so I'm sure that really takes the charm out of the SDA church for him."

Josh nods, and adjusts his own position after reaching into a laundry basket of clothes that's sat in front of the side table so he can put on a t-shirt. Once his shirt's on, he responds. "This is mostly just to satiate my own curiosity, but are you religious? Can I ask that?"

"I wouldn't... consider myself religious, I guess, but I do maintain some sort of spirituality. My beliefs and morals are more... modern, and less 'death to anyone who isn't straight or white.' How about you?" Tyler's genuinely curious about this. He can't imagine that Josh is overly religious.

"I'm an agnostic atheist, if anything. Don't particularly believe in anything, but I don't think that it's entirely impossible that there's some sort of higher power out there. Whoever it is, though, they're an asshole."

Tyler rolls his eyes and smiles a bit. "You're not the kind of asshole who's going to call me an idiot for not being an atheist, are you?"

"Not at all. Anyways... do you want my advice?"

"I'd appreciate it, yeah."

"For starters, I think you need to start focusing more on school and maintaining your grades and less on coming to this part of town to fuck your brains out on a weekly basis."

"I have a 4.0, and have maintained that since sixth grade, plus I got almost perfect scores on my SATs. I could literally go to any college I wanted to, especially since I have a bunch of extracurriculars under my belt. I, personally, think I deserve a little bit of a reward for that, so that's why I sneak out."

"No shit?"

"No shit."

"Do you have any schools in mind?"

"I'm the resident art fag of my school, so, predictably, I've been applying to art schools. My parents will _both_ have a big enough fit over that, but I just don't want to be another stiff that looks like he has a poker up his ass. It just isn't me."

"Look, as someone with a degree in communications, I applaud you. Shit's boring as fuck."

"Exactly. My mom's a doctor, and my dad has his own business, so I guess they expect me to live up to their bullshit standards. Ugh. Honestly, I want to just tell them I'm gay and get it over with. What's your opinion on that?"

"I wouldn't say anything _ever,_ but you're not me. I'd say wait until you've moved out and can support yourself before saying anything, because, that way, if things get hairy, you won't have to deal with it."

"I want them to know, though. I hate having to hide such a huge part of myself. Like, I spent the first sixteen and a half years of my life being piss in my pants afraid of being gay, but once I actually gave in and let myself _have_ things, I just... I love it. I love being myself, and I hate that I have to hide it." The look on Tyler's face is a mix between desperate and dejected.

"Again, don't say anything right now. Wait until it's safe to do so."

Tyler sighs, and hunches over a little bit, hands clasped in his lap. He stays like this, mentally repeating a prayer to himself, for a few minutes until a realization hits him. "Oh, _fuck,_ what if my mom meant for good when she told me to get out? Fuck."

"She probably just meant for the night, Tyler. Stay here for the night, because, like I said, you're safe here, and before I go to work in the morning I'll drive you home. We don't even have to do anything, either. We can totally just... hang out and order takeout or something."

“Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?” Tyler sounds genuinely confused, and, honestly, he is. “Like... what's your deal?”

Josh shrugs, and runs his fingernail across the back of his right hand, itching it. “I remember being a scared eighteen year old, so I can sympathize, I guess.”

“I meant more than just today. Yesterday, and Friday—while we were... y'know, going at it, you were being all nice and chill and sweet enough to literally give me cavities, and you haven't even snapped at me in almost a month. Again--what's your deal?”

“I don't know. Do you _want_ me to be mean to you?” Josh sounds a touch offended.

“Not really,” Tyler admits, gaze dropping from Josh's face to his own hands. “I wish you were like this all the time.”

And, now, Josh actually snaps a little bit, tone sharp. “Well, I'm _not,_ so don't get used to it.”

Tyler can feel himself tearing up again. He looks up at Josh, again, looking all pitiful and pathetic and basically begs him, “Please don't start. I wasn't trying to pick a fight. Please.” Tyler's least favorite thing is, without a doubt, upsetting Josh.

“You know what? No.” Josh stands up, and backs away from his couch about five feet. “Why do you just _assume_ things about me? Where the _fuck_ do you get off thinking I'm always such an _asshole?_ Why is it so unfathomable to you for me to be _kind_ once in a fucking while? I don't _enjoy_ acting like an asshole, Tyler!”

Tyler yells right back at him. “Then _why?_ Why the _fuck_ do you _always_ act like such a goddamn piece of _shit_ when we _both_ know full well that you _aren't?!”_

Josh's eyes dart around his living room for a moment, and his answer isn't the answer Tyler was expecting from him. “Because—I've dug myself into a fucking hole, and if I just suddenly started acting like a normal person out of nowhere, no one would let me hear the end of it!” His voice is losing volume and Tyler feels as if he's cornered him.

“Then get new friends, Josh!” Tyler doesn't yell this, but his voice is still raised a little bit. “Talk to different people!”

“I don't _have_ friends. I have you, and I have Brendon, but Brendon hardly even fucking speaks to me anymore, and it's not like anyone I regularly talk to actually _enjoys_ being around me anyways, because they all just think I'm going to fuck them over.”

“If I'm one of the two people in your life, then _why_ do you treat me like shit? Why? I don't—I don't _get it.”_

“I don't _know_ , alright?!” Josh screams this, tone frustrated, and he's even tearing up a little bit because he really wasn't expecting to open up to Tyler like this out of nowhere. “There's just—there's just _something_ wrong with me and I--I'm _afraid._ I'm afraid that you're going to leave me the second things aren't sunshine and happiness, or that you're going to leave the second I quit being some bad ass and start being an emotional baby. You're the only person in my life that I _trust_ and I don't--I don't want to lose that."

Tyler scrubs his hands down his face after rolling his eyes into the back of his head. "What the _fuck_ ever. _Obviously_ you don't trust me if you think I'm going to just up and disappear the second things aren't fucking Candyland anymore. Christ, Josh--if I wanted you out of my life, you'd be gone by now. You've given me _plenty_ of other reasons to toss you away like you were nothing, but I'm still here, aren't I? Why the _fuck_ would you be pushing me away like that if you were so _worried?"_

Just as the first tear is falling from Josh's eyes, he's very quietly admitting, "I have a lot of baggage." He's looking anywhere _but_ Tyler's face.

"I can _deal._ I'm not a little kid. Also, you're not the only one with baggage."

Josh wipes both of his eyes, and looks down at his feet. If he weren't six two and if he wasn't twenty nine, Tyler would say that he looks kind of like a child right now. Not in a bad way, but it's more like he looks exhausted and frustrated in the way kids get whenever they have a bad day.

Tyler manages to get his attention, and motions him over. Josh hesitates for about a minute before slowly walking over to where Tyler's sitting, and dropping down to sit on the floor in front of him. He rests his arms and the top of his head on Tyler's lap, and Tyler just gently places a hand on top of his head, playing with his hair.

"Everyone else in my life has left me, so I don't see why you wouldn't."

"It's because I care about you, Josh. I'm not saying I want to settle down and marry you or anything weird like that, but you're not impossible to love, y'know. You really aren't."

"You're just saying that." His tone and his words both sound as if he doesn't believe Tyler. "Every time someone decides to stick around for more than a few nights, it's always something _._ Sex, money, whatever. It's always _something_."

"You need to pull your head out of your ass," Tyler mutters. "Look at me, and I mean _at me."_ Josh picks his head up, and Tyler holds his chin in his hand, holding his head there and forcing him to make eye contact. "When I first met you, I only liked you because you were good at fucking me, and also since you're, quite possibly, the most gorgeous creature on this planet. Contrary to popular belief, you're _actually_ capable of being a decent person, and you've shown me that on more than a few occasions. You're more than capable of being nice, because, I mean--you've treated me like a prince for the past few days, and sometimes you do these cute, sweet little things, and I just... You really, _really_ need to drop your stupid fucking, "I am a rock, I am a mountain," attitude and grow up, because it's pathetic."

For the most part, Josh just looks exasperated before he finally snaps and lets go, crying, because, hey, he's upset, he's overwhelmed--he's frustrated. Tyler bends down, and gives him the best hug that he can manage, mumbling, "You're alright; I've got you," and variations of it into the side of his neck.

***

Josh lets Tyler spoon him. Typically, on the rare occasions that he cuddles with someone, he prefers being a big spoon, but for once, he's the one feeling vulnerable, so, sheepishly, he'd asked Tyler if he'd spoon him. Tyler's nice about it, of course. He didn't make fun of him or anything mean like that, thankfully. Josh is finally calm and not losing his mind by the time he's able to say, "I haven't cried like that in a few years." He keeps his voice low; almost too low for Tyler to hear him.

"I cry all the time," Tyler mumbles back to him. "Usually not in front of you, though."

Josh nods, acknowledging him, and the two of them fall silent for ten minutes or so. Tyler's almost asleep by the time Josh is blindsiding him with what he says next. "I'm... I'm skittish with commitment, and I--I'll never be able to be monogamous or anything, but... Do you want to like..." Josh sighs, and moves the arm of his that's not under his pillow to make a vague _I'm trying to think_ sort of gesture with his hand. "I can't explain it properly. I think we're friends, or, well, I kinda hope we are, but can we..."

Josh is starting to hyperventilate again and the hand he's using to gesture with while he talks is shaking a little bit. He's nervous. Tyler never thought he'd live to see the day that the man lying in front of him would be _nervous._ "Make it a little more serious, except without the labels?"

"In a nutshell, yeah."

"Do you want to ask me that in a few days...? You're emotional right now, and I'm afraid you aren't going to mean it later."

"I'm afraid that if I don't ask now, then I never will. I mean it with every fiber of my being, trust me. And I--I do like you, I really do, even if I say and act like I don't. Plus... without labels, you're basically free to come and go as you please, as am I. I just--I don't want you to expect a whole lot out of me."

"I'm not stupid, Josh. I know you fuck around with other guys. I mean, shit, so do I. Open relationships aren't exactly new."

"The, uh... The age difference thing. That too. It's... it's a little extreme, and if you feel pressured, you _need_ to tell me."

Tyler nods, and kisses Josh on the shoulder. "I will, don't worry. I always tell you when I'm not comfortable anyways. This isn't really any different. Though... is this something we're keeping to ourselves?"

"I'd... prefer that, yeah. I'm not--I'm uh... I'm a pretty private person. You can tell that one friend of yours if you want, but she's it. I might tell Brendon if he talks to me, but probably not."

"Alright then. That... sounds good to me. It's not too complicated. Am I allowed to ask you for reassurance once in awhile, though?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

***

The two of them fall asleep, and wake up some time around ten. They're both a little miffed, because Tyler has school in the morning and Josh has work in the morning as well. Tyler's the one who wakes up first, and he nudges Josh awake since he's hungry. Josh groans and tells him that he better have a good reason for waking him up.

"I'm hungry," Tyler whines into his ear as he holds the man closer to himself. "You should buy me food."

"I have a fridge."

"All that's in there is a bottle of scotch, a half empty bottle of vodka, soggy salad that's been in there since September, and stale poppers. Can you, at the least, give me enough money to go get something from the diner...?"

Josh stretches a tiny bit, reminding Tyler of a cat, and drags himself into a sitting position with a yawn. "I'll go with you. I need to eat anyways. Can I have a bit to, like, wake up, and to collect myself before we go?"

"Of course. Also, can I borrow a shirt and a jacket? I've been wearing the same outfit since Friday, and my shirt is kind of dirty."

Josh nods, and swings his legs over the edge of his bed. After a few moments of sitting there, blinking and yawning, he stands up, and saunters over to his closet. He tosses a t-shirt and a plain black jacket in the direction of his bed. As Josh is walking past his bed to go take a shower in the master bathroom, Tyler manages to grab his wrist, and to tug him down into a quick kiss. Josh smiles ever so slightly, and Tyler beams at him.

***

They share a seat at a booth in the diner, and Tyler thanks the lord that he's left handed, since Josh is holding his right hand under the table with his own left hand. Tyler's blushing a little bit, and he's avoiding eye contact with Josh, because, hey, he's flustered.

Josh leans over to press a gentle kiss to Tyler's temple, and to quietly ask, "What do you want to eat?"

"Can I have breakfast?"

"It's eleven, and knowing this place, you're going to end up with reheated eggs from this morning or something."

Tyler makes a bit of a face, because Josh has a point. "How about a cheeseburger? Those are always a safe bet."

"That sounds better. I was thinking about going for one myself. How about a drink?"

"Grape Fanta."

Josh waves Pete over after that, and relays their order to him. Pete sees that they're holding hands, and only raises his eyebrows a bit in response, otherwise not acknowledging it. Josh doesn't catch the look on his face, surprisingly.

Once Pete's walked away, Tyler asks Josh if he's paying.

“I always do.”

“Good. Um. Also… can I maybe borrow fifty bucks?”

Josh scoffs. “That’s a lot to borrow.”

“I know, but I don’t know how my mom is going to be once I go home, so I might not get any money to spend this month. She was being kind of a cunt about it.”

“Fair enough.” Josh pulls his wallet out, and pulls out all of the cash he has. He counts out fifty dollars, and hands it to Tyler after saying, “You’re paying me back.”

“I will. I promise. Thank you so much.”

Josh nods a little bit and sneaks in a quick peck on the lips that left Tyler smiling sort of like a dumb ass. Tyler’s about to kiss him again when, of all people, Patrick is the one sliding into the seat across from them at their booth. He smells like weed and booze and his hair is a mess, so Tyler figures he was… busy.

Pete doesn’t bother walking across the diner to take Patrick’s order. Instead, he just asks, “You want your usual, right?”

“Water instead of OJ this time, though.”

“Gotcha.”

“What’s… up?” Tyler quirks his eyebrow at the man sitting in front of him.

“Getting some protein in me so I’m not completely miserable when I wake up tomorrow,” he mumbles. “You know who I fucking hate? My boss. I hate my boss.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“Well, it was my turn to lock up the office today, which isn’t a big deal because all I have to do is make sure all of the computers are off and to make sure all of the offices are locked. I forgot to turn off _one_ of the computers, and my boss tore into me over it. He literally even threatened to dock my pay a little bit, like, what the fuck, you know?”

Tyler says, “That sounds like a crock of shit,” at the same time Josh says, “Get a different job, then.”

“Tyler, you’re right, and Josh, I’ve been trying.”

***

Brendon pops in a little after Patrick leaves to go home, and just before Tyler and Josh are done with their own meals. Josh watches his best friend, and watches as the man’s face falters a little bit, and watches as he frowns before plopping down at a booth on the opposite side of the restaurant. Josh figures out what his deal is when he sees Ryan walking into the diner behind him.

Tyler leans over to whisper, “What’s with them?”

“Don’t know, and I don’t care.”

“I don’t know why they can’t just sit with us. We’re almost done anyways, and there’s an entire empty seat right in front of us.”

“Brendon hasn’t said anything to be since yesterday morning, and usually we at least text each other a few times a day.”

“Odd.” Tyler bites the inside of his cheeks and frowns slightly. He rubs his thumb over where it rests on Josh’s, and he gets his hand squeezed in response before Josh replies verbally.

“It’s probably Ryan. He doesn’t like me, at all, and I know he’s jealous because of Urie. Wouldn’t be surprised if Ryan said something.”

“If he did say something, then that’s really uncool. I mean, Brendon’s your best friend. It isn’t his place to say anything.”

“We’ve been drifting anyways, at least since Ryan entered the picture.”

Tyler shrugs and picks at his side of fries. “It happens, I guess. I’m sorry, man.”

“It’s fine.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so pride is on friday where i live and i dont know if i'll have access to my laptop on friday so im gonna post two chapters today! merry christmas :^)

Josh and Tyler see each other again a few weeks after the whole thing with Josh spilling his guts and basically asking Tyler to be his boyfriend. Either of them are at Atlantis, but once Tyler notices that Josh is dancing with another guy, he's winking at him, then flashing his fake ID to the bartender as he orders a strawberry daiquiri.

Some John Doe comes up to Tyler, flirting with him, and Tyler's a little flattered and he's half tempted to let the guy continue to hit on him, and he's half tempted to slip away with him to fuck, but he turns his head for less than half a minute, and by the time he's looking back towards the guy, he sees Josh basically marching over in his peripheral.

Josh kind of reminds Tyler of a cat, especially now. If he were a cat, he would definitely be puffing his fur up, ready to brawl. He's smooth about putting himself between Tyler and the guy, and he's smooth about shooing the guy off with a simple, "Beat it."

Tyler huffs and rolls his eyes, and he's just about to take a sip of the drink he ordered, but Josh is taking it from him and ordering another one, as well as telling the bartender to dump the one Tyler had originally ordered, a glare settling on his face.

"Okay, what the fuck is your issue?" Tyler asks, voice raised loud enough to where he can be heard over the sound of the thumping music.

"That guy put something in it," He explains. "Word of advice: don't take your eyes off your drink, at least not in here."

"Seriously? That's lame. Ugh." Tyler makes a face, and slouches a little bit, pouting.

Josh rolls his eyes a little bit, mutters something about rohypnol being salty, pecks Tyler on the cheek, and tells him to be careful before he's slipping back into the crowd with another muttered comment of seeing a hot piece of tail.

Tyler goes between watching Josh and scanning the crowd for a trick of his own. He only watches Josh because, like... Josh is hot, and Tyler finds watching Josh get sexual with someone else hot for whatever reason. Tyler doesn't get to watch Josh for long, though, because he spots a super fuckable guy, and knocks back the rest of his drink before deciding to go and try hitting on him. This guy, whoever he is, he's sort of cute in this homely way. He has dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, and his skin is a dreamy olive color. He has a prominent jawline, toned arms, and although he's a little handsy, grabbing at Tyler's ass almost right off the bat, Tyler's sort of excited.

Though, he does hate some of the guys he hits on, aside from Josh. Josh is at least respectful of Tyler and doesn't treat him like a common whore. (Roleplay and dirty talk is a whooole other story, though.) Sure, Tyler would say that it's not too far fetched to consider himself a slut, but he doesn't think that means he deserves to not be treated like royalty, and that doesn't mean he's not miffed or put off in the slightest as he's being led towards the backroom in Atlantis after a very brief period of getting groped by John Doe number two.

Tyler thinks to himself, _"Why am I even doing this?"_ as he's dropping to his knees, and unbuckling the guy's belt. He cringes a little bit once he gets an eyeful of this guy's dick. It's not much, honestly. it's average as far as size goes, definitely nothing to write home about, and, apparently, this guy didn't even have the common decency to at least trim his pubes.

Tyler asks him if he's clean, since he doesn't want to risk getting, like, gonnaherpesyphilis, and once he's assured that the man in front of him is clean, he... gets to it, praying that he wasn't lied to. Tyler's a little cocky about his dick sucking skills (so to speak) and he isn't surprised when there's hands in his hair, and when this guy starts basically trembling from being so turned on.

Tyler takes his time, going slow, teasing, but he finds that he has to let his jaw relax, since the guy starts bucking his hips, effectively fucking Tyler's mouth. Despite that fact that Tyler's used to deepthroating, especially given he deepthroats Josh's monster cock on an almost weekly basis, sometimes twice weekly, he's usually pretty good about being able to, y'know, deep throat, but he still has a gag reflex, and he still enjoys a little warning.

He lets the guy have at it, making a vow to stop it only if he's especially uncomfortable, and he lets himself think about how, out of all the dicks he's sucked (which isn't really that many), he definitely prefers going down on Josh the most. Of course, the fact that the two of them have an emotional connection, and that either of them know each other's boundaries, definitely influences Tyler's opinion. Also, Josh at least _trims_ his pubes, and they don't get stuck in Tyler's teeth, and, alright, Tyler basically worships Josh's cock. It's literally the kind of cock you'd definitely write home about.

Tyler's dragged out of his thoughts when the guy is pulling out, and he only has a few seconds to squeeze his eyes shut as the guy is shooting his load onto Tyler's face. Tyler wipes his face off with his hand, and wipes his hand on the wall.

In exchange for a blowjob that Tyler considers pretty fucking great, he gets a sloppy and absolutely terrible handjob that leaves him disgusted and disappointed. He knows he looks annoyed as he's walking out of the backroom, because before Josh is disappearing into one of the bathrooms, he's mouthing, "You okay?" to Tyler, who just nods and waves his hand dismissively, because he's fine.

***

Tyler estimates that it's roughly three in the morning by the time he reaches the diner. (Well, actually, he knows it is, because he can read a clock, and since he has a cell phone.) Pete's working the graveyard shift as usual, and Tyler grunts in response to the, "Hey," he gets from the man as he's sitting at the counter. He orders a glass of ice water and a bowl of soup.

After Pete's hung the ticket up, and once he's back at the counter, wiping it down, he asks, "What's with the soup? If memory serves me correctly, you usually tend to order a hamburger and Grape Fanta."

Tyler puffs out a breath and starts talking. "First off, someone slipped rohypnol into my drink, but Josh happened to be keeping an eye on me, meaning I didn't get a chance to take even a sip of it, and then I sucked this guy off, right? For one thing, his dick was gross. I mean, it was clean and all, but he didn't even bother to trim his pubes, and I picked, like, three of them out of my mouth while I was walking here. He even fucked my mouth without asking. Like, alright, it's not as if I'm incapable, because I have literally deepthroated Josh's fucking monster of a dick on numerous occasions, but I do enjoy a little warning. He did that, then shot his load on my face, without asking, which was disgusting, and after that, he gave me a horrible, dry handjob. It was literally the worst one I've ever gotten, and although that's not saying much considering I've only gotten gotten handjobs from three different guys, excluding the village asshole, my point still stands."

"Ew. I'm sorry about that, man. Can I ask how Josh is? Like, with sex and stuff?"

"What do you mean?"

"I meant does he do shit like that—without asking."

"No. Never. He's a little weird about sex, and I'm not saying he's into weird shit, because, honestly, he's pretty vanilla, but every single time we do anything, no matter how drunk he is, no matter how fast we're trying to be, and even if it's something simple like a handjob he is adamant on having my consent. He's also respectful of me, for the most part, and doesn't do anything I'm not one hundred percent comfortable with."

"Ah. That's good, at least. I mean, I haven't ever fucked him before, but I've always been a little curious as to what he's like."

"Understandable. I can vouch for him as far as sex goes, but he's terrible at being in a relationship." Tyler has his water by now, and he takes a sip after saying that.

"Relationship?" Now, Pete's eyebrows are super far up on his forehead, and Tyler groans.

"Shit. It was a slip. Um. Yeah. Don't tell anyone. He has some privacy issues I think, and told me that he didn't want to tell anyone, at least not, like, right off the bat."

"In the eleven, almost twelve years I've known that man, I've only seen him have one boyfriend. He's so anti relationships. Can I also ask how that happened?"

Tyler shrugs. "It just did. We had a good weekend last week, and sort of bonded or something, and then on Sunday we got into it, and had a full on shouting match. It wasn't that bad or anything, but it was probably worthy of an Academy award. Also, I'm serious—don't tell anyone about this, because he will kill me if he finds out I've been blabbing, but he got frustrated and upset and started crying, and after I got him to calm down, we, like... started cuddling."

"What kind of cuddling?"

"He asked me to spoon him. Josh—he doesn't let himself feel things, and he doesn't like to admit that he gets vulnerable, and that he actually has feelings, so I just--I guess him asking me to pretty much just hold him as sort of a big step for him. I think a better way to phrase all of that is that he acts like he hates intimacy, even though he doesn't. I just don't know why it's _me_ that he trusts like that."

"It's because he likes you. I doubt he'd ever have the balls to admit it--"

"He told me that he cares about me, so, surprisingly, he does have the balls."

"No shit? Good for him. Sorry if I seem weirdly concerned about Josh, but similar to what I'm doing with you, I took him under my wing and tried to guide him in the right direction as best as I could, and as much as he'd let me. Josh is kind of like a younger brother to me."

"How old are you anyways?"

"At the moment I'm thirty six. I turn thirty seven sometime next year."

"Huh. Cool, I guess."

"Not really. I'm starting to get, like, lines on my face. Totally uncool. Anyways, back to the Josh topic. I want you to keep going."

"Alright, alright. Another bit of Josh trivia is that whenever he's sleepy, and whenever he's about to fall asleep, he starts babbling and talking about stuff, and he went on this little rant about how he actually cares about me, and explained that he's no good when it comes to commitment, and that he's probably going to be shitty when it comes to things like being affectionate, but he asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, but without the labels. I mean, he even took the time to be straight with me, and to tell me that if the thing with our age difference ever caused any problems, then I'd need to tell him."

"How do the two of you work as far as the age difference goes anyways?"

"We do alright. I mean, there's still a maturity difference between the two of us, but, for the most part, he treats me as an equal and doesn't act like I'm some innocent flower child. He also doesn't coddle me or anything like that."

"Well, as much as I hate seeing an eighteen year old and a twenty nine year old being in a relationship, I still think you're good for him."

"Glad to have your blessing," Tyler says with a chuckle.

"Any time. Also, uh, do you need a ride home or anything? I mean, I know you usually get here somehow, but from the way you talked earlier, it doesn't sound like you had the best night, so you know."

Tyler realizes, at this moment, that Pete is kind. "Nah. I'm probably going to walk to Josh's apartment. It's closer to here than the bus stop I usually use is, and he'll probably take me home whenever we're both awake tomorrow."

***

It's five in the morning, and Josh is standing in his bathroom, brushing his teeth, when he hears someone knocking on the door. He continues brushing his teeth, figuring that if it's Brendon, he'll use the key taped to the top of the door frame and walk in eventually, and if it's Tyler, he'll just keep knocking until Josh answers.

The knocking is continuous, and only falters here and there, so Josh assumes that it is, indeed, Tyler. He takes his time rinsing his mouth out with water, and spits into the sink, before making his way from his bathroom to the door. He wasn't expecting any visitors this late (or early) and, honestly, he sort of just wants to go to bed and not deal with anyone, but he's also afraid that there _might_ be something wrong, so the tiny part of him that he thinks actually cares about anything is giving him a bored look and telling him to answer his fucking door. Also, like, Tyler starts ringing the doorbell, and Josh despises his doorbell.

Josh opens the door, and he hopes he looks about as annoyed as he feels, because he truly just wants to pop a few prescription sleeping pills that he bullshitted his way around a doctor to get a prescription for, and then after that, he wants to sleep for an uninterrutped eight to twelve hours. Yes, he's prepared to sleep until five in the evening on a Saturday. Go big or go home.

"What do you want, Tyler?"

Tyler looks up at him with his stupid hazel eyes that are a little too cute for Josh's liking as he talks. "I had a bad night and I need somewhere to crash. Like, sleep crash. Not drug crash. I was hoping I could sleep on your couch or something."

Josh rolls his eyes behind his eyelids before he's motioning Tyler inside. He's starting to sober up a little bit, and he's not in the mood to have anyone in his apartment, but a promise is a promise and he finds himself saying, "You can sleep in my bed if you want," anyways. "It's probably more comfortable than the piece of shit in my living room."

Tyler mumbles a quiet, "Thanks," before kicking his shoes off by the door, and hanging his jacket on the coat rack that's also next to the door.

He follows Josh, and sits on the man's bed as he's taking his pants off, and peeling his shirt off. He watches as Josh opens three different pill bottles from the top of his dresser, and watches him slip into his bathroom to fill a Dixie cup with water so he can take the pills. He's half expecting Josh just to get into the bed, but he doesn't. He leans on the door frame of his bathroom, and asks, "How was your night bad?"

Tyler's caught off guard. Josh rarely asks him about his day, or night, or whatever else. He usually just has to talk about it himself. "Uh. Well, that thing happened at the bar, and then, like, you saw me walking out of the backroom." Tyler shrugs, and gets to fluffing two of Josh's pillows for himself to use.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Josh nod, waiting for him to go on.

"Okay, so, like, I gave him a blowjob. No big deal, literally, but instead of asking or at least giving me a heads up, he just, like, fucked my face and jammed his dick down my throat and it was kind of disgusting. Like, you at least _ask_ before jamming your dick down my throat, and you don't just do it until I tell you it's fine. Also, he doesn't even trim his pubes. Like, I'm sorry, but I hate getting pubes in my fucking teeth, and I want to take a minute, right now, to personally thank you for keeping yours trimmed."

Josh shakes his head, mumbles, "No biggie," under his breath, and heads towards the light switch in his bedroom. Tyler turns one of the lamps next to the bed on before Josh flicks the lights off. Tyler keeps talking as Josh is getting into the bed.

"On top of that, though, he was being all gross and handsy with me too. I mean, I don't mind when guys do that, but he was being super forceful about it, and I really hate being the guy to complain about getting some action, but I like feeling respected and not like a common whore, unless I'm, like, in the mood for that."

"A lot of the guys who hang around that night club are like that, unfortunately," Josh tells him as he's adjusting his own pillows. Once he can comfortably lay on his side, he's pulling his blankets up to his chin, and he kind of hates that his reflex is to reach for Tyler's arm, so he can tug the boy into a lying down position, and to pull him closer so he can basically hold him against his chest. Josh tells himself that it's just because Tyler's upset. "Like I said last week--you're safe here."

"I know. That's why I'm here. Didn't feel comfortable going home, since I'm a little drunk and since this isn't the best neighborhood anyways. Also, I mean, I'm upset and in a shit fucking mood, so if I was at home by myself it'd just make it worse."

Josh nods, and kisses the side of Tyler's neck.

***

Tyler's using his free period a little later in the week to sit in one of the courtyards to eat something when Josh decides to send him a text. He rarely ever texts him, usually only to ask something if he doesn't have time to call, so Tyler figures it might be important.

 

 **Josh <3:** What does your dad do for work

 **Tyler:** why do u ask

 **Josh <3:** Well I ask because I have a new client who owns some dinky little Lebanese restaurant.

 **Tyler:** oh god

 **Tyler:** what's his name

 **Josh <3:** Christopher Joseph

 **Tyler:** no no no no no get rid of him

 **Josh <3:** I can't just get rid of him, Tyler. I have a contract and I'll get fined if I break it for no reason.

 **Tyler:** don't tell him about me pls

 **Josh <3:** Like I'm going to tell this guy I fuck his eighteen year old son on an almost weekly basis. I'm not that ballsy.

 **Josh <3:** Anyways, look—I'm good at my job, like, really good, and if I can, I'm going to try my best to throw together an ad campaign that will blow the panties off of consumers.

 **Josh <3: **More money for him means more money for you by association. Technically, I'm sort of doing you a favor.

 **Tyler:** i guess i can allow that

 **Josh <3: **... You weren't in control of this situation in the first place, but I SUPPOSE I can let you think that you were.

 **Tyler:** i shook my head at you

 **Josh <3: **Haha. Ok I need to go back to work. It was nice speaking with you? Text convos. are weird.

 **Tyler:** go back to work weirdo 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spencer smith   
> i dont have anything to add to that but like  
> love my boy  
> good boy

"Are you sure this isn't a little too..."

Josh turns his head to look at Debby, his assistant, then turns it back to look at the man who he now knows is Tyler's father, to reply to him. "What? Gay? Deb, what do you think?"

"Wouldn't care a single bit. Things like this are what's going to appeal to a certain... _demographic."_

"This isn't about my political views. Don't tell my wife, but I'm not conservative. I have no problem whatsoever with... queers, but, my clientele is rather..."

"Let me guess," Josh starts, "White, middle aged, middle class, looking for something exotic."

"Essentially, yes."

"Well, in my opinion, your problem right now is because you've been trying to appeal to the family crowd for too long. You'd be surprised at the amount of queer citizens in Columbus. It's honestly ridiculous, and, in my opinion, it'd be foolish of you not to take advantage of such a huge amount of potential clientele with highly disposable income. I'll also be honest about the fact that Lebanese restaurants aren't all that hot right now, _but_ , it's my job to make people think that they are."

Josh stands up from where he'd been sitting on the edge of the table in this conference room and uses a laser pointer to gesture towards one of the concept posters he'd made. "Even I'll admit that this guy is hot. If you have a pretty face on a poster, you'd be surprised at how many people you can drag in, even if it's just a few people here and there thinking, "Eh, fuck it—that guy on the poster is hot, so I may as well try this restaurant to see if it lives up to all the hype.""

The man looks slightly disgruntled. "I don't want to risk losing customers over this, though. I'm already having a hard enough time as it is."

"Aren't we all? We can still stick to the ads you've already been running, but maybe it's time to shake things up a little, yeah? You can either take my advice or leave it. I've been in advertising for almost eight years, so I think that, by now, I know what I'm doing."

***

It's in the middle of the first week of 2001 when Tyler comes home from school to see Josh's Jag in the driveway. Tyler walks into his house warily, and pales when he sees Josh and his father standing at the island in the kitchen, speaking to each other about something.

Tyler slowly and carefully steps into the kitchen, eyeing Josh. His father starts with, "Oh, Tyler!" as he's putting a packet of papers down, and smiling warmly. "This is Joshua Dun. He's that guy I told you about who does the advertising."

Josh goes with it, and Tyler almost implodes when Josh smiles at him and shakes his hand like a normal person saying, "Josh is fine. It's nice to meet you, Tyler."

Tyler squints. "Yeah, uh... Thanks. I guess. Why are you here? Don't you have an office or something."

"Tyler, watch your tongue. Don't be rude," his father chastises.

"Well? I was just wondering."

"I do have an office, but this was more convenient. Sometimes it's easier to work with clients in their own homes, especially clients with small businesses such as your father. Anyways, Mister Joseph, what sort of food do you serve specifically?" Josh pretty much ignores Tyler now, focusing his attention onto the eighteen year old's dad.

Tyler lingers as he pulls a carton of grapefruit juice from the fridge, eavesdropping on the conversation. He also cringes as his father goes on and on about the food in his shitty restaurants being the best pure Lebanese food in Columbus. With a roll of his eyes, Tyler turns his head to mouth, "Bullshit," to Josh.

"Are you sure it's the best...?" Josh quirks an eyebrow at the eldest man in the room. "If your food isn't the best, I need to know, because it will affect how I run this campaign."

Tyler cuts in at this point. "The food isn't bad, but it's Americanized. It's kind of like how Chinese food in America is versus what it's like in China. We eat actual Lebanese food at home, but in the restaurant, it's Americanized."

Tyler's father busts out the stern dad tone. "Tyler."

"No, no, let him speak. The more I know the better. Quality what do you think it's like?" Josh tilts his head and Tyler glares at him for a split second.

"I hate a lot of the restaurant food, but I'm used to having actual Lebanese food. I suppose that, from an outside point of view, it's alright, but you'd have to try it yourself."

After that, Tyler's told to go to his room. He stands outside of the kitchen and eavesdrops a little more after he grabs his glass of grapefruit juice, though. _"I'm so sorry about him. He turned eighteen about a month ago, and he's been a little mouthy since then."_

_"It's completely fine. We were both eighteen once too. You should probably take him more seriously, though. I, personally, think he had some good points, despite his execution being a little... harsh. Teenagers are really perceptive and smarter than you'd think."_

***

During the first week of February, Josh goes out of his way to invite Tyler over for an unofficial and not established date. At least, that's what Tyler thinks it is, mostly since is the second time ever Josh has invited Tyler over on his own without any prompting from Tyler, since he rarely cooks, and since he's acquired _good_ wine for once instead of the cheap boxed kind he usually gets. They're sitting on the floor in Josh's living room with a few candles on the ground around them, and, yeah, alright, this looks like a date.

For the most part, the two of them talk to each other and carry a decent conversation, and Tyler steals a few kisses here and there.

Josh starts up an actual conversation about serious stuff eventually, though. "So, Brendon hasn't spoken with me more than necessary since your birthday."

He doesn't explicitly say it, so Tyler asks. "Do you want to talk about it? It sounds like a load of shit, that he's doing that."

"That's why I brought it up. I think something's going on with him and Fuckhead. He's been acting _off,_ and, like I said, he won't talk to me. Usually, we used to at least exchange a few texts in the mornings or whatever, but he hasn't even said good morning to me since sometime in December."

"Have _you_ tried talking to him?"

"A few times, yeah. He never answers, though, and I've see him at Atlantis and a few of the bars, plus the diner, but he usually just says hello then walks off."

"You don't think it has anything to do with me, do you?"

"I doubt it. I mean, you might be part of it, but if you are, it's a very small part. He's stubborn and persistent, so I don't think you'd be nearly enough of a deterrent for him to leave me alone."

"I mean... I'm stubborn and persistent. I'm here, aren't I?"

"You know full well you wouldn't be here if I didn't want you to be," Josh states.

"I know, I know, but I worry."

"Don't do that, then. I always just blatantly tell you if I don't want something, don't I?"

"Well, yeah, but sometimes I get scared that you're leading me on."

"But I'm not, and you should know that. I haven't promised you anything that I know I won't be able to provide. For example, if we were boyfriends, I'd be promising you a monogamous relationship, whereas we both know full well I'd be fucking around on you, which isn't cool."

"I mean, I sleep with other people sometimes, but, like, most of the time it's just you, honestly."

"Do you actually like sleeping with other people?" Josh asks a little quietly, looking up from his own plate, then back down at it.

Tyler feels sort of ashamed for some reason as he admits, "Not really. A lot of the other guys I've been with other than you have no idea what they're doing, and it just... doesn't feel right, I guess."

"Just because I sleep with other people doesn't mean that you have to. You can if you want, because I don't really care, but you don't have to."

"Have you ever slept with anyone else more than once?" Tyler's mostly curious, and sort of making sure Josh isn't screwing around on him already.

"A few people, yeah, but not while I've known you. I had a few boyfriends when I was younger, but I wasn't really ever able to stay monogamous after a certain point for reasons I'd rather not talk about right now, so I'd cheat, break someone's heart, then it'd end and I'd go back to fucking everyone I could get my hands on. I mean, of course, I would try, but I dunno... Something's wrong with me, I guess. Commitment sort of scares me, and I also use sex as a coping mechanism. Also, uh, you're still... you're still cool that I sleep with other people sometimes, right?"

"Yeah, of course." Tyler shrugs a little bit. "I mean, I get a little jealous if I actually see you hitting on someone, but I try not to think about it for the most part."

"If you're not actually okay with it, you need to tell me, Tyler."

Tyler shrugs again. "I don't know that I am. I mean, I'm not not okay with it, but I don't know if I'm actually okay with it. At first I was, because I was just happy that I had you or however the hell you phrase it, but, uh, y'know."

"Look... I'm not involved with anyone else, because, honestly, I'm super picky with who I like romantically, and like I said, you're free to come and go when you want. I'm not forcing you into this. Do you want out of this?"

"No. I don't want out of this. You're sort of the only stable thing in my life right now, and I just—I feel safe when I'm around you. I mean, I have school to worry about because I graduate in May, and on top of that, my parents' relationship is rocky so I'm sort of stuck doing things that should be their responsibility, plus I also need to start applying for scholarships and schools to go to in the fall."

"Three things. One, do you actually like me, or is it because you're using me as an emotional crutch?"

"I really, really like you. Like, so much more than you think, alright? I mean, I get fed up with some of your bullshit sometimes, but trust me, I like you. What else?"

"What shit of your parents are you taking on that you apparently shouldn't be?"

"Taking care of my little brother, mostly. Like, cooking meals for him, making sure he gets up and gets to school on time, and making sure he's able to have a ride home. Dad's out of the house a lot because he can't deal with my mom yelling and screaming all the time, and my mom acts like I'm basically the hired help, so I'm stuck with household chores."

"That's bullshit. I get taking care of your brother, because I sort of had a similar situation when I was, uh, growing up, but still. I'd help if I could."

Tyler cracks a bit of a sad half grin. "Yeah. Not much to do, though, unless you're willing to either put me up, or pay for my rent, were I to move out at this very second."

"This isn't the third thing, but when do you think you're gonna move out?"

"Sometime this summer. I was thinking about asking Ashley if she wanted to move in together with me, because splitting rent is always easier."

"Ah. Anyways, the third thing—what happened to art school?"

"I dunno. I just... being an artist isn't practical, and my parents are gonna throw a fit if I go to an art school probably."

"Can I ask what you do? Like, what's your medium?"

"Music and writing. Mostly music, though. I sing, and I can play plenty of instruments."

"What instruments?"

"You're full of questions tonight, jeez. Uh. Piano, guitar, ukulele, violin, trumpet, and the flute. The last three are mostly because I was in band and orchestra in middle school and most of high school. Um. I tried playing bass guitar for awhile, but my fingers are super delicate, and after a string broke on me, I wussed out. I can sort of play drums, but I fucking suck at it, so I dunno."

"I'm sort of alright with drums and trumpet. Had a phase when I was younger."

Tyler huffs a little bit. "Awesome. Maybe I'll hit you up sometime."

"I'll probably tell you no, but you can try. Anyways—you should show me some of your music sometime. I could probably pull a few strings, given that you're talented. I've been in advertising since I was twenty two, so that's almost eight years. I've met a lot of people, and I've made some business friends."

"Y'know, you take care of me. Why?" Tyler has a perplexed frown on his face.

Josh shrugs for the million time. "Because, you take care of me in a way."

"How so?" Tyler's a little taken aback.

Josh avoids eye contact and takes a bite of spaghetti, the first he's taken in at least ten minutes. "You care about me in a way that no one has before. I know Brendon cares about me, or did, but it's different with you. People make snap judgments about me, but you never really have, and you're incredibly kind. I mean, I feel like if I had any problems that were especially bad, I could go to you and not worry about you screwing me over, or making me feel stupid."

"I dunno. I just... I try treating you like a human being, because that's what you are. Human. You're definitely not perfect, but I, personally, think you're pretty cool. Also, I mean, you don't treat me like a kid, which is pretty cool."

"As far as I'm concerned, you're my equal, and, hey, I like being treated like a human being, because you're right—that's all I am. Brendon pretty much worshiped me, which was kind of weird, and everyone else I know treats me like shit. I mean, I had it coming, given how I tend to treat people, but it still sucks, because my natural reflex is to be a dick."

"I think you're decent, and that you give good head."

Josh rolls his eyes, snorts, and pokes Tyler in the shin with his sock covered foot. He's about to say something, but a thought pops into his head, so he says that instead. "Hey, uh, would it help if we came up with some terms, or rules for whatever it is we got?"

"Maybe. What kind of rules?"

"Rules about sex and relationships with other people."

"Oh." Tyler thinks for a moment before saying, "I'm the only person you sleep with more than once. Same goes for me. No relationships with anyone else either."

Josh nods. "Reasonable. No lying or sneaking around either. If one of us fucks up, we tell each other."

"That's fair. No one stays over other than me, and no hiding things. If you have a problem with me, or a problem that I should know about, or vice versa, then say something."

"I can do that. So, uh... how about we finish eating, clean these dishes up, and either go to bed, fuck, or watching something...?"

"I'm, uh, not really in the mood to fuck, but do you think we could just... maybe make out for awhile?"

"What are we—twelve?"

"Might as well be." Tyler shrugs. "It's either that, or I'm going to bed."

Josh makes a bit of a face.

Tyler rolls his eyes and smiles at him.

***

Tyler's mother meeting Josh for the first time happens when Tyler's in the living room helping his little brother with some homework, and Josh is on the couch, waiting for Tyler's father to get home, since he's there for 'business things,' as his father had dubbed it, which meant he and Tyler were trying their best to act as if they didn't know each other.

Tyler knows his mother recognizes Josh from the photos, even if she doesn't say anything. It's the look on her face when he introduces himself that gives her away.

***

Later in February, during the last week of it, after hanging out with the usual crew, save for Brendon, at one of the bars, Tyler and Josh start heading back towards his car so they can go to his apartment, mostly to fool around, and they're kissing each other and laughing a bit along the way, just having a good time, when Tyler's being grabbed by the hood of his jacket, and being called by his full name.

_"Tyler Robert Joseph!"_

Josh turns first, only to mutter, "Fuck," under his breath.

Tyler turns around after getting the hand that was on the hood of his jacket to let go, and he pales at the sight of his mother standing there, looking pissed as _hell,_ not to mention _shocked._

Dumbly, he says, "Um. Hey, Ma."

"What the _hell_ are you doing?"

"Just, uh... walking and talking." Tyler figures he may as well try to play it off.

"I just saw you walk out of that bar with four other men, yet you mean to tell me that you're just—you're just walking and talking?"

Tyler shrugs.

His mother focuses her attention onto Josh next. "And you—are you some sort of pervert?"

Tyler takes a deep breath, lets it out, then responds. "I know you recognize him from the pictures, and, no, he's not a pervert. Jesus—were you stalking me?" Tyler gives her an incredulous look, wondering what the hell her issue is. Okay, he knows what her issue is, but he thinks that her basically stalking him is a little much.

"I was following you to see where the hell you've been going for the past six months, and why you've always been out."

Josh decides to cut in at this point, trying to deescalate the situation. "Okay, I'm—I'm sure you aren't my biggest fan at the moment, but he's allowed to make his own choices. I'm not saying that they're the best choices, but we were both eighteen once too, right?"

That's... actually pretty reasonable. Huh. Go Josh. Tyler knows she isn't sure on what to say, and he notices her stumble just a tiny bit, and he knows the look in her eyes, causing him to ask, "Are you drunk right now?"

"That's none of your concern, Tyler," she basically hisses. "You need to come home with me. Now."

For the first time in a long time, Tyler stands up to her. "No. If I go home with you, you're going to yell at me, and slap me around, and we both know it."

"Either you come home with me right now, or you don't come home ever again."

Tyler scoffs. "You can't do that to me."

"As a matter of fact, I can. You're eighteen. It's not my job to take care of you anymore."

Tyler runs his mouth, and decides to say the exact wrong thing.

"Fine. Fuck you. I'll come home and get my shit, but after that, I'm gone. You get your wish, Mom."

***

Tyler goes home with Josh, and in the morning, Josh takes Tyler home. Tyler's relieved to see that his mother isn't home when he gets there, but his nerves come right back once his father is sitting both him and Josh down for a talk.

"Tyler, I tried talking to your mother, I really did, but she isn't budging, at least not right now. I think that, for the time being, it's best if you weren't here. It's not that I don't want you here, because I'd rather you be here, but we both know how your mother is. Anyways," he turns towards Josh, "Josh, that's where you come in."

Josh motions for him to go on, face blank, devoid of any emotion, and Tyler feels sick to his stomach. He knew his mom wouldn't be alright with anything, but he wasn't expecting to get kicked out.

"I know that the two of you have been... seeing each other. I'm not stupid, and I've seen the looks you give him, and the ones he give you. I'm not saying I'm okay with all of it, because I'm not, but there's nothing I can do given Tyler's age."

Josh sighs and rolls his eyes a tiny bit. "Get to the point, Joseph."

"How much would it cost for him to stay with you?"

"And why do you assume he would be staying with me?" Josh gives him a pointed look and Tyler basically curls in on himself.

"Where else would he stay? We don't have any immediate family that lives within either Columbus, Ohio, or the country, I know he doesn't have any friends he could stay with, and you're the one who seduced him, who fucked him, so why shouldn't you be responsible?"

"Well, for one thing, he's your kid, he's not my boyfriend, and anything we've done together has been completely consensual and of his own volition."

Tyler's father sighs. "At least with you, I know where he is, and I know he's safe."

"What the fuck do you think I'm going to do? Run away?"

"Language, and you might. I wouldn't know. You don't talk to me or your mother anymore."

Josh sighs, and takes a moment or two to say, "Fine. You're already paying me enough for work, and my rent is more than you take home in a month. Don't worry about paying me."

***

They spend the rest of that day packing up Tyler's stuff, and moving it to Josh's apartment. Before making the first trip there, Josh is saying, "Jesus Christ, Tyler, how much shit do you have?" after realizing that both his trunk and back seat are full, yet Tyler still has more stuff.

"I still have more clothes to bring out, shoes, recording equipment, instruments, school stuff, and a computer, plus a few things I'd like to keep with me for sentimental value, and, look, your backseat is pitifully small. You should've gone with a Cadillac."

Out of all of that, Josh decides to question the recording equipment.

"I told you. I'd like to consider myself a budding musician. My parents aren't exactly poor, so I took advantage while I could and got some equipment."

"Oh. Huh." Josh scratches his head. "Must've forgot, I guess."


	8. Chapter 8

"What I want to know is how you got damn near perfect scores on your SATs when you don't even understand basic trig." Josh is to his wit's end trying to explain Tyler's math to him. He didn't even do his own math homework in high school _or_ college, yet he understands this shit.

"I used to have a tutor. Are you going to help me or not? You told me that homework was a condition of staying here, Josh."

Josh grunts, and adjusts his position a little bit, tugging Tyler's textbook closer to himself. He uses a pen to tick down a little place marker for himself, and he's about to try explaining something, but Tyler's giving him a kiss, one that earns him a small grin from Josh.

"What was that for?" He asks, voice quiet and pleased.

"You look cute right now," Tyler answers simply.

Josh is going in for another kiss, and he's just _barely_ pressed his lips against Tyler when his doorbell rings. Tyler sighs, and Josh groans, loudly, before hauling himself off of the ground. "I swear to fucking god," He mutters under his breath as he's walking through his apartment to the front door.

Before he opens the door, Tyler raises his voice to shout, "Ten bucks says it's Brendon!"

Josh rolls his eyes, and yanks his door open. Lo and behold, it's Brendon, and as soon as Tyler hears his voice, he's shouting, "Ten bucks, fucker! Pay up!"

Josh steps back into the living room with his wallet, basically shoving a ten into his hand.

As soon as Brendon sees Tyler, he's asking, "Why is he always here? It's been seven months, Josh. Doesn't he ever go home?" in a disappointed sounding tone.

Tyler spares him a glance, and does a slight hand gesture, as if to say, _"I am home,"_ but Brendon doesn't catch it.

"If you're here to bitch about Tyler, then you need to leave. You haven't spoken to me _once_ since December, so you've kind of lost the right to complain. Why are you here, anyways?"

Brendon gives Tyler a slightly wary look. "Tyler, could you like... leave?"

"I'm working on homework. Just pretend like I'm not here."

Josh sighs a little bit and hands Tyler another twenty bucks. "Make yourself scarce."

"It takes more than thirty to get me to leave, Josh."

"Jesus—what more do you want from me? A kidney?" Josh grunts a little bit as he rifles through his wallet for a fifty and another twenty."

"I mean, I was kidding, but, shit—I'll do anything for a hundred bucks."

Josh scoffs and says, "If you were kidding, give me my money back you ass!" but Tyler's already out of the living room and putting on shoes, keys on hand, by the time Josh is done saying that.

He sighs in despair before turning back to Brendon. "Why are you here, other than to tell Tyler to leave?"

Brendon walks around the couch, and plops down on it before he explains. "Ryan wants to move."

"And? What does this have to do with me?" Josh asks this with a bit of a _tone._

"More thank you'd think. It's sort of a long story, but, um... The reason I haven't been talking to you is because he told me not to. Like... He gave me an ultimatum--either I quit being friends with you, or he leaves me. He's just... jealous i guess."

"And you _listened_ to him?"

"What else was I supposed to do, Josh?" Brendon gives him a helpless look. "My entire livelihood depends on him. He pretty much controls my life. He pays the rent, he pays the bills, and most of the money and things I have at the moment come from him. I can't just break up with him. It'll ruin me."

"That's unhealthy as shit."

Brendon frowns a little bit, and gets defensive. "I could say the exact same thing about you and Tyler."

"First of all, he's not my boyfriend, I'm not basically his glorified sugar daddy nor do I pay for anything he does, I don't keep him from his friends because I get jealous, and _our_ situation right now is a fuck of a lot different than your situation with Ryan, so butt the fuck out."

"Why are you so testy?"

"What do you expect from me? Do you expect me to side with someone who chose his asshole of a boyfriend over his best friend, or do you expect me to choose someone who actually gives a genuine shit about me?"

"I don't--I don't know. Anyways, look, I'm not here to fight. He wants to move to Nevada, which is on the other side of the fucking country. I don't even know anyone there, but he does, apparently, and he wants me to go with him."

"Do you want to go?"

"I dunno-- _kinda,_ but, at the same time, no."

"Why not?" Josh actually sits down on the other end of his couch now, deciding that standing just isn't something that he wants to do right now.

"I want to go with him because--well--it'd be a chance to start over, away from all the bullshit here. Added, I love him and all that, and I don't want to lose him. At the same time, though, I don't want to go because I'll be alone, without any friends, but still--a chance to start over."

"Honestly, I don't give a shit what you do, because it's your life, but you should really think this through."

"Oh, of course _you_ don't give a shit."

"Like I said, it's not my life. I can't control you. Is there more to this, or did you just come over to blab my ear off for a few minutes?"

"There's more. There's always more."

"Alright, _well,_ quit beating around the bush, and hop to."

"He's... mean to me."

"Elaborate."

"He yells at me and sometimes he even screams, and we fight a lot, and there's even been a few times that he's raised his fist to me. I mean, he hasn't ever actually hit me, but the threat is still there. He also says things."

"What sort of things?"

"Just... insults, basically. Mostly about my intelligence, and he likes to throw the fact that he pretty much owns me into my face whenever I try defending myself. Like, he threatens to cut me off."

"Why the fuck are you still with him, then?"

"It's complicated, alright?"

"Bullshit. He isn't a good person."

"He _is,_ though. He is. He has soft and nice sides too, and he's sweet and romantic."

"In my opinion, the shitty parts of him outshine the good parts. He's a piece of shit."

"Quit calling him names, Josh. You're a piece of shit too."

"Yeah, but I don't yell and scream at my partner, nor do I abuse him or threaten him, because I at least know that shit isn't fucking cool. If you want to keep being oblivious, living in your little bubble, worshiping that piece of shit, then be my fucking guest. I'm not responsible for you, and if you refuse to see this situation for what it is, then I cannot help you, Brendon."

"You do a lot of the same shit he does, though. Like, if _he's_ abusive, then so are you."

Josh rolls his eyes, and gets up to say, _"How?"_ in a raised voice.

"You—you're leading Tyler on! He's just a kid, but you're leading him on as if you _actually_ care about him. You haven't given a shit about anyone other than me, and we all know you don't give a shit about me anymore!" Brendon has a fierce look on his face, one that could kill.

"Where the _fuck_ do you get off on accusing me of not caring about him?" Josh runs his fingers through his hair and lets out a loud breath. "He's the first person in a long, _long_ time to give me the light of fucking day, and the first person who doesn't just assume shit about me like you and everyone else I know does. I don't know what the _fuck_ your issue is with him, but you need to back the fuck off, because it's annoying. And if you can't back the fuck off--then fine! Get the fuck out of my apartment, and move to Nevada with the stockbroker! See if I fucking care!" Josh is livid, because Tyler is one of his weak spots. He's pointing towards the door, and clenching his other fist, trying his best to resist the urge to walk over to where Brendon's at to sock him in the jaw.

***

 **Josh <3: **Where are you

 **Tyler:** I'm at the diner eating why

 **Josh <3: **Can you come back please

 **Tyler:** is something wrong

 **Josh <3: **Brendon left for good. Just come back and finish your homework.

 **Tyler:** what do you mean by for good

 **Josh <3: **Come home and I'll explain I guess

***

Tyler sits down in front of his trig homework for the second time that night, waiting for Josh to start explaining. The man is pacing behind the couch, stewing, and Tyler hits his breaking point pretty quickly. "Dude, will you quit pouting, and tell me what the fuck happened?"

"We got into a shouting match and I booted him out of my apartment."

"Is that it?" Tyler sounds bored. "Is that why you wanted me to drop everything and come back?"

"That's... not it, exactly, but I dunno. I don't want to tell you the rest of what happened."

"Josh, just tell me. I'm not going to judge you or anything, if that's what you're worried about."

"Ryan's apparently abusing him, basically, and Brendon argued with me over it and defended him. I blatantly told Brendon that Ryan was abusive, so he called _me_ abusive, called whatever it is I have with you unhealthy, said some shit he had no right to say, then I told him to get out."

"What'd he say?"

"Stuff."

"So, basically, you said something emotional that you don't actually have the gall to say to my face. Am I right?"

"Essentially, yes."

"If you wanna say something emotional to me, then go ahead. The only thing stopping you is your pride."

Josh sighs and makes a bit of a face. "I care about you. A lot."

"I'm aware. I care about you too." _He's such a child sometimes._

Josh walks around the couch and sits down, and Tyler sits next to him, holding his hand. "Brendon accused me of leading you on, then accused me of not being able to care about anyone, said I can't possibly care about you. He acts like I cheated on him or something, but I just-- I never had anything with him in the first place."

Tyler just sits there quietly, waiting for him to continue.

"I'm tired."

"Go to bed."

"Not that kind of Tired. I just... I'm so sick and tired of everyone assuming I don't have feelings. Do you know how much it stings to hear someone who I though was my best friend say something like that to me?"

"I can imagine."

"I try so hard, and I know I'm terrible at it, but I try being nice to people, and I try expressing affection, but Brendon—people doing shit like that—that's why I close myself off from everyone. I let myself trust people, but they always break it."

Tyler sighs silently, and sits up a little bit. He tosses a leg over Josh's thighs, and situates himself in the man's lap. He puts hands on either side of his face just as Josh is settling his hands on Tyler's hips, and they look each other in the eyes. Tyler speaks first after kissing him gently. "I don't think we have the healthiest or the most ideal relationship in the world, but you're not abusive, alright? You're not a bad person. You're misunderstood, flawed, and imperfect, sure, but you're not bad. You're just a human being. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with Brendon, and I don't really care about what's going on with him, but he had no right to say any of that to you. I, personally, don't think you're mean, or cruel, or emotionless, but rather incredibly kind and sort of sweet in a way. I think we should just go to bed, because I could always use some sleep, and you need to rest anyways. I can worry about my trig tomorrow, because it isn't due until Friday anyways."

Josh sighs, and takes to staring at Tyler's collarbone as tears start to well up in his eyes. Tyler notices this, and gets Josh to lean forward so he can hug him tight. "You're allowed to cry, Josh."

"I feel pathetic." Josh's voice is weak, and he's hugging Tyler back.

"Crying doesn't make you pathetic. If you need to, then do it."

"You make me too emotional."

"I'm just doing my job."

***

They lay in bed that night, facing each other, and Tyler plays with the hair on Josh's head while the man talks. "I grew up being taught that expressing emotions meant I was going to get beat or made fun of."

"That's not true."

"I know. My father is a horrible person, though. I had to _be a man,_ and crying was for fags and women. At least I have half of that down."

Tyler nods, and runs a thumb across Josh's cheekbone before the man continues.

"He still thinks that I'm straight, but that I haven't married yet."

"You're the gayest thing on this earth, J."

Josh huffs a little bit, and smiles sadly. "Thanks for the reassurance. I just... I wish I would've come out to my parents when I was younger. God, you're so much braver than I am or ever will be."

Tyler shrugs. "I'm just bad at hiding it. I love dick too much."

Josh cracks another grin, but it disappears pretty quickly. "I have a shitty and unfortunate life."

"No you don't. You have a good job, a good apartment, plus me. Like, I'm basically a trophy wife. I can cook and I'm pretty clean. I think you have a pretty alright life."

"Is it bad that I'm _just now_ realizing that I don't have any real friends?"

"Nope. Not at all. I mean, I only have you, Pete, and Ashley."

"Yeah, but you're eighteen. You have time to make more friends. I'll be thirty in a few months."

"So? It doesn't matter. You can always make new friends, and I don't mean business friends or fuck buddies. I mean actual friends."

"I don't even know how to do that. I don't really talk to anyone, and no one I know bothers to talk to me."

"If you want to be friends with another eighteen year old, I could introduce you to Ashley. She's my supportive straight best friend. Or bi. It's whatever."

"I think you're my best friend, honestly."

"That's alright."

"You know what I really hate?"

"Hit me." Tyler kisses Josh on the forehead.

"I hate how when I try to be nice, or do nice things, or whatever else, I fuck up with my execution, so I come off as rude, and people just... get pissed at me for it."

Tyler nods and yawns a little bit. "I understand that."

"You must have the patience of a saint to put up with me."

"I don't feel like I'm putting up with you, though. You have shit on your plate, as do I, and I kind of thought the point of being more than friends was to support each other emotionally. And to also fuck on a highly regular basis."

Josh shakes his head before scooting forward to wrap an arm around Tyler's waist, and to kiss him softly and sweetly.


	9. Chapter 9

"Josh, c'mon, worry about getting your dick sucked later," Tyler manages to whine over the loud, thumping music in the club. He's holding onto Josh's hand, trying to look cute.

Josh rolls his eyes and gives Tyler a dirty look. "I've been trying to nail that fucker all night, Tyler. You're ruining it."

"Nail someone else. Or me. Anyways, listen—I want to ask you a question."

Tyler stares up at Josh, waiting for the man to tell him to go ahead, but Josh just snaps, saying, "Well? Get the fuck on with it."

"Quit being a dick." Tyler rolls his eyes. "Prom's coming up, and I was kind of wondering if you wanted to go with me...?"

Josh visibly snorts and throws his head back in a form of mocking laughter. "Prom? Seriously? I'll be thirty in three months. I don't want to be stuck in a room of fucking eighteen year olds."

Tyler smirks to himself, then says, "I thought you liked fucking eighteen year olds."

"You know what I mean," Josh tells him. "Go ask some pretty girl to go with you."

"I don't __want__ to go with some pretty girl. I want to go with __you."__ Tyler tries giving him his best begging look, even though he knows it doesn't work on Josh in the slightest. (Or does it?)

"Too bad, Tyler. Go do homework or something." Josh yanks his hand free from Tyler's grasp, and walks off after that. Tyler glares holes into the back of his head. __Asshole.__

***

"Why the long face, little dude?" Pete asks as he's placing Tyler's usual order in front of him.

"Fucking __Josh."__ Tyler sighs and pouts a little bit. "I know he's, like, seventy two, but I asked him if he'd go to my senior prom with me, right? Although I'm well aware that he hates anything traditional or sentimental, I thought that maybe he'd say yes, because, hey, we're, like, an item, but he was being a dick about it. On top of being bummed about Josh shooting me down, I talked to my dad, and asked him if he had any of my suits, because I still want to go to prom, and he said that he did, __but,__ my __mom__ is refusing, like, __refusing,__ to let me go get one of them, so I don't even have a fucking suit for the whole thing, and I doubt I can talk Josh into buying me one."

Tyler's, honestly, on the verge of tears. He's so frustrated right now—frustrated with Josh, frustrated with his parents, frustrated with his __life.__ He's pulled out of his train of thought, though, by Pete grabbing one of his hands and looking him in the eye. "You're going to that prom. Brendon left some of his old suits at my apartment, and then Patrick has, like, five hundred of them, so I'm sure we can find you something to wear."

"Brendon will have a fit," Tyler tells him.

"Oh, __fuck__ Brendon. He left his shit there, and he hasn't come back to get it, so I think I reserve the right to give his suits away to a worthy cause."

Tyler cracks a half grin. "You don't have to do this, man."

"Of course I do." Pete nudges Tyler in the arm, lightly. "I skipped out on my senior prom, and I __still__ regret it, well into my thirties. Even if Josh won't pull his head out of his ass and go with you, then you should at least go with a friend or something."

***

The evening of Tyler's prom, he finds himself crammed into Pete's apartment with his father, Pete himself, Patrick, and Ashley. Josh is AWOL, which was to be expected, and Tyler couldn't really give less of a shit, because, hey, he's sort of mad at Josh.

Pete's just barely finished mixing and matching parts of suits until he'd found a combination that matched and fit Tyler perfectly, and when the eighteen year old is stepping out of the bedroom, Ashley's immediately on him, saying, "Oh, the things I'd do to you if you were straight," with a wicked grin on her face.

Tyler laughs and tells her that she looks beautiful. She's wearing a simple black cocktail dress, and she's wearing a brown wig that looks absolutely __fantastic__ on her.

Tyler's father grins, proudly, which surprises Tyler a bit, and he stands up to pull his son into a hug. Patrick and Pete stand off to the side, looking like proud parents themselves. Patrick thinks to ask, "Who's driving the infants around tonight?"

Tyler's father raises a hand. "I may as well. I need to get home anyways."

***

"Do you think Josh is going to show up?" Ashley asks, softly, over the sound of the slow song playing throughout the gymnasium of their high school.

"I don't give a shit right now. I just wanted __one thing,__ and he shot me down without even thinking about it," Tyler says back to her. "I swear, I'm not putting out for a __month.__ He even said he wouldn't be caught dead in a room of fucking eighteen year olds. I'm trying not to be mad at him, because I can see where he's coming from, but my patience is wearing thin."

The song ends, so Tyler's respectfully removing his hands from her waist, and she's retracting her arms from where they were thrown over Tyler's shoulder. "Isn't he, like, forty?"

"Twenty nine."

"Well, still. He's your boyfriend. He should be here," She responds as the two teenagers head towards the punch bowl. "If I had a boyfriend, and he didn't take __me__ to __my__ senior prom, I would so break up with him."

"I'm not breaking up with Josh." Tyler rolls his eyes.

"Oh, I know you aren't. I'd kill you if you did, because he's, like, so fuckable." Ashley's met Josh on a few occasions, and each time, she's left swooning, and Tyler doesn't blame her. Josh is like... He's a trophy wife, sort of.

"Yeah, yeah."

"How are things with him anyways?"

"They're fine; the usual. We fuck a lot, I nurse him through his hangovers on the weekends, and he provides me with a roof over my head, so it's whatever."

Ashley's about to say something else, and judging by the look on her face, Tyler figures she's about to make a smart ass comment, but her eyes widen and she points towards the doors, saying, "I spoke too soon."

Tyler turns around and he gapes at the sight he's met with. Josh is standing there, in all of his six foot tall glory, looking absolutely dreamy, gorgeous, and sort of seductive. He's stepping into the gym, scanning the room, and Tyler's almost breathless. He can't believe this.

Josh spots him eventually, and he starts walking towards Tyler, purpose clear in his step. "I thought you said you weren't going to be here," Tyler mumbles as he's being handed a red and a white rose.

Josh shrugs, and slides his hands into his pockets. "Figured I'd relive my misspent youth."

Ashley whispers, "Have fun," into Tyler's ear before she's slipping away, leaving Tyler standing alone with Josh at the snacks table.

"You know that two roses, one red and white, mean unity, right?" Tyler asks, cheeks burning up, as he looks Josh in the eye.

Josh's eyebrows shoot up for a quick second before he shrugs. Tyler knows he'd never say anything, but he's pretty sure Josh knew what the roses meant, and that Josh did it on purpose, and it's causing him to step closer to the twenty nine year old, and to wrap arms around Josh's torso.

Josh returns the hug, and when Tyler pulls away, Josh kisses him on the forehead. Tyler's half tempted to go in for a kiss on the lips, and he almost does, but the next thing he knows, another slow song is being announced, and Josh is smirking as he leads him out and onto the floor.

"Are you sure want to dance in front of god and everyone?" Tyler asks quietly as he follows him.

"I'm sure," Josh replies with certainty.

Tyler's pretty sure that what unfolds over the course of the next five minutes or so is something out of a fairy tale. The two men end up in the middle of the floor, sharing a bunch of emotionally fond looks, Josh is smiling a little shyly at Tyler, and Tyler's looking up at him with adoration apparent on his face.

Tyler's grateful for all of the dance lessons his mother made him go to as a child. They're pulling some extravagant moves, and it's just... __fabulous.__ He has to wonder how the hell Josh knows how to __dance__ like this. It's almost mind boggling. Even though they're in a room of however many other people, the moment still feels intimate and __so__ romantic.

Tyler mouths some of the lyrics of the song (Take My Breath Away) to Josh during the slow dance, and the eighteen year old will swear up and down that the man in front of him __blushed.__

Right before the song ends, Josh dips his head really quick, and kisses Tyler, like, super passionately, and the boy swoons. For one thing, at that point, they already had almost everyone's attention, and Tyler just—he __can't believe__ Josh just __did that,__ in front of __everybody.__ He's fucking thrilled.

They hang around the gym for a few more songs, not slow ones, before Tyler's grabbing Josh's hand and tugging him into the hallway. The school is dark, with only a few lights on here and there, and Tyler's sure to send Ashley a text to tell her that he's going home with Josh.

***

"I can't believe we danced to Take My Breath Away," Tyler's saying with a giggle and a quick kiss to Josh's lips as they're traipsing through the parking lot.

"It was pretty corny," Josh says as he cracks a half-grin, and as Tyler is pressing him against the side of his (Josh's) car.

"It was so romantic, though." Tyler looks genuinely happy, and he throws his arms over Josh's shoulders to pull the man into a deep kiss.

"It was __ridiculously__ romantic, Tyler Joseph," Josh states matter-of-factly as he breaks the kiss. "I'm sorry I didn't show up sooner."

Tyler shrugs, and kisses him once more. "It means a lot to me that you showed up in the first place, Josh. I wasn't expecting to see you until I got home tomorrow."

Josh offers him one of his rare, soft, sweet, and unguarded grins, one of the ones that have been fairly common tonight, and after one final peck on the lips, he says, "Let's go home."

Tyler nods. He walks around Josh's car, and he's about to get in, but he remembers __something,__ and after patting his pockets down, he says, "Shit, I left my wallet with Ashley. I'll be __right__ back."

Josh nods, and gets into his car while Tyler trots back towards the building. He has his keys in the ignition, and he's just barely turned his car on when he sees a shadowy figure walking up to Tyler with a baseball bat in hand, and Josh barely manages to get out of his car, shouting Tyler name. It's too late, though, because the second Tyler turns around to see what the hell Josh was yelling at him for, and in such a panicked tone, the bat has been swung, and all Josh can register is __blood__ and __fear__ and __oh fuck, oh fuck, no, please, not him.__

Josh runs as fast as he can, which is pretty fast, given he's pretty athletic, and he shoves the stupid fucking teenager to the ground, and manages to bust one of kid's kneecaps with the bat that he'd dropped before he, himself, is dropping to the ground to look at Tyler.

He can barely see over the dim light of the streetlamps nearby, but there's a lot of blood, __too much,__ and he's quick about having his phone out to dial 911.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~there's a small chance that i might,,, change the title of this fic and make it like. one whole ass fic like the other one but idk i'm gonna have to think on it. in 2018 imma just do what i want lol~~
> 
> we out here


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lets pretend i didnt forget to update this today like i told myself i would  
> im working on two oneshots rn (one brallon one joshler no big surprise) and was... a little wrapped up in them  
> also im like  
> mmmaybe a third of the way through outlining part III hrghgggmmmm

Hospitals carry a certain scent to them. They smell like disinfectant and hand sanitizer, and the scent makes Josh's nostrils sting. He's hunched over right now with his palms pressed against his eyelids while Tyler's friend, Ashley, he thinks, rubs his back. The feeling of her acrylic nails on his back through his dress shirt is somehow cathartic, and her voice quietly walking him through breathing exercises is the only thing keeping him sane right now. She's nice and he can see why she's Tyler's best friend.

Tyler's dad is on the other side of the waiting room with Tyler's little brother sitting in his lap. He's barely aware of Tyler's dad trying to reassure his youngest son, Zack, or whatever, that Tyler's going to be alright, even though none of them know for sure whether or not that's true.

Josh is in the middle of breathing out for eight beats when the door to the waiting room is flying open, and Josh really, _really_ hates that he recognizes the way Brendon walks, and that he doesn't even have to look up to know who it is. Brendon's supposed to be flying to Vegas tonight, but Josh called him just as he was about to board his flight, totally not crying and bordering on hysterical, asking him if he could just show up and _help_ somehow. Despite their drama and the fact that they haven't spoken to teach other in _months,_ Brendon's still his best friend when it comes down to it.

Ashley's hand doesn't disappear when Brendon's taking a seat on the other side of Josh, and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Josh looks up, and for half a second, he's dumbly expecting Tyler to be sitting there with a dumb grin on his stupid pretty face, telling him that they're gonna be alright, but he's only face with Brendon's ugly mug looking all concerned, and asking, "Any news?"

Josh shakes his head and leans back, motioning towards Ashley, meaning for her to explain while he wipes his eyes off on the sleeves of his shirt.

"Um, no. He's--he's still in there. No one's said anything to us."

Brendon nods, acting like he's ever actually given more than half a shit about Tyler, and then turns towards Josh to ask him if he needs anything.

"I need a fucking drink," he mutters a little too quickly.

Brendon rolls his eyes. "I'll get you a bottle of water. Pretty sure they don't hand out liquor here."

***

A doctor does come out eventually, asking which one of them is Tyler's next of kin. Tyler's father stands up, and leaves Zack with Ashley before walking with the doctor, listening to whatever bullshit hushed tone he's talking in. Josh focuses as hard as he can, and all he gathers is that Tyler's lucky to be alive, that he might have brain damage, and that, despite either of those things, the doctor himself is optimistic that he'll pull through.

The next few weeks are weird. Josh uses up all of his vacation days, spending them sitting at home getting sauced and worrying himself half to death, even if he wont admit it to anyone else. Ashley, somehow, has his phone number, and she texts him updates on Tyler, since Josh can't bring himself to actually go see him. Tyler's, literally, comatose for most of those few weeks, but winds up _not_ having any brain damage or any permanent physical ailments related to the assault, aside from a scar on his head where his stitches were. That's not to say he comes out of it perfectly mentally healthy, though. Ashley explains as best as she can over text that he can't remember anything past a certain point, and that he's been having nightmares, which is great!

***

Josh is in one of his usual bars, swishing whiskey around in his glass and contemplating slamming the rest of it, and wondering what drink he's going to order next, when Brendon, who _should_ be living in Las Vegas with his stupid dreamboat of a stockbroker boyfriend, plops down in the seat next to him, saying, "Hey, Josh," in a tone that sounds like he's not sure what he should be saying.

Josh spares him a glance, looking away just as quick. He figures Brendon's probably going to pester him anyways, so arguing with him or asking him to go away is probably pointless. "Hey yourself," he mutters before waving the bartender over and ordering Brendon's favorite beer for him.

"How much have you had to drink?" Brendon asks while they're waiting for his beer.

Josh looks up at the menu, and has to stare at it for a minute or two, doing some lackluster math in his head, before he's able to give him an answer. "Mm... I think I've gone through about fifty bucks so far. Give or take." Most of that is slurred. He thinks, _"Fuck it,"_ to himself before slamming the rest of his whiskey. When the bartender walks back over with Brendon's beer, before Josh can order another drink for himself, Brendon's ordering him _water,_ which makes him groan. He doesn't protest, though.

"You're drinking that water, then I'm taking you home."

Josh decides to listen to him, just this once.

***

Brendon helps Josh up to his apartment, which is a fucking chore, given that Josh is a little over six feet tall, and weighs almost two hundred pounds, most of which is just _muscle._ (He's a big guy.) Brendon manages it, though, and manages to get Josh into his bedroom and into pajamas, since he's too fucked up to do it himself.

He leaves Josh's bedroom for a few minutes to get him one of his stupid square bottles of water from the fridge, and four ibuprofen to take in the morning. Once he's back in the room and setting the water and pills down on Josh's side table, he asks, "Where's Tyler?" because the last he heard, Tyler was living with him.

Josh slurs out a respond as he struggles to get under his blankets. "Moved back in with his dad. His mom left them and took his baby brother."

"Have you seen him?"

Josh shakes his head, and rolls over so that Brendon can't see his face. He's just fucked up enough to let himself get emotional. "No. I--I miss him so _fucking much,_ but I can't look at him without wanting to throw up. I just--I keep picturing him getting his with that stupid fucking bat _over and over--_ and I just--I could've _lost him."_

Brendon sighs to himself, and takes his shoes off before crawling across Josh's bed, and sitting behind where he's laying so he can rub his back a little bit. "There's nothing you could've done, man."

***

There's one weekend where Josh doesn't go out, a few weeks after his birthday, mostly since he needs time to wallow in self pity, and the first night of that weekend happens to be the one night his doorbell goes off. He's a little drunk, which is to be expected at this point, as he stumbles towards his door. He opens it, prepared to tell Brendon or whichever one of his other friends is there to fuck off and leave him alone, but he stops dead in his tracks when he sees that it's _Tyler._ Tyler's just _standing there,_ looking almost terrified, yet excited.

He smiles a little bit, and it sounds as if he's about to cry as he says Josh's name, sounding all relieved.

Josh so desperately wants to tell him to go away, but he doesn't. "Uh..." is the only sound that comes out of his mouth.

"Can I--can I come in? I just--I need somewhere to stay tonight. It's one of, um, those situations. I just really needed away from my dad and Pete and fucking Ashley. They keep hovering and it's too overwhelming."

Josh breaks eye contact, and steps aside to allow Tyler in.

"It still smells the same in here," the younger man mumbles as he's taking his shoes and his sweatshirt off. Josh notices that it's one of his own sweatshirts, and although he's a little irked since he's been looking for it, he doesn't say anything.

Josh also doesn't acknowledge Tyler's comment. "Does your dad know you're here?"

"Fuck no. He would've never let me leave if I had asked. I had to sneak out and catch a bus, just like the good ol' days."

Josh just... nods.

A few minutes of silence pass, and once Tyler's taken a seat at one of Josh's bar stools, he asks, "Why didn't you come see me?"

"I--I tried, a few times." Josh walks around his counter, heading towards his fridge for water, since he's suddenly feeling a little thirsty. "I was too scared. It's a shitty excuse."

"I won't argue with that. Now... why won't you look at me?"

"Whenever I look at you, I'm just _reminded_ of what happened, and it makes me feel sick."

"I don't remember any of it, y'know." Tyler doesn't sound mad at him, or really even upset at all. "I mean, I do, because I have nightmares about it, but the last thing I can solidly remember is you blowing me off when I asked you to go with me. From what I've heard, though, we had a pretty good time."

"It was, ah, pretty great. You should've been there."

Tyler snorts. "Right. Ashley said you kissed me in front of god and everyone. Is that true? I kind of don't believe her. You're usually so nitpicky about PDA."

"It's true, yeah."

Josh is visible shaking as he struggles to open a bottle of water, so Tyler finds himself sliding off of the bar stool, and walking over to him. He wraps his arms around him, hugging him, and whispering, "It's not your fault, Josh. I know you better than you think I do, and I know you're blaming yourself for everything. Shit happens, and it was _not_ your fault."

Josh returns the hug, hugging back tighter than he intended or expected. He's missed Tyler more than he can even express, and he has to wonder how the hell Tyler is so _calm_ about all of this, and how he's seemingly come to terms with everything that's happened. There's a part of Josh that never wants to let go of him, never wants to quit holding him. "I'm so glad you're alright. I was so fucking scared." His voice is all quiet and timid and Tyler swears this is the most emotional he's heard him.

***

Josh spends his night holding onto Tyler and trying not to start crying. Tyler shushes him and tries comforting him for as long as he can before he eventually falls asleep, and that night, for the first time in months, Tyler sleeps soundly, and Josh refuses to let go of him.

In the morning, Josh takes Tyler home, because he figures Tyler's father is worried sick about him, and, hey, he's had his time with Tyler, so, y'know, _it's time._

Josh is just expecting Tyler to get out of his car, and he expects that he's going to be able to just drive off and go home, but he gets stopped by Tyler's father, who essentially just tells him that he does _not_ want Josh seeing Tyler, nor does he want to see him there ever again.

***

Tyler tries going to Josh's apartment again, but the door gets slammed in his face after Josh tells him he never wants to see him again.

Tyler knew he was lying from the way his face wavered, and when he gets home again, he bellows, _“Christopher fucking Joseph!”_ up the stairs.

His father comes pretty much running down the stairs, worried that something might be wrong with Tyler.

“You told him never to see me again didn't you?” He has tear tracks down his face, and he's yelling probably the loudest he ever has before.

“It's what's best, Tyler. This is--is his fault. You would've never gotten into this mess if it wasn't for him.”

“He's not the one who swung a bat and hit me in the head! I _asked_ him to go to that prom with me. He fucking cares about me!”

“Tyler--” His dad goes to try hugging the boy, but Tyler shoves him away, knocking him into the stair rail.

The boy yells and screams and cries until he just _can't_ anymore, and after that, he goes to bed. That's about all he can do.

He doesn’t dream that night. He doesn’t really even rest. He’s just… unconscious, for the most part. At seven o’clock on the dot, he wakes up, and can’t even bring himself to get out of bed.

Josh. He’s gone. He’s alive and all, sure, but Tyler has seemingly lost him. _I love him and now I’m apparently not allowed to see him for some bullshit reason. I hate this. Why can’t I have that one thing? I can’t even go more than two days without having a panic attack, and I can barely leave my room. He’s the one good thing I have left._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3c


	11. Chapter 11

Josh is going over a few legal documents in his office when Debby, his lovely, hard ass assistant, pokes her head in, saying, "Hey, Josh? The Lebanese restaurant guy is here to talk to you, but it's not about his restaurant. Says it's something personal. Do you want me to send him in? He doesn't have an appointment."

Josh sits there for a moment, wondering what the hell Tyler's father could __possibly__ want from him, especially right now, so as he starts nervously tapping his pen, he simply says, "Send him in."

Josh sits there for three minutes before the man is rearing his head in his office. Stiffly, Josh is asking, "Why are you here?"

"I want you to take Tyler." His tone is blunt and he looks tired, too tired, especially considering he's barely in his forties, or Josh assumes, at least.

"Close the door," Josh instructs as he begins to clear his desk of paperwork and stray pens. While he's sticking a packet of papers into a drawer on his desk, he says, "Sit," with a quick finger pointed towards one of the chairs in front of his desk. "Now that you're seated, and now that my desk is cleared, would you mind telling me what the __fuck__ you're talking about?"

"He won't--he won't talk to anyone and he won't even leave his room unless he's hungry, needs to use the restroom, or unless I force him, and he's about as stubborn as an old mule, so that's a chore in and of itself. He doesn't trust __anyone__ either, not me, definitely not his mother, barely trusts Ashley, and she's his best friend for Christ's sake! I do know, __though,__ that he trusts __you."__

"So, what? Do you want me to be a stand-in therapist?" Josh gives the man a distasteful look as he leans back in his chair, crossing his legs and his arms.

"That's not what I said. He already has a therapist. If I had it my way, you'd never even __see__ him again, but, for whatever reason, you make him happy, and I think that keeping you from him wasn't the best choice. I want to do this for __him."__

"I went __out of my way__ to drive a wedge between the two of us __just__ to cater to your wishes; what makes you think he even wants anything to do with me?"

"He came home, chewed me out, just about socked me in the jaw, then yelled and screamed until he couldn't. Either he's unhealthily obsessed with you, or he's in love. Take your pick."

Josh presses his palms against his eyes, and Mr. Joseph keeps speaking.

"He needs someone who can care for him. You seem like a tight lipped sonuva bitch, but I __know__ you care about him. You look at him the exact same way I used to look at my wife."

"You're his father!" Josh raises his voice, obviously overwhelmed.

"I know I am, and this isn't about him needing a __parent.__ I've been trying, trust me, I really have, but he needs to put forth an effort too, which he hasn't been doing, and probably __won't,__ at least not now. With you, I know where he is, and I know he's safe."

"If I agree to this," Josh starts, "you're still paying for his doctor appointments, therapist appointments, and whatever other medical expenses he has." Josh gives him an even stare.

***

"Same rules as before," Josh starts as he opens the door to his apartment, letting Tyler follow him inside. "Clean up after yourself, don't get into my shit, do your homework, no bringing tricks here to fuck, and no waking me up at odd hours of the night because you're too hammered to be quiet."

"Alright," The eighteen year old responds meekly as he sets his backpack, which contains mostly clothes, onto the ground next to the bar stools in Josh's kitchen.

"New rules, too. No sleeping all day, because it's fucking depressing. At least get up and watch TV or something, Shower daily, please. If I catch one whiff of armpit that's older than two days, you're gonna hear about it. Eat regularly, too. I'm not saying get fat or anything, but I know you don't eat regularly, and you look like you need to put on weight anyways." Josh is meandering around his kitchen now, getting a scotch glass from one of the cupboards. Scotch tends to be his drink of choice.

Tyler takes a seat at one of the bar stools. "I'll try, I guess. It's just, uh... I've been pretty depressed lately for obvious reasons, and for awhile there I _couldn't_ exercise at all, or really even keep anything down.

"Your father told me. Look, I'm not expecting you to be perfect, but you need to try, alright?" Josh gives him a rare, soft look.

Tyler just nods, because if _Josh_ is saying that to him, then it must be true. "Where does that leave _us,_ then?"

Josh sighs as he's opening his freezer to grab his scotch. "I don't know?"

"You got any vodka?" Tyler asks, since _he_ kind of wants a drink before getting into the deep stuff.

Josh sets his scotch down on the counter next to his fridge, and peers into the back of the freezer before spotting an almost empty fifth of vodka. "I don't have _tons,_ but enough to at least get tipsy," he mumbles as he's bringing it to Tyler. "I have Sunny D and cranberry juice, if you want to mix it with anything."

"Cranberry juice," Tyler tells him. He waits until he's done making his own drink before he asks Josh a question. "Do you still, y'know... like me?"

Josh nods without making eye contact.

"I--I love you, Josh. I don't--I don't know if I'm in love with you, or anything like that, but I really, _really_ do love you."

"Are you sure about that?" Josh asks with a wry little laugh, sounding like he doesn't believe him.

"One hundred percent. I wouldn't lie about that, and I've had plenty of time to think, I guess." Tyler picks at one of his nails. "Can we just... go back to what we had? No labels, but still being a thing? I liked that."

"If that's what you want, then yeah."

"What about you? What do you want?"

"To be with you, I guess." Josh seems a little sheepish now. "Not... not monogamously, or anything, because, well, I'm _me,_ but you know what I mean."

Tyler leans forward, hand stretch across the counter, towards Josh. "Partners?"

"Thought you said no labels," Josh mutters, looking at Tyler's hand with a blank expression.

"C'mon, man, indulge me. I need a word that isn't too specific, but still specific enough for me to explain, if I have to."

Josh rolls his eyes a bit, but smiles a little bit as he shakes Tyler's hand. "Partners, then."

Tyler gets a sly look on his face after that. He's about halfway through his drink by now too. (He doesn't really like the taste of vodka, so he only put about a shot's worth into his drink.) "Do you wanna...? Y'know... go consummate this union?"

Josh snorts and fails to hold back a giggle and a wide, genuine grin. "Of course. I've missed you." he sets his glass down, which is empty, and steps around the counter to tug Tyler up and out of his seat. Josh pulls him close, kissing him sweetly, and Tyler reciprocates without hesitation. They don't take a whole lot of time working their way back to the bedroom, and once they're actually in the room, Josh is pulling away from the kiss, and mumbling, "Do you, um, want to like..."

"Wanna what?" Tyler has two hands about halfway up Josh's t-shirt, both of them frozen to their spot while he wants for Josh to continue.

"I--I don't know..." Josh gives Tyler another kiss, nice and slow, since that's easier than standing there awkwardly while he tries to gather his words. He doesn't pull back far enough to where he's able to make eye contact with Tyler as he finally gets it out. "I wanted to know if you wanted to top."

Tyler's immediate response is to bark out a laugh, mostly at the situation, and sort of at how Josh is acting.

Josh scoffs, takes a step back, and pinches Tyler in the arm. Not hard, of course, but still hard enough to get his point across. "Don't laugh at me, you dick!"

"Sweetie, c'mon, I'm not laughing at you." The pet name just _slips out,_ and it makes Josh groan and hide his face behind his hands. Tyler pries them away, though. "I just wasn't expecting you to say that. Also, I mean... you're _blushing._ You never blush. It's totally adorable."

Josh scrunches his face up for a few moments, and pecks Tyler on the lips.

"Are you sure, though? You're pretty fucking adamant on topping most of the time, and, well, my dick ain't exactly small." As an afterthought, Tyler mumbles, "Though, yours isn't either."

"I've been up close and personal with your dick plenty of times, Tyler," Josh tells him as Tyler's pulling his shirt over his head.

Tyler reaches for the hem of Josh's shirt, and tugs that off as well. "I know. I was there."

Josh rolls his eyes, and finds himself melting a little bit at the way Tyler pulls him down into a kiss. Tyler has a way of making him feel like maybe the world isn't such a terrible place after all. He has a way of making him feel shiny and new and not like he's the heartless addict everyone else thinks he is, and Josh loves that feeling a fuck of a lot more than he thought he would.

The two of them continue to make out for a little while, probably ten minutes or so, before Josh is on his back in only his briefs, and Tyler's walking across the bed on his knees, also only wearing his own underwear. As Tyler's settling himself between Josh's thighs, hands running up and down them, trying to subtly work him up, he asks, "Why do you suddenly want to let me top?"

Josh shrugs, looking up and into Tyler's eyes. He has a hand on his stomach, index finger picking at the bed of his thumbnail, and his other arm behind his head. "I trust you, I guess."

"So... this is, like... a trust thing?" Tyler asks, looking for clarification. He scoots closer, his hands migrating from Josh's thighs to his torso, basically caressing him, as a gesture of affection and intimacy.

"Kind of, yeah." Josh adjust his position a little awkwardly.

Tyler can see the look on Josh's face, like he's nervous and maybe even a little scared, and he can tell that there's more to it than he's letting on, but he doesn't push. He leans back, though, and motions for him to sit up. Josh asks him why, but Tyler shushes him and kisses him gently.

Josh pulls away from the kiss after a minute or two. "Don't you want to... y'know, get to it?"

"Of course I do. Everything in me wants to roll you over and fuck you into next week, but we haven't really seen each other in a long time, let alone slept together, and I know you don't bottom, like, ever, so I really don't want to just rush it. I want to take my time. Also, I mean... I don't think my fuckin'... Atrophied leg muscles have the capacity to do that first bit anyways."

Josh's voice takes on a scornful tone with what he says next. "What? You wanna _make love_ to me?"

"I know you're being a sarcastic asshole right now, but yeah, I do. Are you going to stop me?" Tyler gives him a challenging look, waiting for him to protest, _daring_ him to say something.

Josh makes a bit of a face and breaks eye contact, mumbling a quiet, "No."

"Alright then." Tyler gives him a smug little peck on the cheek, then nudges him back into a laying down position. After Tyler grabs a condom and Josh's preferred bottle of lube, he decides to make small talk, asking, "How often do you even bottom anyways?"

"The last time I bottomed was a few weeks before I turned twenty four."

 _"Seriously?"_ Tyler looks shocked. "I mean, I know you're all... large and in charge, but... _six years?"_

"My last experience with bottoming wasn't exactly _pleasant,_ dude," Josh defends himself. "Have you ever even topped anyone anyways?"

"A few times, yeah. Like I said when we first met--I'm versatile. I haven't had any complaints, either." Tyler smiles softly, and scoots back enough to where he's able to pull Josh's briefs off with ease. He takes a few seconds to tug his own off as well before returning to where he was between the man's legs. "Anyways, are you absolutely _sure_ you wanna, y'know... go through with this?"

Josh nods. "I'm sure. I've had intentions of getting railed for at least a few days now anyways." Josh shrugs, and lies there, not moving, aside from continuing to pick at his thumbnail, just waiting for Tyler to make a move.

Tyler leans down and kisses Josh, which is something he's never going to get tired of. Josh is barely hard, if at all, and Tyler sort of wants him to the point of squirming and begging, rather than being soft and not enjoying it. He starts with his hand around Josh's soft cock, slick with a bit of lube, since dry hand jobs suck, and since Tyler is a firm believer in, like, not dry hand jobs.

He works his hand slow, relishing in some of the soft sighs he's getting from his partner, and trying his best not to smirk at the way Josh is just absolutely eating up the attention. Tyler does allow himself a smug grin when Josh accidentally whines as he's pulling away from the kiss to trail his lips down Josh's body. Tyler takes his time doing that, sucking hickeys into the pale freckled flesh of Josh's chest, even taking the time to pay extra attention to Josh's nipples, sucking and nipping at either of them, knowing it's one of those things that gets the man riled up, before leaving another trail of hickeys down his stomach until he's reached the fine line of hair that leads from his navel. At this point, Josh is hard, and leaking onto Tyler's fist, which is still slowly working him. With a teasing grin thrown up at Josh, Tyler says, "I can still stop, if you want."

Josh's head shoots up from his pillows, and he gives Tyler the dirtiest look he can manage. "If you stop, I _will_ kick you out. You _cannot_ tease me like this, then say that."

Tyler grins and giggles and nips at the flesh on Josh's hip before he has his lips wrapped around the tip of his cock, which is painfully red, making Tyler almost feel bad about teasing him. (Almost.) He starts to shallowly bob his head, stroking whatever he can't easily fit into his mouth with his left hand, as he feels around towards his right for the bottle of lube. Josh is moaning lowly and quietly in the back of his throat.

Tyler finds it eventually, and has to take Josh's cock out of his mouth so he can see what he's doing as he pours a little bit of the lube onto his fingers. Tyler has to adjust his position before he presses the tip of one of his lube soaked fingers against Josh's tight hole, only slowly sliding it in after a permissive nod. Josh winces a little bit, and in response to that, Tyler's mouth finds itself on Josh's cock again. He moves his finger around for a bit, rubbing and stroking at Josh's walls until his finger brushes against a certain _spot._

Josh rolls his hips a little bit, and lets out a quiet, "Oh, fuck," before he's moving the back of his arm against his mouth to muffle himself.

Tyler keeps rubbing at the same spot for awhile, until Josh is getting him in the side with one of his legs, which is when he gets the hint to slide in another finger. Tyler mentally applauds himself on his multitasking skills, since he's going down on Josh at the same time as he's fingering him. Tyler does pull his mouth from Josh's dick eventually, even going so far as to kiss the tip of it, just so he can say, "Josh, you're allowed to make noise, y'know."

Josh lets out a sigh and makes a face. "It's embarrassing."

"Right, right. You have no problem making noise when you're in my position, and, also, I mean, if I can call you 'daddy' while letting you pull my hair and spanking me, while _also_ taking your dick like a champ, then I think you can stand to make a little noise." Tyler watches Josh's face, smiling at him a little bit when the man rolls his eyes and adjust one of his legs.

After that, though, Josh allows himself to be a little more vocal. Tyler works his fingers in and out of him at a faster pace, eventually working him up to three fingers, drawing long and guttural noises out of him. Tyler likes watching as he gets more and more into it. It's cute.

Tyler keeps those actions up, fucking Josh on his fingers, sucking at his cock, and letting the man pull and tug at his hair, up until Josh hits his breaking point, pathetically saying, "Will you just fuck me already?"

"Patience, young grasshopper," Tyler says in a silly tone as he slowly pulls his fingers out of his partner, wiping them on the sheets.

"I'm eleven and a half years older than you, you shit." Josh scoffs, but still has a teeny tiny little grin on his face.

Tyler sticks his tongue out at him before he's tearing open the packet that the condom comes in, rolling it onto his own cock, and drizzling lube onto it. "You're still cool with everything that's happening, right?"

Josh nods. "Yeah, I am." He lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding when Tyler grips his hips with his hands, which are more rough to the touch than Josh was expecting, pulling him close, and he lets out a bit of a hissing noise when Tyler starts pressing the tip of his cock into his hole. "Slow, slow," he's saying as he places his hands on Tyler's waist, since he doesn't really know where else to put them.

Tyler nods, and runs a hand through Josh's hair, kissing him on the lips gently. "I know, J, I know. I'm going as slow as I can."

Josh doesn't need the reassurance, or, well, he doesn't think so, at least, but he still finds that he feels grateful when Tyler's pretty much whispering, "It'll feel good soon. You're already doing so good," into one of his ears.

Tyler, himself, is surprised at how _normal_ everything feels. He figured topping Josh would've felt weird, given that the man is a solid five inches taller than him, at least, and that he's way more muscular, but it just _doesn't._ It really doesn't. A lot of things with Josh feel about as natural as breathing to Tyler.

He spends awhile lazily kissing Josh after he bottoms out, relishing in the feeling of Josh's hands roaming all over his back, occasionally copping a feel of his ass, and once he's getting the okay, he starts thrusting his hips about as slow as molasses.

Josh lets out the cutest little gasps (at least in Tyler's opinions) that turn into the softest, sweetest, barely there moans. Tyler keeps his pace deliberately slow, mostly for Josh's sake, and partly for the sake of his own leg muscles, but as he starts picking the pace up, the moans and muttered curse words spilling from Josh's pretty lips grow in quantity and volume.

Things still feel normal, but at the same time, seeing Josh so _vulnerable,_ putting so much of his trust into Tyler's hands, is still _weird._ Tyler doesn't find the feeling unwelcome, not at all, but he's never had Josh open up to him like this before. (Figuratively.) It's just... _odd._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3  
> also if youre enjoying this fic  
> i do... have tumblr  
> @ creion


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY PRIDE LMAO  
> TOPS BACK AND BRENDONS PAN IM SO HAPPY TODAY  
> LIKE NOTHING WILL RUIN MY MOOD

Tyler doesn't fully realize how much if a stink he raised from being the victim of a hate crime in a notoriously republican state until after a verdict has been reached during the trial. It wasn't a very long trial--a few days, if that, but Tyler still finds himself pushing past a group of reporters, trying not to start crying, as he stepping out of a courthouse, tailed closely by his father, his lawyer who's named Jenna and who is apparently married to Josh's assistant, Pete, Ashley, _Brendon_ even, and then, finally, Josh, who wasn't even planning to show up to the damn thing in the first place.

The kid's attorney copped a plea deal; if he pleaded guilty to simple assault, the court wouldn't seek a prison sentence. The judge went for it, and he was sentenced to five hundred hours of community service and two years of unsupervised probation. It wasn't considered a hate crime, since _someone, somewhere_ cited a lack of evidence. The kid gets off with a slap on the wrist.

***

Somehow, everyone ends up at Josh's apartment, save for Tyler's lawyer, who went home, mumbling something about her son before giving Josh somewhat of a dirty look.

Anyways--Brendon, Ashley, Tyler's father, and Pete are all crammed into Josh's living room, and Tyler reaches the end of his tether just as he's shouting, "Will all of you just fucking _go home?!"_ He's looking between everyone, save for Josh, since Josh lives there and since Josh is the only one Tyler has the patience to be around at the moment.

Ashley stands up and tries to go near him, since she knows she's one of the only people Tyler trusts at the moment, but Tyler moves away just as quick. She still asks him to sit down and chill.

 _"Chill?_ Really? The guy who almost _killed me_ just got off with a slap on the fucking _wrist,_ and you're telling me to _chill?_ Are you _fucking kidding me?!_ You know what would help me _chill?_ What would help me chill is if all of you would just fucking _go home,_ and quit _babying me!"_

"Maybe if you weren't acting like a fucking infant about all of this, then _maybe_ we'd stop babying you, Tyler."

Tyler's head whips towards Brendon, and it takes him less than a few seconds before he's marching over to where the man his sitting so he can reel back, and slap him across the face.

Josh is up pretty fucking quickly after that, and he grabs Tyler by the shoulder so he can pull him away from Brendon, and so he can mutter, "Go to a different room," into his ear. Once Tyler's gone, Josh makes eye contact with Brendon, and bends down towards him to say, "You are thirty goddamn years old," through clenched teeth. "You _know better_ than to say unfair shit like that." He doesn't give Brendon a chance to respond before he's turning towards everyone else in the room. _"All of you_ need too leave before I call the cops on all of you for trespassing, and before I call my attorney."

***

Josh sits on the side of his bed that Tyler's claimed for himself. One of his hands is on Tyler's shoulder blade as he cries into a pillow. "I got them to leave. Also, I'm going to have a _word_ with Brendon at some point. He can be a nice guy when he wants to, but sometimes he just doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut."

Tyler just nods into the pillow that his face is smushed into. While Josh is taking his blazer and his tie off, Tyler starts babbling, all muffled and pathetic. "The past three months of--of my life have been--have been fucking _hell_ because of--because of _him--_ and--and then _this."_

Josh climbs over Tyler so he can lay on the other side of him. He has an arm over Tyler's back, and his face pressed against one of Tyler's shoulders. His voice is softer than he intended it to be, and quieter as well, as he replies to him. "I know, buddy. I wish I could fix it for you."

Tyler rolls onto his side, to where he's facing Josh, and once Josh has adjusted his own position to where they can lie next to each other comfortably, Tyler speaks again. "I just--I thought he'd get a prison sentence--or--or _something_ but he just--he _didn't--_ and it's such _bullshit."_

"It's unfair."

"This wouldn't have happened if I wasn't gay." At this point, Josh actually takes in Tyler's face. His eyes are puffy and bloodshot, and his cheeks are flushed and splotchy. "If I was straight, he would've been charged with battery and thrown in fucking prison."

"If I knew what was going on other than the fact that you were potentially dying in my arms, I would've told the police officers it was literally a hate crime. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, so don't start." Tyler sighs, and reaches a hand up so he can wipe at his nose. "It's 2001, you know? It isn't the fucking fifties anymore."

Josh scoots closer and tugs Tyler forward until he can hold him against his chest. "I know." Josh rubs his back a little bit. "I wish I had more to say."

Tyler shakes his head, and tightens his hold on Josh. "I don't want you feeding me a bunch of shit, so don't worry. Though... I do want you to let me borrow one of your t-shirts."

Josh scoffs a little bit. "Why?"

"Because you're way bigger than I am, and all of mine are too tight."

"You callin' me fat?" Josh is joking, and Tyler realizes that when he sees Josh's raised eyebrows after the man moves back a little bit to look at him.

"No, but you're five inches taller than me, you're muscular, and I'm underweight as fuck. I dunno. You're a pretty big guy, alright? I'm small and dainty."

Josh rolls his eyes and cracks a bit of a grin. He kisses Tyler on the forehead before he's up and rummaging through his closet, eventually throwing a _Rush_ shirt in Tyler's direction.

Once Tyler's out of his own clothes and pulling Josh's t-shirt on, Josh realizes that, even after having been crying, he looks adorable in the shirt. Josh doesn't voice this thought.

***

During the first week of June, the usual crew piles into Pete's living room. The usual crew consists of Josh, Tyler, Pete, Patrick, Brendon, and, more recently, Ashley, Josh's assistant, Debby, and Jenna, who moonlights as Tyler's lawyer. Tyler's father is there as well, but he's generally not included in the _usual crew._

Tyler's groaning and scrunching his face up a little bit as he asks, "Did you _seriously_ join PFLAG?"

"Yes, Tyler. I'm proud to have a gay son, and I don't care who knows it, alright?" Tyler gets a pointed look out of him, causing Tyler to just squint and to avert his gaze as he leans back into Josh's chest, who is sitting behind him, on the floor, against the front of one of the armchairs in Pete's apartment. Ashley's behind Josh, and in a way, Tyler figures it's not too far of a stretch to say she's sort of a third party in the friendship Tyler has with Josh. Or maybe Josh is the third party. Who knows.

Josh messes Tyler's hair up, much to the younger's displeasure, saying, "At least your dad loves you, Tyler."

"Yours doesn't even know you're gay, so fuck off, Josh."

Pete rolls his eyes and shushes everyone. "What are we all doing for pride?"

In unison, Tyler and Brendon both say, "I'm not going."

"Tyler, you're going, and you're marching with your dad and the rest of his PFLAG chapter. Brendon, I don't give a shit about what you do, but you should go." Pete's looking back and forth between them with a stern look on his face.

"What do I even have to be proud of? I almost got killed for being gay, and my own mother kicked me out of my home for it too."

"You should be proud of the fact that you're alive, and we all know there's nothing wrong with being gay, so quit being a dick," Brendon snaps.

"Calm the fuck down and crawl out of my ass." Tyler gives him a dirty look.

Josh snorts from behind him.

Tyler cranes his head back to look up at the man. "Are you going, or are you going to pull your usual move of skipping out on everything?"

He shrugs, not giving Tyler a straight answer, and Tyler decides not to press the issue.

"What about the lesbians?" Brendon pipes up.

 _"Well,_ if Jenna wasn't being an ass about it, either of us would be in the parade."

"I just think it's... improper to walk around in that _get up_ you were talking about, alright? Not as if I'm in perfect shape either."

"I have me a belly full of stretchmarks, and I'm still doing it."

Tyler tries not to grin at their interaction. He finds it sort of cute.

"Quit being a square, Jenna." Patrick speaks for the first time since everyone had piled into the room. _"I'm_ going in drag. If I can go in drag, then you can do whatever it is Deb wants you to do."

"Wait wait wait--hold up-- _you?_ In _drag?"_

"Yes, Tyler. Me. In drag."

"I can't see it."

Pete makes some weird noise before grinning a shit eating little grin before he's rushing to a different room and coming back out with a stack of pictures from a disposable camera in his hand. He hand them to Tyler. "These are from last year. He looked so awesome."

 _"Pete!"_ Patrick marches over to snatch the pictures from Tyler, who just giggles.

"Hey, listen, Pete's right. You look pretty awesome."

***

"I'm not doing it, Josh."

"Your dad is right there. Go march with him or I'm gonna kick you out."

"For one thing, you _wouldn't,_ and for another, why aren't _you_ marching with anyone?"

"My parents are both god fearing homophobes who wouldn't be caught _dead_ marching in a pride parade, let alone being in PFLAG in the first place, and your dad isn't my dad, so go march with him before he's too far ahead for you to catch up."

Tyler makes a face, and whines childishly before smacking a kiss onto Josh's cheek, and promptly trotting over to his dad. He gets a side hug and a grin shot his way. "Glad you tucked your tail and got over here."

"Figured it was better than listening to Josh piss and moan about the heat and about no one hitting on him," Tyler mutters.

His father chuckles and smirks just a little bit, and the two of them walk in silence, up until there's a drag queen walking on the other side of Tyler. Well, it's still quiet, but Tyler keeps looking at the person since, he, or, well, maybe she, looks familiar. It only clicks in his head when the woman on the other side of them is saying, _"Brendon,_ oh my _god,"_ then something else in a different language that isn't English. The name alone makes Tyler let out a wheezing laugh.

Brendon turns to give him a fiercely dirty look. "If you tell _anyone,_ I'll beat you up. I swear."

"I don't give a shit, dude. Why are you in drag?" Tyler's still laughing.

"Patrick couldn't come for some reason or another, and Pete holds a little power over me." After this, Brendon introduces Tyler to the lady on the other side of him, saying, "Tyler, this is my mother. She's the president of the PFLAG chapter your dad's in. Mom, this is Tyler, Josh's partner that I've told you about."

Tyler's surprised that he has enough coordination to reach in front of Brendon, while still walking, to shake the woman's hand. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Urie."

She makes a face and waves Tyler off. "Please just call me Grace."

***

There's music blaring up and down the block, and present time, Tyler is in one of the bars, finishing off a beer he'd copped from Josh. When he goes to walk away, Josh grabs his arm. "Where ya goin'?"

"To go hook up with someone." Tyler shrugs, and tries pulling his arm free, but Josh isn't budging.

The man pouts a little. "C'mon, have another beer with me."

Tyler snorts. "Josh, it's _pride,_ and the entire street is swarming with queers. I _know_ you. Go find some cute boy, ask him back to your place, then fuck him for me, alright?"

Tyler doesn't catch the dejected look Josh gives him, but the man does startle the shit out of him once he's on the street. _"Hey, cutie,"_ There's arms being thrown over his shoulders from behind, and Tyler just thinks, _'You have got to be kidding me.'_

He turns around. "Josh, what the hell are you doing?"

"Asking a cute boy back to my place."

Tyler looks around the crowded street, to make absolutely sure Josh is talking to _him_ and not someone else. "Seriously? You aren't going to try finding some other hot guy?"

"I could do that any day of the week, Ty."

Tyler scoffs. "You're unbelievable sometimes." He pulls Josh into a kiss, and spiritually smirks when he hears a handful of people cheering and egging them on.


	13. Chapter 13

Josh is the kind of person who doesn't like to let other people see him vulnerable. Tyler's an exception, of course, but they're also, like, _together,_ and aside from Tyler, he doesn't let anyone see him vulnerable. Hell, he rarely even lets _Tyler_ see him vulnerable, and he lives with the dude for Christ's sake.

It's the second time he's asked Tyler to top, because whether or not he wants to admit it, he's sort of just craving _intimacy,_ and not in an entirely sexual way either. He likes the way it makes him feel. He likes how it makes his face flush and how it makes his heart race. He likes that it makes him _feel_ something other than vague resentment at nothing in particular.

Of course, he also thinks it's stupid and unnecessary to feel like that, but somewhere deep down in his soul, he sorta likes it.

Tyler's so... gentle and caring. He's almost the exact opposite of what Josh is. It's not as if Josh is, like, _rough_ or _mean_ or anything, but it's more like he never really takes sex that seriously, at least from an emotional standpoint.

So, alright--on a good day, Josh will admit it at least to himself that they're making love. He hates that term with every fiber of his being, but that's what this is. Tyler's a fucking romantic, and he's dragging Josh down with him.

"I don't--I don't know what to do with my hands," Josh admits, quietly. It's the first time he's really even said anything other than giving Tyler verbal consent the, like, ten times the younger man had asked. He's usually not chatty during sex, but he's awkward and a little nervous, and even Josh, the biggest asshole in the world (or so everyone thinks), the guy who isn't supposed to have emotions or do anything that's even remotely considered human, still tends to run his mouth a bit when he's awkward or nervous or both.

Tyler slows down, and comes to a complete stop. "Uh. I'm trying to think of what I usually do... Oh! Um. Well, shit." Tyler leans back, until he's sitting upright, Josh's legs still around his hips. "I mean... Usually I scratch your back up a bit, and I bite your shoulders, _buuut_ you also tend to fuck me within an inch of my life, whereas that's not, like, really my main goal right now. I dunno if I've said this, or if I really even need to, but you know you're allowed to touch me, right...? I mean, even when I'm _not_ being fucked within an inch of my life, I still at least like to have my hands on the person, or if I'm on my stomach or on all fours or whatever, I do like to hold onto bed sheets and pillows. Just... do whatever you're comfortable with, I guess."

"Can you just--can you tell me what to do? I don't know what to do right now. Usually this situation is the other way around."

Tyler nods, and adjusts his position to where he's hovering over Josh again. He has himself propped up on his right forearm, and his other hand is barely ghosting down Josh's side until it comes to a rest on the man's hip. Tyler adjusts his own hips in the tiniest little thrust that draws an even tinier gasp from Josh. "Josh, look at me, and I don't mean stare at the bit of ceiling to the left of my head. I mean make eye contact with me."

Josh flicks his eyes over to where he can look Tyler in the eye. He doesn't usually make eye contact during sex unless he wants to assert his dominance or some other macho bullshit that he likes to tell himself.

"I know you wouldn't ever have the gall to tell _me_ this, but you do know that I love you, right?"

Josh nods a little meekly, letting out a quiet, "I know." He knows that Tyler loves him more than anything. There's a part of him that wants to say, "I love you too," back to Tyler, but the words catch in his throat and he ends up saying, "Kiss me. Please."

It's the simplest thing, but Tyler knows what Josh means. He can tell what Josh means and he knows that this is probably all the affection he's going to get out of the man, at least for the next month, so he just takes the bait and dips his head down to kiss the man on the lips, firmly, as he begins to start thrusting again.

Josh ends up with his hands on Tyler's face, keeping him within kissing distance.

***

Once they're finished, and once they're both cleaned up, Josh is basically putty in Tyler's hands. Josh himself isn't being overly affectionate, but he's doing what he does when he wants _Tyler_ to be affectionate with _him._

So, Tyler lays there, running his fingers through Josh's hair once the man has tucked himself into his side. He feels somehow flattered when he feels the man gradually relaxing, and more so when he hears him snoring slightly. Josh doesn't snore very much, but he does have a deviated septum that makes a bit of a whistling sound whenever he's asleep or breathing through his nose. (Tyler's noticed that Josh's lips are always parted a little bit due to the fact that he breathes through his mouth, and, alright, Tyler gets that he's insecure about his stupid deviated septum, but it's something that he thought was important enough to remember.)

About thirty minutes pass until there's a knocking at the door. Tyler had dozed off, and he jerks awake. He's a light sleeper, whereas Josh isn't, so he barely manages to get out of the bed without disturbing Josh. He's quick about getting into the drawer that's reserved for his underwear on Josh's dresser so he can pull on a fresh pair of boxers.

He slips out of the room and shuts the door behind him as he walks down the hallway, through part of the dining room/kitchen area, until he's by the door. He looks through the peep hole, and groans when he sees that it's Brendon. He's about to just ignore the door, but as soon as he starts walking away, there's three very loud and pointed knocks, so he just gives in and swings the door open.

"What do you want?"

"Is Josh home? I'd prefer to talk to him myself." Brendon gives Tyler a distasteful look that just earns him a roll of the eyes from the boy.

"He's home, but he's asleep."

"Really? He's usually up until at least one."

"Well, he's not today. He doesn't sleep that much so I'd, personally, prefer it if you just left."

Brendon sighs and shifts on his feet. "It's something important. Can you wake him up or something?"

"He's an ass when he gets woken up, and like I said, he doesn't sleep that much, so, _again,_ I'd prefer it if you left."

"I mean _important_ as in it can't wait."

Tyler takes a deep breath and mentally recites the serenity prayer to himself before stepping back and telling Brendon to stay put.

"He's _my_ best friend. I think I can walk through his apartment."

Tyler whirls around and marches up to Brendon. "It's _his_ apartment, not yours, and he's not the only person who lives here anymore. _I'm_ not comfortable with you just marching into _my home_ acting like you own the place, so _stay put."_

Tyler glares at him, not up at him or down at him since they're about the same height, and once he's at least ninety percent sure Brendon's going to listen to him, he stalks off back towards Josh's bedroom. (Or, well, his bedroom too, technically, considering he sleeps in there most nights.)

Tyler shuts the door behind him, gently, and kneels next to the side of the bed Josh is on. He reaches a hand out to touch his hair, trying to be as gentle as possible about waking him up, because if he _isn't_ gentle or nice about it, the attitude Josh tends to cop with him is, like, ten times worse, if not more so.

"You better have a good reason as to why you're waking me up right now," Josh grumbles as he bats Tyler's hand away from him.

"Brendon's here and he wants to talk to you about something. I can't get him to leave, so I'm assuming it's important. I mean, _I_ wanted to let you sleep, but he's a dick."

Josh lets out a long suffering sigh. "Wanna take bets on what he wants?"

"The last time he was here, he was pissed and ranting about whatever to you, so I'm going to guess that this time it's about money. He has a pattern. One week it's because he wants to use you as his emotional punching bag, then the next he's short on a bill or something."

Josh grunts in response to him. "You're probably right. Go ask him what he wants. I'm gonna take a shower." Josh rolls over and sits up with his face in his hands for a few moments before taking a deep breath, and stumbling out of the bed and making his way towards his bathroom.

***

"Alright, look--I hate being the go between for the two of you, but Josh wants to know why you're here." Tyler's taping his fingers against the wall, waiting for an answer.

"Like I said--can I just talk to him myself?"

"Not when he asked _me_ to ask _you_ why you're here."

"I don't want you knowing things about me." Tyler rolls his eyes into the back of his head.

"He's probably going to tell me anyways, so just cut the shit. Quit being a brat."

"I need money, alright?"

***

Josh has his checkbook and a pen in hand by the time he's stepping into his living room. Tyler's in the bedroom watching TV, having muttered something about not having the patience to even look at Brendon.

As Josh is getting seated on his couch, he asks, "How much do you need?"

Josh is expecting to write a check for maybe a few hundred dollars at most, but he's wrong, and he finds that out when Brendon's saying, "Five thousand," in an unsure tone, sounding more like a question than a statement.

Josh just... blinks. "Excuse me? You expect me to write you a check for _five grand_ when you hardly even fucking _speak_ to me?"

"I, ah, sort of quit my job and spent my savings on a record store."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you just say that you _quit your job,_ and spent your savings on a _record store?"_

"Look--my boss saw me at Pride, in _drag,_ and he was giving me shit about it, so I quit. I walked to that one record store I always used to go to when I was a kid, and the guy told me he was selling it to chase down some pipe dream down in Miami, so I wrote him a check for ten grand and he went for it. My only problem is that I have eight in my account, and I'm probably going to, like, need some funds to get started with...?"

"Next thing I know you're going to be asking me for a fucking kidney," Josh grumbles as he's scribbling out the check. As he's handing the check to Brendon, he says, "You can't keep doing weird shit like this."

"Why not? Everyone has to start somewhere," Brendon defends himself as he takes the check, folding it up and putting it into his wallet.

"Don't worry about paying me back, by the way. I _pity_ you. You're going to need the extra money."

"Gee, Josh, thanks for the vote of confidence."

***

Patrick's poking around Brendon's newly acquired record store, muttering, "As an accountant, I'm going to tell you right off the bat that this isn't a good investment."

"How about as one of my best friends?" Brendon's currently fiddling with the cash register, trying to figure it out, since it's one of those _new_ registers with security mechanisms.

"Oh, as one of your friends, I think this place is pretty cool, and that you have a pretty big set of balls to be doing this."

"It's going to take some work and more money to get it fixed up," Brendon mumbles.

"You're working on getting a business license, right?"

"Yeah." Brendon steps around the counter, mentally saying to hell with the register, figuring he may as well try to get some sort of start with the records lying around. "Christ, none of this shit is even sorted. I don't know how this place managed to keep its doors open for so long."

"There's Frampton with Bach over here. It's pretty bad, dude. You've got a mess on your hands."

"Think Tyler's desperate enough for cash that he'd help me sort everything for a twenty or something?"

"Brendon, dude, Josh would give him a hundred if he so much as asked. He's smart and _will_ milk you for all you got, and twenty ain't gonna cut it," Patrick comments nonchalantly.

"He's such a little shit." Brendon makes a face, and frowns. It's been a little under a year since he met Tyler, and unsurprisingly, he still doesn't like him.

"And you're kind of an asshole to him."

"Shut up. You're just a catty fag."

"That's like the pot calling the kettle black."

Brendon sticks his middle finger up at Patrick.

***

"I only have fifty extra bucks, and I need help sorting everything."

"Seventy, and I want a favor." Tyler leads back in his side of the booth at the diner, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Sixty, and it depends on what you need."

"Fine. I'm working on putting together an EP, and you can listen to it to make sure it's good once it's finished, but when it _is,_ I want you to sell it in your store."

"What's your genre?"

Tyler shrugs. "I don't have one."

"Tyler--"

"Look, it's _good,_ and I'd probably mark it as 'alternative' but it's not _specific,_ okay? Anyways, on the off chance I get famous, you're going to get a lot of business out of it."

Brendon squints at him. _"Fine._ You better be right about it being good." He throws a fifty and a ten onto the table. "Tomorrow around eight in the morning, alright?"

"Can I have the address, or do you expect me to use my spooky queer powers to find it?"

"Smart ass." Brendon pulls a pen out of his jacket pocket and scribbles the address onto a napkin. "I have shit to do today, but, uh, yeah. That's it. Thanks."

***

Josh picks up the Walkman Tyler had thrown at him. "What do you want me to do with this?"

"Turn it on and listen. I put new batteries in it and everything."

"Why?"

"Josh, just do it. You're just watching Days Of Our Lives reruns anyways. This is _way_ better."

Once Josh nods and mutters, "Alright," Tyler's quick to get out of the apartment altogether, since he's supposed to go help Brendon sort records anyways.

***

Tyler has a stack of Foreigner albums in his hands when he asks Brendon why he hates him.

"I don't _hate_ you, I guess, but I don't _like_ you like everyone else does."

"What the fuck is _that_ supposed to mean?" Tyler's not mad, or anything like that, and his tone conveys it. "'Like everyone else does?'"

"Well--everyone seems to just _like_ you. Pete treats you like you're his own kid, since, really, he is old enough to be your fuckin' father, Patrick never has anything bad to say about you, and even _Ryan_ liked you to some extent, and he hated everyone I talked to! Not to mention _Josh--"_

"Is it because I stole Josh away from you that you don't like me?"

"That's part of it. You haven't exactly been the friendliest person to me either."

"Because you've been an asshole since you met me, dude. I can count on my left hand the number of times you've outwardly been nice to me."

"You were a dick first," Brendon retorts with a scoff as he walks around Tyler to put a copy of _Agents of Fortune_ in its place.

"I was _not._ My first significant interaction with you was when I ran into you at Vista few weeks after I met Josh. All I wanted want to go get railed by one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen, to this day, but you pretty much crawled up my ass the second you saw me."

"You really think he's that gorgeous?" Brendon gives Tyler a once over with a distasteful look on his face.

"Don't you?" Tyler counters, expression pointed and eyebrows raised.

"I mean, _yeah,_ he's attractive. I'm not blind, bro. His personality ruins it sometimes, though."

"How so?" Tyler's not stupid--he knows that Josh is kind of a massive asshole to pretty much everyone but he also loves him and all that mushy shit, so he's biased.

"He's a fucking asshole." Brendon pretty much echoes Tyler's thoughts. "He never has a nice thing to say about anyone, and he only looks out for himself."

"I mean, you're right about him being an asshole, but there's a lot more to him than you seem to think."

"What do you see in him, then?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Tyler gives him another pointed look.

"I haven't the _foggiest,"_ Brendon lies through his teeth. Again, Tyler isn't stupid.

"Alright, _Granny._ You totally know what I'm getting at."

"Whatever. Point is, you're _young._ You could have any number of more decent guys than Josh, yet you choose him. _Why?"_ Brendon turns around and grabs a stack of mismatched albums from the shelf behind him, and starts walking around that part of the store, putting those things in their places.

"Because--he's just _Josh._ I could wax poetic about him all day. Y'know, when I first met all of you, the first thing anyone told me was to stay away from him, but, honestly...? He's been pretty fucking good to me. Like, _sure,_ he has a fuck ton of problems and he's the furthest thing from perfect, but at the end of the day, we care about each other, _I_ love him, and I'm pretty sure he's at least fond of me."

"He's so irritable and moody, though. How do you deal with that shit? I can't even talk to him without him snapping at me at least once."

"You think he doesn't snap at me? I think the difference here is I recognize that he has boundaries and that there's certain things that he does and doesn't like, whereas you write it off as him being an asshole. All of you think he's this rough and tough hard ass, and that he just hates everything, but that's not necessarily true. Sure, there's--there's been times that I question why I'm even in a relationship with him in the first place, usually whenever we fight, but then we'll at least have somewhat of a talk, and then we'll go in the bedroom and have slow and sweet sex and he _somehow_ makes me feel so fucking _loved_ and then I realize that, yeah, I just fucking love him. I put up with a lot of his shit, and I think it's worth it."

"You're the closest thing to a boyfriend he's had in at least six years."

"He doesn't talk about any of his past boyfriends, aside from offhand comments here and there." Tyler shrugs, and moves on to a different shelf. "I kind of want to ask, because I feel like there's more to it, but at the same time it's kind of none of my business, so I don't."

"His last boyfriend--before you--was an asshole. I don't know what happened between them, but their break up was super fucking messy, and whatever it was that happened between them--it changed him. He used to not be so much of an asshole, but something happened, they broke up, and he just... got weird. I don't know how else to explain it. I tried asking him about it around the time, because we were living together and when you live with someone, especially for as long as we lived together--full disclosure is kind of necessary. He would never tell me what the fuck happened though, and almost punched me over it, so I quit asking."

"He has a lot of trust issues," Tyler mumbles. "I think his issue with everyone is less that he's... an asshole, and more that he just--he doesn't trust anyone very easily."

"Does he trust you?"

"I'd like to think so, yeah. This is stupid--and I probably shouldn't be telling you this--but sometimes he lets me top. It's--it's not like I go up to him all like--" Tyler makes his voice go as deep as it can, "-- _"I wanna fuck your tight little asshole,"_ but he gets all cute and shy and hints at it, and he straight up told me the first time he asked that it's because he trusts me. And you'd think it'd be weird, right? I'm, what, five nine, and he's six two? He's all beefy and I'm still skinny and my muscles aren't what they were before I was in the hospital--you'd totally think that it'd be weird, but it's really not."

"Are we--are we talking about the same Josh? Like, _our_ Josh? Bottoming?"

"You think I wasn't shocked? I'll be real with you--most of the time he's the one fucking me senseless, but sometimes he just asks me if I wanna, y'know, _top,_ and like I said--he gets all cute about it. I should shut up before I jinx it, though, because knowing my shit luck, he's never gonna ask again." Tyler's not at all smooth about wanting to change the topic.

"You probably don't want my opinion--" Brendon starts a few minutes later.

"--you're right, I probably don't--"

"--but I still think he's too old for you."

Tyler shrugs. He and Josh have had plenty of conversations about their age difference, and Tyler's talked about it with Ashley and even his fucking dad a handful of times as well, and it doesn't bug him. It never really did. "So? I still think Ryan was a little too old for you."

"Okay, but, I was twenty nine and he was thirty five. Josh has almost twelve years on you. It's not appropriate."

"I couldn't give less of a shit."

"Added, I also still think you're too good for him."

Tyler wants to groan. He doesn't understand why the fuck Brendon can't just _drop it._ "He's too good for _you._ You treat him like shit, Brendon."

"I do _not."_

Tyler scoffs at the audacity of this man. He sets a few records down so he can put his hands on his hips. _"Really?_ You're going out of your way to talk about him, behind his back, to his _partner_ of all people, trying to drive a wedge between the two of us, and on top of that, you only talk to him if you want something, or if you want to use him as an emotional punching bag. You're always putting him down, too, and you criticize everything he does instead of trying to support him and treat him like an actual human fucking being."

"He treats _me_ like shit too."

"He does _whatever_ you ask him to-- _shit,_ he gave you _five thousand dollars_ for no good reason other than you asked, and you barely even thanked him. He's been your shoulder to cry on whenever you've had shitty boyfriends, or during the whole _Ryan_ debacle, and the only time I know of that you've been there for him was when _I_ just about had my head bashed in. Anyways, you were saying?"

Tyler almost laughs at how fast Brendon breaks eye contact with him.

"That's what I fucking thought. Why do you think he's nice to me? Maybe if you were nicer to him, then he'd be nicer to you. It's not hard to be a decent person."

Their conversation cuts off there as the definition of beauty walks in. Brendon seems to lose any dislike for Tyler and seems to forget what they were even talking about when he leans over to whisper, "Gay or straight?" into his ear as he points to the man who's poking around the store.

"Straight," Tyler whispers back. "Wranglers, plaid button down, and Nikes? Total breeder wear, dude. Though, if we're being fair... The leather jacket is throwing me off. _I'm_ gonna go hit on him." When Tyler goes to walk over to the man, Brendon yanks him back by the collar of his shirt.

"My store, my one night stand. Fuck off, you little shit."


	14. Chapter 14

_I've spent the past semester waxing poetic about Bach and Tchaikovsky. I need to find something cool._ Large hands are flipping through display of CDs, trying to find something that look interesting. The own of said large hands looks up with blue eyes sort of wide and very curious once he feels someone tapping him on the shoulder, and a courteous voice asking him if he needs help finding anything.

"Uh, yeah, actually. I, uh--I teach music history at an art school, and I figured working in something other than classical music into my rubric might be, uh, a little more interesting for my students." Dallon scratches the back of his neck after saying this.

"What do you like to listen to? That's always a good start, man." The shop owner asks him, smiling just a little bit, looking oh so kind and pretty. __I'm already screwed. He's so gorgeous.__

"Uh... Classical, mostly. For a music history professor, I know fuck-all about music. Though, I do have a soft spot for Queen, Blue Oyster Cult, and Electric Light Orchestra."

"Okay, well--would you mind if I made some recommendations?"

 _ _"Please.__ I need all the help I can get."

The man before him chuckles slightly. "First of all, I'm Brendon."

"Dallon." He sticks a hand out, and Brendon shakes it.

Dallon watches the man, Brendon, and listens to him, almost in awe, as he's going on an in depth rant about all sorts of music. He shows an obvious bias towards classic rock, but also points Dallon towards a few pop albums, and even an obscure country album.

Dallon also finds himself laughing when the teenager he saw in the store hands him a CD with no cover, only saying, "Have to promote myself somehow, man," before __he's__ laughing at the pissy look on Brendon's face.

"Ignore him. He's a bit of a brat."

"It's totally fine. Like, the more music the better, honestly. It's always a treat when it's free."

"Fair enough. Anyways--"

***

Josh sits on his couch, his expensive one, imported from Italy, in awe, as he listens to the CD Tyler had thrown together. He feels oddly proud of the young man. The CD itself, in Josh's opinion, is almost perfect. It's amazing. He spent middle school and most of high school in band, and he dabbled a bit in college, so he's easily able to pick apart the songs, and he makes a mental checklist on what Tyler could improve upon, and parts he thinks needs more polishing, but all in all, it's pretty solid. On top of that, though, Josh _still_ thinks its phenomenal, especially given the boy is eighteen, and in his opinion, everything on this CD is better than anything he's heard on the radio in a _very_ long time.

As soon as he hears the lock on the door clicking, he's up and off the couch, heading towards it. As soon as Tyler's in the door, Josh is grabbing him by the arm, and pulling him towards the kitchen table to get him sat down. "Dude, what the hell?"

Josh shushes him and sits across from him. "First of all--I'm not saying this lightly--you're _really_ talented. I haven't heard music _that_ good in _years."_

"Uh..." Tyler isn't sure on how he should handle the compliment. "Thank you."

"Second of all--you're hiring me."

"Um, dude... You're expensive. I don't have a job, and I have a collective two fifty in assets. I can't afford it."

"I'll do it for free, under two conditions. Firstly--I get a five percent cut of whatever you make on the CD, which is better than my usual twenty. Secondly--you need to come up with a title for this, so _I_ can come up with a kick ass cover. One more thing--this isn't a condition--I'm going to run a campaign _so good_ that everyone in the country, or at least in Ohio, is going to want to buy this."

"That's... that's sort of a lot, man. I don't--I don't know if I can accept that." Tyler's frowning, and playing with a strand of his hair, staring at a spot on the table rather than Josh's face.

"So? Take advantage of me, just this one. You'd be dumb not to, at least right now. Also, as a general life lesson--use what you've got. If you have a partner who knows the ins and outs of advertising, then take advantage of him, yeah? You need to do whatever you can to further along your career at this point."

"That... sounds kind of shitty."

"Of course it does. There isn't one successful person on this planet who hasn't played dirty, me included. I've fucked over a handful of people myself."

"I never said I wouldn't do it." Tyler smirks. "I mean, I've sucked dick for a twenty, and I even gave one of the bouncers at Atlantis a handy just to get in. What makes you think I won't milk you for all you're worth?"

Josh grins. "Atta boy!"

Tyler rolls his eyes, but grins as well.

***

Tyler gets taken to Atlantis, willingly and by Josh, of course. He sits at the bar, shamelessly sipping at some fruity drink waiting for Josh to reappear. He'd slipped into the crowd, muttering something about his dealer and ecstasy.

He's caught off guard when Brendon's coming up to him, and wrapping an arm around his shoulders, smiling like an idiot. __He's tweaked. Ugh.__ "Hey, man. Where's Josh?"

"Why do you assume that I know?"

"I saw his car, and you're here."

"He's copping ecstasy from his dealer, I think."

Brendon rolls his eyes and mutters, "Fuckin' tweaker," under his breath and he plops down into the bar stool next to Tyler's.

"He's thirty. He can do what he wants."

"Who's he getting it from?"

"That Saporta guy. The, like, half Jewfro, half Spanish guy."

"He's from Uruguay, I think."

"Point is, I've met him a few times and he speaks Spanish, or whatever. What're you doing here?"

"Meeting someone."

"Lemme guess--tall cutie you saw at the store earlier?"

Brendon nods, and smirks, before pulling a little bottle out of his pocket. He uncaps the lid, flicks the bottle a few times, then sticks it close to his nostril so he can sniff pretty aggressively. He wipes his nose after, before holding the bottle towards Tyler. "Want a bump?"

"Uh... Depends on what it is, I guess."

"Poppers. Basically just amyl nitrate. It makes sex pretty freakin' awesome."

Tyler, being the dumb and experimental eighteen year old he is, just shrugs and takes the bottle from him, repeating the man's actions after doing so. He sneezes afterward, and gives Brendon a dirty look at the giggle that he gets from him. "I'm not a hardened drug addict like you are, dude. Fuck off."

"I am __not__ an addict." Brendon rolls his eyes.

Josh reappears soon after that comment from Brendon, a baggy containing a few pills in hand. He's breaking one of them in half once he reaches the bar, and orders a shot of vodka to take it with. He notices the way Tyler's sniffing and rubbing at his nose, so with squinted eyes, he looks at Brendon and asks, "What did you give him?"

The man holds up the little bottle.

Josh rolls his eyes. "Poppers? Really?"

"I asked him, and he said yeah." Brendon shrugs and goes back to minding his own business. (For once.)

Tyler sighs, and pulls Josh down to steal a quick kiss. "Sharing is caring, Josh."

Josh grunts and pecks him on the lips one more time before standing up straight again. He holds the baggie up a bit, and asks Tyler, "You want to try?"

"What is it and what does it do?"

"Ecstasy, and it makes you, like, super horny. It's great."

Tyler holds his hand out, and once half of a pill is dropped into his palm, he pops it, washing it down with a swig of the fruity drink he's still working on. "When does it start working?"

"Probably in about fifteen minutes.

***

Tyler's pretty much all over Josh once everything _really_ hits him. Currently, he's trying to convince Josh just to take him back to the apartment, and when Josh questions him, he says, "I don't want to fuck in the bathroom here because it's gross and uncomfortable, and your apartment is a ten minute walk anyways, if that."

Tyler has his arms thrown around Josh's shoulders, mostly to keep his balance, since he's a _little_ tipsy. (And maybe a little high. Just a little.) Josh has his hands on Tyler's hips, the tips of his fingers barely poking into Tyler's pants. "That's so _long."_

"Who caaares, Josh. It's more comfortable, we can be as loud as we want, _and_ I'll even do that thing you like."

"Yeah? What thing?" Josh quirks an eyebrow.

"I dunno, man. You into anything weird?"

"Not really."

"Well, _shit._ Listen--my ass is yours. I just want to get fucked in my own bed, then be able to pass out afterward with no worries." Tyler leans up a bit to also say, "Added, I'd feel a lot safer, alright?" into Josh's ear.

It's that last comment that convinces Josh. He still acts a little stubborn, though. "Are you absolutely sure?"

"Mhm. One hundred percent."

"I _suppose_ we can go back."

Tyler grins and kisses him. "Thank yooouuu."

Josh scrunches his face up since, admittedly, Tyler is kind of adorable.

***

__Knock knock knock._ _

Tyler grabs one of his pillows and hides his head under it, cursing whatever higher power is out there for deciding to let someone knock on his door at whatever time it is, especially when he's __hungover,__ and __crashing.__

He can tell when Josh officially wakes up, because the man sighs, and groans almost silently as he rolls over, facing away from the sun that's peeking in past the curtains. He nudges Tyler after the person knocks again, causing the boy to only grunt and scoot away, muttering, "It's your apartment."

"You live here."

"You pay the rent."

Josh doesn't respond after that, and the two of them lay there for three minutes before Josh gives up his last sliver of hope, the hope that Tyler would, for once, not be stubborn, and that he'd go answer the fucking door.

He grunts as he sits up, and takes a moment to squeezes his eyes shut, to yawn, and to stretch before he's standing up. He's about to go answer his door before realizing that he's, like, __naked__ , so he grabs the nearest and cleanest looking pair of pajama bottoms and puts them on before actually leaving the room to answer the door.

As he's walking down the hallway, he tries his best to ignore the aching in his back and his thighs, both of which were caused by the fact that he spent just about all night fucking Tyler into the mattress. He stops in his kitchen for a few moments to pop four ibuprofen before actually answering the door.

He's half expecting Brendon, since that--that would just __make sense,__ but... Well, that's just not who it is. Josh is expecting his obnoxious and assertive friend, but, instead, he gets his mother, who is standing there, smiling in a way that most people would think is warm and happy, but Josh knows her. (Hell, he grew up with her.)

Her eyes, which are the same shade as his own, are cold and calculative, and they stare up at him, unblinking and unwavering. "Uh... Mom. Hey," comes his oh so smart greeting. __I have a masters in advertising. You'd think I'd be better at talking to my own__ mother. He steps aside to let her in, and after he closes the door but before he head towards his kitchen, he asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I brought cake, and I also just came by to talk, and to ask how you're doing. We don't exactly talk much. The last time I even saw you was Christmas." She sets the cake down before she's sitting in one of the bar stools.

Josh takes a second to move the cake out of the way, and to see what it is. __Tiramisu. Fuck. That's my favorite.__

"Your father made it, said something about his Japanese heritage."

"Tiramisu is Italian," Josh mutters with a frown on his face as he steps around the bit of counter space that his bar stools are in front of. (Or behind. Depends on where he's standing.)

"You know how he is. I kept my mouth shut."

"Mm. Wise. Uh. Do you—do you want coffee, or...?"

"Coffee."

He just nods meekly as he pulls out whichever instant coffee he thinks she'd like best, and sets to work on brewing it. As he's doing that, she asks how he's been doing. "I'm alright," he answers simply and inconspicuously.

"How's work?"

By now, Josh is just barely finished pouring water into his coffee machine, and now pretty much all he has to do is wait for it to __do the thing.__ "It's there."

"Better than nothing, am I right?" She's trying, and in a way, he can respect that. "Have you met anyone recently?"

"What's with all the questions?" Josh asks as he thinks to set out creamer and sugar.

"I was just wondering," she responds, coolly.

"I—I guess so."

"What's she like?"

"Oh, y'know." Josh makes a vague hand gesture and shrugs noncommittally.

"Geez. You're about as tight lipped as your father."

 _ _Probably because there's a hungover eighteen year old coming down off ecstasy in my bedroom, waiting for me to get back so we can fool around a bit.__ "It's hereditary, I guess."

"Well, I was just wondering, because you, uh..." Her eyebrows rise up ever so slightly, and she points towards her own neck.

"Hickeys?"

"That, and your back." She smirks a little bit, and Josh huffs, because no matter how old he gets, she always finds a way to embarrass him.

By now, his coffee pot is beeping, and he's pouring coffee in a mug and adding the proper amount of creamer and sugar that she tells him to before sliding the mug across the counter.

She starts talking, probably to fill the silence, about the going-ons of her life, and Josh half listens, nodding when he needs to, and only snaps out of his little daze when he notices Tyler walking down the hall.

He can't do anything to get Tyler to go back in the bedroom, at least not without alerting his mother to Tyler's existence, so he just stands there in his hungover and exhausted agony, planning to let things unfold as they were meant to, as Tyler steps into the kitchen with a ferocious yawn.

Josh is frozen to his spot, eyes a little wide, and Tyler only notices someone else is there after he's dumped out whichever day's pills out of his pill container into the palm of his left hand, but just before he's about to open the fridge to grab the carton of orange juice.

Josh decides to just... go with it, at least after looking back and forth between the two of them and opening and closing his mouth a few times over the course of thirty or so seconds. "Uh. Mom, this is Tyler. He's my, uh... My partner. Tyler, this is... my mother."

Tyler holds up a finger and unscrews the lid on the orange juice, and takes his pills before he's walking to stand to where he can easily reach across the counter and offer his hand for Josh's mother to shake. "Nice to meet ya."

She just stares at Tyler's hand in shock for a few seconds before basically spitting, "I—I need to leave," as she's grabbing her keys and purse. (Despite the slight severity of the situation, Josh is glad that she doesn't grab the cake as she rushes out. He likes tiramisu.)

Tyler just shrugs as he watches Josh follow her out, given he's too tired and too hungover to bring himself to care at the moment.

***

"Ma, will you slow down and talk to me?" For the first time in probably his entire life, Josh is trying to __actually__ talk to his mother.

She keeps walking, though, up until she's at the elevator, where she starts rapidly pressing the down button, as if to will it to open up faster.

"Mom."

She sighs, closes her eyes, and barely turns towards him, not even making eye contact, asking, "Who all knows?"

"My friends, plus Tyler, obviously."

"Does your brother...?"

"Told him a little before I moved out. He didn't really care."

"Thank god your father doesn't know." She shakes her head, and Josh hates the feeling he gets—he hates what the feeling a child gets when their parent is disappointed in them. Even at thirty, it's still the most emasculating and humiliating feeling to him. (Aside from a few other things.) "I just hope you know it's a sin."

***

"Hey, Josh," Tyler says casually around a mouthful of granola bar as Josh is walking back into the apartment.

"Fuck you," Josh tells him without even making eye contact as he stomps back towards his bedroom.

Tyler scoffs, swallows, and sets the granola bar down before following him. __"Excuse__ me? What did I do?"

Josh whirls around once they're both in the room. "If you would've just stayed in the fucking bedroom, she wouldn't have found out!"

"Okay, you're, what, __thirty?__ You're __thirty.__ It's not my fault you've been too piss in your pants afraid to tell your mom that you're a fag!"

The look he gets out of Josh is sinister, and if it could kill, Tyler would've been stillborn.

***

Tyler's dressed and a few blocks away at the diner in almost record time, eating hangover food. He's, y'know, hungover, and crashing, and, on top of that, he just in general feels kind of shitty, so Josh being pissed at him for a stupid reason definitely isn't helping his mood. He just broods, alone, in his corner booth while he eats, and he's giving Josh a nasty glare when the man walks in, looking guilty as fuck.

When Josh tries sitting at the booth, Tyler has his legs up and in the seat across from him, saying, "Sit somewhere else," before Josh can even do anything about it.

Of course, Josh doesn't listen to him. He just grabs Tyler's feet and moves his legs out of the seat before he's sliding into it. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm hungover and grumpy."

"I'm hungover too, but you don't see me blaming you because my mother cut me off after catching us walking back to your apartment, now do you?"

Josh sighs and crosses his fingers together in front of him on the table. "I don't exactly have experience with being out to my parents, y'know." He looks kind of like a kicked puppy, and Tyler's mentally sighing. __I need to quit forgiving him so easily.__ "I--I know I'm an adult and all, but I still try impressing my parents, so I think you could imagine what it felt like hearing my mother, who, by the way, has, up until this point, been rather kind to me, tell me that I'm going to go to hell after finding out I'm gay and that I'm in a relationship with an eighteen year old."

Tyler doesn't say anything to him as he stuffs a few fries in his mouth, and continues not to say anything for a few more minutes, since he's trying to think of something to say that isn't a 'fuck you.' "Don't blame me for that. __You're__ the one who didn't tell her, and you're the one who didn't bother coming and telling me that she was even there in the first place."

"I'm sorry, alright?" __I think that's the first time he's apologized to me for being an asshole. Huh.__

This is when Tyler __actually__ forgives him. "You mean that, right?"

Josh nods.

"Alright. Fine. I forgive you."


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi

"Deb--"

"Josh, he's your kid too, and Jen's in Detroit visiting her family."

"I still can't believe you have a __kid,__ and you never told me," Tyler mutters while looking down at the infant in his arms, and while occasionally looking up to look between his disgruntled partner and his assistant.

"Once upon a time," Josh starts as he steps over to take the one and a half year old from Tyler, much to the boy's dislike, "our favorite lesbians wanted a kid, so I agreed to be their sperm donor. Unfortunately."

Debby scoffs. "Watch it, Dun. I know you love him every bit as much as Jen or I do."

Tyler's still in a slight state of shock, shaking his head. "I still can't believe you never told me." He

"It didn't come up, and it's not like we sit down and have conversations all the time." Josh shrugs slightly, and despite his tone, he still kisses Tyler on the forehead when the boy is standing in front of him to offer one of his fingers to Nathan, or Nate, to grab.

"It's not my fault I do all the talking," he mumbles.

"Both of you—shush. Josh, you know when his nap time his, and bed time, and all of the emergency numbers for when I'm gone, right?"

Josh sighs. "You left me a list, you emailed it to me, and you even sent me texts and voice mails. I __know."__

***

Josh is more than happy to let Tyler fawn over Nate while he eats a salad and listens to Brendon yammer on about the infamous __Dallon Weekes__ later that evening in the diner, since it means he has at least a little less responsibility on his plate.

"He's so __dreamy,__ and so __hot."__ Brendon's pretty much drooling all over the damn table.

"We've established this, Brendon," Josh drawls, boredly, as he turns the page in that months copy of __Out,__ along with taking another bite of his salad.

"There's __one__ problem, though." And now Brendon sounds hesitant.

Josh looks up, with his mouth full, and eyebrows raised a bit. Tyler looks up from Nate, who has a death grip on the eighteen year old's fingers. "What's the hangup?" Tyler asks.

"He's HIV positive." Brendon winces a bit in anticipation of Josh and Tyler's response.

Josh swallows the bite of his salad, and Tyler's jaw drops a bit. "Don't get involved with him," is what Josh says almost immediately.

"I really like him, though, and we're both more than informed about safe sex."

"What if one of you slips up, though?" Tyler sounds a little worried now. He peels one of his fingers from Nathan's grasp. "HIV isn't something you should be fucking around with."

At that moment, Patrick pretty much materializes out of nowhere, and plops down in the booth next to Brendon. "What's this about HIV? One of you finally get it?"

Josh shakes his head and folds the corner of the page he's on in the magazine before closing it and sitting up a little straighter. "No. That guy Brendon's been seeing has it, though."

Patrick starts going off on a bit of a tangent, which is odd and only a little bit out of character for him, but he gets cut off by Tyler, who just says, "What? Is he gonna bend over one day to get the newspaper and, __oh no!__ There goes Dallon's load, flying right up his ass!"

Josh cackles a bit, and Brendon rolls his eyes. Patrick gives Tyler a dirty look. "This isn't a joke, Tyler."

"Did I say that? Brendon's an adult; he can make his own choices. If he wants to be with Dallon, then so be it, and, __anyways,__ from what I've heard, you weren't exactly calm and kosher when you thought you might've gotten it."

Josh snorts at the memory, and slyly says, "Remember that conversion therapy group?"

Patrick kicks him under the table. Not hard, but enough to get his point across. "Fuck off. This isn't about me." Patrick turns towards Brendon fully now. "You need to be __sure__ if you want to be with him."

Brendon frowns. "Of course I'm sure. He's a really sweet guy, and he way nicer to me than Ryan ever was. Anyways, it doesn't matter. I've already slept with him, and I get checked for STDs every six months." Brendon sighs and stirs his drink with his straw. "My mom isn't too thrilled about his HIV status, though. I mean, she'll come around, but she about ripped my head off when I told her."

"Doesn't your uncle...?" Josh starts around a mouthful of his salad, but trails off, mostly since he knows the answer, and also since Brendon most likely already knows what he's getting at. (Josh knows the man like the back of his hand.)

"Yes! That's what gets me. She goes on and on about he deserves to be in a relationship, and how his HIV status shouldn't affect who he does and doesn't date, yet the second one of my partners has it, she pitches a fit!"

"At least she cares about you, I guess."

***

Josh is going back and forth between watching reruns of some HBO drama on his TV, and watching Nathan, who is asleep on his chest, later that evening. He's close to falling asleep himself when his doorbell rings. Nathan fusses a little bit as Josh is getting up, but the man just hushes him and carries him on his hip as he answers the door.

Josh has to wonder what the fuck it is with his parents and just showing up on his doorstep after almost a year of no contact. Josh is startled, to say the least, when he sees his dad standing there with some weird, slightly holier than thou look on his face. "Uh..." Is the smart response that spills from Josh's mouth. "Dad. Hey."

The man raises his eyebrows at Nathan, and when Josh lets him in, after he's made his routine comment about how __nice__ the apartment is, he asks about Nathan.

"You remember Debby? That girl I was dating in high school? He's her kid."

"And she leaves him with you?"

Josh mentally sighs. He hates how this man is always __critical__ of him, no matter what he does. "Sometimes. She's on a business trip, and I was the only person who was available to babysit on short notice. Not like I have anything going on anyways." He shrugs. Once either of them have taken a seat in Josh's living room, he's asking, "Why are you here?"

"Well," __he__ starts as he's adjusting his position in one of Josh's stupid armchairs, "your mother insisted I drop by and tell you myself."

"Tell me what? That you're short on your house payment again and that I need to cover it?" __It's my apartment, and I have an infant in my arms. He wouldn't dare to even touch me right now.__

"I'm not here for your __money,"__ Suddenly, he's bitter and his tone has turned sour, hissing that out. "I have cancer."

 _ _Oh.__ "Oh. What kind?"

"Lung cancer." __Nice.__

"Is that it?"

"I'm dying." Even as he's admitting that he's dying, he doesn't dare to look weak, and Josh's fists are itching with an urge to punch him for whatever reason.

***

Tyler comes stumbling back into the apartment around two, fucked out and ready to fall into bed next to Josh. He's surprised to see that his partner is still up, sitting at his dining table with a glass of scotch in front of him, and the actual bottle not too far off. He has his head in his hands and Tyler gently pats him on the shoulder, asking, "What's up?"

"My dad came by," he mumbles back without even looking up.

Tyler winces and takes a seat across from him. "Did he do anything?"

Josh shakes his head and moves one of his hands so he can knock back the rest of what's in his glass. "He has stage four lung cancer and probably won't make it through the end of the year."

Tyler makes a face. "I'm so sorry."

Josh shakes his head. "Shit happens. I don't even know why it's bothering me."

"Abusive or not, he's still your dad." Tyler takes one of Josh's hands, and after kissing his knuckles, he holds it. "You know you're allowed to come to me if you need to talk, right?"

"I know. Thank you." Josh squeezes the boy's hand a little bit.

Tyler nods and offers him a gentle smile. "No problem. Let's go to bed. It's late, you're drunk, I'm a little tweaked and drunk myself, and Nathan's already asleep."

Josh holds onto him that night, as if he were going to disappear if he didn't. Tyler just rubs his back and runs his fingers through Josh's hair until the man is snoring softly into his shoulder.

***

Josh shows up at his parents house a week or two after his father broke his deadly news to him. His mother's at work, he knows that much, and that's honestly the only reason he showed up at this time specifically, other than the fact Pete chewed him a new asshole over the fact that he __still__ hasn't come out to his father.

Josh just walks in, like he always has whenever he's had to be here. He knows his dad is home—he saw his car in the driveway, and he sees the man sitting in the floor in his living room, it hits him that he's, like, __dying.__ He looks frail, more frail than a sixty two year old __should__ be looking, and his hands shake as he's going through a box of magazines.

Once the man notices his son, he greets him with an uncharacteristic smile, and Josh doesn't respond with anything more than, "We need to talk."

The man looks shocked. "I think that's... the first time you've ever said that to me."

"Probably because it is," Josh mutters. He sits down on one of the couches, and picks at a fingernail that's already been bitten down.

The man makes a noise of acknowledgment, and when he stumbles upon a stack of Playboys, he shows them to Josh with a wink. "Been awhile since I've seen one of these. You want 'em?"

Josh makes a face, one that makes it clear that he's disgusted. "No. I'm gay."

Aaand his dad freezes. "Pardon?"

"I'm gay, and I've been seeing someone for the past year or so."

Josh's father stands up, and comes to stand in front of him. Josh himself stands up, a little glad that he's a good six inches taller than his father, meaning he can look down at him with a sinister look on his face. "I didn't raise you to be a __faggot."__ The man looks... enraged, and the part of Josh that's still a kid cowers, but the rest of him bristles like a cat, ready to fight.

"Apparently you did," he begins, slowly, deliberately, and evenly, "because we're here now, Father."

"You know, you've got one __hell__ of a nerve to tell a __dying man__ that his son is a __fairy.__ You should be the one dying. __Not__ me."

Josh takes about ten seconds to breathe before he's reeling back to deck his father square in the jaw. He even takes the time to kick the man in the shin once he falls to the floor. "But I'm __not,__ you selfish old __prick. You are."__

***

Tyler and Josh get into a fight. It's over Josh not being overly affectionate, and distancing himself from Tyler and everyone else he knows after his little altercation with his father. (He didn't tell Tyler about it.) It was a dumb fight, really, but it was enough for Tyler to cram his clothes into a gym bag, and to move into Ashley's apartment for a month.

Two weeks before Josh swallows his pride and apologizes for some of the shit he'd said to Tyler, he's sitting at a table near the back of the room in Vista, wallowing in self pity while he sips at a beer. Brendon's there, with Dallon, and Josh is trying his best to make conversation with his best friend's boyfriend. Eventually, Dallon gets up to use the bathroom, and Brendon starts in on Josh. "What's wrong with you? You're __never__ this quiet."

"It's nothing," Josh lies with a sigh, despite he fact that he knows Brendon's well aware of how much of a lie it was.

"Like hell it is. It's about Tyler, ain't it?"

Josh shrugs nonchalantly and takes a swig of his beer.

"You need to make up with him. He's been staying with his friend, Ashley, and he's been __sulking.__ For one thing, that Ashley kid has a shitty apartment, and he's so annoying when he sulks." Brendon doesn't really sound frustrated, or angry, for once, so Josh figures he's being, like, extra serious.

"I don't have anything to apologize for."

Brendon rolls his eyes. "Cut the shit. You and I both know you said some fucked up things to him."

Josh doesn't argue with that. "What would I even tell him?"

"You love him, don't you?" Brendon asks that as if he's daring Josh to disagree with him.

Josh shrugs and stares at his beer, expression dropping. He loves Tyler, he can admit that to himself, at least, but he'd never say it out loud.

"You should tell him."

"I'm not going to lie to him like that."

 _ _"Lie?__ You lie to him when you __don't__ tell him you love him. Somehow, that kid's worked his way past your stupid shell, and into your heart, because despite the fact you act like you don't have a heart, __you do.__ I know you better than you think. Don't tell me you don't love him. You are __moping,__ and I __know__ you miss him more than he's missing you."

 _ _Again,__ Josh doesn't argue, because he's right.

***

Two weeks after Josh's little talking-to from Brendon, he gets woken up around four in the morning by a phone call from his brother, informing him that his father had passed away, which means that he calls in sick to work, and at almost seven on the dot, which is an hour before Tyler's first class, he's knocking on Ashley's apartment door.

Ashley answers, and half of her hair is up in curlers, the rest hanging free, and flowing beautifully. "You've got a lot of fucking nerve, and you have ten seconds to explain yourself before I slam this door in your face." She holds up her fingers and starts putting one down with each passing second.

"I want to speak to Tyler," is his simple explanation.

Ashley squints at him, expression still venomous before inviting him in, and telling him to stay put by the door.

Josh listens, curling and uncurling his fists in his wool coat the entire time he's waiting for Tyler to rear his head. When the boy does, he sort of feels a little breathless, but the feeling goes away because Tyler's face turns sour, and, alright, Josh knows he had that reaction coming.

Ashley has enough sense to go into a different room as Tyler's walking up to Josh. Tyler looks up at him, face pretty much devoid of motion, and asks, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry." Josh's voice is barely audible and he's avoiding eye contact.

"Try harder. Look me in the eye and actually elaborate. I can't do shit with just an 'I'm sorry.'"

Josh sighs, and it takes him a few minutes, but eventually he works up the nerve to, y'know, look Tyler in the eye, and to apologize properly. "I'm sorry about everything I said to you, and how I acted and treated you. I miss you, and I would like it if you'd move back in." Josh breaks eye contact as soon as he's finished and ops to stare at one of the tiles in Ashley's kitchen. (Her apartment is tiny. Her kitchen is right next to the door pretty much.)

Josh is expecting Tyler to say something rude or unforgiving back to him, but instead, the boy surprises him by saying, "I'm sorry about calling you a heartless piece of shit and accusing you of not caring about me. I didn't mean it, but, like... You were being an asshole and I was upset."

"I had it coming. Can I..." Josh sighs and he hates that he feels his cheeks heating up. "Can I have a hug...?" He's not necessarily embarrassed, but there's a lot going on for him right now, and he's overwhelmed.

Tyler kind of just... shrugs, and holds his arms open. Josh takes the bait. Tyler's really good at hugging, Josh realizes. Tyler hangs on tight, and even rubs his back a little bit. Tyler asks, "Did something happen?" in a tender tone when he feels tears on his shirt.

"My dad died last night."

Tyler hugs him a little tighter. "I'm sorry." It's simple and it's just two words, but Tyler means them.

***

The day of Josh’s father’s funeral is kind of awkward. Josh stands between his mother and Tyler, with his brother on the other side of Tyler. Tyler wasn’t supposed to tag along, but Josh was totally bashful when he asked him to, for moral support. Tyler had agreed, obviously.

The pastor delivers some bullshit eulogy that Josh has heard a few times before, and then the wake happens. Tyler avoids making a comment about how wakes are usually held beforefunerals, mostly since he isn’t really welcome in the Dun Household. Josh’s mother gives him dirty looks the whole time, whereas Josh’s brother doesn’t really pay any attention to him.

Josh drops Tyler off at the apartment, and disappears for a while to go have a few drinks at one of the bars. When he gets home, Tyler’s so kindly in the middle of cooking dinner for him, with the excuse of, “You look like you could use a warm meal rather than a shitty hamburger from the diner, or shitty take out from that one Thai restaurant.”

Josh steps around the counter, and tugs Tyler close to kiss him. Tyler drops a comment about tasting scotch on him, and Josh shrugs, saying that he shouldn’t be surprised. Tyler allows Josh to hug him, and only detaches himself, blushing, when Josh mutters out the quietest, “I’m really lucky to have you.”

“You’re drunk.” Tyler says, quietly.

“I still mean it.” Josh stumbles a tiny bit as he goes to lean against the counter to watch Tyler cook. “Sorry I drink so much.”

“Not like I can do anything to stop you. It’s understandable anyways, I guess. Your dad died, and you’re stressed, so it’s not really surprising.”

Josh doesn't respond to that, but rather asks, “What’re you cooking?”

“One of my dad's recipes. Nothing too fancy." Tyler shrugs.

***

Josh wakes up before Tyler one morning, and spends a good ten or twenty minutes admiring his face before he's hauling himself up to shower.

 _ _Has he always been__ this __beautiful? What the hell does he see in me?__

Josh stares at the freckles on Tyler's face, finding that he __really__ likes how they subtly contrast with his already tanned face. He likes the way Tyler's hair, which is kind of getting long and which is always in a state of really needing to be cut, falls in his face and sort of fans out across the pillows. He admires he way Tyler looks so peaceful while he sleeps, even with his face smushed into the pillow, and none of this is even mentioning Tyler's eyelashes, which are resting oh so daintily and prettily on his cheeks.

 _ _Maybe... I do love him. Fuck. I don't want to be in love with him.__ Why __does it have to be him? This is__ _ _too much.__


	16. Chapter 16

**Jenna:** WHERE ARE YOU

 **Tyler:** eating hangover food at the diner

 **Jenna:** OK DONT MOVE OMW

***

Tyler sighs softly and shakes his head at his phone before closing it and putting it back into his jacket pocket. He yawns, and rubs one of his eyes. He's about halfway through his breakfast when Jenna shows up, looking excited. Tyler stares at her, waiting for her to start talking as she sits down. "Okay, listen--once upon a time, I was an artist, and I got invited to an art gallery for an exhibit next week, on your birthday, _so,_ do you want to go?"

"Art... isn't really my thing, Jen. I'm a musician, and, I mean, Josh kind of pointed out that birthdays aren't really worth celebrating, and if I'm honest, I kind of agree with him."

Jenna rolls her eyes. "Fuck Josh. He's full of shit. Also, did I mention that the artist is cute?"

"Why didn't you just tell me that? I'll totally go. What does he look like?"

"Well..." Jenna pulls a page from a magazine out of her purse, and slides it towards Tyler, intending for him to look at the photo on it. "His name is Min, and he's openly gay. Basically, you'll get to look at some great art, and potentially fuck a hot guy."

***

Next to Josh, this guy is possibly one of the hottest guys Tyler's ever laid eyes on. He's twenty three, as Tyler has learned, and he's dressed pretty plainly--wearing an eggplant colored turtleneck, and a pair of black jeans. Tyler steps up to him, putting on his charm, and greets him with a smirk and a simple, "Hey."

The artist's eyebrows raise just a bit, and, "Hello," is what he says back.

Tyler introduces himself. "I'm Tyler." He also sticks his hand out, and smiles politely when the artist shakes it. "You're, ah, really talented. Not often you meet someone with talent like this."

The artist--Min--narrows his eyes, and doesn't reply right away. "Which piece is your favorite?" It's an innocent question, and Tyler answers honestly.

He points to a painting of a crow, covered in blood. "That one, the crow. It's pretty sick."

"Well... You can have it. Consider it... a token of my esteem."

Tyler's shocked, to say the least. "Are you--are you sure? It's a little too good for me, of all people, to take home."

"Nonsense." Min waves his hand dismissively. "It's a print anyways. You can have it; free of charge."

"Alright then." Tyler smiles a little bit, and this is when he starts in on him. "What are you doing after the show?"

Min calls him out on his shit immediately. "Are you _hitting_ on me?" He feigns shock, holding a hand over his heart.

"Of course. You're..." Tyler gives him a once over. _"Wow._ You're hot and, if we're being fair, I'm kind of a whore."

Min snorts and smirks. "I was going to go back to my little studio apartment with a bottle of moscato and celebrate the successful show. I wouldn't mind a little company, though."

"Yeah? How about it, then?" Tyler's little smile turns almost sinful as he steps a little closer, leaning in to lowly say, "How would you feel about going home with a cute guy, willing to let you fuck him senseless?"

The older boy starts cackling. "You're a little forward, and I don't usually fuck on the first date, but it's tempting, I'll admit."

"Then why not? I promise you I'm great in bed."

The look Tyler gets is indecipherable. "Stick around, and we'll see."

***

Josh walks around the counter in his kitchen with a mostly eaten sandwich and a glass of red wine in hand. "Nice painting. Where'd you get it?"

"Fucked an artist. This was... a souvenir." Tyler shrugs, and sets the print down on the dining table, away from where he or Josh usually eat, before following his partner into the living room.

Josh smirks once they make eye contact. "How was he?"

Tyler tilts his head to the side and pulls his shirt collar down, revealing fresh hickeys. "Pretty good. My ass is going to be sore for a few days for sure. Honestly, next to you, it was probably one of the best fucks I've ever had."

"Good to know I'm still your number one."

Tyler sighs, mockingly, and seats himself in Josh's lap, kissing him on the lips as he does so. "You'll always be my number one, Joshua."

***

A week after Tyler turns nineteen, he gets some tragic news. He's in one of the administrative offices at his college, talking to the person in charge of financial aid and tuition, when he's being told that his tuition hasn't been paid for in two months. "Seriously? Two months?"

"Sadly, yes. I'd offer to let you apply for financial aid, but..." She shows him a sheet of paper, and, basically, his mother makes too much money for him to apply for financial aid.

"Fuck. Um. Can I have an extension or something while I work something out?"

"I'll see what I can do. You better be quick, though."

***

Tyler steps into his mother's office at the hospital she works at, and makes himself at home. "What's up, Mom?"

She doesn't look up from her paperwork as she asks him to explain himself.

"My tuition. You quit paying for it. _Why?"_

"I don't support you or your _lifestyle_. If you want to give up your _lifestyle,_ then I'll reconsider paying for it."

Tyler feels like he got punched in the gut. "I'm happy. I'm in a relationship with someone whom I love very dearly, and I almost died for coming out of the closet, so there's no way in hell that you're sitting here, right now, asking me to go back in just to _appease_ you."

"Then I guess there's nothing I can do for you," She says, way too casual, as she gets up to put a few papers into a filing cabinet."

"You're such a fucking pious, self righteous cunt," Tyler mutters with venom in his tone as he's getting up to storm out of her office.

***

"Tyler, will you _calm down?"_ Josh is trying to finish some paperwork that he didn't get done when he was at his own job that day, and Tyler pacing, griping about his mother not paying for his tuition, isn't helping his concentration. "I'll pay for it myself."

Tyler's head snaps towards him. "Absolutely not. You're not doing that. You already pay for a bunch of my other expenses. You are _not_ paying for my college."

"Do you know how much I made last year? I could pay your tuition for the next _forty_ years if I wanted. Let me take care of it. You need an education just in case the music thing tanks."

"There's not a goddamn thing in this world that would make me give up music. Don't even joke about that tanking. _Anyways,_ copies of my EP have been selling out at Brendon's stupid store. I don't think I'm tanking quite yet."

Josh sighs, and goes back to scribbling down his signature. "How would you pay for your tuition if I didn't?"

"Start slutting around more, maybe start stripping. Who knows."

"You could get a job," Josh suggests as he pulls another paper from a different envelope.

Tyler makes a face. "Where would I even work, Josh? I don't have a car, and the diner isn't hiring right now."

"You're like me--you adapt quickly. You'd figure something out."

Tyler grunts, and nibbles at his thumbnail as he continues pacing. About two minutes into his most recent round of pacing around the apartment, Josh slams his pen down onto his desk. "Will you either _leave_ or sit the fuck down?! I'm trying to work!"

Tyler flinches a little bit from the volume of Josh's voice, and his tone, before walking over to where he's sitting at the desk in the living room. Tyler leans down a little bit, hands placed on Josh's shoulders, and kisses his cheek. "Sorry. I'm just... anxious, I guess."

Josh sighs. "I'm sorry for shouting. You're _really_ distracting, and if I don't get this done tonight, my boss is going to have my head."

***

“Josh?” The thirty year old looks up from a few sketches the art department had given him for a campaign to look his assistant in the eye.

“What is it, Deb?”

“I want to have a chat with you.” She steps into the office, and closes the door behind her, locking it. She sits in one of the chairs in front of Josh’s desk, crosses her legs, then locks her fingers together when she asks, “Why didn’t you celebrate Tyler’s birthday?”

“I'd prefer to celebrate accomplishments rather than a birthday,” He answers, bluntly, before looking back down.

“Look at me, Josh. You can work on that later. He told Jen that he agreed with you, but I saw how disappointed he looked. You could’ve at least gotten him a gift or something.”

“I buy him shit all the time, Deborah.” He rolls his eyes. “If he wanted to celebrate, he would’ve told me.”

“Josh, you’re his boyfriend. You should’ve celebrated it regardless of whether or not he told you to.” She sighs, and furrows her brows. “We all know he wouldn’t dare cross you.”

“Will you butt out of my love life? Also, he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Then what is he to you?” She crosses her arms now, and gives him a pointed look.

“We’re partners, alright? That’s what we agreed to. We aren’t monogamous, and he’s free to come and go when he pleases. If he isn’t happy, then he’ll leave. He’s already broken up with me, or whatever you’d like to call it, a few times before.”

“Because you’ve been a dick to him, and he has at least a little self respect.”

Josh sighs. “What do you want me to do? Buy him a bouquet of roses? He’s not my fucking wife.”

“Why not? He’d appreciate it, and we both know it. He loves you, Josh. He really does.”

"I know he fucking loves me, Deb. I'm not stupid. I trust him enough to tell me himself if he's upset with me. My love life is absolutely _none_ of your business, and you need to butt the fuck out, because this is highly inappropriate. _Now--"_ Josh picks up a file from his paper basket, and hands it to Debby; "--could you run that down to Carol in HR, and let me get back to my job?"

***

Tyler ends up letting Josh pay for his tuition, and in the beginning of the year, the nineteen year old stumbles upon a certain painter in an empty classroom. Tyler is almost silent when he steps into the room, watching the careful strokes he paints across the canvas with a brush. “That’s pretty dope, Min.”

He jumps, and just about flicks a bit of black paint at Tyler. “Fuck, you’re like my cat. Always silent and sneaky.”

Tyler smirks. “I didn’t know you went to school here.”

“Yeah. You’re in the music department, whereas I’m over here in the starving artists’ section. It happens.”

“Are you starving?” Tyler chuckles a little bit as he steps further into the room, and sets his bag down to watch Min paint.

He huffs. “Little bit. Art isn’t overly lucrative if you’re not famous or if you don’t have the right connections. Though, perhaps now that you’re here, I won’t have to starve.”

Tyler blushes a bit and hides a grin by conveniently wiping at his nose. “I was, uh, just cutting through here, and I saw your hair, so I decided I’d, uh, come see what was up, I guess.”

“Sweet,” Min comments, quietly, as he gets back to work. “You want the rest of my tea?” He asks, ever so kindly, and Tyler blushes once again.

“Nah, I’m good. Oh, uh, by the way--I know it’s been a few months, but I wanted to say thanks for the painting. It looks pretty good up on my wall.” _ _Josh’s wall.__

Min turns to look at Tyler again. “On your wall? Damn, I didn’t think you actually liked it.”

“Of course I do. It’s really cool. You’re pretty frickin’ talented.”

Min smirks, and steps up to Tyler, openly checking him out. “I know I am. So, did you… have a good birthday at all? Never got the chance to ask.”

Tyler shrugs, and the disappointment shows on his face when he says, “It was alright. Didn’t really do a whole lot. My, uh, boyfriend doesn’t really believe in, and I quote, ‘celebrating sentimental rituals, when we could be celebrating accomplishments.’ A load of shit, if you ask me, but that’s what he thinks, so I won’t argue.”

Min’s eyebrows draw together. “That sucks.”

“I wasn’t really in the mood for a party or anything anyways. I’m not too bothered.”

“Oh, no, I meant that it sucks that you have a boyfriend.”

Tyler scoffs, and fails to hold back the slightest of giggles. _“_ _ _Oh.”__

Min steps even closer, and adjusts the lapel on the sports coat Tyler is wearing. “If I was your boyfriend, I would throw you the part of a lifetime.”

“Oh really? What would you do?”

“Well, I’d take you out to breakfast, then I would hand you a painting, wrapped in the least tackiest wrapping paper I could find, then in the evening, I’d bust out the two hundred dollar bottle of wine that I keep hidden for special occasions, plus a bouquet of flowers and the nicest meal I could afford, since I’d probably blow all my money on the breakfast. Then, after all that, I would make love to you until we couldn’t stay awake any longer.”

Tyler looks away from his face, cheeks red, blushing something fierce. “You’d do all that for __me?”__

“Of course, but, alas, I’m not your boyfriend.”

Tyler slips away after that, saying something about needing to get to class. On his way to his music history class, which Brendon’s fucking boyfriend teaches, he has to focus on regulating his heartbeat, because, god, he’s so flattered.

***

 _ _  
____I shouldn't be doing this. I should__ not __be doing this. I really shouldn't be doi-__ "Tyler! Hey! What're you doing here?" Tyler's eyes widen just slightly as a certain purple haired artist comes trotting up to him, a pretty smile plastered across his pretty face. It's been a few weeks since the art room incident, and Tyler has finally caved into the guilty part of himself that wanted to ask Min to go on a date with him.

 _ _I could just ask Josh to go on a date with m--oh, who am I kidding? He'd just take me to a bar, we'd get fucked up, then go back to his apartment to fuck, and then I'd be hungover and miserable the next day.__ "Uh. I've actually been pacing for the better part of an hour now, but, uh..." Tyler blushes and scratches the back of his neck before he musters up the nerve to continue. "I sort of wanted to know if you wanted to go on a date with me...?"

Min's eyebrows shoot up as he steps a little closer to rest an arm on Tyler's shoulder, head cocked ever so slightly, smile dropping into a smirk. "A date? Did you break up with that boyfriend of yours?"

"Uh. Yeah." __Lies!__ "I just--yeah. I haven't really been on a proper date before, and I... figured you'd be a good first date." __Another lie. I've been on one date with Josh, and it was lovely.__

"Well, in that case, I'd be delighted." Min grins again, and kisses Tyler slowly and sweetly, with no underlying intentions behind it. "Do you still have the same phone number?"

"Yes. I do."

"Awesome. I have class, so, uh, I'll text you or call you or something and we can hash this out, alright?"

Tyler nods, they say goodbye to each other, and, alright, Tyler kind of isn't feeling as guilty as he should be about this. He __really__ isn't.

***

"Ashley, I don't know what to do." Two weeks have gone by, and Tyler has sort of let himself sleep with Min once again, which is a huge no-no when it comes to his relationship with __Josh.__ (By sort of, he means he definitely slept with the artist again.)

Ashley mutes the volume on the TV in her living room, and sighs a little bit. "What do you want me to tell you? That I think it's super fucking shitty that you __cheated__ on your boyfriend?"

"If you want--but--I just... how do I tell him? I need to tell him, Ash. Part of the agreement was full disclosure, and not sleeping with someone more than once."

"You've been with Josh for awhile now, Tyler, and from what you tell me, I think he'd really appreciate it if you were upfront with him and didn't hide it. It doesn't sound like he hides much from you, so you owe him that much. I mean, Min is totally an asshole and I called it as soon as you said something about him, but you still fucked up."

***

Tyler takes another week to actually say something to Josh. He __needs__ to, he knows that, so he sits on the edge of the bed, shaking just a little bit from how __scared__ he is of Josh's reaction, quietly repeating, "I fucked up," to himself every few minutes, keeping his fists balled up in his hair.

Josh is lying on his side, trying to get Tyler to talk, but his patience is started to wear thin. "Tyler, whatever it was, it can __not__ be bad enough to keep me up until three." He's dead tired, Tyler can tell that just from his voice, and he __knows__ the man's been overwhelmed at work, and, yeah, Tyler feels really fucking terrible.

"I let that artist take me on a date, no, actually, __I__ asked him on a date, and we ended up fucking," He finally just __admits__ this, and, god, he feels so much worse when Josh's hand, a large, warm, and comforting presence on Tyler's shoulder blade, withdraws. "Please don't be mad."

Josh doesn't reply right away. He lets his head tilt back a bit, and his eyes are closed. He sighs, and the next few minutes are agony for Tyler, up until Josh speaks. "We agreed to tell each other if we fucked up, and you told me. Can I just ask __why__ you did that?" Josh's tone isn't conveying much emotion, if any at all, but Tyler can tell that he's hurt.

"I just... I like romance and affection. I like being wined and dined. Stuff like that... you don't do that shit, man. You've only taken me on __one__ date, and it was in your fucking living room, and, __no,__ going to a club, getting fucked up, and fucking doesn't count as a date. I mean a full on dinner and wine and kissing me on the doorstep __date."__

"I'm not going to respond to that, in the interest of not promising something I can't provide you with. Do you __like__ the artist?"

"No," Tyler mumbles, shoulders slumping. "Not anymore. He has a fiance, apparently, who walked in on us going at it. I mean... I kind of think he would've been a downgrade anyways."

"Good," Josh mutters. "Now lay down, and go to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow, so I'd like to at least get a few hours in."

Tyler sighs, and eventually crawls under the blankets. He doesn't scoot towards Josh like he wants to, at least not immediately, until the man tugs him to where Tyler's back is pressed against Josh's chest, and until Josh is eventually snoring slightly into Tyler's shoulder. Tyler sleeps easily

 


	17. Chapter 17

****

A few months go by, mostly uneventfully, and Tyler's just barely getting used to the lack of turbulence in his life when he's woken up by Josh getting out of the bed around three one night. Josh typically sleeps like a rock, and rarely wakes up during the night, so Tyler rolls over and groggily asks him where he's going.

Josh answers quietly, as if he were afraid of waking up some unknown third party. "Dallon's in the hospital, and Brendon needs a shoulder."

Tyler sits up and blatantly ignores Josh when the man tells him to go back to sleep. "What's wrong with him?" Tyler doesn't give a shit about Brendon, but Dallon's nice and hasn't done anything bad, plus he's one of Tyler's professors, so Tyler cares about him to some extent.

"He caught a cold and apparently his meds quit working. Do you want to come with me, or go back to bed?"

"I want to come with you. Can I come with you?"

"I wouldn't have asked if you couldn't." Josh shrugs, and tosses one of his own shirts and a pair of Tyler's pants at him. "I'm gonna go make some coffee before we leave."

"Make me some," Tyler mumbles as he rubs at one of his eyes.

***

It’s especially cold that night when Josh drives all the fucking way across Columbus to offer his shoulder for Brendon to cry on. Tyler dozes off while he drives, looking as gorgeous as ever under the lights of passing street lamps, especially with Josh’s jacket covering his slender form, and the t-shirt that goes down to about the middle of his thighs.

Josh almost doesn’t have it in him to wake Tyler up once he’s parked his car. The boy grumbles a little grumpily before letting Josh wrap an arm around his waist as they walk. Brendon’s sitting in the waiting room, looking like shit, and doesn’t even protest at the sight of Tyler being there.

“What happened?” Josh asks. If Tyler didn’t know him like the back of his hand, he’d say that the older man sounded almost bored, but both Tyler and Brendon know he’s secretly concerned.

“He woke me up a few hours ago and told me to take him to an emergency room. He’s having a bunch of tests done, and we’re waiting on his doctor to show up. I think he said something about coughing blood. I dunno.”

Tyler sits uselessly on the other side of Josh, and Josh tugs his friend over and into a hug. Even though Tyler could easily say he hates Brendon, he still feels his heart breaking when he sees the man sobbing into Josh’s chest and gripping the man’s shirt hard enough that it could probably tear if he moved.

Tyler, being the awkward nineteen year old he is, pats Brendon on the arm, and offers to go buy him some tea. Brendon nods, and Josh gives Tyler a look when the boy asks him for some money since Tyler apparently didn’t have his wallet with him.

Josh hands him a ten dollar bill, and after that, Tyler makes his way to the cafeteria. He remembers the layout of the hospital fairly well, considering he was stuck in it for a good few months or so after the prom incident.

He pockets the change after buying some lukewarm tea. Tyler takes a small sip to make sure it’s good before walking back to the waiting room. Brendon’s still a wreck, but he’s able to collect himself long enough to sip at the tea.

The three of them sit there for a few hours until Josh gets up, saying something about needing to be at work due to a very important client. Josh goes to take Tyler’s hand, but Tyler shoos him away. “I’m gonna stay. Can I have money for a cab, though…?”

Josh doesn’t gripe as he pulls out his wallet and hands Tyler whatever cash was in it, saying he could keep what he didn’t spend. Tyler thanks him, and if he wasn’t anxious as hell, he probably would’ve giggled when Josh planted a hesitant kiss onto his lips.

Once Josh is gone, Brendon wipes his eyes. “I’ll drive you home later.”

“Thanks.” They sit there silently for another twenty minutes until a man that Tyler assumes is Dallon’s doctor steps into the waiting room, asking for Brendon. Tyler tags along, mumbling out a bullshit lie about being Dallon’s nephew when he’s asked about his relation to the thirty two year old.

“He’s anemic, and his t-cell count dropped considerably. I’ve already changed his medications, and right now he’s a little hopped up on anesthetics.”

“Is he going to be okay, though?”

“I’m optimistic. He has ulcers in his throat and parts of his stomach, probably from stress and acid reflux, and it’s why he was coughing up blood. We’re going to keep him here for a few days, maybe a week at most, just to make sure he’s fine.”

Brendon looks overwhelmed, and Tyler falls into his ‘mother hen’ mode. (By mother hen, he means that he’s good at getting Josh to calm down, which is a feat in and of itself.) He places a hand on Brendon’s upper back, and asks if they can see Dallon.

***

To say that Dallon looks like shit is an understatement. He’s curled up under the thin hospital blanket, in an almost fetal position, sleeping not that soundly.

Tyler ducks out of the room once the man wakes up, figuring Brendon needs alone time with him.

Once the nineteen year old is gone, Brendon looks down at Dallon, saying, “Don’t ever fucking scare me like that again. I haven’t cried that much ever.”

“Sh. C’mere,” Dallon motions for Brendon to get onto the bed next to him, and Brendon agrees after a few minutes of Dallon trying to convince him that he wasn’t going to break. Cuddling is a little hard when there’s an IV in the way, along with a heart monitor connected to one of Dallon’s fingers, but they manage.

“I thought sometime terrible was gonna happen.”

“I just have a cold and acid reflux. It’s gonna take more than that to get rid of me,” Dallon mumbles sleepily as Brendon brushes hair out of his face. “I’ve been hospitalized a few times before, and I absolutely refuse to let a fucking cold kill me, so don’t you worry about me, alright?”

“I’m half Hawaiian mother and fully gay. It’s in my blood to worry unnecessarily over you.”

Dallon closes his eyes, and smiles a little bit. “I’d kiss you, but I still taste blood.”

***

"You've been smoking a lot lately," Tyler decides to comment as Josh is lighting his second cigarette of the hour, as the two of them are lounging around on the couch, sipping wine and watching an old movie.

"I'm stressed," is all Josh can say as he tips his head back, sour smelling smoke spilling from his mouth and nostrils, eyes closing, looking almost relaxed, despite that not being a very factual observation in the slightest.

"What sort of stress?" Tyler turns a little bit in his spot to face Josh, concern stitching itself into his face.

"Just... work stress, y'know?"

Tyler nods. He gets it. He leans forward and sets his wine glass down on the coffee table in front of him, and after that, he's crawling into Josh's lap and kissing him gently. Josh wouldn't ever admit it, and Tyler sure as shit knows that, but he does know for a fact that Josh is at least somewhat comforted by the affection Tyler shows him, even if it's just a little bit. Tyler has noticed that showing him affection, and kissing him and hugging him and all that mushy crap is something that calms him down.

Josh indulges Tyler, kissing him back just as gently. Not long after, he's stubbing his cigarette out in the ash tray next to where he's sitting, then shooing Tyler off his lap so he can change their position.

Tyler's confused for a second until Josh knocks back the rest of his wine, grimacing just a bit, then lying on his back, and patting the space next to him, meaning for Tyler to lie down _with_ him. Tyler complies immediately, of course, always wanting to jump at the chance to cuddle with Josh. Their legs tangle together a bit, and Tyler lies with his face on Josh's chest, one hand on the man's cheek. "What's up, J?"

"Well, for starters..." Josh lets his hand drift down Tyler's back and onto his ass, copping a sly little feel.

Tyler snorts, but doesn't say anything about it. He likes when Josh touches his ass. He's a simple man.

"There's this fat-cat moneybags politician breathing down my neck, pretty much."

"You don't run political campaigns, and the next election, after the presidential one, isn't for another four and a half years anyways." Tyler's a little befuddled.

"I know. I had a meeting with the guy last week, though. He already has his current campaign thrown together, and honestly, he has it in the bag since the primaries are over and done with, but... he's trying to find someone to throw together a good campaign for him, one that's _different_ and that _stands out,_ when the time comes, and if I'm being honest--that's my specialty. The only hitch in the giddy up is that he's a massive fucking conservative, and it's common knowledge that he's a homophobe. He said that there's going to be good money in it for me and anyone else involved, but... I could potentially fuck up the future of Ohio for the foreseeable future."

"What position is he gunning for...?"

"Governor. He used to be the head of law enforcement in Columbus in the mid nineties, and he's been the mayor of Cincinnati for the past four years, and will be for the next four years."

"When do you have to give him an answer?"

"Late 2004, early 2005 at the latest. It's not like it's going to be any time soon, but my boss has been hounding me to take him up on the offer, and I just--I don't know if I should. other than _that_ can of worms, I've just been... _tired."_ Josh lets out a sigh, and holds Tyler a little closer to himself when he feels a kiss being pressed against his jaw.

"I've noticed that you've been tired. Our sex life has been... _lacking_ as of late."

 _"Excuse_ me?" Josh's tone is laced with laughter as he props himself up to look at Tyler, who just gives him an ornery little look. "Need I remind you of how we spent our morning?"

"I do recall something about being bent over the dining table, but prior to this morning, we hadn't even done anything in over a week. I'm nineteen, man. A week is, like, ten years to me. I'm sure in your seventy four year old eyes, a week is more or less like a _blink_ to you--"

Josh scoffs, and nudges Tyler. "Shut up, you shit. Don't make me bust out the handcuffs."

Tyler gets Josh in the chest with the back of his hand, before giggling. "You shut up. We've never even _used_ those anyways."

"Well, there's always a first time for everything." Josh smirks, and plants a kiss onto Tyler's forehead.

Tyler rolls his eyes. "You're not serious, right?"

Josh shakes his head and brushes Tyler's hair out of his face as a rare gesture of genuine affection. "Nah. Never in a million years would I do something like that without your explicit consent, and especially not without a lengthy discussion beforehand, alright?"

Tyler finds himself grinning like a dumbass for some reason. He pushes Josh to where he's fully lying on his back again, and lies on top of him so he can give him possibly one of the biggest, sweetest kisses. One of Josh's hands end up on Tyler's waist, the other on his hip. Tyler pulls away so he can quietly say, "I'm really lucky to have you in my life," while looking down into Josh's eyes with a tender expression on his face.

Josh shakes his head, a small smile toying at his lips. "You've got that backwards."

"Eh, don't get me wrong--you're lucky I put up with some of your shit, _but,_ believe me when I say it--I feel very lucky to have you."

***

Tyler spends the next month watching as Josh's affectionate mood ebbs away like the tide of the ocean going down. He doesn't know why he expected it to last in the first place, and he tries reasoning with himself--Josh is busy with work, traveling back and forth between Columbus, New York, and Chicago, plus a handful of other cities. In general, June also tends to be a busy month for him since, not only is it his birth month, but he also starts getting more clients around that time of year, something about summer, or some other bullshit that Josh has explained to him a handful of times. (Added, it's also been a little over a year since the whole _prom_ thing, and they've both been a little on edge for a month or two now.)

The point is that Tyler finds himself craving affection, not caring who it comes from, but this time, instead of fucking around on Josh with another man, he corners the man in his bedroom one morning before he leaves for work, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, looking confrontational as all get out, asking, "What's going on with you, Josh?"

"I'm getting dressed," he mutters, not looking up from where he's pulling his socks on. He sounds like he has more to say, but Tyler knows him, knows that he's not going to say shit, at least not without Tyler basically having to coax it out of him.

"Don't fucking patronize me." Tyler rolls his eyes, obviously not in the mood for Josh's bullshit. "You've been distant lately, and I figure that this time I should walk the walk and try talking to you rather than fucking off and moving in wit h Ashley for a month, or cheating on you with someone else trying to forget about it."

Josh just shrugs, not answering him, opting to just stand up so he can button his shirt in front of his mirror. "I have no idea what you're talking about." It's a lousy lie, and he knows it just as much as Tyler does.

"I'm not letting you leave for work until you talk to me."

Josh frowns, and finally looks at him. "I have four inches and sixty pounds of muscle mass on you. You can't do _shit_ to stop me from going to work." (It's not that Josh is massive or anything, it's more that Tyler's underweight and struggling to put on weight, not to mention _keep_ it on.)

"You want to fucking try me?" Tyler's eyebrows go up, and his look turns into a venomous pointed one. It's at this point that Josh realizes he's not going to win, at least not in a verbal argument.

"Do you _really_ want to know?" He asks, quietly, breaking eye contact with Tyler so he can tuck his shirt into his slacks. Tyler answers him as he's sitting back down on his bed to put his shoes on.

"If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't have asked. You know that."

Josh sighs. His shoes are still held in one of his hands, dangling from two of his fingers, and he stares at them, fiddling with one of the laces with his other hand as he starts speaking. "I had an appointment with my doctor a few weeks ago and she thinks I have, and I quote, clinical depression, and I've been dealing with it by drinking and doing drugs, just as I usually do. I can't leave work right now to start going to AA or NA again and trying to get my shit together, and every antidepressant I've tried either doesn't work, has a bunch of shitty side effects, or interferes with the shit I already drink and do. I'm also supposed to go see an actual psychiatrist who specializes in this kind of stuff to see if it's actually _just_ depression, but I haven't had the time or energy. _Now_ may I leave?"

"Not yet." Tyler lets his arms drop to his sides, and he quits leaning on the door frame. "Why didn't you talk to me about any of that?"

"What the fuck was I supposed to tell you?" Josh looks up at him, and he looks exasperated, if anything. "Was I supposed to just go up to you out of the blue one day, like, _'Hey, T yler, I'm a fucking weak and pathetic piece of shit who can't get his shit together even though he's thirty goddamn years old; how was your day?'_ You _know_ I hate talking about that shit, and that I don't--I don't _like_ people seeing me be so fucking weak, so I don't know what you expect from me."

"Do you want to know what I expect from you? I expect better. I'd expect you to at least trust me enough to give me a heads up so I could, _oh, I don't know,_ try and fucking help you. I just--I _really_ would've expected you, at the very fucking _least,_ to fucking _trust me_ enough to _say something_ because you _know_ full well I would've bent over _backwards_ to help you!"

Josh groans, loudly, and throws one of his shoes onto the floor a little harder than he needs to so he can cram his foot into it. "I don't _want_ your fucking help."

Tyler's not phased. _"Too bad, Josh!" He's_ the one yelling, for once, which is a little out of the ordinary when they argue or fight, since Josh is usually the first to blow up. "We're _partners,_ and I fucking _love you,_ alright?!" Tyler steps into the room, and Josh gets his other shoe on and tied just in time for him to stand up as Tyler gets up in his face. "Why do you always have to be so fucking _self destruct_ _ive_ _?_ I don't _get it!_ Do you seriously fucking _hate yourself_ that _much?!"_

 _"You know what?!"_ Josh looks _enraged._ "If you wanted to fucking _help me,_ then you'd march your skinny ass to our kitchen, and you'd get me some fucking ibuprofen to help me with this stupid fucking hangover I have! That would help a _fuck_ of a lot better than you _yelling at me_ over this stupid fucking _bullshit!"_ Josh usually doesn't put his hands on Tyler when they're yelling at each other like this, but he _does_ nudge him a little sharply with two of his fingers.

Tyler rubs at his shoulder, feeling his chin quivering a little bit, a tell-tale sign he's about to cry, and he just gives Josh a pitying and sad look before he gives in and just listens to the request, silently and obediently, figuring it's not worth it to piss him off this early. ' _Asshole.'_


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> h-hewwo? mr obama?

Josh does what he does every year on his birthday--he goes on a drug binge and gets super fucked up, which leaves Tyler with the task of nursing him through his hangover/crash. Josh insists he's fine and is bound and fucking _determined_ to go to work a few days after he turns thirty one, and Tyler doesn't bother stopping him, because Josh gets cranky when he's hungover like this, and although Tyler tends to have the patience of a fucking saint when it comes to Josh, he's not _that_ patient.

Tyler goes on about his day that day. He doesn't have school again until August, so he mostly just... fucks around. He goes over to Ashley's apartment and hangs out with her for awhile before she goes to work, does a little grocery shopping since there's hardly anything in fridge at home, and once he's home again, he spends the rest of his day trying to work on polishing up a few songs, only detaching himself from his work when he notices that the room is getting dark from the sun going down.

He checks the time on the computer in the room once he actually notices the setting sun, and since it's nine, and since it's, like, dark and he's not in the mood to turn the light on, he decides to call it quits. Before leaving the room, he makes sure that everything he's going to need for whenever he's in there to work on music again is where it needs to me.

He feels a twinge of anxiety in his stomach before he steps out of the room, but he squashes it down, and stretches in a catlike way once the door to the room is closed behind him. He exhales slowly, and pops his neck before walking down the hallway, almost silently, en route to the kitchen to get something to drink. He stops dead in his tracks when he sees Josh standing in front of the sink, staring into it blankly.

Tyler's cautious as he approaches the man, knowing something's wrong just from looking at him. He takes note of the rank scent that crack always leaves on him, mixed with the absolutely _sour_ smell of the strain of weed that he pays a fucking mint for, layered on top of scent of Fireball. (There's an open bottle next to the sink, along with one of Josh's scotch glasses with maybe a sip's worth of Fireball in it.) "What's wrong?" Tyler asks, gently and carefully, as he walks up behind Josh, wrapping his arms around his partner's waist, and pressing a kiss into his neck.

Josh takes awhile to answer, and when he does, Tyler _feels_ his heart dropping into his stomach. "Failed a drug test. I got fired."

Tyler knows what Josh's job is to him. It's his life. Advertising is all the man knows, and it's, literally, his fucking dream job. Tyler's well aware of that, and he's heard from some of their friends how hard he worked for his Master's just so he could even _get_ the damn job in the first place, all before the age of twenty five. Tyler's well aware of all of that, and he's well aware of the fact that his partner _literally_ just lost his dream job out of basically nowhere.

Tyler squeezes his arms around Josh's waist a little tighter, and although Josh would never ask him, Tyler's, like, pretty sure that he needs a hug right now. Tyler lets his forehead rest against the back of Josh's shoulder, and he shamelessly breathes in the man's scent, somehow enjoying it. They stand there like that for awhile, Josh not moving a muscle, and Tyler unsure on what to say, at least until Josh is peeling Tyler's arms from around him, and trying to leave the kitchen so he can dig through his stash of drugs, saying, "I need to take something."

Tyler grabs his arm, though. He knows that, physically, he can't actually stop Josh from doing whatever the hell he wants, but he's going to try. "Now's not the time, Josh, especially not with what you've already taken this evening, and after your little _binge_ last weekend." Josh goes to protest, to _defy_ him, but Tyler cuts him off before he can start, tone desperate, and if he's honest, he's on the verge of tears. "You need help, Josh." Tyler likes playing dumb, and not just around other people. He likes playing dumb and turning a blind eye to Josh's drug problems, reasoning with himself that it's Josh's life and that it's none of his business, pretending that he's perfectly fine, but right now something inside of him is just clicking into place, and he's--he's _done_ ignoring it.

Josh tries tugging his arm free of Tyler's grasp, but the boy just digs his fingers in, not willing to let go until Josh either listens to him or makes him let go. "Tyler, _please."_ Josh's voice is scratchy and rough and it sounds as if he's fucking _pleading_ with Tyler, and, to be fair, Tyler sort of does want to just let him go and let him do whatever, but he's more stubborn than Josh is, so he decides to hold his ground. "I just _really_ don't want to feel anything right now."

"I know you don't, sweetie, but you don't need to do this." Tyler keeps his voice quiet and even. "I'm so sick and fucking tired of watching you suffer like this, and I--I don't know what to do, Josh." His voice does crack a few times, and he can feel tears starting to well up in his eyes. "Can you just _listen_ to me, for once?"

Josh stays perfectly still after that, long enough for Tyler to will his tears away, at least until he's watching in horror over the thirty seconds or so it takes for _Josh_ to start tearing up. Josh has cried in front of Tyler on three separate occasions, and each time, it just _hits him._ Josh doesn't gradually start crying; it always just _hits him_ like a sack of bricks, and by the time he starts, literally, sobbing, Tyler's taking control of the situation with ease, silently leading him towards the bedroom.

Tyler makes him sit down on the bed, and only leaves for less than a minute to get a bottle of water. When he returns, Josh is on his back, staring at the ceiling, eyes looking like they aren't focusing, not even botherint to wipe at his eyes or nose, and he waving one of his hands around gently, towards his neck, managing to get something out about not being able to breathe and about how all he can hear is his pulse in his ears.

Tyler sets the bottle of water down on the bedside table, and gets Josh to sit up again so he can help him out of his clothes. The first thing he does is untie Josh's tie, gently setting it on the floor next to the bed, and then he unbuttons the first few buttons on his dress shirt before sticking the back of his hand against the man's forehead. He's burning up--it's something that crack always does to him--but he doesn't comment on it because he's not warm enough to where Tyler needs to call an ambulance or anything like that.

He's gentle and careful about how he takes Josh's shoes and socks off for him. Josh tries, and fails, to unbuckle his own belt, wanting to just be out of his clothes and to not feel so confined. His hands keep slipping and he's shaking too much to do it on his own, so Tyler just gently bats his hands away, with a quick kiss to the man's cheek, as he does it himself.

Once he's finally, _finally_ down to his underwear, he feels only a little more calm, and Tyler sits in front of him, facing him, holding his hands in his own, and uses his stern and steady _please just listen to me just this once_ voice as he's instructing him; "Breathe with me, alright? In for four seconds, and out for eight."

Josh barely manages a nod. He's crying harder than he has in at least eight years. He knows the drill, though--he's been to a few of Tyler's therapy sessions with him, and he went to a handful on his own in his early twenties--so he does like to consider himself mildly knowledgeable on how to handle panic attacks. He feels that Tyler's the _true_ expert on them, though, and he's desperate right now--he's willing to do _anything_ to just _stop this._ it takes him awhile of breathing in time with Tyler, and maybe a few kisses on the cheek and lips from him as well, before he's finally breathing normally. He's still crying, of course, and there's times where Tyler has to remind him to breathe, but he gets there eventually.

He lets out a shuddering sigh against Tyler's shoulder before admitting something. "I hate myself so _fucking much."_

Tyler doesn't know what to say, because he gets it. He knows the feeling more than anyone.

"I'm just--I'm so fucking _awful,_ and I ruin _everything_ I touch."

Tyler shushes him a little bit, and rubs his back.

"I'm just so fucking _obsessed_ with trying--trying pretend I'm someone I'm not, and trying to get everyone to believe me when I say I'm _fine,_ but I'm so sick and fucking _tired of it."_ There's a two minute pause and a few murmured comments of, _'Babe, you need to breathe,'_ before Josh continues. "Everyone I've ever loved _leaves_ me. Hell, even _you_ almost did!" Tyler manages not to let his breath hitch at that. It's the closest Josh has gotten to telling him that he loves him. "I treat you like shit all the goddamn time, and I don't even know _why._ I don't want to be like this, you know? But I _am--_ it's like some sort of fucked up gag reflex, and I would _kill_ just to be a normal fucking person like I used to, but I can't--I can't--I just--I just wish I could fucking _die_ or something, because I hate this so fucking _much."_

Tyler reacts by putting a hand on the back of Josh's head, fingers toying with his soft hair. He didn't realize how _bad_ Josh was actually doing, and he hasn't seen anyone in so much _pain_ before. He curses himself for not knowing, even though there's really no way he could've helped that.

"I'm not going anywhere, Josh," Tyler assures him. He punctuates the statement by making Josh look him in the eyes. "I don't think you're a bad person when it comes down to it, alright? You're not perfect--far from it, actually--but that's fine. You're a person with a lot of flaws, as am I. Anyways, if you were really as terrible as you think you are, then I wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't love you nearly as much as I do." Tyler brushes his thumb across Josh's cheek, swiping away a few tears, before letting the man hug him tight. Josh relaxes the tiniest bit, and Tyler can feel him nodding into his neck.

"I think that, tomorrow, you need to call your doctor, and make an appointment with her to ask for that referral to a psychiatrist. I'm going to call around myself, and see if I can't find you an NA group to go to, preferably one that The Center runs. I know how much you hate The Center, and I know that you don't want to do this, but you need to. You just--you have a problem, and you need help. I just want you be happy. I don't want you to be miserable like this longer than you have to be."

***

Tyler gets some water and a meal down Josh's throat, and holds him when they go to bed that night. In the morning, once Josh is awake and mostly recovered from his hangover, and once he's eaten breakfast, one that Tyler made for him, Tyler's making him sit down at his desk, and goes so far as to type in his doctor's phone number for him before handing him the phone, saying, "All you have to do is press call, and to make an appointment, alright?"

Josh looks like shit, and he looks almost embarrassed, since Tyler stands next to him the entire time he's on the phone, just to make sure he does what he said he was going to do. Once he has an appointment set up for the next day, Tyler shoes him off so he can call around and follow through on his own promise.

***

Josh sighs to himself, and mentally curses Tyler for making him go back to NA. He knows that he needs this, but that doesn't make the experience any less miserable. He's been to a few NA and AA groups in the past, but he still finds it utterly humiliating each time, especially when it's his turn to speak. This group isn't specifically run by the Ohio LGBT Center, but the counselor of the group is affiliated with the place, and Josh recognizes everyone here as people he's either fucked or people in the LGBT community itself, meaning it's definitely a queer friendly place. The meeting is also taking place at The Center, meaning it's a fifteen minute walk from the apartment, which means that Josh doesn't have an excuse to not go. He also doesn't feel nearly as threatened as he thinks he should as he introduces himself and explains why he's there.

There's a podium at the front of the room, kind of like a centerpiece--the thing holding the room together, and it's natural that everyone's gaze ends up focused on him as he stands behind it, speaking. Josh has given countless speeches in the past, yet he stumbles around his words. "My name is Josh, and I'm an addict." He hates that he sounds like he's fresh out of some shitty Lifetime drama, but, despite that, he still continues after the chorus of, _"Hello, Josh,"_ that echoes throughout the room. "I've... had a shitty year. I was--I was mostly clean for awhile last year, but, uh... My partner--something happened to him and he almost died and since then, shit's just been getting worse and worse. I failed a drug test a few weeks ago and lost my dream job because of it, and wound up literally having an emotional breakdown because of all the shit on my plate, so I... I'm here, I guess. I'm, uh, done speaking for now." He awkwardly nods, and steps right back down from the podium to go back to his seat.

He zones out for the rest of the meeting, and if he didn't know Tyler, he would've just left early, but he figures that Tyler's going to ask him where his welcome chip is, so he decides to stick around until one gets passed out to him.

***

Brendon sends Josh a text while he's walking back to his apartment, asking him if he wants to hit up Atlantis and get shitfaced. Usually, Josh would've already been at the club, but he just replies with, _"Busy. Sorry,"_ before turning his phone off.

He stops at the diner on his way home, and orders two meals to go, figuring Tyler probably wants something to eat. He's fiddling with the chip while he waits for Pete to bring him his order, apparently forgetting that the man is basically a fucking hawk.

Pete points at Josh's hand, asking, "What do you got there, Josh?"

Josh pockets the chip as soon as the question is out, and shakes his head. "It's nothing. I just want my food."

"Bullshit." Pete rolls his eyes. "What is it?"

"Drop it, Peter," Josh grits out.

"I could probably get Tyler to tell me. I'm sure he'd know."

Josh realizes Pete already knows what it is, and just glares at him, because he's being a dick. He hands the chip to him so he can examine it. "Is this...?" Pete's eyebrows are so far up his forehead, and he's looking between Josh's face and the chip in his hand.

"Started going to NA again. First meeting was tonight," Josh admits this quietly, and puffs out a breath. "Things god bad and Tyler made me go."

Josh is expecting Pete to tease him, to put him down, but he doesn't. Instead, he steps around the counter, and pulls Josh into a hug. Josh remembers that Pete's pretty much like a father to him, even after everything that's happened. "Good. I'm happy for you. You need it. Sorry if that sounds facetious, but I mean it, Josh."

Josh hugs him back and he'd be lying if he said that he didn't have to wipe at one of his eyes. He pulls away from the hug, taking the little wooden disc from Pete when it gets handed to him. "Don't tell anyone," he mumbles. "You and Tyler are the only ones who know right now."

"Loose ships sink ships."

***

Josh comes home to Tyler standing next to the dining table, staring at the contents on it. Josh makes a mental note to get his eyes checked, since he has to squint to look at what's on the table. On the table is everything Josh owns, at least drug wise, along with all of the liquor bottles from around the apartment. "Is this everything you had?" Tyler asks. "I emptied all of your usual spots, and even found a few more."

"Um. I think so." Josh sets their food down on the table, and sifts through the pile of... _drugs_ on the table, going through his mental check list of everything he has. "Looks like everything. What are you...?"

"You're flushing all of this down the toilet, and dumping all of your liquor down the sink. I called my dad, and he told me that this is what he did to mom whenever she got super bad. Made her dump all her shit. What do you want to start with?"

There's at least five grand worth of just _drugs_ in general on the table, since Josh has standards, not to mention the liquor itself. He really _doesn't_ want to get rid of any of it, if only because he's spent so much money on it, but... "Um... Liquor, I guess, since we're in the kitchen."

Tyler helps him carry all of the liquor from the table to the counters in the kitchen, and Tyler stands behind Josh, arms crossed, as he watches the man open and pour every bottle of liquor down the drain. Josh is a little shakey, and Tyler figures it's because he's still going through withdrawals. (They're a lot better than they were, but he still looks like shit.)

Tyler watches Josh a little closer as he's emptying various baggies of coke and weed and also as he's emptying his collection of pill bottles into the toilet, making sure he doesn't miss anything. Josh hesitates, and lets out a sigh as he flushes the toilet. "I think my biggest issue with this is realizing how much I actually spent on drugs. All of that must've been at least five grand."

"At least, in the future, you won't have to be spending so much money," Tyler says, nice and quiet and gentle. As they're walking back into the bedroom, he asks, "How was NA?"

Josh pats his jacket pocket, remembering the chip. He pulls it out, and hands it to Tyler., and explains what it is. "They hand them out to new members."

Tyler gives the round bit of wood back to him, and pulls him into a hug so he can say, "I'm proud of you."

Josh hugs him back, and he doesn't let go right away. He's pretty sure that's the first time anyone's ever said that to him and actually _genuinely_ meant it. He takes both himself and Tyler by surprised when he finds himself almost silently whispering, "I love you," into the top of Tyler's head.

He's half expecting Tyler to overreact, but he doesn't. Instead, he just hugs Josh tighter, and says, "I love you too," right back to him.

When Josh isn't looking that night, Tyler has to take a minute to sit on the floor, pretty much curled into a ball, so he can just _cry._ He doesn't know if he's sad, or what, but he just _cries._ Josh is showering right now, so there's not a chance that he's going to be heard, which is one of the only reasons he lets go for a good ten minutes or so.

Tyler's not dumb--he knows that Josh loves him, because he's better at showing rather than telling, but he's never actually _said it,_ at least until now. Tyler doesn't know how it makes him feel. Of course, he loves him back, more than anything, but it feels so _rewarding_ to finally hear the fucking words come out of his mouth, especially since he means it.


	19. Chapter 19

The morning after the NA meeting, Tyler and Josh walk hand in hand to the diner. Tyler's still blooming with pride for his partner, and Josh just feels... alright. He feels alright for the first time in a long time. He can't quite shake this weird, surreal sort of feeling that he's feeling. He doesn't know why everything feels so surreal to him right now, but it _does._ He slowly works on eating the plate of waffles he orders, listening to Tyler yammer on about something to do with his music.

Tyler stalls in his talking eventually, looking to the door, which causes Josh to turn and look behind himself, only to see Brendon sauntering in, looking hungover, possibly doing a walk of shame. He reluctantly scoots over to allow his friend to sit, and finds himself wincing as Brendon asks, "What? No hangover food?" in a snide tone after noticing his choice of cuisine. (Josh usually goes for hamburgers if he's hungover.)

He just casually says, "I wasn't drinking last night," with a shrug. He looks up and catches the look Tyler's giving Brendon--one that says, _'I dare you to say something, asshole.'_

Brendon doesn't buy it, of course. He just snorts and guffaws. "Right! You were busy and _not_ drinking. Pigs can fly." Brendon's too comfortable with Josh, he realizes. He's too used to not expecting any repercussions for his snide remarks.

Josh doesn't bother trying to fight him, though. He doesn't have the energy.

Tyler feels bad for him when he catches the defeated look on his face, and when he notices Josh's chin trembling just a bit in the way it does before he starts crying, he reaches across the table and holds the man's hand in his own. Surprisingly enough, Josh reciprocates with a little squeeze, just before he's pressing the palm of his other hand against one of his eyes, rubbing, and sighing, trying not to fucking cry. He can already feel that stupid, hot feeling of tears starting to build up in his eyes, though.

"Jesus, Josh--are you _crying?"_ Brendon doesn't sound that concerned, and, actually, he sounds as if he's about to fucking _laugh_ at Josh, and, alright, it definitely takes everything in Tyler not to reach across the table and smack him across the face, _again,_ especially as the conversation goes on.

Josh takes a deep breath, and shakes his head before placing his palm on the table. He's not going to cry. He refuses to. He takes a sip of his orange juice and answers with a blunt, "No."

"Did Tyler knock you up or something...?" Brendon quirks an eyebrow at him, trying to be playful, but in reality, he comes off as a major asshole. Tyler wonders if he's self aware.

"I started going to NA again. First meeting was last night." Tyler's sure to rub his thumb across Josh's as he says that.

"Huh." Brendon's eyebrows drop now, furrowing. "Good luck, I guess. How long is it gonna last this time?"

Josh shrugs, signaling that he doesn't know, because he doesn't, and Tyler snaps at Brendon. "Why can't you just have a little _faith_ in him?" He keeps his voice quiet enough to where Brendon and Josh are the only ones who hear him. "At least he's trying, which is a _helluva_ lot more than I can say for a _lot_ of people."

"It's like the little boy who cried wolf. He's gone in the past, but never stuck with it for more than a month or two. It's hard to take him seriously, especially after he's cried wolf so many goddamn times in the past."

"Get the fuck out of here," Tyler tells him, face twisting into a nasty glare. If Tyler didn't like Brendon before, he definitely doesn't fucking like him now. He only gets a disgruntled look out of the man before he's getting up and moving to sit at a different booth on the other side of the restaurant.

Josh is quiet for a few minutes before letting go of Tyler's hand and saying, "He's right."

"No, he's not. He's an asshole, and he's wrong. He's a manipulative and borderline abusive piece of shit, in my opinion." Tyler takes a sip of his own drink, a loud one, as if to punctuate his sentence.

"It's not like he's hitting me or anything," Josh mutters. He scoots his plate away from himself, since his appetite is pretty much gone at this point.

"You of all people should know that there's other kinds of abuse. If he's going to be enabling you, let alone treating you like that, then you need to stop talking to him. You deserve better than that."

"You're too wise for a nineteen year old. Jesus."

"Listen, man. My mom's a piece of shit, and I've had a few friends like Brendon before. It's not rocket science." Tyler offers him a kind grin.

***

Later in the day, Josh is sitting in one of his bar stools, spinning around slightly, staring at the ceiling as he does, while Tyler's working on fixing lunch for either of them. "I think I might go to Deb's later," he says, as if it's an after thought.

Tyler looks over his shoulder for a few moments. "Why?"

"I want to talk to her, and I kind of want to see Nathan."

"Do you need me to go with you?"

Josh thinks about it for a few minutes, but decides that, no, he wants to talk to Debby on his own. She was his best friend before Brendon came along, and he knows that she cares about him, so he figures he should have a word with her about his life.

***

Josh sends Debby a text after he has lunch, and after finding out that Jenna was not, in fact, home, he's pretty quick to make the trip from his apartment building to where she lives in a totally different part of Columbus. (Whereas Josh lives downtown in a fairly large apartment building, Debby and Jenna live in a suburban neighborhood, fit for raising a family.)

As soon as Debby opens her front door, and as soon as she sees Josh, she gives him a tight hug, and, for once, Josh actually returns it. She tells him that she's in the middle of making lunch for herself and Nathan while she's leading him through her house.

Josh nods, and once he's in her kitchen, he takes one of her dining chairs and scoots it a little bit to where he can sit c loser to Nathan, who is sitting in a high chair, babbling about something or other, and eating Cheerios.

"How old is he?" Josh asks. He feels a little guilty for not knowing, because he feels like knowing how old his biological son is would be considered at _least_ the bare minimum.

"He turns three in January," Debby answers, simply and seemingly without judgment. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Life, I guess." Josh pauses for a little bit after that, since Nathan is offering him a Cheerio with a doofy grin on his face. Josh holds his hand out, palm up, as the two year old drops the Cheerio into it, and he pops it into his mouth, taking his time to eat it, and then thanks the toddler. "I started going to NA again."

Debby doesn't say anything, or make any comments, other than asking, "Why?"

"Things just got... bad, so Tyler pretty much made me go. Or, well--he didn't _make_ me, because ultimately, I--I _wanted_ to get help, but he played a hand in it. I mean--Jesus, I've basically hit rock bottom. I lost my job, almost lost my partner, and I barely have any friends at this point, largely because of my drug problems, and me having my head in my ass."

Josh looks up when he hears Debby walking across her kitchen, with a plate containing a sliced up banana, a dollop of peanut butter, and some crackers on it. She sets the plate in front of Nathan, and after walking back across the kitchen to get the sandwich she'd made for herself, she sits across from Josh. "When did you start going back to NA?"

"First meeting was last night. Um... I started seeing a therapist last week. I got a referral to a psychiatrist, and she referred me to a few different therapists." Josh doesn't make eye contact with her. He just picks at the beds of his fingernails. "I didn't even think I was that bad, but I haven't--I haven't _been high_ in two and a half weeks now, and it's weird."

"Didn't you used to see a doctor about anxiety stuff...? I remember driving you between my second and third year of undergrad."

"Yeah. I went for a few appointments, but ended up just selling my Xanax to Gabe for a few bucks because me and The Forehead were short on rent. My therapist--she thinks what started my... downfall, one might say, was the shit that happened with Tyler last year. I don't necessarily disagree."

Debby snorts, softly, and she sounds a little bitter. "You _were_ pretty shaken up, if memory serves me correctly." She takes a bite of her sandwich and swallows it before continuing. "To be fair, I think we were _all_ a little shaken up. It was weird, because I think we all lived in a little bubble, not thinking that people--people would _actually_ bash someone over going to their prom with another guy--and least of all that it'd happen here. Not that Ohio is some liberal, socialist dream land, of course."

"It was scary, and definitely didn't help any of my issues that I have with relationships," Josh grumbles. He leans forward and rests his face in one of his hands. He's still not making eye contact with Debby. "I mean, my first girlfriend was _you,_ and we only broke up because you came out to me. On top of that, my first actual boyfriend was--was a piece of _shit_ to put it lightly--and then Tyler, who, by far, is the person I've had the healthiest romantic relationship with _ever_ \--could have died."

"How's he handling all of this anyways...? It's just that he's so _young,_ and stuff like this isn't that easy to deal with."

"Surprisingly well, honestly. So far, he's basically the only one who's been actively trying to support me. He's a fucking saint, I swear. I don't know how he has the patience to deal with me."

"It's because he loves you. Personally, I'm very glad that you're trying, and I think the fact that you're going back to NA, and seeing a therapist, shows that you're braver than you think you are."

Josh gives her a bit of a sad, half grin. "I know he does, and thank you. I just... need awhile. To get back on my feet, at least emotionally. I have enough savings to coast by for at _least_ twenty years, but I still want to start working again eventually."

"I never thought I'd live to see the day that these words left my mouth, but... I think you need to take some time for yourself, to work on your own problems, rather than ignoring them like you've done in the past, because obviously that wasn't working. You do know I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk to, right? You're like a brother to me."

"Thanks. That's why I'm here. Wanted to talk to someone who was older than twenty one."

"Fair enough. How's ah... how's everyone else doing as far as being supportive goes...?"

"Pete seems to be happy for me, and Brendon doesn't think it will stick. Tyler all but ripped him a new asshole over it. I, uh, haven't told anyone else, but I figure Brendon's going to tell his professor boyfriend, and that Pete's going to tell Patrick, and I assume you're going to tell Jen."

***

Josh has a habit of opening up to Tyler just before they go to bed, no matter how late it is, and no matter how tired either of them are. Tyler doesn't mind it, since it just means that Josh is at least talking to him.

Present time, Josh is sort of sitting up, propped up against his pillows, with Tyler tucked into his side as they're catching up on the newest episode of a TV show they both like. They're both sort of fooling around a bit--Josh keeps reaching down to grab Tyler's ass, on grounds of _it's fun to touch_ \--and Tyler keeps occasionally pressing messy, open mouthed kisses onto Josh's neck, sometimes leaving a hickey, and sometimes trying to tease Josh by cupping him through his sweatpants.

Tyler's about to slide his hand into Josh's pants when Josh reaches down, takes Tyler's hand, and moves it to where it's somewhere else on Josh's abdomen. "Not in the mood?" Tyler mumbles against his neck.

Josh shakes his head. "Not really. Not that I don't love your handjobs--"

"--I was thinking of making it a blowjob."

"Alright, well, it's not that I don't love getting sucked off, but I was... kind of wondering if I could talk about, uh... therapy. Like, talk about what happened, I guess." Josh moves his own hand from Tyler's ass to somewhere else on his back, and he uses the remote to turn the TV down a little bit before Tyler answers him.

"Of course you can talk about that, man." Tyler adjusts himself to be in a slightly different position, and also to where he's less likely to fall asleep, since he was feeling pretty goddamn comfortable. "Did you have some major breakthrough?"

"No, no. It's just that I, uh... Told her about some stuff that I haven't even told _you_ about."

"Can I ask what it was...?"

"I was going to tell you, but I mean, you _can._ Can I explain what I was talking about that, like, lead up to the conversation...?"

"Go for it."

"Okay, so... When I talked to Deb last week, I brought up that every relationship I've been in--something always goes _wrong._ I didn't go into any detail, but I was talking to my therapist about those relationships, and she asked me to explain it, right?"

Tyler nods.

"So, I tell her that my first relationship, which was with Debby, ended with her telling me that she was a lesbian and that she didn't love me like she thought she did, which was fine. I was honestly close to dumping her myself, but she beat me to it. I glossed over my first _boyfriend,_ because he was--he was awful, then I told her about you and the, uh, prom stuff that happened, and I honestly thought she was going to ask me about you more, but she asks me to elaborate on why my first boyfriend was awful."

"If I'm being honest, I've always kind of wondered. I mean, you've made a few offhand comments about him before, but I never pushed it because it sounds like it's, well, none of my business, and also that it's something... serious, I guess, and you're not usually super talkative."

"I probably would've told you to mind your own fucking business if you would've asked me at any other point in time. I explained what the deal was. What he was like, what _happened_ between us that caused me to dump him, and explained that I'm pretty sure a lot of my intimacy issues stemmed from, uh, that relationship. She then asked me if I ever bothered to make you aware of what happened between me and him, and obviously I haven't, so I told her as much, and she thinks I should talk to you about it."

"Any reason why? Like, I'm totally down to listen to you, because I love you and all that shit, but I'm--I'm not quite getting _why_...?"

"Disclosure, I guess. I haven't exactly been the best when it comes to opening up to you on an emotional level, and being intimate with you, but like, not in the sex way. Like... I don't know how to explain it. I know I'm getting better about it, at least I hope I am, but I haven't exactly let myself _be_ in a relationship with you, because I'm just--I'm _scared_ that something's going to happen."

"That's reasonable. What am I supposed to do with the information?"

"I don't fucking know, man. She said something about how it might help _you_ to be more understanding, even though you seem like you already are."

"I think--I think it's more like I understand that you have boundaries, and I know when and when _not_ to push, but I don't understand _why._ Not that you can't have boundaries--because you totally can--but there's literally been times you've yelled at me for trying to _hug_ you, so... y'know. Anyways, go on, if you want."

"Alright. A few weeks after I turned twenty two... I was at a bar, and I met this guy."

"What kind of guys was young Josh into?"

Josh rolls his eyes. "Same kind of guys as I'm into now. Tall, skinny, and pretty. Anyways, he came onto me, all smiles, and I went back to his place and we fucked, right? He fucked me like I'd never been fucked before, and it was great. So, y'know, I kept seeing him. Me and Brendon were roommates at the time, and Brendon _hated_ him, and I mean _hated_ him, and not in the way he hates you. He literally, like, sat me down, and said, _'Hey, Josh, I don't think he's a good person and I think you can do better than him.'_ Of course, I was twenty two and stupid, so I just basically told him to fuck off because he's not my mom."

"Understandable. Brendon's kind of... grating."

"Yeah, he really is. I kept seeing him, obviously. We didn't have a healthy relationship at all. He was--he was quite a bit older than me. Like, I'm pretty sure he was almost forty at the time we started seeing each other. Jesus, he ought be pushing fifty by now..." Josh sighs, and scrubs his hand down his face. "That's part of why I wasn't necessarily too _keen_ on, y'know, being with you, in a relationship. I was--I was worried I'd turn out to be like _him_ and I--I liked you. I didn't want to do even half the shit he did to me to you."

"Sometimes you can be kind of an asshole, but you're a good guy, Josh. I'm certain that you're nothing like him."

"Thank you." Josh pats Tyler on the back, gently, and Tyler reaches up to run his fingers through Josh's hair. "Sex with him wasn't always... Completely consensual. A lot of things weren't, I guess...? I dunno. I was kind of scrawny when I was younger. Not as scrawny as you are, but I wasn't nearly as big as I am now, and I'll be fucking honest--I was basically the dictionary definition of twink. He was--he was well over six feet tall and he was intimidating as fuck so sometimes he'd come onto me and I just--he made it feel like I couldn't say no. It was as if just because we were dating, I was obligated to let him fuck me, y'know? And if I said no--he would always get _so mad._ He would literally yell and scream and get up in my face about it--and I hated it. He made me feel so fucking _small."_

When Josh talks, he tends to move one of his hands around, and when Tyler sees that it's shaking, he grabs his hand and holds it.

"I'm always so scared that I do that to you. Not--not the sex thing, of course--but I'm always so scared I'll make you feel like that, because it's not--it's not a good fucking feeling."

"I know what that feeling feels like, and you've never made me feel like that, if it makes you feel any better."

"It does, actually. Anyways, just... Near the end there, there were a few _incidents._ The first time--I just--I wasn't in the _mood_ because I had finals in a week, and I was so, _so_ close to having my master's, which is something I worked really fucking hard for, and he started coming onto me, and I just flat out told him to stop, because I needed to study and his apartment was closer than Pete's was, and Brendon had someone over, so, _y'know._ Up until that point he never... He never _hurt_ me, I guess. He was so fucking _angry_ about it and wasn't taking no for an answer. He just--he _assaulted_ me, and I thought it was my fault basically, and I still kind of feel like it was, because, really--I could've just _let him,_ and it wouldn't have hurt as bad or been as bad. The _last_ time anything happened, we were at some fucking party in someone's basement, and he hands me a drink, and the next thing I know I'm waking up on some dingy fucking mattress, he's _gone,_ and everything just hurts."

Josh's voice starts wavering and cracking near the end there in the way that it does when he's about to cry, so Tyler sits up, and gets him to sit up fully so he can hug him.

Tyler can feel his shoulder getting a little wet as Josh apologizes to him. "I'm--I'm sorry for unloading like that. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Josh. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. You're more than allowed to talk to me about things, especially if it was bugging you so much, alright?"

Josh nods, and lets Tyler hug him for a minute or two before he pulls away, and sits up fully, rubbing at his eyes. "I don't know why I haven't told anyone before. Do you know how good it feels to not be the only one who fucking _knows?_ I felt it earlier when I told my therapist and I'm feeling it now--it feels like--"

"Kind of like a weight's been lifted off your shoulders...?" Tyler knows the feeling.

"Yes. As cliche as it sounds, yes."


	20. Chapter 20

It takes Tyler a few more months and a few weeks worth of all nighters before he's fully and independently produced his first album. Like, a full on fifteen songs plus three bonus tracks kind of _album._ Present time, he's a week into being twenty, and Josh is in the midst of calling in a few favors to give Tyler some much needed promotion, promising that he's going to make the boy a _star_ if he can help it.

Tyler manages to be civil about coming to an agreement with Brendon to sell the album in the man's record store, similar to the EP, and he also manages to chat up a few of the people from one of the radio stations in Columbus, hopefully securing him a little _air time_ when he actually releases said album. Tyler feels hopeful about his future.

***

"I don't need a _party,_ Pete," Tyler mutters as he's making himself at home on Pete's couch.

"You literally produced an entire album _on your own,_ and you're _twenty._ You're getting a party whether you like it or not." Pete raises his voice as he responds from his kitchen. "Also, you want a beer or anything?"

"No thanks, man," Tyler shouts back to him. As he hears footsteps going from the kitchen to the living room, he responds in a normal volume. "I've decided to quit drinking and using after Josh's whole thing. Moral support and all."

"More for me, then. That's good, though. You're a year too young to be drinking anyways."

Tyler rolls his eyes. Pete's right, of course.

"Why are you here, anyways?" Pete's on the floor in front of his coffee table, working out shifts for the other employees in the diner, since he recently got promoted to manager.

"Josh is at a doctor's appointment, and he has, like, a bunch of other shit to do today, and I don't have any classes until the afternoon, _so,_ I figured that it'd be more fun to park my ass on your couch rather than my own. We also haven't talked in awhile."

"Your own couch? What happened to 'Josh's this' and 'Josh's that'?"

"I've lived with him for almost two years. His couch is just as much mine as it is his at this point. We share things. It's not that deep."

Pete clicks his tongue, and Tyler knows he's getting _the look._ The look that means Pete's trying his hardest not to tease him.

***

"Are you sure you want to go? There's going to be alcohol, and I wouldn't be surprised if _other_ stuff worked its way onto the premises." Tyler standing behind Josh, who's working on something at his desk, while he rubs the man's shoulders.

Josh bats his hands away from his shoulders. "I'm going. You've been busting your ass for, like, six months now, and I've invested quite a bit of money in you. I'll be fine. Anyways, you'll be there, and you're oddly persuasive."

Tyler huffs at him. "I'm not going to be able to just watch you all night." He sits on the floor behind Josh's desk, next to his desk chair, so that he's still close, but out of the way. "I just don't want things getting bad again, alright? The seventeenth of January marks six months since you've been clean, _which,_ by the way, I'm super proud of you for." Tyler does lean forward so he can take Josh's hand and kiss the back of it.

Josh lets out a little huff of his own as he's scooting back in his desk chair, before rolling it towards a filing cabinet. While he's looking through one of the drawers, he mumbles, "It's not really that impressive."

"Oh, don't be modest." Tyler rolls his eyes into the back of his head. "I, myself, am quite impressed with you." He offers josh a grin.

Josh turns towards him, a file in one hand. As he's rolling back towards his desk, he responds. "What? Did you think I couldn't do it?"

"Not at all. I knew you could. I have a surprising amount of faith in you, y'know." Tyler's sure to give Josh a look that totally makes him secretly melt.

Josh scrunches his face up a little bit. "I think you believe in me more than _I_ believe in me."

"Someone has to, and, I mean... I love you more than anything, so I don't see why that person shouldn't be me. Anyways, what are you even doing? You've been at your desk, like, all day."

"Well... I'm toying with the idea of starting my own advertising agency." Josh flips the file open in his hands, and reaches for his reading glasses, which he keeps next to his desk. He wipes them down with a tissue before putting them on and ignoring Tyler, who calls him a nerd.

"You should do it. I've always wanted to fuck a CEO. Something about someone in a position of power taking advantage of me, a stunning young ingenue, always gets me going."

Josh starts laughing. "I love you, but you're so full of _shit,_ Tyler. _Though..._ That would explain why our relationship works, what with you being eleven and a half years younger than me."

"See, the only issue with that is that you're implying that you're in charge, which is totally false. I'm _so_ the one in charge in our relationship."

"Really?" Josh looks and sounds unimpressed.

"Yes. Like, right now, if I asked you to give me twenty bucks, or if I asked you to go get me a glass of water or something, you'd totally do it."

"Twenty bucks and a glass of water doesn't mean you're in charge, dickhead. It just means I'm nice to you. _Anyways,_ this isn't about you getting to fuck a CEO, although that is a perk of it. This is about me getting my shit together, and making that next step in my life."

"Oh, _c'mon,_ Joshie. Live a little." Tyler pouts.

"I've lived _plenty._ Honestly, I just want to take life slow right now. Like... maybe that 'peace and quiet' thing that people talk about isn't as overrated as I thought it was."

Tyler groans. "Ew. Quit being so old."

"I'm thirty."

"Thirty one."

"Whatever. I'm not _old._ You're just young and inexperienced compared to me."

"I'm not inexperienced. I have, like, done things." Tyler's joking, and he's trying not to start giggling. Josh is smiling a little bit as he looks over a sheet of paper.

"Babe, you're barely twenty. You still have plenty of living to do."

"I've lived, man. I've spent the past, like, two years doing big kid things, like having sex and doing drugs."

"You're cute," Josh drawls in a condescending, patronizing tone.

"Oh, fuck off, dick. Not everyone has the time for a decade of drug use and one night stands."

"Fair enough. Also, that reminds me of something that I, personally, think is both huge and impressive--"

"--your dick?"

"--no, but you're not wrong--" Josh looks so proud of himself for that, and it makes Tyler laugh; "--I haven't slept with anyone, besides you, since my birthday."

Tyler lets his jaw drop. It's not like he's not _aware,_ but it's still weird. "No way. Sex is, like, your middle name!"

"I really haven't, and, no, it's William, after my father. I just haven't been out anywhere, so I haven't really had the chance in the first place."

"You must be itching to tap the ass of some other cute twink. Jeez."

Josh looks at Tyler, face slightly perplexed. "Honestly...? I'm really not. Like... for the first time in my life, I'm _satisfied_ with what I have. I mean, _sure,_ I'm not exactly where I want to be, and my life is by no means perfect, but I just--I've worked through a lot of my issues, and I don't have this _need_ to fill the void up with sex anymore. I have other things I want to do, y'know?"

"It's still cool that, occasionally, I sleep with other people, right...?" Tyler just wants clarification.

"Just as long as it isn't more than once. That's still part of our agreement, so don't sweat it."

Tyler gets up after that, and takes a step forward, bending down a little bit to say, "Gimme a kiss."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because I'm cute and we love each other?"

"Mm... That's a good point." Josh turns his head a little bit to indulge Tyler.

***

Josh finds himself sitting off to the side as he watches Tyler chat a few people up. He's a little bored, and not overly interested in talking to anyone. He ignores the dirty looks that he catches Brendon throwing his way, not even bothering to return them. Brendon can be angry all he wants, Josh decides. It's not his problem, and he's just trying to learn how to let things go.

Josh finds himself giving _Dallon_ a weird look when the man walks over and sits down at his table with him. Josh speaks before he can get a word in edgewise. "Aren't you supposed to hate me?"

He shrugs. "Probably. I'm sure that Brendon expects me to, at least. Speaking of Brendon... Well, he's Brendon, but just because he's not fond of you at the moment, doesn't mean that I'm not. Anyways, I do consider Tyler a friend of mine, and I see him on a daily basis, so it's just easier if I don't hate you, y'know?"

Josh grunts, and shifts awkwardly. "Why are you over here instead of being with your little housewife?"

"Brendon's half past plastered, and I can't stand him when he's drunk like that. I also don't drink more than a beer here and there once or twice a month. I also figured you could use some company." Dallon smiles politely, and Josh sighs internally.

He makes a noise of affirmation, to acknowledge him, before he gets to work on making a crane out of a napkin to kill a little time.

Dallon starts talking again. "Did I ever tell you how I got HIV?"

Josh answers, tone sounding nice and bored, with, "We've never spoken to each other, so, no, you haven't. Let me guess, though--you let someone fuck you without a condom."

Dallon shakes his head, and Josh really hates that he's so _nice._ Most everyone would tell him to fuck off after dealing with a small dose of attitude from him, but Dallon doesn't. To be fair, though, he somehow has the patience to be in a relationship with Brendon. "When I first started college, I had a few not-so-great friends. I'm not going to give you my sob story--I usually save that for my family--but it's kind of like those anti-drug commercials you see all over TV." Dallon rolls his sleeves up, and shows Josh his arms. There's a bunch of tiny, faint, round scars that Josh recognizes way too easily. Hell, he has a few of his own.

"Track marks. Huh. Didn't peg you for the type."

"Yeah. Most everyone I've met doesn't. Anyways, I was just... in a really shitty place. I was depressed when I was a teenager, and that didn't just magically go away the second I went off to college. One of my not so great friends offered me something that would supposedly make everything better, y'know?"

Josh nods, because he knows.

"It went on for a few years, I did what I could to cop heroin here and there, had a few incidents with overdosing, and somewhere along the way, I used a dirty needle. I quit cold turkey after I got diagnosed, and spent about a year in rehab before moving here, finishing my degree, and getting the job I have now. February tenth, 2003, marks ten years." Great. He's one of _those_ people, who can stay clean.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" Josh is frowning a little bit, since he doesn't _get it._ He hasn't spoken more than a few words to Dallon since he's met the guy, yet here he is, spilling his guts.

"I know that we don't really know each other too well, and I know you didn't like me a whole lot when me and Brendon first started seeing each other, but... Tyler told me what was going on, since he's one of my students, and since he looks up to me in the way a student does to their teacher. That, and Brendon bitched to me about it, and I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, alright? You probably still have a lot of shit to go through, and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to, or, shit, even a _sponsor,_ feel free to hit me up. Also--don't worry about Brendon. Any conversation we may or may not have is totally confidential, and if he ever says anything, I'll handle it, since he at least listens to me."

"Does he know? About your stuff, I mean." Josh doesn't really know what to think.

"He has about the same knowledge that you do. He knows I didn't get it from sex, but I also haven't gone into detail, if you catch my drift. I, ah... don't typically tell anyone, if I'm honest."

Josh looks down at his hands, which are fidgeting with the napkin crane he'd made. "I don't... I don't really open up to anyone. Ever. I mean... I'm fairly open with my therapist, and Tyler, but they're both a given. I just--I have trouble trusting people. Too many people have broken my trust, so I just _quit_ at some point."

"I'd say you can trust me, but that's up to you to decide. Like I said--any conversations we might or might not have, Brendon won't hear a word of. It's none of his business unless you make it his business."

Josh wipes at one of his eyes, and sighs a little bit, since he didn't realize he'd been tearing up. "Thank you, man. For saying all of that, I mean. It, uh... it means a lot more to me than you think. Everyone's been so..." Josh trails off, not knowing the word.

"Unsupportive?"

"Yeah. Debby, Pete, and Tyler are the only ones who haven't said anything outright discouraging, at least to my face, and you, I guess, but we don't talk to each other."

"I know the feeling, trust me. Um. Do you need a hug...? You look kind of miserable."

Josh shakes his head. "No, I'm good. Thanks, though. I, uh, have Tyler if I ever need hugs."

Dallon smiles at him, and as he gets up to gravitate back towards Brendon, he pats Josh on the back. "Gotcha."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is wednesday my dudes
> 
> i might upload the last chapter of this part today depending on some stuff? idk i might like. get busy and be unable to update on friday so yknow >:')


	21. Chapter 21

Between the party celebrating Tyler's album, and January 17th, life goes back to being more or less... _normal._ Josh has a few meetings with Patrick to sort out his expenses, and to see how much it leaves him with were he to start his own advertising agency.

On the morning of the seventeenth, Tyler decides to wake Josh up with breakfast _not_ in bed, since Josh is picky about eating in the bedrooms, but he does at least nudge him awake to inform him that he'd cooked Josh his favorite breakfast foods.

The meal consists of two chocolate chip pancakes, topped with maple syrup and whipped cream, then a side of scrambled eggs, slightly overdone with a dash of pepper. There's another plate next to the pancakes with bacon, and sausage, and what Josh is pretty sure is some fried zucchini, which is one of his favorite things ever. And last, but not least, there's a glass of orange juice, filled just right. Josh is honestly blown away, and his first reaction is to ask, "Alright, uh... what did you do?"

"It's the seventeenth, Josh. I've been up cooking for, like, two hours, so you best eat all of it. Or most. I just wanted to do something nice for you."

While Josh eats, Tyler goes about reheating leftover ravioli for himself, which doesn't take more than five minutes. When he sits down across from Josh, he finds the older man reaching across the table to squeeze Tyler's hand, and only says, "Thanks." Although one would assume he meant for the breakfast, Tyler knows full well that he meant for everything.

***

Tyler blows off his classes that day, and manages to talk Josh into going on a walk with him. It's cold, given it's the middle of January in Ohio, and Tyler has to wear three jackets, a hat, a scarf, and a pair of Josh's gloves as to not freeze. Josh, being _not_ underweight, can get away with only wearing a heavy jacket, gloves, and a hat.

"Where are we going?"

Tyler shrugs. "Dunno yet. I like exploring. I was thinking about getting something for lunch, then walking to that one park to eat."

"Too cold to eat outside."

"Aw, c'mon, Josh." Tyler pouts and throws his arms over Josh's shoulders. Instinctively, Josh's arms settle around Tyler's waist, and Tyler almost giggles as he kisses Josh. "It'll be romantic."

"You're literally wearing three jackets. We aren't eating in a park, Tyler. I don't want you catching a cold or something."

Tyler makes a face. "Fine, I guess. Where should we eat?"

"The diner is the only place within walking distance that has alright food."

Tyler wanted to eat somewhere that was a step above the diner, but he doesn't argue, because Josh is right.

By the time they're walking into the diner, it's nearing three in the afternoon. Josh stops dead in his tracks, and tries pulling Tyler out of the establishment when he spots Brendon on the other side of the diner, eating with Patrick, Dallon, and Jenna.

Tyler doesn't spare their table more than a glance before he's turning towards Josh, and pointing at the booth closest to the door. "We can just sit here, alright? You can sit with your back facing them, and if we need to, we can leave."

Josh lets out a breath, and nods. Tyler feels a little bad for him, in a way. He's been so used to him being all large and in charge for so long, but now that he's not using or drinking, and now that he's actually starting to get his shit together, he's been so _meek_ and _anxious_ and Tyler hates seeing him anxious, if only because he's protective.

They sit down, order their respective drinks, and Tyler starts talking, in an attempt to distract Josh and to get him to stop worrying. Tyler can tell from how he's acting that he's, like, _not_ doing too great. He's frowning and fidgeting and tapping his fingers against the table, and usually when Tyler notices him acting like this, acting restless and like he wants to just get the fuck out of there, talking to him or trying his best to take him out of the situation usually helps.

"So, I have to find a way to get to Cleveland next week. I got a call from a radio station that wants to interview me. I don't think it's an overly popular one, but I could always use the promotion."

Josh nods along with him. "I've been trying to work on doing my job for you, but I've just..." The man sighs, and puts his head in one of his hands. He's stressed. Tyler's not surprised, given he's been working almost constantly for the past month or so.

"Hey, it's fine. You're doing it for free anyways, and you've done a _lot_ for me."

"You've done more for me," He deadpans.

"And this isn't a pissing contest of support, alright? Though, if you _really_ want to do me a favor, _you_ should drive me to Cleveland next week."

"I have a bunch of meetings next week, Ty." And now he looks guilty. "Like, I'd love to--"

"Get that that look off your face. Work stuff takes precedence over my stuff right now. It's fine. I'll talk to Ashley or someone else, or I'll see if I can borrow someone's car. Can I ask for gas money, though?"

Josh squints at him. "Your bank account is attached to mine. I know you can afford gas."

"Josh, you literally have over two million in yours. I've got two grand. Be a good _partner."_

Josh rolls his eyes a little bit. "You're such a little shit. How much do you suppose you'll need?"

"A few hundred, just to be safe."

"Alright. Also, I'm trying to cut down on spending. It's not cheap starting a business, especially one in advertising." Josh shakes his head. "Talked to the accountant, and he said I could easily expect to lose at least half of my savings."

"Jesus. That's insane." Tyler winces.

Josh nods. "I'm hopeful that it'll work out, though. If not, I can just retire and invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like a good backup plan. If I ever get rich, you can ride on my coattails."

Josh chuckles a bit. "We'll see."

Their meals arrive shortly after that, and the two of them take a break from talking so they can eat. Josh barely gets half way through his sandwich and a plate of fries when Brendon walks over and taps him on the shoulder. Josh jumps, obviously not expecting it, and swears around a mouthful of food.

Tyler gives Brendon a look that means he better watch his mouth, and Brendon himself just looks unsure on what he wants to say, which means that Josh ends up snapping at him. "What the fuck do you want?"

"I--I was hoping we could talk...?"

"Now's not the time," Josh tells him.

"Josh--"

"We're on a date, dude. How would you feel if I showed up while you and the professor were on a date, and demanded to speak to you? Huh? You'd tell me to fuck off, so that's what I'm doing. Fuck off. I'll text you when I'm not busy."

Brendon honestly looks dejected before he stalks back over to his table, and Tyler doesn't miss the dirty look Jenna throws their way. He also doesn't miss Dallon turning around to give either of them a sympathetic look before mouthing, _"Sorry,"_ to Tyler.

Tyler ignores them, and asks Josh if he's alright. He's noticed that Josh gets... _irritable_ before he's about to start working himself into an anxiety attack.

Josh just sighs and pushes his plate away from himself, muttering something about losing his appetite, and Tyler waves a waitress over to ask to have their food packaged to go. Once that's done, Josh leaves a hundred dollar bill on the table, muttering something to Tyler about not having any other bills on him.

***

After the whole diner debacle, Tyler takes Josh by the hand, and starts walking again. Josh lets the twenty year old drag him along, not really having it in him to argue with him. He doesn't really even have a reason to argue in the first place, but he knows that, in the past, he would've been griping and blowing Tyler off.

It's weird to Josh how much being _clean_ has affected him emotionally. On one hand, he hates that he suddenly has to feel, deal, and process all of his anxiety and depression issues, not to mention his trauma, but on the other, he's secretly glad that he's also able to just let himself experience life, and mainly his relationship with Tyler, plus some of his friendships that he's neglected in the past.

Specifically his relationship with Tyler, though. Josh used to spend most of his time being vaguely annoyed at him, since he's assertive and stubborn, but recently he's grown both used to his stubbornness and assertiveness, and _grateful_ for it. He's not so much more for Josh than he'll ever even _know,_ and Josh will literally never be able to articulate, in words, what it all means to him.

For the most part, he's just realizing how much he actually cares about Tyler, which is more than he thought was possible, at least for him, and he's finally letting himself fall in love again, because he feels like he can trust Tyler not to betray him or hurt him like any of his past partners have. Of course, he's still too emotionally constipated to confess any of this to Tyler, at least on purpose, but he tries expressing it with kind gestures, affection, and, obviously, through sex. Sex is like a whole other language to Josh.

Being in love is weird for him. He's always been too _scared_ to pursue a relationship past the one he had with _He Who Shalt Not Be Named_ , and given that, in the past, almost every time he's opened up to anyone, he's gotten betrayed, but with Tyler... it's different. He's so _accepting,_ and he doesn't push Josh away, and he didn't judge him one bit when he finally broke down and got some help.

Instead of reacting with sarcasm or anger (like Brendon did, for example) he literally did his research, and found an NA group for him to go to, which, by the way, is a _really accepting_ ground, and not at all judgmental, unlike some of the ones he's gone to in the past, and, _shit--_ Tyler even went out of his way to call the counselor for the group just to make sure it would be the right fit for Josh.

Sometimes Tyler makes him nervous as hell. Josh hasn't ever felt so _nervous_ around someone, at least not like he feels with Tyler. Tyler gives him that butterflies in the stomach and heart racing so fast he might throw up, which is something he's never _felt_ before. It makes him feel _alive._ It reminds him that, yeah, there's at least one good thing in this world, and that one thing is Tyler.

Sometimes Tyler will just look at him with his dumb, pretty, hazel eyes, and his stupid grin with his stupid crooked teeth that are somehow adorable, and so, _so_ endearing, not to mention his freckles that get way more obvious in the summer when he's nice and tanned, and, god--he's just so _beautiful._ Josh sometimes feels as if the wind's been knocked out of him just from looking at Tyler.

Aside from the nervous and exciting feelings, when it comes to Tyler, Josh just feels calm and comfortable and safe. He likes that Tyler can show him the simplest gesture of affection, and somehow it just... calms him down, no matter how stressed or upset he is.

And, really, it's not until Tyler suddenly stops walking and tightens his grip on Josh's hand that Josh realizes he accidentally said, out loud, "I think I'm in love with you," as soon as the realization had hit him like an oncoming vehicle.

Tyler's frozen to his spot, trying to process what Josh had just fucking said to him after just a little over two years of being together, and Josh tries backtracking, saying, "Fuck--I didn't mean to say that out loud," and trying to yank his hand from Tyler's group, but Tyler just cuts him off with what's possibly the clumsiest and most poorly executed kisses ever, gripping the lapels on Josh's wool coat _very_ tightly in his hands.

Tyler pulls away, and refuses to make eye contact with Josh, opting to just hug him as tight as he can. He knows Josh has that dumb shocked look on his face; like, the wide eyes and mouth slightly open one, and Tyler is burning up just thinking about it, even as he says, "You're such an asshole."

"I just basically confessed that I'm in love with you, and you're calling me an asshole?"

"Oh, just shut up," Tyler tells him with a smile and a giggle before he kisses Josh again, a little slower and more smooth this time, whispering, "I think I'm in love with you too," right back to him.

***

They pretty much _race_ back to the apartment, and as soon as they're inside, Tyler is basically dragging Josh to the bedroom, and Josh is more than happy to follow him. They're almost frantically peeling their clothes off, aside from their underwear, as they clumsily kiss while trying to get onto the bed, with Tyler in the position he usually starts off in, straddling Josh's thighs, and Josh leaning against the headboard, gripping Tyler's hair, and his hip just about as tight as he can. (Not actually that tight, since Josh possesses a lot more strength than he lets on, but enough to hurt just a tiny bit. Not in the bad way, though. He'd never intentionally hurt Tyler, and he usually tears up a little bit when he does on accident. He knows that Tyler kind of likes it when he's rough with him, though, and he's experienced in the art of rough sex.)

Josh ends up taking his time with Tyler, takes the time to caress him, and run his hands up and down Tyler's body, and Tyler returns he sentiment. As an offhand comment at some point when Tyler is between his legs, sucking him off, mostly to get him hard, he says, "You got a bump on one of your balls," before going back to his previous activities.

Josh just breathily says, "It's probably an ingrown hair, but I'll get it checked out," before letting himself get lost in all of the sensations.


	22. Chapter 22

Josh schedules an appointment with his doctor a few days after Tyler points out the bump. He doesn't say anything to anyone, as per usual when it comes to him and his personal issues, since that's just how he works. Added, he sort of just doesn't want to say anything to anyone until he knows _for sure_ what's wrong. (He's hoping that it's just a benign cyst, but a nagging voice in the back of his head refuses to let him believe that.)

He's riddled with anxiety throughout the appointment. The RN on call takes his vitals and goes through a checklist of symptoms, saying something about not wanting to miss _anything,_ and Josh thinks that with as much as he pays for his healthcare, the staff at this hospital sure as shit better _not_ miss anything.

The RN even takes the time to feel his neck, and to make sure his lymph nodes aren't swollen, and while she's doing that, she asks if he's had any flu-like symptoms either. Josh tells her that, no, he has basically no other symptoms, aside from the fact that there's something _there_ that shouldn't be.

His doctor comes in eventually, does an _examination,_ and the next thing Josh knows, he's getting blood drawn, and he spends the rest of his day getting a series of other tests done at the request of his doctor, who Josh likes to think he can trust.

A few days after that whole ordeal, his doctor calls him, and he goes in, _praying_ he was right--that it's just a benign cyst--but, of course, his doctor and the group of doctors involved in all the stupid _tests_ think otherwise, and Josh winds up getting referred to some oncology center in Maryland, after he explains that money isn't an issue for him.

Josh is sitting in his car in the newly built parking garage across the street from his apartment when he schedules an appointment with the oncologist. He has a stack of post-its and a pen in hand as he scribbles down information he needs to know, sticking written on post-its around his steering wheel whenever he runs out of space. He doesn't take any time to think or to let anything sink in as he gathers up all the sticky notes, oldest on top, and walks across the street and up to his apartment. He staples them together and slides them face down under the keyboard on his desk in the living room before heading straight to his bedroom, not even saying anything to Tyler on his way.

He needs time to himself, and he'd prefer to spend that time in his bed, lying face down. Needless to say, he's had a pretty terrible week. He goes between lying there staring at the analog clock on his side table and snoozing for a few hours until Tyler walks in to check on him.

Tyler's gentle with him, just as he always is, and he's sure to gently rap his knuckles against the door frame to let Josh know he's coming in. He keeps his voice low and quiet as he asks, "Are you alright?" He walks across the room to sit on the bed in front of where Josh is lying, and rests a hand on the man's lower back before he continues, as a gesture of affection. "Heard you come in, but you never said anything, so... Figured I should check."

"I had a shitty day," is all Josh mumbles in response to him as he adjusts his position to be a little more comfortable.

Tyler says, "Alright," and they sit there in silence for a few minutes, him rubbing Josh's back, and Josh lying there, and least until Josh is rolling onto his right side, and scooting back a few feet in his bed so he can live the blanket up. Tyler raises an eyebrow at the fact that Josh is still wearing jeans and a t-shirt, in bed, but doesn't say anything since Josh is patting the space in front of him.

Tyler lies in front of Josh, and they try spooning for a solid five minutes or so before Josh is groaning (quietly, of course) and man handling Tyler into a new position. Tyler's on his back this time, with Josh's head on his chest as the older man cuddles him pretty goddamn aggressively. Tyler eventually thinks to ask, "Is something wrong, man?"

"It's nothing," Josh lies. "Just hold me, please."

Tyler doesn't quite believe him, but he nods, and holds him.

As Josh is nodding off with Tyler's arms around him, he realizes that, _yeah,_ he really fucking loves Tyler, a lot more than he lets on. Tyler's the only thing keeping him grounded right now, and preventing him from losing his mind. He's glad that, even if he hasn't said anything yet, he's not going through this alone.

***

Josh is in the midst of packing a suitcase when Tyler corners him.

Tyler likes to think of himself as observant, and as soon as he notices that most of what Josh is packing includes sweatpants, t-shirts, jeans, and, like, _one_ suit, he questions Josh. And, really, it's not as if Josh is keeping any of this from Tyler, at least not with any ill intent. He just wants a little time before everyone starts treating him differently, including Tyler.

Tyler leans against the doorway, blocking Josh's way out, crossing his arm, sort of in a Superman pose, giving him a pointed look. "Why are you packing? All of your meetings this week are in Ohio."

"Business trip," is all Josh tells him. Josh mentally pats himself on the back for that one, because to him, it's both a good and an easy lie. Tyler sees right through it, of course--he can just _tell_ that Josh is blatantly lying to him, so he questions him further, asking him why he's packing so much. "I told you--it's a business trip. A few things came up, and I have meetings in a handful of different cities. I also hate flying in formal wear, so... Y'know. It's not that deep."

Tyler squints at him before standing up properly and walking to the bed so he can sit on it, behind Josh's suitcase, in an attempt to get Josh to look at him, since Josh tends to avoid eye contact when he's lying. Josh still doesn't look him in the eye, opting to focus on packing, so Tyler asks him how long he's going to be gone.

"A month give or take. Maybe more, maybe less." Josh is in the midst of folding a shirt, and struggling, which causes Tyler to just sigh and take it from him with gentle hands, since he's better at folding clothes. (Josh usually just hangs all of his clothes up.)

"Why so long?"

"Starting a company isn't easy. Sometimes I have to be a big boy, and sometimes that means, y'know, doing big boy things, like traveling and sucking some CEO dick, trying to climb my way to the top."

"You're already a top," Tyler mutters as Josh hands him another shirt to fold.

Josh snorts and cackles a little bit. "I'm aware. Don't worry about it, alright? Everything will work out."

Josh can tell just from looking at Tyler that the boy still doesn't believe him, but he also senses that Tyler has enough, well, _sense_ not to question him more than he already has.

***

Josh swears his tinnitus has never been worse than it is in this moment. He's trying really hard to focus on what the oncologist is telling him, and he can hear what the dude is saying, but his brain really just wants to focus on all the ringing his ears are doing. Josh is slouched in the chair on the other side of the oncologist's desk, head tilted towards the ceiling, eyes not looking at anything in particular. He lifts his head up when the oncologist says, "So... the only way to know for sure what exactly the growth is would be to do a biopsy. From what you've told me, and from what your doctors back in Ohio have sent me, I'm fairly certain it's cancerous, and if it is, you're going to need to have that removed anyways, especially with as big as it is."

Josh asks a question while the man in front of him is sorting through a few papers. "What if I don't do the biopsy?"

"Well, if it is cancerous, and not just a benign tumor, which is the best case scenario here, keep in mind, you will most likely die, because it _will_ spread--I don't know how fast, but it will, and ultimately, you won't survive it. You did mention that there's a history of cancer in your family, correct?"

"Yes. My father passed about a year ago from lung cancer, and I know there's a handful of people on my mother's side who've had it."

The oncologist nods. "Alright, well... You _need_ to do this."

"I guess that's settled," Josh remarks as he sits up, trying to slip into his businessman facade, since that's pretty much the only way he's _not_ going to start losing it right now, and start panicking.

The oncologist smiles a little sadly, and explains a few more things about how the biopsy is going to go. "To do the biopsy, you would lose that testicle. I know a lot of men are, ah, _finicky--"_

"I don't care," Josh starts. "As long as I don't die, I do not care."

"--well, that's good. As I was saying, you would lose that testicle, but, it shouldn't affect your fertility at all, and if we do this biopsy, it will _greatly_ increase your chances of survival. Even now, I can tell you that you're almost guaranteed to survive this, were we to do the biopsy. We also do have some prosthetics that you can look at, if you want. Aesthetically, it will look and feel like the real deal."

Josh just nods, and lets the consultation go on from there.

***

Josh sits in his hotel room, with his laptop out, so he can listen to Tyler's radio interview. It's his first radio interview, so, of course, Josh wants to listen to it to support him. It's not as great as being there in person, but he's a little scared right now, and he hates being left alone with his thoughts, so he figures supporting his partner from afar is better than nothing, and is a viable way to take his mind off of things.

Listening to the interview, and hearing Tyler's voice, even on the radio, brings him at least a little peace of mind. He likes the way Tyler talks. His voice is so gentle, and a little raspy, in a way, and Josh grins every time he hears Tyler's tone get sly in the way it does whenever he cracks a joke or makes a smart ass comment. Tyler's mind is a beautiful thing, and hearing him talk about his music like this makes Josh feel that much more in love with him.

Once it's over, Josh texts him, and asks him if he's busy. Tyler tells him that he's just sitting in the car he borrowed from his dad, smoking a cigarette, so Josh calls him, because despite the fact that Tyler's voice was rather soothing to him, he still manages to work himself up.

Josh hates panic attacks, almost more than anything. They take so much _energy_ out of him, even if Tyler's a fucking _saint_ who manages to get him to get up and go get a bottle of water from the mini fridge in his hotel room, and even if Tyler gets him to drink from it while he talks him down. He truly thinks that if Tyler weren't a musician, he could totally be the guy who talks people off of bridges and high rises.

Tyler tells him to breathe--in for four, out for eight--and while Josh is doing that, he pictures Tyler twirling a lock of his hair between his two fingers like he does when he's thinking of what to say, or when he's worried about something. _"You're doing great, man. Oxygen is pretty essential to being calm, and you're gonna get yourself some oxygen, alright?"_

Josh accidentally says something about being scared, since he rambles whenever he's panicking like this, and that's when Tyler breaks, and asks him to explain what the fuck's going on.

_"Josh, quit lying to me. Something's going on that you're not telling me about."_

Josh doesn't budge-- _"I don't--I don't wanna have this talk right now,"_ \--and although Tyler's a little _miffed,_ he's still more or less preoccupied with getting Josh to breathe, and making sure he takes care of himself, so, yet again, he just _drops_ it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we out here...  
> i have six chapters ready to go >:'D im impatient lately so ill prob update once a day until theyre all published  
> edit: also ive been up all night because my body decided to have an allergic reaction to something i ate today so ive been In Pain and not feeling gr8 and for the first time in awhile i feel Very excite to be working on this fic again so. WE OUT HERE.


	23. Chapter 23

 

Josh has to endure a week long hospital stay after the biopsy before he's allowed to leave. He remembers during his time in that hospital that he fucking _hates_ hospitals. There's been a handful of times in the past where he's stayed for a day or two, but staying for a _week_ is definitely pushing it.

The food sucks, nurses won't quit hovering, and after his one week stint in the hospital, he holes up in his hotel room, to cope, _alone,_ after finding out that he does, indeed, have testicular cancer, and he keeps the do not disturb sign permanently up on the door, unless he has to order himself food from room service, or unless he makes himself scarce for an hour or two every few mornings while housekeeping tidies the room.

He also gets prescribed Vicodin to deal with the pain, and although he hates the idea of taking an opiate, especially given his past with drug addiction, he'd prefer to take it rather than being in excruciating pain.

***

Josh goes home, and lays around the apartment for another week or two, managing to get Tyler to leave him alone while he goes between watching reruns of early 90's sitcoms and napping, before he has an appointment with an oncology center in Columbus, so he can schedule appointments for radiation therapy.

He's set to go every other day for six weeks before he finds out whether or not he's in remission, since they did find that the biopsy didn't _completely_ get rid of the cancer. (Josh would've loved to stay in Maryland for all this, because, honestly, Maryland is a nice state, but he'd probably have to rent a house for a few months, and he wouldn't have Tyler with him, and at the moment, no Tyler means no Josh.)

***

Josh dozes off during the first radiation session, and gets woken up by a nurse gently nudging him in the shoulder, smiling all polite like nurses do when they're working with _sick_ people, saying, "You're done for the day, sir."

Josh's eyes blink open, and he squints up at her, since it's kind of bright in the room, before grunting and sitting up, scrubbing at his eyes for ten or so seconds, and nodding along as the nurse continues to speak.

"So... you'll probably feel fine for the rest of the morning, but around noon or so, you'll probably start going downhill. Nausea and fatigue are both _very_ common side effects, and I wouldn't be surprised if you got a little feverish too. I'd recommend taking it easy, and trying to eat and sleep if you can."

The nurse leaves the room after Josh signals that he'd heard her, giving him some privacy as he's putting his jacket, an over sized t-shirt he stole from Tyler, and his sweatpants back on. He grabs his keys, his wallet, and his phone from where he left them, and crams only his phone into his jacket pocket before mostly walking and partly limping down the hallway and towards the front desk.

Once he's paid for the appointment in full via his credit card, he... drives home.

Of course, Tyler's home--this just _has_ to be the one day he decides to skip out on his classes. Luckily, though, he's asleep on the couch, and Josh manages to sneak past him, but, _unluckily,_ once he steps into his bedroom, he trips over a pair of his own shoes, effectively sending him to the floor, and causing him to let out a startled shout and a few choice words. _That's_ what wakes Tyler up. (Well, that, and the thud of all one hundred and sixty two pounds of Josh's body dropping to the floor.)

Tyler's too sleepy to question Josh too much once he's in the bedroom, aside from asking him if he's alright as he helps him up. Josh sniffs a little bit and shakes his head, telling him he's fine, before he crawls into bed. Tyler gets in behind him, since Josh allows him to be the big spoon for once. Tyler dozes off again pretty quickly, holding Josh close, and Josh eventually falls asleep as well for a few hours.

Around one, though, Josh is basically flying out of the bed and towards the en suite as fast as he can so he can vomit. (Out of the very short list of things that _will_ wake Josh up immediately, needing to throw up is one of those things.)

This is when Tyler decides to question him yet again. He doesn't question him while Josh is in the actual act of throwing up, but once Josh hits a lull in the dry heaving, he just bluntly asks, "What the fuck's wrong with you? Are you using again? You threw up a lot when you quit."

Josh shakes his head, and holds up one finger as he heaves. Again. His voice is shaky, strained, and just sounds like shit when he says, "No, and I don't want to talk about it right now. Later, alright?"

"You need to tell me eventually, Josh." Tyler sounds confused and hurt. He doesn't like it when Josh keeps things from him, which is more than fair.

"I'll fucking _tell you."_ Josh snaps. "Jesus, Tyler. I have my head in a fucking toilet. Now's not the t--" cue another bout of dry heaving that cuts Josh off.

Tyler just sighs and frowns, using his hand, the one that's not on Josh's back, to press on his chin, which is quivering just a bit. "Do you need any help?"

Josh figures he looks as miserable as he feels, and when he looks at Tyler, the look on his face says that he wants to say no, but he knows that, either way, Tyler's going to coddle him, so he just says, "Yeah," in a softer tone this time.

Tyler kisses his bare shoulder at that, and wraps his arms around the man's torso. "Do you think you could brush your teeth and use some mouthwash for me?"

"In a moment." Josh holds up a finger, and nudges Tyler back as he goes back to dry heaving.

***

Josh spends another ten minutes in the bathroom dry heaving, and Tyler just stays with him, sitting patiently, rubbing his back and trying to comfort him as best as he can before helping him stand up once Josh deems himself fit enough to leave the bathroom. Tyler walks him over to the sink, and ends up having to squeeze toothpaste onto his brush for him before handing it to him.

While Josh is brushing his teeth, Tyler fills a Dixie cup with water, and sets it down on the counter, so Josh can rinse his mouth after brushing, and fills the lid to their bottle of mouthwash half full with, well, _mouthwash,_ setting that next to the Dixie cup.

Tyler helps him balance as he's leading him back towards the bedroom, and once Josh is lying on his back on the bed, arm over his eyes, Tyler asks, "Do you want me to make you some soup or something...?"

Josh nods, mumbling, "Yeah; I'd like that."

"What kind?"

"The chicken noodle one with the good noodles, if it's not too much to ask."

And now Tyler's _frowning,_ because Josh _never_ asks him to cook for him, at least not like that. Usually he just tells him to pick something and give it to him-- _rarely_ does he has for anything specific. Shit--the last time he thinks Josh did ask him for something specific like this was last year while he was balls deep in withdrawals. This is worse than that, though. Tyler can feel it in his bones. "I can make it with the good noodles, man. It's not too much to ask."

Josh nods, and Tyler leaves after kissing him high on his cheekbone. He keeps a frown pasted onto his face as he walks down the hallway and to the kitchen, and it doesn't falter, even as he's pulling out flower and eggs from the fridge, chicken stock he made awhile back, since they live in Ohio, and since it gets cold as balls in the winter, and since soup is always _greatly_ appreciated in the winter months, plus leftover rotisserie chicken that Tyler's been picking at for a few days now.

He finds some celery too, and decides to chop that up after he's spent half an hour or so making homemade egg noodles for Josh. (Josh likes egg noodles, and they aren't that hard to make.) Tyler also grabs a can of chicken broth out of the pantry, and he struggles with the can opener for about a minute before managing to get the can open. While he's waiting for the broth and the homemade stock to come to a light boil, he hears the answering machine go off, which cause shim to head towards their living room, and to Josh's desk so he can listen to the message.

As the message goes on, Tyler grows more and more mortified, and once it's finished, he's speed walking back towards the bedroom, praying that the family that lives below them doesn't file a noise complaint, since he doesn't bother trying to keep his feet light on the floor. (The family that lives below them is a nice family, and Tyler feels bad whenever he and Josh get too loud.) Tyler stands in the doorway, with his hands on his hips, saying, _"Joshua,_ sit up, and _look at me,"_ in a raised voice, tone stern, not leaving any room for argument.

Josh doesn't sit up completely, but rather props himself up on his elbows. He looks exhausted. "Is something wrong...?"

"Um, _yeah,_ I'd say so. Would you mind explaining to me why an _oncologist_ from Johns Hopkins in _Baltimore_ just called, wanting to confirm your _billing information?"_ Tyler knows a bit about oncology, partially from his mother, since she's a doctor, and partially from what little Josh has told him about his father, and _also_ from his own grandfather, who kicked it from esophageal cancer when Tyler was sixteen. Tyler's also not a fucking _idiot,_ and has had a pretty good idea of what's been going on for awhile now. He just wants Josh to say it.

Josh sighs, and the look he gives Tyler is another one of those defeated, _"I don't know what to say for myself,"_ looks. He seems to think for a moment, probably thinking about how to verbally break the news to Tyler, before settling on, "I have testicular cancer. I don't know if it's hereditary, or if it's just some freak thing or something I did, but I had my first radiation session this morning. I, uh, went to Maryland, and an oncologist there did a biopsy on the _thing,_ and they took it out and all, but that didn't, like, get rid of it completely, I guess. I dunno. I got my masters in communications, not oncology. Point is--the next appointment is the day after tomorrow. I'm supposed to go every other day for six weeks."

Tyler's first instinct is to, literally, _scream_ at him and ask him why he didn't say anything, but he doesn't do that. He thinks first. Anger isn't what Josh needs from him right now, especially given the circumstances, since this is out of either of their control. What Josh needs, Tyler figures, is a support system, and Tyler's more than willing to be that for him, rather than a confused and angry romantic partner. He does ask, though, "Why didn't you tell me?" in a tone that's way quieter than he intended. "Am I--was I just--was I not allowed to know?"

Josh shakes his head immediately. "Tyler, don't start. It's not like that. I just--I wanted to wait until I knew for sure, and I wanted at least a few more days of everything being normal before I told you. I'm sorry. I know I should've told you as soon as I found out, but I panicked. Can you--can you just... go finish the soup? I'm hungry, and my doctor told me I should try eating anyways."

Tyler asks one more question. "Does anyone else know?"

Josh shakes his head. "No, and I'd prefer if you didn't tell anyone."

"Loose lips, man. I'll... go finish that soup."

***

Tyler's ears are ringing and it's all he can do just to stare into the boiling soup, heart sinking into his stomach, throat closing up. He does allow himself to cry a little bit as he's finishing the soup, adding a bit of seasoning, but his eyes are dry and he's composed by the time he's setting the pot of chicken noodle soup on a potholder on the counter to cool for a bit. While it's cooling, he grabs a can of Sprite from the fridge, opens it, then pours it into a glass with some fake ice cubes.

He brings the glass of soda back to the bedroom, and he feels a little guilty about it, but he has to wake Josh up. Josh gives him a confused look, blinking blearily. "I brought you some Sprite. It'll help settle your stomach. The, uh, soup's done, but I'm letting it cool for a bit so you don't scald yourself."

"What kind of noodles did you use?" Josh asks as he sits up, yawning. He takes a sip of the sprite while Tyler answers him.

"Homemade egg noodles. We, uh, don't have a pasta machine, so I just cut it into fettuccine. I also used leftover chicken, some of the stock I made in December, and celery. I remember you said you like celery in soup. Um. I did have to use a can of broth, since I didn't want to go through all the stock, so you might get heartburn from it, but I tasted it, and it tastes pretty good, so I figure it's a fair trade."

Josh nods, and smiles a little bit. "I like when you cook things," he admits, quietly. "You're good at it."

Tyler shrugs. "We both need to eat, so I figure it's not too much trouble to make enough for two. Anyways, uh... I'm gonna go get some soup for you, alright?"

Josh nods again, and thanks him, and Tyler kisses him on the forehead before leaving the room again. Once he's back, with two bowls of soup, one for himself and one for Josh, and once they're both comfortable and actually eating, Josh taking his time since he's still a little nauseous, and Tyler eating at his normal pace, which is also rather slow, Josh starts talking. "I think I should talk to Debby and Jenna. I didn't--I didn't think cancer was a thing in my family when I agreed to be their sperm donor, and I figure they should keep an eye on Nathan just in case."

"That's probably a good idea. Do you want me to go with you when you tell them?"

"My pride wants me to say no, but I'm pretty sure I can't drive if I'm feeling this terrible." Josh stares into his soup, eyes looking dead, as he stirs it with his spoon, occasionally scooping up bits of it to eat.

"You don't have to do it today, man. We can wait until you feel better."

Josh shakes his head. "No, not today. I didn't mean today. Maybe this weekend or next week. I have to do this shit every other day."

"That's... a lot."

"It's necessary, I guess." He shrugs, and they sit in silence for a few more minutes before Josh admits, "I'm scared."

"You're allowed to be scared. I mean, I'm pretty scared myself."

"I'm so sorry about this." Josh curls in on himself, palms pressed against his eyes, and takes a deep breath. "I get it if you want to leave me."

Tyler just glares at him, and reaches forward to gently sock him in the arm. "Shut the fuck up. We've been together for over two years, and we've already promised each other, multiple times, that we're not going to _dip_ the second things are tough. I know I'm far from the perfect partner, but I'm not going to _leave_ you over this."

"I could die," he mumbles.

"And? I'm still not _leaving_ you over this. I didn't leave you last year when you quit using, and, shit--I'm the one who cleaned your vomit off the floor when you were going through withdrawals. It's going to take a fuck of a lot more than stupid _cancer_ to get me to leave you."

"Can we talk about something else that isn't horribly depressing?"

Tyler huffs a bit, and sighs. "Of course."

Josh sniffs a bit, and sits up straight again. He picks a noodle out of his soup, and while he's chewing it up, he talks. (Neither of them have the best table manners, at least not around each other.) "Backtracking to the whole... you cooking... I really like when you cook stuff. I dunno. Before we met, I didn't really keep any food around here, since it'd just end up going bad whenever I did, but you actually use the groceries you buy, and you make some fucking awesome meals, and really, you've given me a whole new appreciation for homemade food."

"I like having meals, and I mean... I noticed that you weren't really eating a whole lot in the first place, and neither was I. I just personally feel better knowing that you've had a meal and that you're taking care of yourself."

"This is fucked up. You shouldn't be worrying about me."

"Oh, hush. Our entire relationship is fucked up. I mean, you're eleven and a half years older than me anyways, and even if you _weren't,_ I have every right to be worried about you right now. If I don't worry about you, then who will?" Tyler says the last interrogative playfully, and nudges Josh in the shoulder.

He doesn't chuckle or crack a grin like he usually would, just opting to respond with, "Probably no one. Not very many people care about me."

"Hey, you quit that. That's just _not_ true. I care, I know that Dallon sure as shit cares, given he's your NA sponsor, Debby cares, as do Pete and Patrick, and I'm going to go out on a limb here, but, I think that Brendon would also care a helluva lot if you told him. He was your best friend for seventeen years, dude. Hell--I'm sure even _my_ dad would care, and I _know_ Ashley would, since she's that kind of person."

Josh sighs. He sighs a lot. He sighs, and winds up handing Tyler his mostly finished bowl of soup. "I think I should try napping some more."

"Alright. I'm uh... gonna go put away leftovers, and work on homework if I can."


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its technically sunday

Tyler drives Josh over to the Ryan-Black household the Saturday following Josh's first appointment. Josh, being generally exhausted from both stress and radiation, sleeps in the car on the way.

Tyler takes his hand in his own once they've reached their destination, and squeezes it gently, softly saying his name in an attempt to wake him up. Josh does wake up, of course. His head snaps up towards Tyler, and he blinks a few times, looking just a little confused.

Tyler smiles at him and says, "We're here."

Josh grunts, and has to wait for Tyler to be around on the other side of the car to help him stand up. All of his muscles ache, as if he's been asleep for an eon or two, and he's so goddamn fatigued. If he had to describe how he feels, he'd say that he feels as if he has a _really_ bad cold that _will not_ go away. He also kind of wants to be annoyed at Tyler for coddling him, but, admittedly, he kind of needs to be coddled right now. He is annoyed, though, at the fact that it's been barely a week since he started radiation and he's already too achy to walk without holding onto Tyler's shoulder, and that he already looks sick enough to where Debby's giving him a really worried look when she answers her door.

Tyler smiles awkwardly at her, and she has enough sense not to say anything as she steps aside to invite them in. Tyler sort of helps Josh get settled on their couch before he sits next to him. (By 'sort of helps' he means that he keeps a hand on Josh's arm as the man sits.) Jenna steps into the room, and looks at them curiously, probably wondering why the hell Josh and Tyler are in her house when neither of them speak to her on their own more than once every month or two.

Josh explains himself, vaguely, saying, "We need to have a talk." Debby takes that as a cue to nudge one of the arm chairs in the room to where it's facing the couch more, and Jenna follows suit.

Debby, in all of her motherly glory, thanks to, y'know, being a mother, immediately asks, "Something's wrong, isn't it?" Her expression is growing more and more worried by the second.

Josh doesn't beat around the bush, not that he'd want to in the first place. "I have testicular cancer. I just... I figured you guys should at least know, given that I didn't really know that cancer was a thing in my family. I figure that Nathan has some predisposition to it, and that, perhaps, a little more attention should be paid to him just in case."

Jenna audibly winces, letting out a slight hissing noise. "How long have you known?" She looks more concerned about Josh than she ever has before, which catches everyone in the room by surprise.

"Not more than a few months. Um. It was caught early, so my... outlook is looking pretty good. I'm just, uh, kind of sick right now from radiation, and I... There was a small tumor on one of my testicles, and to do a biopsy on that, I had to have a surgery and ended up losing that testicle, so I'm still recovering from that, plus radiation on top of it, so, uh, y'know." Josh shrugs and looks down at his hands, which are clasped together.

Tyler's rubbing his back, gently, and the next thing Josh knows, he's being hugged by all three of them.

***

When Josh's alarm goes off a few days after his talk with The Lesbians, as he'd like to call them, about his current situation, he wakes Tyler up too. He's feeling awful, and can't really stand up without wanting to hurl, or without feeling like he's about to topple over, which means that he probably shouldn't be driving. Tyler groans and fusses a bit from being woken up, but he doesn't complain or say anything, especially after Josh says, "I need you to drive me to my appointment. Don't think I should be driving right now."

Tyler's quick to wake himself up after that. "I can do that, yeah." He yawns, and rubs one of his eyes. "When is it?"

"Nine. We have a few hours before we need to leave." Josh sniffs and rubs at his nose. "I feel like shit."

Tyler looks up at him. It's dark in their bedroom--the only light is coming from a lamp on one of the side tables, but even in the dim lighting, Tyler can confirm that Josh looks about as bad as he apparently feels. Josh is standing over him, looking exhausted, and like he'd rather be doing anything else besides standing. "Y'know... do you wanna take a bath?" Tyler suggests. "I'm sure the warm water would help you feel better, and it'd give me a chance to dote on you a bit." He smirks at the end of that sentence.

"I just want you to know, that on any other occasion where I wasn't feeling so bad, I would shoot that idea down, because it's too..."

"Too what?" Tyler scoffs a little bit, but keeps his tone playful. "Too soft for your tough guy exterior?"

"Precisely." Josh cracks a bit of a bashful little grin, looking down at his hands, which are toying with the hem of the shirt he'd slept in that night.

Tyler peels the blanket off of himself, and throws his legs over the edge of the bed. He sits there for a few minutes, trying to wake himself up more, only looking up when he feels Josh's hand gently caressing his cheek. Josh rubs his thumb across Tyler's cheekbone, and Tyler leans into it, despite the fact Josh's hands are freezing. He likes it when Josh touches him.

***

Their bath is soothing. Josh has to mentally fight with himself as he lets Tyler wash his back for him, trying to tell himself that now isn't the time to be rejecting his partner's affection. (He likes the affection, but it gets him choked up.) "I don't even know why I'm so achy," Josh mumbles as Tyler's tugging him backward so that they can relax a bit, Josh lying on Tyler, and Tyler sort of holding him. Josh has both of his legs propped up on the wall, and Tyler has one leg on the wall, the other thrown over the edge of the bath tub, since they're too tall to stretch out and still fit in it.

"Probably because you haven't exercised properly since January, and since you haven't been eating nearly as much as you should for over a month now," Tyler tells him as he runs a hand through Josh's hair.

"Stop being all logical, man." Josh grunts a bit as he adjusts his position. "My doctor told me my muscles are probably atrophied from the lack of exercise and proper nutrition, so... you're right. I guess."

Tyler kisses the top of his head. "I love you, Josh. More than anything in the world."

"I love you too." Josh mumbles it, but it still makes Tyler grin.

***

After their bath, and after they get dressed, Tyler makes toast for himself and Josh, and makes Josh eat both pieces of it before they leave, saying, "If you're gonna throw up, it's better to throw up something rather than nothing."

Josh just nods, because he agrees.

***

Tyler drives with one hand on the wheel and the other hand held out to Josh, who links his fingers with Tyler's, only removing his hand from Tyler's grip whenever Tyler has to shift gears in the car. When Tyler pulls into a parking space near the front of the hospital, Josh says, "It's gonna take a while. You can, um, leave. If you want."

"Can I stay...?" Tyler isn't sure if Josh is hinting at him, trying to get him to leave, or hinting at him, trying to get him to stay, so he figures he should just ask rather than making a decision that could potentially make him uncomfortable.

"If you want, you can. You can't, like, be in the room with me, I don't think, but you could probably sit in the waiting room or something."

Tyler leans over and gives him a kiss, right on the mouth. "I'll see if I can sit outside of the door or something if they'll let me. Don't care how long I'm there."

Josh leans over the console to hug Tyler, wrapping his arms around his torso, and Tyler hugs back, kissing the side of his neck before Josh asks, "Is this a bad time to say that I love you...?"

Tyler grins a little sadly, because he's pretty sure this is, like, maybe the fourth time Josh has ever said that to him, and he wishes their situation wasn't like this so he could be more excited about it. "It's never a bad time to tell me that."

***

Tyler trails behind Josh and a doctor as they're being led down a corridor. His stomach is churning and twisting itself into knots from anxiety, and his hands, which are shaking a little bit, are growing cold. He was fine when he initially arrived at the hospital, but while he was watching Josh get his vitals checked, he, somehow, managed to work himself up, partially because the gravity of this situation is finally sinking in.

Once the doctor enters a room with Josh, Tyler sits against the wall outside of the door, cross-legged, meditating, basically (and maybe napping while sitting up) at least up until there's a nurse tapping him on the shoulder and waking him up. Her voice is fake-sympathetic in the way that doctors and nurses usually sound. "Are you Joshua's partner?" She's smiling a little bit too, and Tyler can feel every drop of enthusiasm dripping out of his body. It's demoralizing.

Tyler nods, confirming that, and stands up as he verbally says so.

She smiles a little wider, and rattles off a list of side effects that just so happen to accompany radiation therapy. "--nausea and fatigue are all totally normal, and don't be surprised if he's feverish or achy either. Do call, though, if the fever gets dangerous, and try to make sure he gets some rest, food, and water."

Tyler nods. "He filled me in, yeah." He shrugs and yawns before continuing. "I'll make sure he eats. Don't worry."

The nurse acknowledges that she heard him, and doesn't verbally respond before slipping into the room that Josh is in. She leaves shortly after, and Josh exists a few minutes later, looking even more exhausted than he had before. Josh limps a little bit and has to hold onto Tyler's shoulder for balance as they make their way to the front desk so Josh can pay and leave.

***

Josh manages to avoid throwing up that day, but he's _weepy,_ and he cries out of frustration more than a few times. His muscles ache and he's so _tired_ and he gets frustrated over not even having the energy to carry his blanket from his bedroom to the couch in the living room so he can be warm while he watches TV with Tyler. Tyler carries it for him, of course, and shushes him when he expresses his embarrassment.

Josh wraps himself in his blanket, and lays with his head in Tyler's lap. Tyler runs his fingers through his partner's hair, whispering things along the lines of, "I love you," or, "You're gonna be alright, I promise," every so often. Josh ends up falling asleep, and Tyler turns the volume on the TV down as to not disturb him.

Tyler has to wake him up eventually, though, and he feels absolutely awful about it. Josh blinks up at him groggily, looking just as miserable as he had before falling asleep. "You need to eat something. What are you in the mood for?"

"The sweet release of death," he mumbles quietly as he closes his eyes again.

"Uh, yeah--I think the fuck not. You are _not_ dying on me." Tyler rolls his eyes.

Josh grunts. "I kind of want a hamburger. I'll probably throw it up, but... Yeah."

"Do you want me to walk to the diner and get you one...?"

Josh shakes his head. "No. I don't--I don't want you to leave. I don't want to be alone." Tyler, at this moment, knows that Josh is scared shitless, and, _obviously,_ he really wishes this situation wasn't happening to Josh. He wishes he could just wave some magic wand and suddenly make Josh completely better, because to Tyler, at least, Josh, of all people, doesn't deserve to have something like this happen to him. It fucking sucks.

Tyler ends up letting a few tears loose, but manages to stop himself after Josh tells him to knock it off before he gets himself too worked up. "Ugh. You're right, you're right. Do you want me to call someone...?"

Josh has to think for a moment before he replies. "Y'know what...? Call Dallon. I think he's the only one I have the patience to deal with."

"What if he tells Brendon?" Tyler points out.

"Tyler, he's my NA sponsor. He's not going to tell anyone, least of all Brendon, especially given my history with him. He also promised not to say anything to him anyways were I to ever go to him with a problem, and so far, he hasn't betrayed my trust."

"Fair enough then. Am I allowed to get up long enough to get my phone?"

Josh nods, mumbling, "I suppose," before sitting up a bit to allow Tyler to stand, and he requests that Tyler brings him a few pillows when he comes back.

Tyler stands in the bedroom for a few minutes, giving himself time to process and to breathe a little bit before grabbing his phone from the bedside table, which is where it was, charging, and going through his contacts, pressing the call button when he finds Dallon's number. (Which, admittedly, doesn't take long, since Tyler doesn't have a lot of numbers saved, and since Dallon's name starts with a 'd.') It rings exactly three times before there's an answer. It sounds like he's busy, or so Tyler assumes, given he can hear a bunch of voices in the background when his friend-slash-professor is saying, _"Yeah?"_ in a slightly raised voice.

Tyler exhales a breath he didn't know he'd been holding before replying to him. "Are you busy?"

_"Uh... Not really..? I'm just getting out of an NA meeting. Why?"_

"I kind of have a situation going on, and I need you to do a huge favor for me, but you have to swear on both your mother and a bible that you won't say anything to anyone when you find out what's happening."

 _"Yeah, of course. Don't worry about. What is it that you need?"_ Tyler hears the bell of his car going off, a loud noise, and then the background noise just stops, which sort of makes it easier for him to focus.

"Can you buy a hamburger for me? I'm not talking about the shitty one dollar ones from McDonald's, or the hockey pucks from the diner either. I mean, like, full on cheese, onion, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and ketchup. Except... no cheese and no mustard, though."

_"That's... very specific, Tyler."_

"I know it is, but it's _really_ important to me right now that gets done. I'd do it myself, but I can't right now. I'll even pay you back."

_"Don't worry about paying me back. I'll do it. Are you alright?"_

"I'm fine. Just, uh... Yeah. Feel free to walk in whenever you get here...? I'll leave the door unlocked."


	25. Chapter 25

Tyler grabs Josh's pillows from the bed, and under any other circumstances he would've awwed at him when he pulled his blanket up to his chin and asked Tyler to spoon him once he got situated with his head on his pillows. Tyler definitely isn't about to deny Josh a single thing right now, so he holds onto him and kisses the back of his neck once in awhile.

"Is he coming?" Josh asks, voice sort of muffled from where he has part of his face stuffed into his pillow.

"Yeah. I kind of just told him to walk in, by the way, so keep your pants on. No funny business."

Josh huffs, and Tyler can picture him rolling his eyes. "I _wish_ I could have sex right now. _God,_ I'm going to have such a terrible case of blue balls whenever I can, like, find the fuckin' energy to... well, fuck. Also... maybe just blue ball."

Tyler cackles a little bit. "I'm glad you're able to crack jokes about this."

"I might as well. I'm scared and all, but... y'know."

Tyler nods, and gets a little more comfortable, even going so far as to fall asleep, only waking up when he hears the apartment door _slooowly_ opening. Josh himself is asleep, and doesn't wake up from the door opening. He does wake up from Tyler sitting up so he can raise his voice to tell their friend that they’re in the living room.

Dallon doesn’t waste any time in walking to the living room after he kicks his shoes off by the door, a habit Tyler assumes he picked up elsewhere. He gives Josh a concerned look as soon as he catches sight of him. “Not to be rude, but, uh, you look like shit, man. Are you alright?”

Josh shakes his head ‘no,’ and Tyler scoots away from him, giving him room to sit up. He holds a hand out for the bag that the hamburger is in, and hands it to Josh. Josh waits to start eating until he’s sat in a comfortable position with his blanket over his lap, and until Dallon’s on the floor in front of where Tyler’s sitting, muttering about his achy joints, before saying, “You said you’d explain when I got here.”

“It’d sound better coming from Josh,” Tyler mumbles. “Not really my story to tell.”

Josh rolls his eyes, and holds up a finger as he swallows. “You’re allowed to talk about it, Ty. Also, I just want to eat; not talk.”

Tyler chews on the inside of his cheek, frowning and contemplating what his next step is going to be before he’s standing up, and helping Dallon off the floor (not even bothering to hold back a roll of his eyes when the older man complains about his achy back) before leading him down the hallway and into the last room on the right, which is Tyler’s studio.

It’s not an impressive room by any means. There’s soundproofing on the walls, and thousands worth of production equipment, plus Tyler’s piano and a handful of guitars and basses on the wall. It’s a humble studio, but Dallon still whistles lowly. “Jeez. This is fancy.”

“Uh. Not really. It’s—it’s literally nothing compared to the kind of shit you’d see in, like, Hollywood, I guess,” Tyler responds as he’s closing the door behind himself. He steps over to his computer chair, and takes a seat in it, and tells Dallon to sit wherever he wants. (There aren’t really any other seats in the room, aside from Tyler’s piano bench, so he winds up just sitting on the floor again, with more muttered comments about his knees and old age.)

“So… What’s going on with J-man?”

“Do you want the long version or the short version?”

“Short version for now.” He smiles awkwardly, and waits for Tyler to explain.

“Make me a few promises first, though.”

“Of course. What are they?”

“First of all… You are _not_ to tell Brendon or anyone else about anything. It’s not that Josh is, um, trying to keep this from him, but the man values his privacy and wants to maintain as much of it as possible.”

“Already done. What else?”

“Two, you have got to promise not to coddle him, or to start pestering him, unless he specifically asks you to.”

“Also done. Anything else?”

“Yes. Don’t pity him, at least not to his face. He’s cranky enough as it is, and I, uh, don’t think you’d like for him to snap at you.”

“Yeah, yeah. So, with that all out of the way… What the hell, man?”

“He… may or may not have testicular cancer and might or might not be too sick from radiation therapy to do anything for himself.”

Dallon… blanks. “Uh, well, _shit._ Is it too late to ask for the long version?”

Tyler huffs, and leans back in his chair, scrubbing a hand down his face. He stares at some of the foam padding on the ceiling, and keeps his gaze there as he decides on what he wants to say, even continuing to _keep_ his gaze there as he speaks. “Well… Probably way too much information, but I was going down on him sometime in January because we were celebrating six months of him being clean, and I noticed this, like, bump on one of his balls. We both thought it was an ingrown hair or something, since he gets those sometimes, but it, uh, didn’t go away, I guess.”

“Jesus fuck. Didn’t his dad die from lung cancer?”

“Yeah.” Tyler breaks his staring contest with the ceiling, and adjusts his position in the chair. He’s fidgeting, and keeps trying to pop his fingers, along with tapping either of his feet a little bit. “He, uh, went to a doctor a few days after that, and by the way—this is just what he’s told me, because he didn’t say anything when it was actually happening, but, uh, after _that_ appointment, he was referred to an oncologist in Maryland, and, shit—I didn’t even find out until, like, almost two months had passed. He was packing for this stupid fucking business trip, that’s what he told me, and I knew he was lying because he just—he does this _thing_ _—_ _”_ Tyler’s chin and lower lip are wobbling a little bit, but he’s not letting himself cry yet.

“He doesn’t look you in the eye, and he uses this, like, weird tone, right?”

“Yeah, exactly that. I knew he was lying, because, fuck, man, I’ve been with him for two and a half years now—I know how he acts when he’s lying—but he was also acting _weird,_ so I thought it was best to not question him, because, hey, if it was serious, I figured he’d tell me eventually, and I mean—he _did,_ but I had to find out from our _fucking_ answering machine two weeks ago.”

Dallon scoots across the floor a few feet so he can place one of his large hands on Tyler’s knee, squeezing it just a bit. Tyler hasn’t ever really talked to him outside of asking questions about class, meaning he hasn’t been on the receiving end of any sort of platonic affection from him. He’s not complaining about it, and he decides not to question it.

“The day after that one interview I did, he had to have this surgery so that they, they being the medical staff at that oncology place, could do a biopsy on the—on the _tumor,_ but to do that, he had to lose one of his— _y_ _’know._ I mean, sure, the ultimatum was either that, or slowly die on the off chance it was cancerous, so the choice was obvious.”

“That… fucking sucks.” Dallon makes a face that borders on disgusted and sympathetic, with a dash of concern.

“Of course it does. Lo and _behold,_ it was, indeed, cancerous, and he had to stay there for the rest of the month or whatever to recover enough to where he could just pass it off as a cold or something when I asked why he was limping around. He started radiation about a week and a half ago. He, uh… I mean, shit, at this point I’m just _talking_ because I haven’t—I haven’t had anyone to talk to—”

Tyler sometimes forgets that Dallon is a teacher, and he realizes his personality suits that specific career as he responds. “It’s okay, man. If you need to talk, go for it. I’m listening. I’m… very good at listening.”

Tyler nods and thanks him. “He was throwing up, and it—it wasn’t good. I thought he overdosed, or something, or that he was going through withdrawals again. He wasn’t even going to fucking tell me, but… Our answering machine went off while I was making dinner, and it was the oncologist from _Johns Hopkins_ asking about a post-surgery follow-up appointment, or some bullshit. He’s probably going to be fine, but he’s so fucking _scared._ He didn’t even want me to leave him earlier. That’s why I called you.” Tyler’s voice cracks and wavers a few times throughout the rest of that, and he has to wipe one of his eyes off while his friend is responding.

“I mean… You guys did catch it early, right?”

“Very early. It was just—it was just the one. Didn’t spread or anything. I don’t even know what to do. This is so far out of my element. I can—I can help with the anxiety and shit, but this—this is so _real,_ and so _bad._ _”_

“I can kind of understand how he feels. Emotionally, I guess.”

Tyler has to ask him to explain what he meant.

“The being scared, and the whole having this _thing_ inside of you, I guess. When I found out I was HIV positive, I was… I was really sick for awhile. Shit was kicking my ass. I could’ve died, y’know? It gave me a mortality check, though. I know HIV is different than cancer, but there’s still the basic concept of this _thing_ being inside of you, and I—I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s seriously thinking about his mortality. Like… I dunno. This is sort of off topic, but I myself could literally die were I to get so much as a cold at the wrong time, and I’m to the point that… I may as well just live my life the way I want to, and not fuck around with it. Life is short and it’s important how you spend it.”

Tyler nods thoughtfully, because, yeah, he gets what the man means. “I don’t know what to do, man. I can’t fix this, and I’m—I’m a problem solver, y’know? I fix things, and I’m always everyone’s _rock,_ but I can’t fix this and it _sucks._ _”_

“I know, man. I know. You can’t fix it, but… you can be there for him. The most you can do in this situation is offer your support. I mean… I wouldn’t push him, because you know better than any of us what he’s like when people push him, but still.”

Tyler nods, and feels his chin start quivering again, and, _god damn it._ He squeezes his eyes shut and presses his palms against them, and tries his best to collect himself before speaking again. “I haven’t even had time to be scared yet. I’ve been so _busy_ trying to take care of him since I found out about this shit, and I’ve been so _exhausted,_ but, _fuck,_ god, I’m so scared. I know he’s probably going to be fine, but I don’t—I don’t wanna lose him.”

“Do you want me to go get him so you can talk to him?”

Tyler nods, almost pathetically, and by the time Josh is in there, he has his fists balled up in his hair, and he’s hunched over with his face scrunched up a little bit. “Hey, what’s wrong? He told me you’re crying.” Josh sounds sympathetic for once and to Tyler, that just makes it worse.

He shakes his head and pulls on his hair by clenching his hands up tighter, and Josh sighs quietly as he sits on the floor in front of him. “Tyler, look at me.” Josh reaches up to grab onto Tyler’s wrists, and to take his hands in his own. “I suck very bad with this sort of stuff, but… can I do anything to help? At all?”

“Stop having cancer,” Tyler mutters as he lets a few tears drop.

Josh cackles a little bit, and smiles a little sadly. “I’m working on it. What makes you say that?”

“I have anxiety and I’m scared,” Tyler admits. He takes his left hand from Josh’s grasp so he can wipe his eyes off.

“Wanna tell me why…?” Josh has a pretty good guess, but he figures it might do Tyler some good to talk about it.

“I love you, so much more than you can imagine, and I know it’s stupid, but I’m so afraid of losing you, because whatever we have—it’s _special_ _—_ so fucking special—and I know I’m _barely_ twenty, but I just _know_ that I’m never going to feel like this again, not with anyone else, and I just—I don’t want to lose that or lose you because you are just so _fucking_ important to me. God, that sounds so self centered.”

“Tyler, you do so much for me, so… I think you’re allowed to be a little selfish for once. Keep your chin up, though, because if I can help it, I’m not going anywhere. Like, I _assure_ you, I’m staying put on God’s green earth for as long as I can. Anyways… The cancer didn’t spread anywhere, but since the biopsy didn’t completely get rid of it, I have to do this radiation shit. It sucks and it’s not fun, obviously, but with this, I’m basically guaranteed to be fine. I only have another month of this to go through before I find out whether or not I’m in remission. Anyways— _man,_ I managed to quit using coke, and if _I_ managed that, then I can deal with a month more of radiation therapy.”

“This is just so stupid. I wish I could just fix this for you because you don’t deserve this shit, but there’s nothing I can do, and I feel _useless._ _”_

“This isn’t stupid, and it’s not up to you to fix this. You have every right to be upset, and I’m not—I’m not expecting you to _not_ be upset, and you don’t need to be my rock. All I request is that you give me the occasional hug, and that you let me cry on you once in awhile. And… maybe make me dinner sometimes, since you’re good at cookin’.”

“I know that I have a right to be upset and that I don’t _have_ to be your rock, but I’m just—I’m so _used_ to fixing things—”

“Like I said—it’s not your job to do that, alright? This is out of your control, and it’s out of my control as well.”

Tyler nods, and they stay there, Josh holding his hands, and Tyler mentally walking himself through breathing exercises, for ten or twenty minutes.

***

Dallon goes home after making sure both Josh and Tyler are going to be alright, and the two men, once left alone, stay up for a few more hours before going to bed early, clinging to each other until Tyler has to get up again, since he’s decided to speak to someone at his college about taking a break for the rest of the semester, so that he can focus on more pressing matters.

He’s able to do that, thankfully, mostly since Josh pays for his tuition out of pocket. At first he doesn’t think he was really even going to be _allowed_ to take a break, but he is, and he’s told that he can just return the next semester.

Time passes and both of them adjust to the situation at hand, no matter how brief it may be. Josh starts feeling a little better, since he’s getting used to the side effects. Sure, he still has bad days, both physically and mentally, just as anyone else would, and Tyler just offers his support and takes care of Josh as best as he can and as much as the man will let him. (Josh _has_ been more open and a lot more affectionate, given his mortality check, but he still has his boundaries.)

***

The next person to find out about the situation is Patrick, but he doesn’t find out until Josh is in the middle of his fourth week of treatment. Josh feels good enough to go look at a few office buildings, and while he’s poking around the one that he’s pretty sure is, y’know, _the one,_ his friend-slash-accountant cracks and asks, “Are you _sure_ you’re alright? You basically fell off the face of the earth for the past two and a half months. Everyone’s worried.”

Josh spares him a quick glances before going back to looking at one of the offices they’re in, making sure it’s in peak condition before just saying a simple, “I’m doing alright.”

“Are you _sure?_ You don’t look alright. You’re… _skinny,_ and you’ve never been skinny, even when you were younger. You’ve always been a brick house, and now you’re all pale and shit. You look _sick._ _”_

Josh lets out a breath, puffing his cheeks up as he does so, and gives the man a nonchalant answer. “I got diagnosed with testicular cancer in January.”

Patrick sputters for a moment, trying to process his shock, before whacking Josh in the arm. “Cancer?! Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I did. I told Tyler, because he’s my partner, and I told Deb and Jen since their son is technically my son as well, and I told Dallon, since he’s my best friend and my NA sponsor. And now I’ve told you, but only because you asked. Also, if you tell Pete or Brendon, you’re dead. I want to tell them on my own time.”

“I won’t say anything, but… shit, man.”

“Alright then. _Now,_ I want you to give me your opinion on this building. I, personally, like it, although it does need some, ah… renovations. You’re my accountant, though, and you’re in charge of my finances, so I do value your opinion.”

***

Josh puts in an offer on that building, and when he gets home, he all but passes out from the over exertion, which isn’t surprising, since he’s spent the past three months just resting. Tyler’s on his ass, in a loving and supportive way, of course, as soon as he sees him lying on the couch with his shoes and his coat still on. “Quit pushing yourself, Josh.”

Josh only grunts in response to him.

“Do you need help getting your shoes off or anything?”

“If you want to, then feel free,” Josh mumbles back at him.

If asked, Josh will swear up and down that Tyler is an angel. Tyler reaches down and undoes the ties on Josh’s shoes, and takes them off of his feet, and even gets him to sit up for a moment so that he can take his coat from him before he leaves to put those items in their designated spots.

He comes back with a glass of ice water, without Josh having to even ask, and Josh doesn’t thank him until it’s gone. “Thank you, for the water.” He sounds about as tired as he looks.

“It’s not a problem, J,” is all Tyler tells him. He’s gentle as he sits next to Josh on the couch, and Josh tucks himself into Tyler’s side when Tyler’s sat back far enough.

They don’t talk for awhile, but, eventually, Tyler runs his hand through Josh’s hair, which he’s recently dyed red (and the sides of it black) after having thought, _fuck it,_ since it was something he’d been wanting to do for a long time, and now could, given he’s his own boss.

Tyler can tell Josh is about to say something, since the older man’s arms wrap around him a little tighter, and since Josh takes a few deep breaths before getting to it. Tyler can basically feel his nerves. “I need to talk to The Forehead about all of this before someone else slips up and tells him. This… This arguing bullshit I have going on with him is getting really old, and… It needs to stop. Jesus—I don’t even have the energy to hate him.”

“I understand that. When do you think you’re going to tell him?”

“I was thinking of going over to his little store on the twenty fifth.”

“Your last day of radiation, for now, is on the twenty sixth, right?”

“Yeah.” Josh nudges Tyler onto his back so that he can lay down. He’s pretty tired. “This… feels surreal, somehow. Since _January_ I’ve been getting treated for actual cancer. I mean—I’ve only been doing the radiation shit since March, and it’s April now, but I was recovering from the one surgery, and, Jeez. I have shit to do.”

Tyler cackles a little bit as he responds; “Me, for example.”

Aaand Josh starts giggling himself before rolling his eyes. “Of course. You’re always the first on my to do list. Ugh. This shit sucks, because, like… The last thing on my mind lately has been sex, which is stupid, because sex is my favorite thing, next to you, cocaine, and whiskey. I just can’t get it up between all my achy joints and muscles, or the fatigue, not to mention the vomiting. As soon as I feel better, though, we are totally spending an entire day doing nothing but _fucking._ I miss sex, so much.”

“Maybe not an entire day, but… I’m down to get fucked within the near future, if you’re feeling up for it. Also… you still need to rest and recover from all this. Like, as much as I’d want you to fuck me all day, you don’t need to exhaust yourself.”

Josh groans. “You’re no fun. When’s the last time we even did anything?”

“January.”

“When’s the last time _you_ got laid?”

“The week you came home from your ‘business trip.’ I, uh, went out with Pete and ended up fucking some guy in the bathroom at Vista.”

“Was he any good?”

“I suppose. Had a small dick, but he knew how to use it, so it’s a fair trade, I guess. I didn’t get to _finish,_ though, because I’m apparently hot enough that he busted his load within a few minutes.”

“I don’t blame him. You’re very… enticing, when you want to be.”

Tyler rolls his eyes.

“Anyways… That’s why I’m the perfect guy to fuck, y’know? I’m well endowed and I have _great_ stamina.” Josh props himself up, and leans down to kiss Tyler on the mouth.

Tyler smiles into the kiss, and rubs his thumb in a half circle on Josh’s lower back, before mumbling, “You’re not wrong,” against his lips.


	26. Chapter 26

Josh hates everything about Brendon’s stupid fucking record shop. He changed the name of whatever it was before to _Urielectric Records,_ and Josh hates it, if only because of the pun. It’s annoying and obnoxious and it’s just _Brendon._

He steps into the shop, swallowing his nerves, and his stomach drops into his ass when Brendon turns around, only getting halfway through is usual, _“How can I help you?”_ before realizing exactly _who_ he’s standing face to face with.

The man in front of Josh is shocked, mostly because he hasn’t seen Josh in so long, and also because Josh just looks _different._ His hair is different, and he also probably has about the same BMI that Tyler does, which is something, considering that the last time Brendon saw Josh, Josh was basically a brick house. (This is also an exaggeration.) “Did you catch Tyler’s eating disorder?” is the first thing Brendon says before he can even think to stop himself.

“I haven’t spoken to you in… _three_ months, and that’s the first thing you say to me?” Josh really wishes he had the energy to tell Brendon to fuck off right now, but he just _doesn_ _’t._

“I… am so sorry about that. Um. Brain to mouth filter. Never had one, never will, and it will continue to get me into trouble. _Uh._ What are you—what are you doing here?”

“I’m… not busy anymore, and I figure we could have that talk we’ve been needing to have,” Josh mumbles with a small frown on his face. He has a feeling that this isn’t going to go well.

“You’ve been busy for _three_ months?” He looks unimpressed. Josh isn’t surprised by that.

“I kind of have, yeah.”

Brendon grunts out a response and bites the inside of his cheek as he heads towards the door, and flips the open sign to say closed, and locks it, before leading Josh to a room that really looks like a glorified break room. There’s a few couches in it, and there’s an old television against one of the walls, plus a mini fridge and a water cooler with a stack of styrofoam cups next to it.

Josh takes a seat on the couch closest to the door, and Brendon sits on the other one, and once he’s situation, he speaks. “You look like shit, Josh. What’s going on with you?”

“In January, I found out that I had testicular cancer, and I’ve been getting treated for that since then, pretty much. Lost a nut, had a few months to recover from that, and in March I started radiation treatments, which is why I look like shit. I’ve been too sick to eat or exercise, so, naturally, my muscles have atrophied and I’ve lost what little body fat I had. Tomorrow’s my last day of it, though, before I find out whether or not I’m in remission, so knock wood, I suppose.”

“So… you’ve been dealing with this since _January_ _…_ but you’re just _now_ telling me about it?” Brendon looks offended, and in a way, Josh supposes he has a right to be offended.

“This isn’t really about you, man. I’ve been _sick._ I can’t even stand for more than ten minutes at a time without getting dizzy or winded, and I haven’t been able to do a whole lot, let alone travel to the middle of bumfuck suburban Columbus to talk to you privately.”

“Who else knows? Tyler and I can’t be the only ones who know.”

Josh knows his answer is going to piss Brendon off either way, so he figures it can’t hurt to be _honest_ with him. “Tyler, knows, obviously, given he’s my partner. He found out a few weeks after I got back from Baltimore. I’ve told Deborah and Jenna about it, since I’m the biological father of their son. Uh…” Josh puffs his cheeks up a bit, and looks up at the ceiling before continuing. “Told them that since my dad had cancer, and since I apparently have a… knack for acquiring it, then they should keep an eye on their kid, just in case it’s hereditary. I mean, it’s not like I knew cancer was a thing in my family when I agreed to be their sperm donor, and I figure Nathan has a predisposition to it. I told… Dallon, actually, about a week and a half after I told the lesbians, but only out of… Necessity, I suppose. I mean, I was having a shitty day, and he did a favor for me, because he’s the only one I had the patience to deal with aside from Tyler.”

“What kind of favor?” Brendon sounds snide and looks as annoyed as Josh expected him to look once he catches a glimpse of him.

Josh responds as calmly as possible, which is… very calm. Brendon’s such an angry guy, and Josh wants to avoid a fight. “Like I said… I was having a shitty day, and, honestly, I’ve had a shitty thirty one, almost thirty two years, but I didn’t really want Tyler to leave me alone, so he was gracious enough to buy a hamburger for me. Sounds pretty pathetic in hindsight, but it meant a lot to me since I really couldn’t do much on my own. Anyways… After him, I told Patrick, and I don’t think I’ve told Pete, but I’m pretty sure either Patrick or Tyler told him, because he hovers a lot, and he hovered a bit when I went to his apartment so he could dye my hair.”

“So… Basically… I’m the last person you told. You told my _boyfriend_ before telling me.”

“Like I said, man—this isn’t about you, and it’s not that deep. Dallon’s my NA sponsor anyways, and I—I wasn’t intentionally trying to keep this from you, alright? I’m a private guy, and you know that. I just—I don’t like it when everyone starts prying, and to be fair… We haven’t had a great relationship for a long time now. You weren’t exactly the first person I was itching to tell.”

“The fact of the matter is that we’re supposed to be _best friends._ Best friends tell each other shit.”

“If I can be honest with you, I don’t think we’ve been best friends since I started going to NA last year. Best friends don’t treat each other like shit.”

“Actually, _we_ haven’t been best friends since you met _Tyler._ _”_

“Oh my fucking _god,_ _”_ is what Josh starts his response with. “I don’t know how else to tell you, but— _get over it._ You need to get over your bullshit with me and Tyler. He’s been in my life for two and a half years, and he isn’t leaving, no matter how much you yearn for it. I don’t give a shit if you don’t like him. I really don’t. You don’t have to like him, because, hey, he can be an asshole. _Shit_ _—_ he’s been an asshole to me handfuls of times. My point is that you don’t have to like who I’m in a relationship with, but if you want to work your shit out with me, then you’re going to have to get over your jealousy.”

Brendon scoffs, and all he has to defend himself with is, “I am _not_ jealous.”

“Then why can’t you fucking drop it?” Josh raises his voice. “Since day fucking _one,_ you’ve hated him. I mean, at first, I thought it was because he was young, and, like, _man,_ I get that, but this _shit_ has gone on for _too long._ You don’t get to treat Tyler, or me, like shit then expect me to act like nothing’s wrong between us.

“You’re _never_ going to have me. I’m not yours; not now, not _ever,_ and, _fuck_ _—_ for the first time in my _life_ _—_ I’m—I’m in love with someone, and you’re just… expecting me to, what, drop him? You’re expecting me to drop the most important person in my life just because you don’t like him? Fuck that. It’s like I don’t even know you. And this isn’t—this isn’t another situation like the one I had with my last boyfriend. If it was like that, I’d get it, but I just… It’s fucking beyond me.

“I’m… in a healthy relationship, man, and I just—I don’t get why you can’t be happy for me. It’s like you don’t care. Shit—you barely act like you care that I’m getting treated for cancer. Like… Somehow, you’ve managed to make this about yourself like you do with every single other fucking thing in your life. You haven’t bothered to ask me if I’m alright, not genuinely, and you haven’t bothered trying to speak to me on your own, and I just… Even when I was trying to, y’know, not do copious amounts of drugs, you reacted with _anger_ instead of just _supporting_ me like a good best friend would do. Hell, I’ve been seeing a therapist to get help with my mental issues, and right now, even given my circumstances—I’m _happy!_ I haven’t been happy _once_ in my entire fucking _life_ and you just don’t _care._ _”_ Josh’s tone sounds as if he’s had a realization.

“You treat me like this—you treat me so terribly, to the point that I’ve had anxiety attacks trying to speak to you or even from seeing you, and you just expect me to forgive you and to go back to the way things were? Just like that—no questions asked—you expect _me_ to forgive _you?_ I’m trying so hard to get my shit together. I’m sorry that you can’t grow the fuck up and I’m sorry that my life doesn’t revolve around you anymore. You’ve _got_ to get over whatever fucking creepy obsession it is that you have with me.”

“You’re not exactly innocent either, you know.” Brendon’s calm and blunt and Josh is beyond livid at this point.

Josh yells, louder than he’s yelled at anyone before, and he even goes so far as to stand up, ignoring the fact that he stumbles a bit. _“Have you not been listening to a single fucking word I’ve been saying?!”_ He lets the volume of his voice drop after this, and has to sit back down because he feels like he’s going to fall over. His voice sounds so broken and defeated as he’s saying, “Fuck, man. I’m not saying I’ve been perfect, because I haven’t, I really haven’t, and I know I’ve treated you like shit for the longest time, but… you gotta grow up, Brendon. You’re thirty two. We aren’t nineteen anymore and I don’t have the energy to keep fighting with you like a couple of teenagers.

“I have a life. I’m starting my own business, I’m in a relationship with someone that I could easily have a future with, and he’s amazing—fuck, he’s so _amazing_ and so much more than I’ll _ever_ deserve, and I’m trying to make an effort to make amends with all my friends, and I’m even taking Deb up on her offer to let me have a relationship with Nathan, at least as much as her and Jenna will let me. Christ—did you even know I forgot how old he was? That’s how fucking bad things were, and if you—if you think I’m missing you even half as much as you’re missin’ me, you’re dead fucking wrong. I can live without you, and, shit, I have been since you met _Ryan._ You do _not_ get to come crawling back to me and you can’t expect me to just go back to how I was.

“I was so miserable and I didn’t even give a shit about whether or not I lived or died. If I wasn’t constantly _on_ something, I wouldn’t have been surprised if I tried killing myself. I refused— _refused_ to let myself feel anything other than hatred or anger or resentment, and another reason I get so pissed off at you for hating Tyler is because he _taught me_ what it means to _love_ someone, and what it means to be _happy._ I don’t know how he did it, but _somehow_ he wormed his way into my feeble little heart, saw past the front I put up, and took the time to actually try and get to know me, and, god, I love him so fucking much. I don’t—I don’t get why you can’t just—” Josh starts tearing up, and he’s surprised he’s managed to last this long without crying. “—can’t just be _happy_ for me.

“Christ—I was happy for you when you met Dallon, even though I didn’t show it, because he’s a _lot_ fucking more than you deserve, let me tell you. I was happy for you and I even gave you five thousand fucking dollars when you bought out this shitty little record store, and I’ve charged you barely a _percent_ of what I’d usually charge for a fucking _kick ass_ advertising deal, and I am _always_ your shoulder to cry on whenever something happens to you.

“Let’s face it—I’m done! Whatever friendship we had ran its fucking course. I can’t _deal_ with how you treat me anymore, and I’m tired of giving you chances to tuck your tail and to try and fix shit, and to mean it, and I’m just tired of trying. I don’t deserve to be walked all over. I really don’t.”

Brendon stares at Josh, in shock, for the second time that day. Josh has just spilled his guts to him, presented on a silver platter, and Josh is even _crying._ The last time Brendon saw him crying like that was the night after Josh dumped the boyfriend before Tyler.

Josh doesn’t give him the chance to reply before he’s turning around and walking out.

***

Tyler sits on the couch with his legs tucked under him while Josh paces around their living room and vents about his argument with Brendon. Tyler feels secondhand angry with Brendon, just from hearing Josh talk about him, and he’s pretty sure that, at the moment, Josh is the angriest he’s ever seen him, which is something, since Josh is (or used to be) a very angry person.

Josh pauses in his pacing to cock his hips and to start in on another tangent. “He was basically acting like you came into my life _just_ to turn me against him!”

“Well… What I _hope_ happened instead was that I helped you realize your worth, rather than intentionally turning you against him.” Tyler frowns. “I don’t—I don’t like Brendon, but I hate seeing you fight with him, because I know you care about him. I wish he fucking understood that.”

“He doesn’t. He never will. He’s too fucking _dense._ _”_ Josh gently raps his knuckles against his own head to punctuate what he’d said before he sighs. “He’s such a piece of shit. Jesus—I turned against him, or whatever the fuck he wants to call it, because he just _sucks._ Being friends with him has been so draining for the longest fucking time, y’know? It’s like—he opens his mouth, and my head just goes _blank_ because I just don’t _care._ I went in there with the intention to make _amends,_ because I… I know I literally just said I don’t care, but I do. I’ve been friends with him for almost twenty years. I _don_ _’t_ want our friendship to end, but if he’s going to keep acting like this… I can’t see it working out.”

Tyler holds his hands out, and motions for Josh to sit on the couch with him. “Come sit. You’ve been on your feet all day, man, and you look kind of like you’re about to fall over.”

Josh deflates, but walks over to the couch, and plops down next to Tyler, arms crossed over his chest, and eyebrows drawn together. “He was more mad about the fact that I told Dallon, my _NA sponsor,_ that I had _cancer_ before telling him, than the fact that I have cancer. He also found a way to make it about whatever bullshit drama he has with you in his head. That pissed me off. He’s so… selfish. And I hate saying that because I’m not one to talk, but…”

“Maybe you should quit talking to him, for real this time. Let him find someone else to run ads for him. Let someone else be his shoulder to cry on. He has friends besides you. He has Pete and Patrick and his own partner, and I know he’s friends with other people besides you.”

“He acts like I’m so important to him, and like he’d die without me, pretty much. I feel stupid for letting my unhealthy friendship with him go on for so long. I’m so tired of it.” Josh leans into Tyler, who hugs him firmly.

“He’s thirty two. He can live without you. If he can’t, then, well… I dunno. Maybe Dallon can be a third party in our relationship or something, kind of like an inheritance.”

“… Brendon dies and we inherit a whole new boyfriend?”

Josh looks up at Tyler, and both of them last about five seconds before laughing. “Absolutely.”

***

A few hours after Josh goes to bed that night, so he can be awake on time for his last radiation session, Tyler’s on the couch, scribbling lyrics and miscellaneous stanzas into a notebook when his phone buzzes twice, and the tiny screen on the front displays a notification that reads, _“New message: Dallon.”_

Tyler’s eyebrows shoot up at that, because Dallon _rarely_ contacts him unless he’s trying to get a hold of Josh, or wants to know how Josh is doing since Josh is a little forgetful and doesn’t always remember to let Dallon know that he’s, like, not dead. Tyler flips his phone open, and navigates to his text conversation with Dallon.

***

 **Dallon:** Hey are you busy

 **Tyler:** not rly

 **Tyler:** watching tv and writing a bit, y?

 **Dallon:** I got into it with Brendon and need someone to talk to who specifically isn’t Josh so obviously hitting his boyfriend up is the best solution lol

 **Tyler:** thats fair

 **Tyler:** wanna pick me up?

 **Dallon:** Sounds good

 **Dallon:** I’m within the vicinity so it’ll be like five minutes lol

***

Tyler hauls himself off of the floor, and uses his phone for light as he sneaks into the bedroom to snag one of Josh’s sweatshirts out of Josh’s side of the closet, and a pair of his own shoes before gently closing the door behind him. He puts the sweatshirt on, as expected, and slips his shoes on.

He locks the door to their apartment behind him with his key, and sways back and forth on his legs on the elevator ride down to the bottom floor. He’s quick to walk across the lobby and out of the front door, and is absolutely not surprised when he sees Dallon’s ‘96 Chevy Impala parked in one of the parking spaces closest to the building. (There’s a parking garage across the street, and Tyler’s pretty sure Josh is the only person who actually uses it.)

Dallon’s hand is sticking out of the driver’s side window, holding a cigarette, and as soon as Tyler’s getting into the passenger side, he’s saying, “Let me bum a smoke. I haven’t had one in _months._ _”_

Dallon holds his cigarette in his mouth as he’s opening his pack, and taking one out, handing it to Tyler, followed by his lighter. Tyler lights it while Dallon’s pulling out of the parking spot, and rolls the window down before speaking, to ask, “Why did you want to talk to me and not Josh? Also, where are we going?”

“I don’t think talking to Josh about what I want to talk about is appropriate, and I was thinking about getting fast food and hanging out while I bitch about my own boyfriend. Any requests?”

“A smoothie from McDonald’s, perhaps. If you’re okay with that.”

***

Tyler orders a small strawberry banana smoothie, and Dallon gets a milkshake and an order of large fries. Tyler isn’t too keen on eating this late, and figures a smoothie is a reasonable compromise. He doesn’t get too much time to worry about his eating habits and how they may or may not appear to his friend before Dallon’s parking his car at the far end of the parking lot. “How good are you at remaining unbiased?”

“Fairly. Why?”

“Just… God, I don’t even know where to fucking begin with this shit, man.” Dallon blows a lock of his hair out of his face and crams a fry into his mouth. “Did Josh explain his argument with Brendon to you?”

“Vividly. He was pretty upset about it. Um. I don’t—I don’t know what The Forehead told you, but Josh cares about him more than he thinks. Not in a weird way, of course, but… they’ve been friends for years, and Josh wants shit to work out, he really does.”

“I know Josh cares about him, and I know Josh doesn’t want to lose their friendship, but Brendon’s just… so _stupid_ sometimes. I was sitting at our dining table grading essays when he came home, right? He was so _mad._ Slams the door, scares the shit out of me, and I’m like, oh _shit,_ because I hate seeing him upset like that, and he has—he has anger issues and we’ve been working on it, man. I know he snaps and gets pissed a lot, but he has, like, _actual_ problems, most of which relate to his drug use, part of which also relate to other issues he has going on. He’s really not as much of an asshole as everyone thinks he is, but sometimes he’s just… _stupid._ _”_

Tyler nods. “I understand. I’m, uh, not the leader of his fan club or anything, but I get the vibe that there’s more to him than him just being an asshole. Also… Josh is the same way, I guess…? Like—there’s more to him than him being an asshole. You’re close to him, so you know how he is. He’s sweet and sensitive but he has like… stuff going on.”

“Same deal with Brendon. I shouldn’t be telling you _this,_ but he’s been having a rough time for awhile, partially from not speaking with Josh, which we _will_ get into, and also from recovering from an abusive relationship. When I started seeing him, we weren’t planning on getting into a committed relationship, but it happened. You knew Ryan, right?”

“He was an asshole, straight up. He was always nice to me, I guess, but… he gave me bad vibes, bro. Josh also explained to me what Brendon shared with him about their relationship, so… I dunno. Point is—I’m not fond of him.”

“Yeah. Um. A lot of shit went on with him that you guys don’t know about. So. He’s been… dealing with that, and I’ve been trying to help as much as I can. He has his own shit going on, and I just—I want you to be aware of that, okay?”

Tyler nods. “Yeah, of course, man.”

“Also… none of this makes its way to Josh, alright? I trust you, but I just—I want to be sure.”

“Silencio, dude. Anything that happens in this car tonight stays here. Goes for me too. If I… say anything sensitive, so to speak, you keep your mouth shut too.”

“Got it, man. Um. Alright, so… Back to the altercation I had with my lovely boyfriend earlier. He came home and he was yelling and going on and _on_ about Josh, and you, and then he interrupts himself to shout at _me._ He was mad because I knew Josh had cancer, and I didn’t—I didn’t tell him. I know a lot of people would think that it’s shitty, but I just… I’m his NA sponsor. He comes to me when he feels like he’s about to relapse, or if he’s having a hard time and wants to talk to someone instead of resorting to snorting coke or whatever the fuck it was he did. Stuff we talk about doesn’t get repeated, aside from whatever he tells you, y’know? He specifically asked me not to tell anyone else, especially not Brendon, about that stuff, so I didn’t. I explained that to Brendon, because it’s not like he’s ever bothered to go to NA, so… He wouldn’t know. Also—provided how bad their friendship has been as of late, I didn’t feel that it was appropriate for me to tell him anyways!” Dallon throws a hand up in the air, and sighs.

“Good to know you can keep secrets, I guess,” Tyler mumbles.

“He kept going, of course. He moved on from how Josh told me before him, but _kept_ talking about _you._ Sometimes it’s just… Sometimes it’s best to just let him yell and get it over with, and I mean… I understand—he was close to Josh and I understand how Josh not telling him could feel like a betrayal. He had a right to be upset. I _get_ that. But like I said, he kept going on about you, and about how awful you are, and about how you’ve changed Josh or _whatever,_ and I just—I interrupted him, and asked him why the _fuck_ he’s so obsessed with your relationship with Josh. Like, yeah, sure, I get that it’s fucking weird that a twenty year old and a thirty one year old are in a relationship, but I’ve seen how the two of you are together, and I know that you both love each other more than anything, and I told him that, and I told him that at the end of the day, you’re both adults, and if you’re who Josh chooses to go home to, then that’s, quite frankly, _none of his fucking business._ It’s not his place to say anything.”

Tyler shakes his head, because it really isn’t Brendon’s place to say anything. “I try not to bring up Josh whenever I’m alone with him, honestly. It always leads to him getting weird and passive aggressive with me, and I… I have a suspicion of _why,_ but I’ve never brought it up because it seems a little much.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure I know _exactly_ what you’re talking about. Let me continue. I ask him why he keeps dwelling on it, and he… _snapped._ I’m serious—not one word of this makes its way back to Josh, but… Brendon starts crying and he tells me that he’s been in love with Josh for the past twenty years, give or take.”

“That’s… about what my suspicions were.”

“Yeah. Uh. He’s devoted his entire fucking life, basically, to trying to win Josh over, and he basically just… Feels heartbroken over it.”

“I understand why,” Tyler starts as he steals a fry from Dallon. “I… I was seventeen when I met Josh, and we started… I wouldn’t say ‘dating,’ since we’re not, ah, monogamous, at least not sexually, but… We got into a relationship _very_ shortly after I turned eighteen, and I can understand why that would crush him. I mean, I come along, and within four months I’m in a relationship with Josh and we’re obviously very much in love, even if we were both, like, too dumb to admit it at the time. I can get why, after twenty some odd years of him trying to woo Josh, that would hurt. I’m more than understanding about all of this, even if it pisses me the fuck off.”

“Yeah. I just… He even said that he doesn’t know what Josh sees in you, and I had to just tell him… When two people love each other the way you and Josh love each other… Like. That kind of love can’t be helped. It just happens. I mean—I feel that way about him! I love him more than anything, and he basically admitted he was in love with his best friend, and I… I just… I didn’t even get mad, because, like, _yeah._ I get it. We both had lives before we met each other, and I get that he has people he’s still in love with, and I mean… I have shit that bugs me too. I had to ask him, though, if he was leading me on. Like, I may love him, but if he isn’t reciprocating it, then I can’t—I can’t put myself through that.”

“What did he say…?”

“He’s aware that nothing with Josh is ever going to work out, and that he’s still heartbroken, _but_ he also loves me more than anything, so… I dunno. That’s it, I guess.”

“Brendon being in love with Josh in no way surprises me, if I can be honest with you,” Tyler comments. “I dunno. Even when I first met Josh, he was… weird. I just, like… This hurts me too, y’know? Am I allowed to have hurt feelings over how he acts?”

“More than anyone, yeah, I think you are.”

“I love Josh, so fucking much. However much you think I love Josh… Multiply that by ten million. I’m so in love with him, and it really hurts that Brendon _hates_ that. Like… Shit. A lot of people spend their entire lives wanting to feel how I feel about him, yet I found that at seven-fucking-teen. Imagine, little dumbass seventeen year old Tyler just _happening_ to meet the love of his fucking life on a street in bumfuck Columbus. You couldn’t make that shit up.”

“Another thing Brendon fails to realize—his friendship with Josh was unhealthy.”

“I agree with you, dude.”

“I’ve heard it from either of them, but he just egged Josh’s drug use on, and Josh hasn’t exactly been the nicest person to Brendon when it comes down to it. If Brendon and Josh got together, it wouldn’t have been, like, an ideal situation, I don’t think. They’re both very angry people, and they both have drug issues and even staying friends was kind of hindering their growth, in a way.”

“I know. Um. Josh… He’s grown a lot since I first met him. I just want what’s best for him, y’know? When I first met him, he was in a bad place, and he was suffering, if I can be honest with you. He’s still not in the best place, but he’s getting there, and I’m positive that he _will_ get there. Brendon’s—Brendon’s in love with this version of Josh that he’s made up in his head, I think. He’s in love with the best friend he had as a teenager and in his early twenties. He’s not in love with the Josh that I’m in love with. It’s like… Once Josh started changing, and for the better, might I add, he just got so _upset_ about it.”

“Even in the time I’ve known him, he’s changed a lot. I mean, I met him around the time he stopped using, and since then he’s grown up a lot. Anyways, uh… Sorry for keeping you out so late to talk about how my boyfriend is in love with your boyfriend.” Dallon snorts and shakes his head, and Tyler grins a little bit.

“It’s okay, Dallon.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO FUCKING SORRY I LEFT OUT AN ENTIRE CHAPTER OF SHIT FROM THIS FIC LOL

****There’s a few weeks in between Josh’s last day of radiation therapy, and him finding out whether or not he’s in remission. Tyler has a few things to do that he can’t skip out on, so Josh goes to his appointment alone. It’s not a very long appointment, really. He goes in, his doctor gives him the verdict, and then he just… leaves. His ears ring the entire drive home, and he walks into the apartment to Tyler putting the finishing touches on what looks like a cake. It’s nothing fancy, since Tyler isn’t the best at making cakes, but Josh can smell coffee, and shakily mumbles out, “Tiramisu?” as he looks at it.

“Uh, yeah. I kind of improvised with it. We only had Oreos, so… I used Oreos in it. It’s just… No matter what happened at your appointment, I figured you could do with at _least_ one good—”

Josh cuts him off. “I’m in remission, Tyler.”

The rest of that day is fairly calm, if anything. They both laugh and cry a lot, and spend a good portion of the day cuddling on the couch, or cuddling in bed, and they even take a bath together. Tyler half wants to drag Josh around Columbus to tell everyone they know the good news, but Josh just wants a day alone with him, to spend time together and to relax.

***

The first person who finds out the good news is Pete. He’s subtle with his reaction, only smiling a little bit and offering either Josh and Tyler a coffee, on the house, promising that for once, it won’t be watery. Josh is appreciative of his subtle reaction, knowing that he’d feel overwhelmed if Pete reacted any other way.

The second and third people to find out are Debby and Jenna. Debby hugs Josh for a solid five minutes after he tells her, and Jenna even hugs him for once, despite the fact that she’s outwardly never really cared too much for him. (Jenna’s been warming up to Josh a little bit, since he’s been working on getting his shit together, and although Josh is a bit wary of her since she can be kind of scary, he’s glad that she doesn’t outwardly hate him anymore.)

Josh tells Dallon on his own time a few weeks after he finds out. Dallon hugs him tight and he’s so excited that he even kisses Josh on the forehead, then makes him swear himself to secrecy, because if Brendon were to ever find out about the forehead kiss, he would’ve had a stroke. (Dallon’s words, not Josh’s or the narrator’s.)

***

Josh has no plans to tell Brendon about any of it, figuring someone else would tell him the news eventually, but then Brendon sends him a _text,_ and asks if they can have a talk, and if Josh could bring Tyler with him, since the talk he wants to has is one that either of them should be present for. Josh tells him that he’ll see, and leaves it at that.

Tyler’s sitting in front of his computer when Josh approaches him. He’s working on a song, trying to hammer out a few kinks, to Josh’s knowledge, and Josh tries not to interrupt him too bad as he steps into the room. Tyler doesn’t look up at him, since he’s so focused, but he does say, “Hi,” nice and quiet before dragging something around on the computer screen. Josh never really went through with his musician phase, so he has no fucking idea what Tyler’s doing.

“Are you busy?” Josh asks as he takes a seat on the ground next to Tyler’s computer chair.

Tyler does look at him now, down into his eyes. “Not really. It’s nothing that I can’t do later. Why?”

“Uh…” Josh fiddles with the hem of the sweater he’s wearing. There’s a few loose strings on it, and he picks at them, and doesn’t look up. “I know I said I was going to try to not talk to Brendon, but he sent me a text this morning and asked if he could talk to both of us. I don’t—I don’t know what he wants to talk about, and I know I really need to stop giving him chances, but I kind of feel like… Like he might want to _actually_ try working shit out, y’know?”

“As long as he doesn’t yell at me, or you, I’m willing to hear him out. I’ve been talking to Dallon about the whole situation a little bit, so… I dunno.”

“Yeah, uh… Dallon said something about how he talked to you about it. I don’t, um, know what Brendon wants to talk about, I really don’t, but I kind of want to hear what he has to say, y’know? I know it’s stupid, but this shit eats at me.”

“It’s not stupid.” Tyler rolls his chair back, and turns it towards Josh, before patting his lap.

Josh gives him a skeptical look. “Are you sure you want me sitting in your lap? My ass is going to break your tiny little twig legs.”

“Just sit in my lap, asshole.” Tyler rolls his eyes. “Let me love on you a bit. We haven’t done anything especially affectionate in, like, a week.” He pats his lap again, and holds his hands out to help haul Josh off of the floor. Josh sits in Tyler’s lap, and Tyler wraps his arms around Josh’s waist, resting his chin on the man’s shoulder. “Back to the Brendon topic. I know that the shit with him eats at you—and although I have my own opinions about what I think should be done—more than anything, I think you need to go with your gut. What is your gut telling you to do?”

“My gut wants me to talk to him. It’s cool if you don’t want to go, but… If only to avoid conflict, I’d, uh, kind of appreciate it.” Josh rubs his thumb in a half circle across Tyler’s hand. “I love you, by the way. I haven’t said it in a while.”

“I love you too, Josh.”

***

Tyler trails behind Josh as they’re stepping into Brendon’s little record store. Brendon’s talking to a customer when they step inside, but once he’s able to shoo the customer off, he flips the open sign to say closed, and awkwardly shifts back and forth on his feet. Tyler can see Josh clenching and unclenching his fists, and he subtly reaches forward to hold one of his hands as Brendon finally says something. Tyler’s half expecting a snide comment, but all he says is, “How are you?” It’s directed at Josh, of course, so Tyler keeps his mouth shut as Josh replies to him.

“Um. I’m doing alright. Got a clean bill of health recently, so… Can’t complain, I guess.” Josh shrugs and squeezes Tyler’s hand harder than necessary. “I’m in remission. I mean… There’s a good chance it could come back within the next year or so, but for now… I’m alright.”

Brendon smiles softly and there’s a hesitation before asks, “Can I hug you?”

Tyler’s not too comfortable with the idea, but when Josh looks to him for permission, to silently ask him if he’s alright with it, he finds himself nodding. Josh pulls his hand out of Tyler’s grasp, gently of course, and holds his arms open.

The hug is weird. Brendon seems comfortable, but Tyler can tell that Josh isn’t. Josh still hugs him back, though, and when Brendon pulls away, he apologizes. “I’m so sorry. I owe both of you an apology.”

Tyler doesn’t say anything, but he does raise his eyebrows a little bit. Josh mumbles a quiet, “Yeah, you kind of do, dude,” and the next thing Tyler knows, either of them are being led to another room. Tyler’s been in here a few times, and it still smells vaguely of weed, which doesn’t surprise him.

Tyler intentionally sits a little too close to Josh once Josh sits down on one of the couches in the room, and he absolutely does not miss the weird look that comes across Brendon’s face. He’s not looking for a fight, though, so he doesn’t comment on it.

“May I speak, and, ah… Can either of you _not_ interrupt me?” Brendon’s sitting with his legs drawn to his chest on the other couch, and he’s picking at the bed of a thumbnail.

Tyler makes an ‘okay’ sign with his hand, and Josh does a quick gesture, meaning for Brendon to speak.

“So… First of all… I’m not trying to excuse my shitty behavior, because I have no excuse for how I’ve been acting, but my _loving_ boyfriend kindly explained to me that maybe if I explained what’s been going on in my neck of the woods, then perhaps it could give either of you some understanding of my perspective on the whole… situation.

“I'm not telling you guys everything, but aside from the elephant in the room that I do plan to touch upon, I've been going through shit of my own, and dealing with my own mental health issues. I don't want to get into it, but it has a lot to do with my relationship with... _Ryan,_ and how awful he was to me. That _really_ has to do with why I've been in such a shit place for the past year or so.

"Aside from that... I obviously have... _feelings_ for you, Josh, that I need to work through, and to get over. I've had a huge crush on you since we met when we were twelve. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm in love with you or anything, because I'm really _not,_ and in my head I know that nothing's ever going to come of my stupid crush, but that's part of why I've been such a piece of shit about everything lately. Also, Tyler--I am so fucking sorry that I've been so mean and just flat out cruel towards you. I've been thinking about this shit hardcore for the past month and I mean it--I'm sorry.

"I just--I just want both of you to imagine liking someone, a _lot,_ for eighteen years, but then having to watch in almost horror as some smart ass seventeen year old comes along and basically _woos_ that someone over the course of a few months. I know that you didn't _steal_ Josh from me, Tyler, but that's what it felt like. I'm starting to get over my feelings of jealousy, and I'm not quite there, but I'm on my way. Point is--I turn into a fucking asshole when I'm jealous like that.

"I've just been... _mad,_ too, Tyler. It's obviously unjustified and wildly misdirected, but I just--I just didn't know how to deal with watching someone that I loved so much, and probably unhealthily so, fall in love with someone else that I thought he barely knew. I don't, like, _really_ know how you guys work, because I haven't bothered to learn or to spend any time around either of you, but I'll admit that I've made a fuck ton of shitty assumptions.

"I've had all of this weighing on me for a few years now, and it literally took Dallon giving me a good talking to for ten minutes for me to realize that, yeah, I've been a fucking jerk. I just--I want to backtrack a tiny bit, though. I also--I also spent a good chunk of time wondering what the _fuck_ it was that Tyler was doing different from me that was making you, Josh, like him more. I just didn't get it, and it kind of broke my fucking heart, y'know?"

Josh lets out a sigh, and shifts a bit in his spot before speaking. "I know you said not to interrupt you, but I just... I've never thought of you like that. I'm not stupid--I've known that you've had a crush on me for a long time, and I'll be the first to admit that I took advantage of it, especially while I was using. I was a manipulative person when I was using and I lead you on a lot just to keep you wrapped around my finger, because I was afraid you'd fuck off and leave me otherwise."

"I know you did that, and I'm going to say that it was fucking shitty of you, but I also could've dealt with some of this shit a lot better than I have been."

"You're right. It was very shitty of me," Josh admits. Tyler reaches over to take a hold of his hand, and he holds it as Josh continues speaking. "I have trouble opening up to people, I always have and I probably always will, and when I met Tyler... Part of why I liked him at first was because he didn't _know_ me. He's only known for a few years, whereas our entire friend group, excluding Dallon, has known me since I was a teenager. It's like... I got a chance to start fresh with someone. I mean, of course, I still treated Tyler like shit, and I used to get really annoyed with him a lot, but... He gives me stuff that no one's ever given me before, even you. And I don't--I don't mean that to be offensive.

"I needed someone who--who loved me, unconditionally, at the time, and I still do, especially given my current situation, and that's exactly what Tyler gives me. With you... I've always felt like I had to do certain things just to please you, and even then, it was never really enough, because I'm never going to be able to live up to the person you've built me up as in your head. With Tyler, though--he's been by my side constantly for almost three years now, aside from a few breakups here and three. Not once has he put me down, or doubted me, or turned me away, and that's just--that's a fucking _first_ for me.

"Everyone I've known--you, Pete, Patrick, Jenna, Deb, and even fucking _Gerard_ before he ODed back in '96--you all... Bullied me, essentially, and didn't bothering trying to understand or trying to see if, hey, I was alright. No one ever bothered to ask me how I was doing, or to see if, hey, _maybe_ there's more to the situation than what meets the eye, and no one's ever _really_ supported me whenever I've tried to get clean in the past. All of you enabled me, and I mean--I'm at fault for my drug issues, but being around people who enabled me sure as fuck didn't help. It's a lot of why I cut everyone off when I started going to NA again.

"And Brendon, I know you weren't... Or aren't, really, too happy about me being friends with Dallon, but... He's my NA sponsor. He's been a good friend to me, and he's not at all judgmental. It's probably a lot of why you're in a relationship with him. I mean--shit--as soon as he learned I was trying to get clean, he told me his own experience with that shit, and let me know that I wasn't alone in all of this, because at the time, I only really had Tyler to talk to at the time, aside from my therapist, I guess. Essentially, it meant a fucking lot to me, and it's exactly what I needed to hear from someone. He's just shown me that I can trust him, and when I trust someone, I apparently take a massive fuckin' liking to them."

"That's... a lot to take in, man. Part of--part of why I managed to pull my head out of my ass is because Dallon--that fucking _angel--_ explained to me that when two people love each other, kind of how you and Tyler apparently love each other, you don't get to pick and choose which parts of them you like and don't like. That's what I did to you. I liked the parts of you that were nice to me, but not all the other parts that didn't fit that image of you I had in my head. I mean, shit--he only really even said that to me because I was being an asshole and asked him what you even _see_ in Tyler, which was totally uncalled for." Brendon rambling, and Tyler continues to elect to not say anything.

"You know what, man? I don't quite know either." Tyler shifts a bit and gives Josh a look that tells him to pick and choose his next words _very_ wisely. "Also Tyler, I'm not making eye contact with you at the moment, but get that look off of your face and hear me out. I mean... Shit. I see a _lot_ in him. I see a fucking brilliant and hardworking musician, I see the kindest person I've ever met, the most beautiful person I've ever met, inside and out, and I see a fabulous _chef_ that makes sure I'm fed and taken care of, which is something not very many people have done for me. I also see the love of my fucking _life_ in him. I mean, shit! I haven't even slept with anyone else in like a _year!_ That's _something_ for me. I haven't been able to remain sexually monogamous with _anyone_ since I was in my early twenties."

Tyler feels sort of like crying at what Josh said, and his chin does quiver a little bit, but more than anything he's just red faced and looking in a different direction.

"Can I--can I ask for forgiveness?" Brendon really does look apologetic, and Josh sighs again as he looks at him.

"While I really appreciate the heart to heart... We need to learn how to be friends again, and we're both going to need to make an effort to show each other a little more kindness in the future, and... You're going to have to stop that bullshit of being mean to Tyler. I don't care if you're friends with him, or if you really even like him or not, but he's not going away any time soon, so both of you," Josh looks at Tyler for a moment now, before looking back to Brendon, "need to figure out how to get along. Also--we need to find something else to bond over other than getting fucked up, because I'm... done with that shit."

Tyler decides to speak. "I... also appreciate the heart to heart, as Josh has called it. We weren't ever really friends to begin with, and all I know about you is that you're mean to me, and that I don't really care for it. I don't know if I'm going to be able to find it in myself to trust you or to even like you, because the past two and a half years I've known you have just been you hurting my feelings over and over, and... I dunno, man. I don't want to lie to you and act like we're going to be best buds from now on, and I'm willing to try being friends with you, but... Ugh. I dunno. Also... I'm not afraid to step in and put my foot down if your friendship with Josh starts turning sour, or affecting him negatively again. I love him more than anything, and I don't want to see him get hurt."


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know that meme where someone walks into class 10 minutes late with starbucks  
> thats me
> 
> EDIT: IM GOING TO CRY PEEP CHAPTER 27 FOR THE FUCKING CHAPTER I FORGOT TO UPLOAD BEFORE THIS LOL IM SO SORRY I FEEL SO BAD THIS IS EMBARRASSING

Josh is exhausted by the time he and Tyler are finally back in the apartment, which is around eight in the evening, after their chat with Brendon. (Tyler had also dragged Josh over to his father’s house to have dinner, and to catch up on life, since a lot has happened since Tyler and his father last had a solid conversation.)

Tyler’s helping Josh take his jacket off when he asks, “Are you alright?”

“I’m just, like, really tired,” He starts, as he steps forward, pulling his arms out of his jacket. “That conversation with Brendon took a lot out of me, and… Your dad is nice and all, but he makes me nervous. I’m always afraid I’m going to piss him off, or something.” He’s mumbling, for the most part, and he leans against the wall as he toes his shoes off.

Tyler follows him once he heads into the living room, and once Josh is sat down with his legs propped up on the coffee table, Tyler sits with him.

Josh finds himself leaning over to his right, leaning on Tyler, in his arms, because Tyler is warm and comforting and _home._

“If it makes you feel better, my dad likes you. I know he doesn’t say it to your face, and… Given how he found out we were together, you’d think he wouldn’t, but he really does, man.”

“Yeah, because every father wants to find out that the thirty year old advertising exec he hired has been fucking his eighteen year old son regularly,” Josh jokes with a roll of his eyes as he gets comfortable in his partner’s embrace.

“You’ve been good to me, and I rave about you an embarrassing amount when I get the chance. He’s said that he thinks that as long as we love each other, then he doesn’t feel a need to question it. Also, to be fair, dude, if he didn’t like you, he would’ve copped an attitude during dinner.”

Josh makes a face, and goes with it when Tyler adjusts their position to where they’re lying down next to each other. “I’ve never met the parents of any partners that I’ve had. No matter how much he likes me, I’m probably going to be scared of him for at least, like, ten years.”

Tyler laughs a bit. “Ten years? You really think we’re going to be together that long?” He bends his neck weird, until he can look at Josh’s face.

Josh looks back up at him. “I mean… Yeah. When I think about it… I don’t know. I can’t picture us breaking up any time soon, you know? We work, even if we shouldn’t, and I mean… I’m kind of _super_ in love with you, so I think you’re going to have a hard time getting rid of me.” He smiles sweetly, too, and Tyler almost coos at him.

He doesn’t, though.

He says, “I’m kind of super in love with you too, man.”

Josh moves his lips in the way he would if he were to peck Tyler on the lips, if they weren’t too far apart to do so. He puts his head back down, cheek smushed against Tyler’s chest, and after five minutes of silence, he speaks again. “You know what’s weird?”

“What?” Tyler reaches up to hold Josh’s hand.

“I feel like another chapter of my life is ending, for some reason. You know when you go through a bunch of shit, and you hit that point where it feels like you’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel?”

“I think I know what you mean, yeah.”

“Okay. Well. I sound like I’m full of shit, probably, but… I dunno, man. Things are good, right now. Peaceful. I’m not actively fighting with The Forehead anymore, I’m done with the stupid cancer shit, I’m not _using,_ which is remarkable to me, and I’m in a good relationship. I feel like one chapter’s closing, and the next chapter is about to open up, as dumb as it sounds.”

“I don’t think that sounds dumb,” Tyler tells him. “I kind of feel the same, honestly. I mean… We’ve just passed a fairly tough hurdle, and I just sort of wonder what life is going to throw at us next.”

“Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to just… Enjoy life, right now, and to cherish the simplicity of it before something else happens.” Josh puts his hand on top of Tyler’s, and squeezes, as the younger man nods in agreement, even if Josh can’t see him.

*

Enjoying life, as far as Tyler is concerned, starts with him waking Josh up early a few weekends later, with his tried and true method of pressing gentle kisses all over his face. Josh opens his eyes eventually, and asks Tyler what the hell he’s doing.

“ _Well,”_ Tyler starts, trying not to laugh when Josh grimaces at his morning breath, “I was thinking that we could have breakfast, and then maybe go to the gym, or something. You need to get some exercise, because you’re getting scrawny, and I also need to exercise, because being underweight isn’t very chic, and I’m also out of shape.” Tyler goes from being propped up, to lying next to Josh, drawing circles into his chest with his index finger.

Josh yawns. “I don’t want anything overly unhealthy for breakfast if we’re going to go exercise,” is what he grumbles out.

“I was thinking I could slice up an orange, make some toast, and maybe some bacon for either of us. Not overly filling, and not wildly unhealthy. Thoughts?”

“Mmm…” Josh yawns again. “It sounds like a meal, I suppose.”

He reaches his arms above his head to stretch, and Tyler can’t help but to compliment him, to tell him that he’s cute, and that he smells nice.

“I smell like armpit and I haven’t shaved in like a week. To each their own, though.”

Tyler scoffs. “Shut up, dude. You’re adorable, and I, personally, kind of like armpit musk. I know you’re _old_ and all, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be super adorable.”

Josh rolls his eyes, and wraps an arm around Tyler to pull him on top of himself. He uses his other hand to lead Tyler into a kiss. It’s kind of sloppy, since they’re both pretty sleepy and still trying to wake up, but it’s a kiss nonetheless, and it fills him with something akin to a subtle form of joy.

*

They shower together. This isn’t a rare occurrence.

This morning, it’s a bit steamy, so to speak.

The two of them stand in there, kissing each other while warm water washes over them. Tyler’s the one who escalates things. He pulls Josh closer, with his hands on his ass, and they stand there, continuing to kiss and rolling their hips together as best as they can.

Josh finds a way to move, to where his cock rubs just right, against Tyler’s hip, and he feels a little embarrassed over the fact that it doesn’t take too long until he’s coming, mouthing against Tyler’s shoulder as he does it. Tyler coaxes him through it, fingers teasingly pressing against his hole, and his other hand on the back of Josh’s head.

It’s oddly intimate, at least as far as shower sex goes, and Tyler finds himself savoring the moment as Josh is returning the favor and getting him off, reminding himself that he’s never going to be in love like this again.

Tyler also calls the rubber duck that sits in their shower caddy a smug asshole, staring at him with its beady little eyes, and Josh starts giggling before grabbing Tyler’s shampoo and telling him to turn around.

*

The gym is fairly empty when they get there.

Tyler stands at the counter for twenty minutes or so, filling out paperwork having to do with their memberships. The lady behind the counter has headphones on, and doesn’t listen to them talk, or even look at them, while she listens to music and plays solitaire on the computer.

Tyler's in the midst of forging Josh's signature on one of the papers when Josh makes a comment. "I'm winded just from walking across the parking lot. It's pathetic."

Tyler mutters, "You've been sick since January, Josh," a little dryly before sliding the paperwork over the counter. The receptionist takes the papers without looking up from her game of solitaire, and waves either of them in the direction of where they're supposed to go, or where they would be supposed to go were they to have pre-existing memberships.

"I know," Josh responds quietly as he follows Tyler, who leads the way towards one of the locker rooms. "I still feel like shit about it, though. I can't even lift _you_ up anymore, and you weigh, like, two pounds."

Before opening the door to the locker room, Tyler turns around until he can make eye contact with Josh. (He also notices at this moment that he's definitely closer in height to Josh than he was a year ago.) "Here's the deal, Josh. You've spent the past four months getting treated for _cancer._ You've been sick and depressed, and I'm not knocking you for it, nor am I judging you. I get it and I understand, and we're here because I just think exercising will do both of us some good, y'know?" Tyler reaches up to place a hand on Josh's cheek, and Josh leans into it as he sighs.

"I know, I know. I'm just feeling a little..." He makes a small gesture with his hand, to signal that he's thinking. "I feel a little anxious. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for that, man. You don't have to do anything intense, or at all, really. Maybe walk on a treadmill or lift weights or something. You don't have to over exert yourself. I mean... Honestly? _I'm_ probably going to just walk on a treadmill for a bit. I haven't exercised in awhile either, and I'm not looking to exhaust myself."

*

They get their exercising done, and take a quick shower at the gym before going home again.

Tyler's a little taken aback later in the day, around three in the afternoon, when Josh is is straddling his hips in the bedroom. Tyler _was_ watching something on the TV while Josh got some paperwork he'd been procrastinating doing out of the way in his corner of the living room, but now, he's looking up at Josh, who looks almost ethereal.

Josh can be forward when he wants sex, particularly when he wants to top, but Tyler can just _tell_ Josh wants him to top, and when Josh wants to bottom, there's always a discussion preceding it, and he's _never_ forward about it, or blunt about it, so, _yeah,_ Tyler's just a little caught off guard. He doesn't act on his surprise, though. He just slides his hands up Josh's thighs, and lets them come to rest on his hips as he looks up at him. "What are you up to, Josh?"

"I want sex, and for the first time in a very long fucking time, I don't feel overly nervous about asking you to fuck me. So. That's what I'm up to." As if to punctuate his statement, he gently pokes Tyler in the chest with his index finger. His voice and his expression soften as he continues. "It's also been awhile since we've... done that, and I kinda just... want to feel close to you, I guess, as stupid as it sounds."

Tyler seems to ponder what Josh had said. "I mean, I'm cool with that, as long as you are. Also, it's not stupid to want to feel close to me, so get that idea out of your head. It's totally normal to want to be intimate with your partner like that. Anyways... We haven't had full on sex in... months, so... I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want that either. The being intimate stuff, at least." He reaches to his left for the remote, and turns the TV off, before returning his hand to Josh's hip.

"I know that wanting to be intimate, and wanting affection, isn't stupid, but sometimes I feel like it is. I dunno. It sounds stupid when it's coming out of _my_ mouth specifically."

Tyler rolls his eyes. "It doesn't sound stupid when _you_ say it, Josh. Get down here so I can kiss you." He holds his hands up towards Josh's face, and Josh bends down, to comply.

*

Tyler's running his hands up and down Josh's abdomen, occasionally letting one of his hands slip lower to stroke his cock just a little bit, just to make sure he doesn't flag, once he bottoms out. Josh has his arm over his eyes, and he's breathing a little heavily. Tyler eventually snaps his fingers to get his attention. "How are you feeling?"

Josh lifts his arm up a bit, and looks at Tyler through hooded eyes. He looks so beautiful right now, Tyler things. He's sweating a little bit, and it's making his skin glow. His hair is also a mess, since Tyler has a tendency to yank on it with they're kissing or when Josh is going down on him, and his lips are red and Tyler just loves how he looks right now. His cheeks are flushed red, too, and his _dick,_ god... Tyler strokes it a few more times, and rubs his thumb across the tip of it, biting the inside of his cheek at the little string of precum that connects his thumb and the tip of Josh's cock for a moment as he moves his hand away.

Josh makes a noise deep in his throat, before tilting his head back again, and putting his arm back over his eyes. "I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling."

"Is it a good or bad feeling? That's a good place to start." They're both speaking lowly, barely above whispers, and Tyler's really enjoying how _intimate_ everything feels. His heart is so full of love for his partner right now.

"It's a good feeling, I think. I feel small right now."

"Small?" Tyler quirks an eyebrow. "Elaborate, if you want."

"That's the only word I know how to describe it with. Maybe safe is a better word. I feel safe."

Tyler nods, even though Josh can't see him. "I'm glad you feel safe. It's better than the alternative, of course."

Josh snorts a little bit before continuing. "It's just that I trust you, a lot, and I... depend on you a lot more than I should given I'm in my thirties, but... you're _safe,_ and it's like I'm always stuck between wanting to protect you, but also wanting _you_ to protect _me."_

"Why can't we just protect each other?"

"I mean... We _can._ My point is that, just... I feel like nothing can get to me when I'm with you, even if I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack or something." Josh moves his arm again, and opens his eyes to give Tyler this tender little loving look.

"You're making it hard for me to want to fuck you, man." Tyler makes a face for a second.

Josh laughs a little bit, and wipes at his eyes, since he started tearing up. "What _do_ you want to do?"

"Honestly...?" Tyler rubs his thumb in a half circle, along one of Josh's ribs. "Kinda wanna make love to you."

Josh reaches for Tyler, motioning with his hands for the younger man to lean close and kiss him. And Tyler does, of course. He kisses Josh, and after Josh whispers, _"Move,"_ into the kiss, Tyler starts to slowly roll his hips, and their kissing turns into them gasping and panting gently into each other mouths.

*

Tyler knows that Josh feels _vulnerable_ and emotional once they're coming down from the sex. Josh is yawning a little bit, and cozying himself into Tyler's chest, since that's just a thing he does sometimes, when Tyler asks, "How come sometimes you act so meek? It's not a bad thing, by the way. I love every single part of you."

Josh rolls his eyes. "Anxiety, mostly. I have the capacity to be all smooth and outgoing and confident and shit, but when my anxiety is bad, my brain kind of fogs up and it's easier to just space out or whatever and to let someone else handle the situation."

"That makes sense. Y'know... I'm starting to like having sex with you more and more. I always have, but... for the longest time, sleeping with you felt really impersonal and just... _not_ intimate. It doesn't feel that way anymore, and I'm... honestly kind of really enjoying it, y'know?" Tyler trails his fingers up and down Josh's back as he speaks, and Josh nods.

"It was on purpose, the impersonal part. Since being with you, and being in therapy, my relationship between myself and sex and my body has grown a lot." Josh sniffs a little bit, to clear his nose, and adjusts his position. Tyler holds one of his hands after Josh gestures for him to do so. "My therapist thinks I used to use sex as a coping mechanism, and I mean... She's not wrong. After... being _assaulted,_ it was like... I don't know how to explain it, but... I took it for granted. It's not bad to sleep around, I don't think, and I think people should express their sexuality how they want, as long as they're being safe about it, but I was... unhealthy about it. It was like—maybe if I fucked enough people, it would make what happened to me not seem nearly as bad, or I could forget about it, or it would desensitize me, even though a lot of the time, sex made me want to throw up, and it _didn't_ help, and I would still feel so awful about myself."

"It doesn't make you feel that way anymore, does it?"

Josh shakes his head. "Not with you. Never with you. I mean, shit... I'm the one who took your virginity, right?"

Tyler nods. "Indeed."

"Even... _then._ You put a lot of trust in me that night and I—I could tell. I didn't know how to feel about it, but... I liked it, I guess. It felt intimate, somehow. Which... sounds fucking _creepy--"_

"--we've been over the age thing, dude. Although I don't think it was wise of either of us to be sleeping together before I turned eighteen, it happened and I'm personally not traumatized from it or bothered by it in the slightest, and we both love each other, so that's that. You also gave me an out when we did that, which I appreciated."

"Always, man. You always have an out if you ever _don't_ wanna do that stuff. Also, you know something else I learned?" Josh scoots up a little bit to kiss Tyler's neck, and to lay on him a little bit more so.

"Hm?" Tyler reaches up to run his fingers through Josh's hair, which is more of a burnt orange kind of color at this point, since the red has faded.

"I learned that it's—it's not bad to take sex seriously, y'know?" He lightly smacks his lips a few times before continuing. "I used to be so scared of being _intimate_ with someone, and letting someone be close with me. I--I still am, with strangers, which is normal, I guess, but for me it was to the point that I just--I just wasn't able to have a relationship with anyone, at all. Also! I wasn't always _safe_ about having sex with people. Sometimes I'd 'accidentally' slip up and not use a condom, or something dumb like that, and apparently that's just a thing people do if they have some weird fucked up relationship to sex like I did. I'm fucking lucky I don't have an STD or something. Sometimes I'd intentionally have slip-ups like that, just _hoping_ I'd get something and that I'd die, or whatever."

"I love you, Josh, and I'm... very glad you're not feeling that way anymore."

"I love you too. So am I, by the way. I don't even know why I'm rambling so much. I talk a lot when I'm tired and I'm sure it's annoying."

"I don't find it annoying. I like listening to you speak anyways."

"Well... of course _you_ like listening to me. How about you? Do _you_ have some weird fucked up relationship to sex?"

Tyler snorts, and shakes his head. "I don't think so. I don't exactly have ample experience, because I can count on both of my hands the number of people I've slept with, and you're the only person I've had a relationship that I've slept with, plus the only person I've slept with more than once, if you're not counting that shit-for-brains artist. I like casual sex, but I really do enjoy the more emotional and intimate stuff. It's more rewarding when it's with someone you love, even if it's just a quickie in the bathroom or over the dining table in the mornings."

"I feel like I don't deserve you," Josh admits.

"Stop that, man. I'm not some prize that landed in your lap. We're two people who _love_ each other. As long as we love each other, there's no need for any of that stupid _'I don't deserve you'_ crap. I'm yours, whether you like it or not. _Anyways,_ I'm hungry, and I know you are. What do you want for a late lunch slash early dinner?"

*

Tyler winds up making a quick run to a grocery store, with Josh's debit card in hand, since _someone_ was craving an egg salad sandwich, and since they didn't have the things to make egg salad. The process of making the sandwiches is about as exciting as making a sandwich can get—boil eggs, peel them, squash them up, mix in mayo and pickle relish and mustard to taste before smearing the concoction on a few slices of bread.

The interesting part of the evening comes while they're on the couch eating. Tyler's phone starts ringing with the _stupid_ stock ringtone that every Verizon phone has, and the caller ID reads _Dallon._ "The Professor, as you'd like to call him, is calling me," Tyler comments as he lets his phone continue ringing.

Around a mouthful of sandwich, Josh says, "Answer it. I'm curious."

Tyler grunts and flips his phone open, before wedging it between his shoulder and his ear. "Hey, man."

_"Good evening. I am figuring out my schedule for the next month, and am calling to ask if you or Josh have any plans for his birthday."_

"Uh... Not really. Why do you ask?" Tyler glances at Josh before setting his sandwich down on the plate they're sharing.

_"Well... Since the two of you sort of made up with Brendon, I was wondering if, as long as it wasn't, ah, an issue, either of you would be interested in going out on a double date to celebrate Josh's birthday...? If you have other plans, that's totally fine."_

"What were you thinking of doing?" Tyler keeps his answer vague, just in case it's supposed to be a surprise, and Dallon gets the hint, thankfully.

 _"Dinner and a movie. Maybe go out to a nice restaurant or something, then go see a shitty movie, then part ways until our paths cross again."_ He's being a little sarcastic, and it makes Tyler chuckle a little bit.

"Do you want me to ask him? He's next to me right now."

_"I'd like that, yes."_

Tyler covers the speaker of his phone with his hand, to at least somewhat muffle his voice as he says, "Dallon wants to know if you're interested in going on a double date with him and Brendon for your birthday. Dinner and a movie—that kind of shit."

Josh makes a face when Tyler says Brendon's name, and after swallowing around his sandwich he replies. "As long as Brendon isn't going to be an asshole, then I guess that's fine."

Tyler nods and removes his hand from the speaker to give Dallon the verdict. "Josh says that as long as Brendon isn't going to be an asshole, then he's okay with it."

_"Awesome. So... I was thinking about dropping by around four to retrieve either of you, then going to that one little Italian dive on Orchard for dinner, and then going to a theater and picking a movie to watch. Like I said—nothing too elaborate or stressful."_

_*_

A few days before Josh's birthday, Josh leaves the apartment bright and early, since he has a few things to hash out with Patrick and Debby regarding the building he plans to build his own company out of. Tyler's pretty sure they're going to go look at furniture and decorations, shit like that, and he figures they're going to be busy most of the day, _so,_ that leads him to the conclusion that it's the perfect day for him to get presents for Josh since he absolutely did not put it off until the last minute.

Tyler doesn't plan to get Josh anything too elaborate or expensive, since Josh doesn't really enjoy celebrating birthdays in the first place. If Josh complains, Tyler fully intends to give him a dirty look and to tell him to shove it and to let him do something sweet.

The main present is a sentimental present. It's a photo album, and it's small; each page of it is meant to hold one Polaroid picture. (There's twenty five pages in total, meaning the album can hold fifty pictures.) Tyler has a stack of Polaroids in a shoe box under the bed in the extra bedroom, and all of them are of him and Josh. He only has thirteen of them, but he figures as time goes on they can add more images to the album.

Three of the pictures are the ones Tyler's mother had found in his backpack that one time.

Tyler's favorite out of all of them, though, was taken about three months after they'd met. It's nothing that special, honestly, but he loves it. In it, Tyler's talking to someone out of frame, and Josh is giving him this puppy dog eyed sort of look, and someone (probably Pete) managed to capture the moment.

His second favorite is one where Josh is reading something on a piece of paper, and is ignoring Tyler, who's kissing his cheek and trying to get him to pay attention to him. Tyler's pretty sure Pete's the one who got this picture as well, but he also doesn't recognize where they were at in the picture. Either way, it's endearing.

There's four pictures that are just them smiling at each other while talking in various settings, and there's two that makes Tyler start laughing to himself. In the first one, he's giving the camera a side eye, and Josh is sitting obliviously next to him, stuffing his face with fries. The one after it is Josh reaching for the camera, and Tyler leaning back to let him while ugly laughing.

The last three aren't candid.

One is from Pride, of them smiling. Josh wasn't genuinely smiling, of course. His genuine smile involves teeth and him scrunching his face up a little bit. The one in this picture is a closed mouth kind of smile, as if to appease Tyler, who's grinning like a dumbass next to him.

The one after that was taken on Pete's couch. Both him and Josh are asleep in it, Tyler curled up into his side and Josh holding onto him protectively.

The last one they're smiling at each other sarcastically, and pulling some coupley pose, trying to prove a point. Tyler can't even remember the context of it, but it's still cute.

Tyler takes his time sliding them into the photo album, and he takes even more time to wrap it in tasteful wrapping paper, and to smack a ribbon on the top of it, before he's making the trek to their bedroom to place it in the drawer on Josh's dresser that Tyler uses for his own socks and underwear.

Before Tyler leaves the apartment so he can go buy a few more sentimental presents, he texts Josh.

*

 **Tyler:** what time r u going to be home?

 **Josh:** This evening, around eight. I'm going over to Deb's to have dinner with her, Jen, and their son. Why?

 **Tyler:** just wondering

 **Josh:** Ok

 **Josh:** I love you

 **Josh:** I haven't said it in a few weeks

 **Josh:** I'll tell you in person when I get home :)

 **Tyler:** i love you too lol

*

Tyler wakes up before Josh does on the actual day of his birthday, and decides to wake him up with a bunch of tender kisses pressed to his face. It's his favorite way to wake him up, and Josh never seems to mind it anymore.

Josh is on his back, which makes Tyler's job a lot easier. He scoots over to him, and he's pretty sure Josh isn't completely asleep, since he snakes his arm around Tyler's waist to hold onto him as he's dipping his head down for the first kiss. It takes four kisses before Josh is making a noise deep in his throat, and grumbling out a, "Stop."

Tyler grins to himself, and gives Josh an actual kiss, on the mouth. It's more or less a peck, but it's still a kiss nonetheless. "Good morning, birthday boy," is what he says when Josh opens his eyes to look at him.

Josh grunts and rolls his eyes before shifting a little bit, and closing his eyes again. "I don't suppose you're going to let me sleep more?"

Tyler shakes his head. "Nope. It's ten, and I do believe we have some, ah... _festivities_ to get up to before we leave for that double date."

“Talk to me about these so-called ‘festivities.’”

“Well…” Tyler rubs his index finger in a circle on Josh’s chest, and bites his lip before continuing. “I was thinking I could suck you off, or maybe I could ride you. I haven’t done that in awhile.”

“A blowjob sounds nice,” he mumbles. “But I want to kiss you. That’s going to be difficult to do if you’re going down on me.”

Tyler lets his hand slide into Josh’s boxers. “I could always give you a handy.”

Josh nods, and hums quietly, and just as Tyler’s about to kiss him, the older man nudges him onto his back, and snaps the waistband of his boxers, a signal for Tyler to take them off as he (Josh) is reaching for a bottle of lube that’d fallen on the floor at some point.

*

They take a shower together, and Tyler’s sitting on the bed in a pair of jeans with a towel over his shoulders while Josh is getting dressed. Josh is in the middle of buttoning a short-sleeved button down when Tyler says, “Don’t be mad, but, uh… I kind of got a few presents for your birthday. I know you said no gifts, but, like, that’s kind of fucking sad, dude.”

“I’m not mad,” Josh mumbles. “I don’t actually hate birthdays nearly as much as I let on.” He steps over to the bed, to get his watch and his glasses from the side table, and out of habit, Tyler tugs him close by the belt loops on his pants so that he can tuck his shirt into his jeans for him.

While he’s doing that, Josh puts his watch and his glasses on, turning when Tyler tells him to, so he can help him tuck his shirt in. He sits on the bed once his shirt is tucked in, and Tyler gets up to do two things—steal a shirt from Josh’s side of the closet, and to get Josh’s presents from the top drawer on the dresser.

Josh smiles a little bit when Tyler’s handing the presents to him. They’re all wrapped nicely—Tyler’s the kind of person who knows how to properly wrap presents, and Josh is the kind of person who takes great care in the way that he carefully picks the tape off of the wrapping.

The first present he goes for is the photo album. He’s a little confused when he’s holding it in his hands, before opening it.

“It’s—it’s kind of a dumb present—”

“It’s not, it’s really not.” Josh looks up at him. Tyler’s standing in front of him. “It’s—it’s really sweet, Tyler. Jesus. I didn’t think you actually kept any of these…”

“Of course I did. I’m a sentimental asshole.”

“I love that about you. I hope you know that.”

Tyler scratches his jaw, and smiles a bit. “Do you, uh, want to open the other presents?”

“Yeah. I probably should before I start crying, or something dumb like that.” He closes the photo album, and sets it down on the side table. He picks the wrapping off of the next present, to reveal two boxes of hair dye. One pink, one yellow.

“You said something about wanting to dye your hair again, but not being able to decide between pink and yellow, so… Ashley recommended this brand to me.”

“Sick.” Josh sets the dye down on the side table as well, and opens the last present shortly after. It’s a birthday card.

Josh starts tearing up as he reads the sappy note that Tyler wrote on the inside of it.

*

_Hey, Josh, I love you. So much._

_Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for being someone I can depend on. Thank you for letting me into your life. Thank you for showing me what it_ _’s like to be in love. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for trusting me._

_Thank you for allowing me to watch you grow and morph into the man you are at this very moment._

_I_ _’m so proud of you. I’ve gotten to watch you grow up so much in the time that we’ve known and loved each other and that just means everything to me._

_I know you_ _’re iffy about commitment, but I think I can honestly say you’re the love of my life, and it’s cool if you don’t love me back, because I have enough love in my heart for the two of us._

_\- Tyler_

_(PS - I_ _’m joking. I know you love me. ♥)_

*

Josh lets out a shaky breath when he finishes reading the note. He closes the card, sets it next to himself, and crawls up the bed so he can pretty much glue himself to Tyler. He has his face between Tyler’s neck and shoulder, and Tyler holds him. He rubs his back while he’s at it, and shushes him.

“I love you so much,” Josh tells him, as if it were an admission that he hasn’t already uttered multiple times before.

“I love you too, Josh.”

“I’m sorry that I’ve been such an asshole about birthdays.”

Tyler shushes him and pats his back. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m sure you have your reasons.” He touches Josh’s hair, too, being careful not to mess it up.

*

Tyler steals a heavy sweatshirt from Josh, after peeking out of one of the windows in the apartment, only to see dark, almost black clouds. He doesn’t regret his decision, either, as he and Josh stand huddled together in front of the apartment, waiting for Dallon to show up.

Josh glares at nothing, and mumbles, “I hope Brendon isn’t going to cop an attitude with us today.”

“Dallon told me that he’s trying,” Tyler tells him. “I asked. If he does anything, I’ll defend you. I promise.”

Josh makes a face. “I haven’t spoken with him in awhile. It’s like… It’s like being away from home for awhile, and being afraid to go back, worried that everything’s going to be different, except I know things are different. Of course they’re different.”

“He’s just a person. I mean, I hate him and all, but… I dunno. Keep your chin up, man.” Tyler smacks a kiss onto his cheek. “We can handle it if he picks a fight. I mean, literally—it’ll be three against one.”

He hums a little bit, and Tyler feels as if he’s about to say something else, but they see Dallon’s car turning the corner of the street, so their conversation is cut off.

*

Dallon listens to local radio stations when he’s not playing his own music, and Tyler’s sitting in the backseat, next to Josh, playing snake on his phone when he hears himself on the radio for the first time ever.

It takes a few moments to sink in.

Tyler’s fingers stop in their place, his snake runs into a wall, and Tyler looks up to see Brendon’s arm reaching for the volume knob on the radio, turning it up a little bit.

Tyler looks to Josh. “You sent my songs to a radio station?”

“A few, yeah.” His voice is quiet—he’s about as shocked as Tyler is. “I didn’t—I didn’t know they’d actually _bite._ Holy shit.”

It takes a few more moments for everyone in the car to start cheering, and Tyler manages to stop crying by the time they’re at a movie theater to follow through on their plans of a double date.

*

A few months go by, following Josh’s birthday, and Tyler’s in a coffee shop when the next chapter of his life explodes open.

Tyler loves Ashley, he truly does—she's a sweetheart and she's his best friend, of course he loves her--but sometimes he wishes she'd keep her mouth shut. They're at a coffee shop near her apartment, catching up and drinking, y'know, _coffee_ at nine at night since they're the kind of people who think drinking caffeine so late in the evening is a good idea when Ashley notices that there's a _microphone_ on a stage.

Tyler's in the middle of sucking coffee through a straw when she waves a waitress over, and sweetly asks, "Hi, ah, I was wondering... Is that mic over there open? Like, could anyone just go up there and start singing or reciting some slam poetry or something?" She blinks up at the waitress and Tyler feels himself pale—he knows where this is going.

The waitress smiles back down at Ashley, and confirms that, yes, anyone could go up there and just start singing if they wanted, and as soon as she walks away, Ashley looks at Tyler with her tongue in her cheek and her eyebrows raised, before saying, "I want you to go up there and sing."

"Um... That's a very valid proposition and although I do appreciate your confidence in me, that's going to be a hard _no."_ He stirs his coffee with his straw while waiting for her comeback.

"Tyler, you've sang the entire national anthem in front of our high school, _numerous_ times. You can go up there and sing one of your songs to this tiny little crowd."

Tyler shakes his head. "No. I don't—I don't sing live."

"Isn't being a world famous musician one of your dreams? You don't get there by being piss in your pants afraid of singing in front of the crowd at a coffee shop. You never know what could happen, man. This could be your chance to dip your toes in the waters of live shows."

He sighs, and they go back and forth for a few more minutes before he's glaring at her, and gritting his teeth as he stands up and walks over to the mic stand. It takes him about three minutes of fucking around and moving the nearby keyboard to a place to where he can play it and use the mic at the same time before he does anything.

He doesn't do _bad,_ per se, but he's not used to singing live or in front of crowds, and when he's back at his table with Ashley, face burning as a handful of people clap and whistle at him, he's muttering, "You better suck my fucking _ass_ for having the balls to do that," as he sits down.

Tyler knows she's patronizing him as she reaches over to run her fingers through his hair, and to mockingly coo at him. "You did beautifully, baby boy."

He bats her hand away and rolls his eyes, and eventually they fall back into an off topic conversation, one that gets halted by this _guy_ coming up to Tyler, and tapping him on the shoulder with his knuckles.

Tyler looks up at him, and if he's honest, he's half expecting for this guy to hit on him or something. He doesn't, though. He keeps his tone nice and inconspicuous as he speaks. "Hey, man, I just heard you up there, and you were great. Do you think I could get your full name, your phone number and your email?"

Tyler will be the first to admit that it's weird, but he shrugs and has Ashley hand him a pen from her purse so he can write his name, his phone number, and his business email down on a napkin. He hands it to the guy, who just smiles so _sweetly,_ and doesn't say anything else. As the guy walks off, Ashley blows a breath out through her nose and quietly asks, "What the hell was that about?"

Tyler shrugs, because he has no idea.

*

Tyler’s expecting to get a text or an email from the guy, and he’s half expecting it to be something crude that he’s just going to delete, but he only gets about halfway through the email before he’s shouting Josh’s name in a panicked tone, and scooting back in his desk chair as Josh steps over with a concerned look on his face to see what the hell Tyler’s yelling about.

The first thing he does after reading the first few sentences of the email is to check the email address, and to quietly mumble, “That’s definitely a Warner email…” before proceeding to read the rest of the email.

“Is that—is that _real?_ _”_ Tyler points at the screen, looking back and forth between Josh and the email.

Josh doesn’t answer him until he’s read the rest of the email. He nods. “It looks pretty fucking real, Tyler.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feed off of feedback and attention i need it to survive please..... comment...... any thoughts or spicy opinions u have.................. leave them

**Author's Note:**

> hello... back at it again... rewriting one of my fics. i'm gonna keep endless published for archive purposes & also because im still rewriting it but i have part one done & part two ALMOST done so... here we go boys where doing it
> 
> there arent any major differences between this fic and part I of endless other than better writing & continuity errors being fixed lmao. also like,, some parts are removed (ie parts from uries point of view) because when i initially started endless i wanted it to be both a joshler and brallon fic but its to the point that all of the parts from uries pov are just majorly out of place so idk. also took out the fucking poorly done political arc because first of all -- shit was happening two years too early in the timeline, and second of all i got stuck and didnt know where to go from there because i hadnt taken the time to build up to it and i want endless to go in a different direction than it WAS going in


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